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July 21, 2006

Vibrators Gone Mainstream

Vibrators Gone Mainstream

By Margie, left in charge while the Book Tarts take Friday off to enjoy the summer weather, so she decided to post whatever she wanted, since no one is here to check.

I knew if I was patient enough, I’d live to see the day that anyone could buy a vibrator at the gas station. It kind of puts a whole new spin on alternative fuels.

We’d already made such progress from the mail order days of the plain brown wrappers and the parking in the back of the scumbag XXX Video stores, that I didn’t dare hope for this kind of universal acceptance. The first real sign that we were getting somewhere was when catalogs like The Sharper Image and Time for You started carrying ‘personal massagers’. Who was kidding who? What part of your person do you need a cordless, C-shaped, waterproof yet easily sterilizable buzzing machine to massage? Anyone who could fit that thing anywhere else belongs in a circus (and P.S., call me).

By the mid-‘90s, a woman with taste could choose any number of nicely decorated stores to browse a selection of vibrators in various sizes, shapes and colors. You can mark the evolution of feminism any way you want, but I for one consider the opening of the higher class adult toy stores catering to women as a milestone.

The next step was thanks to Dr. Ruth, who came out said it:

Orgasms are important for better health.

(They cure headaches! They reduce stress! And my favorite: They’re great aerobic exercise! It beats the hell out of 20 minutes on the treadmill, I’ll tell you that.)

Dr. Ruth even recommended a vibrator. Of course, calling the Eroscillator just a vibrator is like calling the 1958 Ferrari 250 GTS California just a car. The Eroscillator is a scary looking thing at first blush, but friends who have it swear by it. Oh, the swearing they do - trust me, honey, you do not want to be in the next apartment if you have any sexual issues whatsoever. Really, it’s like a live taping of an Ellora’s Cave audio book. Do they make those? Hmmm, I may have to check that out later.

Then came the sex toy parties. Oh happy day! Now we could get together and drink with our friends and take home a party favor that’s ten times better than any tupperware container. No more leftovers, if you know what I mean. Plus, the demonstrations were informative and educational. There is nothing I like better than learning a little something - or a big something, depending on the mood.

Things were humming along nicely and then, a bump in the road. Who would have thought that national security concerns would have an impact on vibrators? Not my friend Carol, who was more than a little surprised to see someone waving her vibrator around in the carry-on luggage inspection area. More recently, many airport personnel will ask if you’d like to have your bags inspected in private. Too late for Carol, but maybe not for someone else.

The immediate response was the marketing of vibrators shaped like ordinary items you’d pack in a suitcase: lipstick, cigars, shop vacs, flashlights, baseball bats, laser pointers, that kind of thing. Heh - just wanted to see if you were paying attention. One of my friends carries one on her key chain, right next to the Swiss Army Knife. After the unfortunate Carousel incident of 2005, my policy is not to approach anyone holding either of those things in a way that indicates intent.

I thought we had reached the peak of vibrator accessibility, but what do you know -great ideas pop up everywhere. There, in the gas station mini-mart, is a vibrator cleverly disguised as a razor. The first time I saw it, I just laughed - who is going to fall for this - a razor, my ass - who needs a waterproof razor that vibrates? I’ll tell you who - people with nosy roommates. And people with kids who don’t want to have to answer a lot of questions. But mainly, it’s got to be people who have to travel a lot. Now, no matter what kind of battery operated companion you’re packing, you can duct tape a Lady Shick to the side and call it a razor. It’s freakin’ brilliant.

Come on and tell Aunt Margie - what keeps you buzzing?


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Memo to Tarts: Never, never leave Margie in charge of the office.

Okay - I almost bought that vibrating razor for my daughter thinking it would make her legs feel good. OH MY GOD! I had no idea. I am such a shmuck. Wait. I think I DID buy it for her - and she took it to GERMANY!!!!
Point #2 - I call the waving of the vibrator in security thing for my next book. Let's just hope it doesn't happen to my daughter.
Point #3 - This is the most F*&$ing hysterical thing I've read in years.
Thanks Margie - You couldn't have been smoking anything when you wrote this - I mean, what with the dogs yesterday and all

No one tell my wife that I am telling this story. About two years ago, our then nine-year daughter came downstairs into the kitchen holding a red thing against her face with it turned on, giggling about how funny it felt. I don't think she noticed anything other than that it was this long rubbery thing that made a funny noise and tickled. Boy, you should have seen my wife grab that thing!!! Funny to me, maybe not to Family Services.

When I was about 20, my oldest sister told me that if I bought my girlfriend a vibrator, she would love me for life, or something like that. A couple of weeks ago I told Joey that story. I'm not sure it would be the best gift to give his first girlfriend when he returns from a five-week exile. Maybe her mother. Maybe not.

I do have to say that the choices are daunting, and one almost is paralyzed by the enormity of choosing. Batteries or not? Immersible or not? Light up? Variable speed? Remote control (perfect for men!!!)? Maybe that's what I can get my wife for our anniversary next week. With the remote ones, we both could be happy: she gets to feel good, and I get to hold the remote control.

And Sarah, there are plenty of worse things your daughter could do than learn how to make herself feel good.

"When I was about 20, my oldest sister told me that if I bought my girlfriend a vibrator, she would love me for life, or something like that."

OTOH, I knew a guy whose date whipped out a vibrator and told him "this is your competition, so you better be good to me."

The relationship didn't last.

Just to show you how far we've come, when I sent in a request for long-term care insurance info from AARP, my 'thank-you' gift was a travel-size 'massager'. Makes you wonder how many respondents actually wanted the ltc info :o). Mine is going to Alaska with me, purely for therapeutic purposes of course...all that hiking and stuff you know :o)
Great post Margie!


Josh and JD - I have new respect for both of you!

Maryann - That has got to be better than a pen, or whatever they used to send.

Sarah - I'll bet the Germans have 'razors' that will make ours look like tinker toys. I mean, can you imagine the Mercedes of razors? Not that I'd suggest that to your daughter or anything, I'm just saying.

Would any of you respect me in the morning if I admitted I've never used a vibrator? Or, for that matter, a masssager of any kind?
Of course, Christmas IS coming . . .

Harley - does Mr. Harley have any brothers? Good for you.

Also - you and the rest of the Tarts - stop calling the office. I'm not picking up the phone anymore and the voicemail is already full. Damn - it's not like I put the pictures in here or anything.

good stuff ladies.....good stuff....

I think I've finally been rendered speachless LOL

I got my first B.O.B. in college and my Mom found it when she was putting laundry away the following summer. At least that's what she said. She didn't know what it was, and after I told her, she was appalled, then curious. Next thing I know, she and her friends are talking about it at Bridge Club.

I've always wondered...

Margie - Just because you wrote a blog doesn't mean you can knock off early. Not even a summer Friday. Besides, that cute cop is back. Claims to have in his possession something that can beat the subject of today's blog. And guess what? It's attached to him!

Oh my gosh, I feel so out of it. Razor vibrators at a gas station mini-mart?! ... Funny article, Margie. Thanks for the laugh.

Harley, bless you for saying that :) I do have a personal massager that no one (except maybe Margie) could ever, and I mean EVER, mistake for anything other than something I use on sore muscles. But the other kind, well, I guess I've just never needed one.

I hope that's a good thing :)

This is the funniest thing I've read in forever! I can't quit laughing. I've added the lipstickchronicles to my favorites, I've added all the books of the tarts to my reading list and you deserve a BIG raise! LOL!

The Ferrari 250 GTS California is a choice vibrator.

Two nuns are driving a Ferrari through Italy. Passenger nun says, "I've never come this way before".
Driver nun: "It's the cobblestones".

Now this is some information everyone can use.

Margie - you should call Cosmo - I'll bet they pay big bucks for this stuff, and their stuff isn't half as funny.

Sarah - I just checked the office, nothing is going on, and believe me, I know all about the cop's attachments, and I don't just mean the cuffs. Who says I have to choose between them? Some men are such babies.

Buzz - I like the way you think. Call me if you're flexible.

Janice, Ronnie, Rachelle and everyone else - thanks! I'm definitely going to ask for a raise or something.

Oh - gotta go - the cop is hear asking me to assume the position. heh.

Margie - Over the years I have amassed an assortment of massagers to fit every woman's...mood. I keep them in my Bag of Tricks along with the Bombay Gin and Vermouth, (and a deck of cards for the occasional game of strip poker). Some men find massagers intimidating (especially massagers of brobdinagian proportions). I consider my massagers "relief pitchers" that help close out the ball game.

My faith in men has been restored.
Also, in modern technology.

Hm. Mr. Smoothie is a Maui Wowie indeed.

Harley I have met your husband and HONEY you dont need one!!!!!!!!

Felix - a baseball analogy - I love it!

Also - is brobdinagian a word?

Holy shit, that is too f&$#ing funny.

Since we're already getting screwed at the gas station, I guess they figure we might as well enjoy it.

If I owned a gas station, I'd start giving those razors away with the purchase of a full tank of gas. The sign would say:

Fill 'er up and smile.

Great blog, Margie! These days, I need all the laughs I can get!

Would you get the free vibrator just at the Self-Serve pumps?

I wonder what kind of razors they sell at Jiffy Lube?

I saw those razors, but didn't think much of it until I read this. Now I'm looking closer at everything else. Who knows what other sex toys are out there pretending to be something else.

This blog was super funny.

Now that - that is funny.

Vibrators and gas station - only the smart women at Lipstick Chronicles could figure out a way to put those two topical concepts together.

This blog is like a cocktail party without the hangover!

SusanCo, thanks -- I'd pass on the compliment to my husband, but then I'd have to explain the context, and ...

SusanCo, thanks -- I'd pass on the compliment to my husband, but then I'd have to explain the context, and ...

If i want to buy waterproof vibrator from http://www.myrabbitvibrators.co.uk//
then can you please tell me the procedure of purchasing.. and what types of vibrators are available!!

Good way to have vibrators that are discreet.

Dicression is alwasy key!

I have a vibrator and I'm not ashamed of it, like other girls are. I don't see what the big problem is.

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