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March 07, 2006

Licking Your Way to Marriage

By Sarah

It's cruel what I've done to my husband. Though, in my defense, I can honestly say I didn't set out to trick him into marriage. It just kind of, er, happened. I mean people age. Responsibilities pile up. I can't very well be doing that morning, noon and night, as I'd led him to believe in our brief courtship. Plus, it's tax season. I'm not exactly in the mood when one part of my brain is adding up mileage between Pittsburgh and Bethlehem.

But the other night I was reading a book where the character had pulled the same cruel trick and I wondered - is this blog material? No, what I wondered was, am I not the only one?

I am speaking, of course, of that act one does for another in which most of the sexual gratification goes to one partner. Oh, sure, you can argue there's some satisfaction for the provider. But let's be honest. One half gets all the treats. That's why they call it a job.

When my husband and I were dating, I would impulsively perform this act wherever, partially for the thrill of seeing the pure shock on his chiseled face. Here he was, Ohio born and raised, an active member of the Episcopal Church, a graduate of a staid all-boys school, and I was doing this to him in a parking lot! The woods in broad daylight! On Shaker Boulevard!

And he never had to ask. It just happened. I was like the magic girlfriend. Yippee!

In fairness, I never promised that this would be a permanent part of our relationship. But was I going to point this out when he slipped onto my finger a diamond-and-emerald ring with gold filigree (that he designed)? Hell no.

I remember one of my future sisters-in-law regarding me with narrow eyes. "You must have done something to get him to propose in 28 days."

She knew.

"Don't worry," she said. "It won't last. It never does."

And that was that.

So here we are, seventeen and a half years into our marriage, and my poor husband puts down the newspaper and asks me the other day, "Hey, whatever happened to that?"

I shrugged. "I don't know."

"You tricked me."

"Yes," I said. "I did. But I didn't mean to."

He frowned and went back to reading. It made me think of Rumplestiltskin. Here this king had married a poor village maiden because she could turn straw into gold and then, once they were wed, it was all straw, no more gold. Did he ask, "Hey, whatever happened to that trick you'd do with the straw?"

Just goes to show that all the wisdom in the world can be found in the pages of Grimm's Fairytales. Though, the midget thing, that's just weird.



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Not much I can add to that, except that my wife and I were together for over two-1/2 years before I proposed, over three years before we got married, so the BJ-on-the-highway thing had cooled a little by then. Lakewood, yes. Shaker Boulevard, never. And now, she always has the "kids-are-sitting-in-the-backseat" excuse, which, I let her know in no uncertain terms, I think is pretty lame.

Does seem like a mean trick, though.

Oh, and I guess I would have a question, THE question, but since it "goes without saying," I am not going to say it.

Oh. My. God.

I'm so glad I'm going on tour this week. No irate communications from the FCC, the GOP, the Health Department or Planned Parenthood.


(Josh: You can read this any way you want.)

Words, for once, fail me.

Oh. Sigh.

My husband, when we were dating, came to see me in Lincoln, Nebraska, where I was doing a play one summer. I took him to Lincoln's landmark building, the state capitol, AKA "The Penis of the Plains" . . . and in view of its nickname, and because we found a hallway on a floor that seemed to have no occupants . . .


Dear God, thank you for this. I gave up Starbuck's for Lent and have been crabby for a week. A gentle reminder of our wifely duties is always a good thing.

For the life of me, I cannot figure out what act you were referring to in this post... :)

I sent a link to my husband. So he can figure out where it went. (And we were engaged about two months after we started dating).

I think I'm pretty safe in that my husband doesn't read this blog, but just in case, let's say I'm talking about a friend.

I almost hate to admit it, but I enjoy it- the job (and yes, Josh, from prelude to finale. Why have a mess when the alternative is right there?) Like Sarah, I've always found unexpected locations to be a plus, although that happens much less frequently these days. Whomever decided to ditch the bench seat design in cars was just not thinking it through.

But back to why I like it - for one thing, it's a relatively easy way to accomplish an important, um, thing, when time, location, and the possible immenent arrival of children on the scene make a longer interlude impossible. I have to confess that sometimes it's just easier than the whole production, especially if one didn't shave that morning.

The other reason, and I'm not proud of it, is the power. I mean really, not that I've ever used this power for evil, but there is something thrilling about having total control of your mate. One can discover some fascinating things - and in deference to Nancy, who cannot risk having a stroke while on tour, I'll leave it at that.


THIS is why we LOVE the Lipstick Divas.

What a bunch of women.

Though this blog should be considered cruel and unusual punishment for a bunch of men SERIOUSLY deprived of the joys of feminine companionship.

And Ms. Kathy is right about the power -- the general consensus here is that, given a highly skilled feminine practitioner of THE JOB (we had to add feminine given the popularity of BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN...) we might even, in the throes of joy, be persuaded to vote Democrat.

LOL! What a bunch of women. Cruel, cruel, cruel...

Have a Happy!

SA and The Boys

Ah, yes, the power. I am a slave to it, as are all of us of the less fair gender.

Pity that this has moved from romance, such as it was, to politics, such as it is.

GAK...gugle..hmfsk...WHA?? For one with what my dentist describes as "an extremely small mouth" (but don't ask any of my friends about how large my gums can flap when I get to yacking), let me just say that he has two alternatives: One, I do not perform the job. Ever. Two: I perform the job and hurl all over his... you get the picture.

Nope, I'll steer clear of this one and sit in the corner with Nancy singing kumbaya until the FCC goes away. Though I must admit I have a new appreciation for you, Sarah!

Listen, I didn't mean to imply that I've totally given up on this act. Why just the other night when he was restless and was rather attractive in a black T-shirt, I was moved to relieve some of his stress. He was so grateful I was almost brought to tears. Almost. Not quite.
Personally, if more women were like Kathy, this would be a happier country. Military spending would decline and the ozone hole would close and lots of other good stuff would happen.
But maybe tomorrow night. It's just that I've had a really hard day and my TMJ is acting up.

I visited the Washington Monument with my wife and she didn't give me a blowjob there..and she's French. I'm thinking of having her French passport revoked.

Sarah and Kathy for President.

Wow, Washington Monument, and then, nothing. It's tough to find anything more of a turn-on to a woman than the biggest phallus in the country, I'm sure many contributors here would agree. Bow down and feel the power!

I wonder if this same logic applies to the Leaning Tower of Pisa.

Cate - like so many other things, it's not the size. It's the sensation.

Hey Sarah - this is sounding like a new panel topic at the RT Convention - I'll bet it would be S.R.O....and you could promote the mud-wrestling event as well.

Right, guys?

Well, now I'll have to read your books... and it does give me some ideas for panel suggestions at future cons.

Oh my.

I thought the old saying was "how you get them is how you keep them."

I'll take Kathy's side...
I'm all for it.


And I thought, the best way to a man's heart is through his stomach.
What Old Wives Tale was that? I guess they were not telling the truth.

A little further south, apparently...

Gee......the only time I ever thought of "it" as a "job" was the first time I visited my mother-in-law in Florida and I did the job every nighht to keep from staining the sheets!
Mary Alice---sleepless in Pittsburgh

Okay, this is just Blowjob Zeitgeist Day, in a huge way.

First joke I read this morning:

Revenge is a dish best served cold

A woman recently lost her husband. Their marriage had been a very lousy one, and she was relieved that he was finally gone. She had him cremated and brought his ashes home.

Picking up the urn that he was in, she poured him out on the counter. Then she started talking to him, "You know that fur coat you promised me?" She answered by saying, "I bought it with the insurance money!"

She then said, "Remember that new car you promised me?" She answered again saying, "Well, I bought it with the insurance money!"

Bending down low she said, "Remember that blow job I promised you? Well.... here it comes..."

From http://sandrablabber.blogspot.com/

Then all of this. In the interest of fair play, what are the monuments that suggest interludes of reciprocity on the oral sex front? Grand Canyon?

And women say they have no power? They control half of the money and all of the......well........never mind.....:)

That reminds me of the Chris Rock bit about why Hilary was really the one at fault for the whole Lewinsky thing...hilarious.

I asked my wife how she feels about this topic, and she answered: "Arrrrmg muuuumm baaaarrrr arrrr muuum."

I'll keep her, I think.

Naughty, naughty. Though, I have to admit, lucky, too.
My, we're getting a lot of "boys" on this one. Grrrr.



just to clarify. that's wasn't a grrr, growl, that was a grrr, hubba hubba.
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