Thinking of Getting Married? Take Our Quiz

By Sarah

I used to have an editor who wore a T-shirt that said something like "There Is No Greater Urge Than the Urge to Edit Someone Else's Copy." I know I totally screwed up that quote, which is supposed to be from Poe or Wordsworth or some other dead male writer. But it doesn't matter because he was wrong.

There is no greater urge than the urge to give your two cents to a young couple about to enter in the bonds of holy matrimony. Or even an old couple for that matter. The thing is, if you've been married more than five minutes already you are convinced that you have something vitally important to tell two idiots who decide to buck the 50 percent divorce rate and follow suit. Often this advice comes in the form of a question - the most devious form of advice-giving, ever.

Recently it came to my attention that a woman for whom I have the highest respect, in part because of her choice to remain blissfully single, is walking on what I perceive to be a dangerous path to wifehood. Had she known, as I do, the history of the wife she might tread more cautiously. We'll go into my vast knowledge about the history of marriage some other time. For now let me just leave you with two thoughts: cattle branding and public peep show.

But I digress.

Sensing the ominous signs - the stars in her eyes, the he's-so-perfect, we're just made for each other, it's freaky how well we get along comments - I dug out a modified version of a handy questionnaire an old friend had put together when I came to work one day suffering from the same illness 17 years ago. Not that her grilling did me any good. I was engaged after one month of dating - a full lunar cycle - and married six months later. Nine months to the day after our first anniversary I became a mother. From kisses in the snow to 3 a.m. diapers in a flash. Scary.

I remember the initial questions as being stupid. What was his name? What did he do for a living? How many siblings does he have? Those were the easy - but important - ones. Harder, though confusing, were the following:

Length of last relationship. How long ago? Girlfriend psycho? Or does he refer to her whimsically? Does he have pictures of her around his bedroom? Or does he politely pass her off as a "great kid, it just didn't work out"?

Intentions? (Your best guess.)

Criminal background? (You never know.)

Average age males live to be in his family:

Massive potential inheritance (10 points for this)

 

Holds the door open for you? Yes/No.

Fights fair?

Ability to take driving directions and acknowledge his weakness as a male in this area:

By the way, what kind of car does he drive? Does he care what kind of car he drives?

Since that questionnaire other issues have come to mind. Here's what I would add now, in hindsight.

How does he get along with his mother?

Does he truly enjoy his work or does he view work as nothing more than the stuff you do to pay the bills?

Does he dance?

Republican or Democrat? Or maybe apolitical?

How would he spend a free Sunday afternoon? On the links? Watching football? Weeding the garden with you? Insisting you go on a 30-mile bike ride? Getting wasted with his buddies?

How is his humor on a scale of 1-to-10. 1 being Dick Cheney, 10 being Jon Stewart .

Finally, will he watch Love, Actually (fill favorite chick flick in here) laughing and crying at the appropriate parts? Laughing at the crying parts = points off.

These are the kinds of questions that pop up long after the token piece of wedding cake has been accidentally tossed along with the old Breyer's in the back of the freezer. They're the kind of questions future brides find annoying and that old matrons like me find absurd delight in asking. We'd be interested to hear your questions,too. Hey, maybe we'll put together the ultimate premarital quiz. The Lipstick Chronicles So You Wanna Get Hitched Quiz.

Of course, in the best of circumstances we'll be fighting the most undefeatable of powers - love, or lust, if you prefer. Biology. The urge to buy appliances together and procreate, an urge that doesn't care if in five years he'll be spending every Saturday in the office or on the links. And that, I think now, is an even greater urge than the urge to change another's copy or dispense with marital advice.

As though that ever stopped me from shooting off my big mouth.

Stay warm, write well,

Sarah

Comments

[Kerry]

Sarah, I'd love to hear about the history of marriage (I have some secret notions and I'd love to see how right or wrong I am).

In the meantime, some other questions I like:

Cat person or dog person? Or is he into exotic reptiles? Bonus points if he can honestly melt at the sight of young fuzzy or fluffy creatures.

Age, number, location, and content of tattoos? Substitute or add piercings as desired.

As a bachelor, how often does he change his sheets and clean his bathroom?

Can he identify and locate real food at the grocery store, or does a shopping list that includes fresh fruits and vegetables, whole grains, and spices reduce him to a state of incoherent babbling as he wanders, Moses-like, through the aisles? Will he actually ask someone where the organic wild rice is? Can he joke about his shopping experiences?

What does his closet look like?

That's it for now -- can't wait to see what everyone else comes up with :)

[nancy]

Okay, Sarah, I'm with you all the way. But whoa, back up the truck for one minute. Honestly, does Charlie cry at chick flicks? Because Jeff would rather jam a swizzle stick in his eye.

Sometimes the differences help. A strong woman needs a man who will push back. I'm just tossing that out there.

Now, I do think punning is grounds for kicking him out. Except I haven't worked up the strength to do it myself.

[nancy]

Hmm.... I'm thinking about that bachelor pad furniture. I married Jeff despite the orange vinyl Lazy Boy. Which miraculously fell off the truck when he moved in with me. (Hey, I know my knots! I was a Girl Scout!) I took it as a sign.

[Susan McB]

Y'all are so funny! I want to see Sarah write a book called THE BOYFRIEND TEST--I think it'd be a great follow-up to THE CINDERELLA PACT (which, I noticed, is already listed as a pre-order online, like, everywhere! Wowza, and she just finished the damned book!). Thanks for cracking me up post-cereal.

[j renee stuart]

Here's one question to add to the list :
Does he seem like the type of guy who would tape a football game over your wedding video, and, if so, would he show remorse ?
Talkin' from experience here, girls. His defense was, "C'mon... it was the Playoffs!"

[Josh]

When you are "doing it," does he allege that your enjoyment is of primary importance?

I once tried to say that, but I just couldn't lie, so I added "or secondary," as in "your enjoyment is of primary or secondary importance to me." No lie there. Nineteen years later, that throes-of-passion comment is still fodder for discussion.

[sarah s.]

Taping the playoffs over your wedding video???!!! That takes the (wedding) cake. Do I have permission to use that in THE BOYFRIEND TEST?

Susan, you are brilliant! I've got one more book on my stand alone contract. Can I snag that? Swear to god that you are numero uno in my acknowledgements.

I am forbidden by law from saying what Charlie will and will not cry to. However, I will note that he did not let me finish Whatever Love Means: The Charles and Camilla Story which I was thoroughly enjoying as I knitted a sweater for my agent's newborn. It was either go to bed with him or go downstairs and watch it. So I TiVo'd it - I love TiVo.

The problem with Charles and Camilla, by the way, is that they are so incredibly dull. I mean the high point was when they debated hall wallpaper at Balmoral. They called each other Fred and Gladys (for fun) and, boy, did they get that right!

Now on to BUBBLES ALL THE WAY. Pencils sharpened and an imaginary fresh set of paper at the ready. Don't you love starting a new book?

[Susan McB]

Sarah, I think that book would rock! Do it. And, yes, I'll take a credit in the Acknowledgments. Plus, a margarita or two at the RT Convention in Daytona, please.

[Rob Gregory Browne]

I think if guys scrutinized potential girlfriends so closely, they'd never have a relationship. No, we don't just stop at face and body, but this a relationship, not a business deal, LOL.

It's funny you mention Love, Actually. One of my all time favorites. Especially the segment about the writer and the housekeeper, and that scene when the wife is listening to Joni Mitchell (another favorite) as she battles the sickly realization that her husband may be falling for someone else...

[nancy]

Is Renee married to Josh's brother? Just wondering.

[Louise]

Another pertinent question for your Boyfriend Test:

Does he read?

If so, is it just the back of cereal boxes? Only car magazines? Does it ever include instruction manuals?

[j renee stuart]

Feel free to use the 'wedding-video-vs-Playoffs'. For the record, his name is Peter, that's P-E-T-E-R, (AKA, Attila-the -Husband) :).
By the way, a couple of friends of mine just got married on Saturday. They're both from Pittsburgh, originally. Now, I've attended some interesting nuptuals before, but this was the first time I ever saw guests waving Terrible Towels during the Dollar Dance.

[Janice]

HUGE one: when you move together who does he expect to pack everything? If he says You it's time to dump him. My dh was the biggest jerk whenever we moved. Do I look like a moving man?

[Bill Peschel]

While I tend to look suspiciously at the latest research, the fellow who claimed to tell nearly in an instant if the couples are right for each other hit on an important point that I'll try to summarize.

How does he treat you when you're wrong?

Not that it happens in my household. My wife is never wrong. That's rule one (rule two is "when in doubt, see rule one"). But what does he do if you say something he *thinks* is wrong?

Criticize?

Roll his eyes, even when you're in public?

Give the patented "Kif sigh" (if you know you're Futurama)?

The answer says worlds about how y'all will get along for years to come. The rest, as the rabbis say, is just details.

For my wife and I, the test was when -- I'm *so* dead if she knew I told this -- my future wife threw up in my car.

On the second date.

She apologized. I cleaned up. And we went on our date.

Twelve years and three children later, we're still going strong.

[nancy]

--I am *so* dead if she knew I told this--

Bill, I'm still laughing!! Just checked out your blog, too. Everybody needs to click over & take a look. Any man who cleans up after a woman on the 2nd date deserves our respect.

http://www.planetpeschel.com/Weblog/weblog.php

Terrible Towels *and* a dollar dance! Now that's a wedding!!

[Cassie]

One of the gentlemen on our block wrote a list for a buddy of his who was getting married: Top Ten Things a Husband Must Know.

Number One: NO BRAS IN THE DRYER!

(Says a lot about my neighbor, huh?)

[Harley]

Sarah, that's beautiful. Except that I'd never have married my husband if he had to pass the Chick Flick test. He'd rather stick knitting needles into his eyeballs than watch anything with any sort of "Aww, how sweet" component to it.
What did it for me: Is he capable of listening? Not that he'll do it 89% of the time, once you're married, but is he capable of doing it, if it's important?
And, how does he fight? Hint: if you can answer this question on the first date, you might not be the best-suited couple on the block.

[Susan McB]

One of my big tests is: "Do you like Def Leppard?" That tells me plenty. ;-)

[Josh]

Do you use the word "smirk" to describe how he looks sometimes? Not a good sign.

[Carstairs38]

This is all well and good, and I realize I'm on the Lipstick Chronicles, but what about us guys? Any questions we should be asking about potential wives?

Mark

[Susan McB]

Mark, I'm going by the remarks made by other women picked as "top singles" in St. Louis Magazine that unnerved me most. For example, go ahead and ask:

"Do you have a fear of dying alone?"
"Is your favorite fictional character 'Santa Claus'?"
"Is your favorite book GREEN EGGS AND HAM?"

If yes to any or all of the above, run like the wind.

[Kathy Sweeney]

This is a good one. In deference to Mark and everyone else, I'll try to make these non-gender specific.

The first question is: Do I want to have children with this person? If the answer is no, for any reason, do not get married. Seriously, if you're not going to have any (or any more) kids, why would you get married? Live together, have joint accounts, whatever, but don't get married.

Now, assuming you're still interested, here are some questions.

Is he/she a bigot? You'd think in this day and age that you wouldn't have to ask that any more, but you do. In fact, you need to do some creative questioning sometimes to get to it. Recently, a bunch of us were out and met the 'new girlfriend'. She seemed fine, until she made a totally homophobic remark. We thought she was joking. Turns out, no. She's gone now.

Related question - does he or she have some fundamental belief - religious or otherwise, that is, in your opinion, nutso? Examples might include: refusing to change underwear while your favorite team is on a winning streak; insisting that all food in the house be kept in separate cabinets sorted by color; or a sacred calling that includes you strapping explosives to something with duct tape.

Here's a tricky one: the twitch factor. We all have our little idiocyracies (sp?). Some people twitch, some people sneeze so loud it wakes the dead; some people crack their gum, even during funerals. Some of these things can be tolerated. Some cannot. At the beginning, you think to yourself: (a) I can get rid of this habit; or (b) this isn't so bad; or - and this is the scary one - (c) that's kind of cute, in a psychotic way. Forget (a) and (c). You need to ask yourself if you can live with it, assuming that as the person ages, it's going to get worse.

[Carstairs38]

And just what is wrong with Santa and GREEN EGGS? I happen to like both of those.

Of course, they aren't my favorites, however, so no need to run. :)

Mark

[daisy]

Daisy's Important Questions Regarding the Advisability of Marriage:

How drunk was he when you met him?
How drunk were you?
Have either/both of you sobered up yet?
Is he capable of watching a movie in which a loyal dog dies without rubbing his eyes because 'his allergies are acting up'? (If not, abandon relationship immediately; this is not a live human. Blow-up dolls are nice, but they can be emotionally distant.)
Does he eat ice cream directly out of the carton, even when he knows there is someone in the house who might want some?
Is his excuse when he is caught 'but I was going to finish it'?
Does he wear socks with sandals?

Bonus multiple choice question:
Which of these comic strips best reflects his personality/outlook on life? a) Dilbert b) Calvin and Hobbes c) Doonesbury d) Hagar the Horrible e) Cathy

[sarah S]

As the wife of a Calvin and Hobbes, definitely, may I just say that you all by far are the a) most creative bunch on the planet b) the sickest bunch, too. Shows you just how *intimate* marriage is when you're talking about "finishing it" and nervous twitches. Incessant nosepicking should be a cause for no fault divorce, I don't care what state you're in and how solid your prenup.

And may I also say that I'm stealing every one of these for The Boyfriend Test (June 2007). Or, alternatively titled, Vetting Mr. Right.

Hey, does anyone know about pinched nerves in hipbones? In pain here....

[Josh]

That hip pain question was loaded. Suffice it to say that I had a dirty answer that probably would not have helped your pain, but might have made you forget it for a few moments.

[Kerry]

Sarah, is it really in the hipbone, or more around the back alongside your tailbone? It could be sciatica, which hurts and, unfortunately, doesn't go away easily :( I can suggest some stretches that might help . . .

[j renee stuart]

I, j renee stuart, freely, and without coersion, do hereby retract any and all statements made by myself earlier concerning my husband, and a certain NFL-Playoff/wedding video. Not only were my remarks incorrect, but I have been informed that my imagination often fills the (huge) gaps in my memory. Furthermore, the aforementioned husband is unaware that any such wedding video ever even existed, and, if such a catastrophe did occur, I would be equally guilty because I am as much of a football fan as he is.
In addition, I have been encouraged to advise everyone that the moniker 'Attila-the-Husband' is, in fact, a term of deep affection and respect, owing to that historical Hun's romantic prowess, and reknowned leadership abilities.
I deeply regret any pain or suffering caused by my misguided fabrications, and will take the necessary steps to ensure that it does not happen again.
There, now that that's all cleared up, if you'll all excuse me - I have to go cook supper and kiss some butt. :)

[sarah S]

...and that's the other question: How easily is he ticked off and can he be appeased? (And for the record I always thought of Attila as an adorable, leadership-like man's name.)

Okay, the pain is right in the middle of my pelvis. Reminds me of when my pelvis separated when I was pregnant. Feels as though something's pinched.

Of course, it could be some awful cancer in which case I will have to write much faster so my family doesn't have to return my advance money.

[j renee stuart]

psssst...Sarah (imagine that I'm writing this 'soto voce') feel free to go ahead and still use the video story, just make sure you change the names to protect the ...uh.. me. Otherwise, point me in the direction of a good lawyer.
As for the possible pinched nerve, do you have a chiropractor that you trust? It may take a little time, especially if the nerve has become irritated (you know - like my husband), but, it's either that, or muscle relaxers and anti-inflamitories. Good luck.

[Susan McB]

Okay, Mark, you're scaring me. And so does the woman who put all those things as answers on her questionnaire for the magazine. Because if you're an adult and Santa is your favorite fictional character and GREEN EGGS AND HAM is your favorite book, I'm gonna think you don't read at all. Second, if you're afraid of dying alone, I'm figuring you're freaking needy. So honestly, be careful what you don't run from. It might do worse than bite you in the butt. Just a friendly warning from a girl who needs a bribe to finish her books (and where is mine, dude???).

[Kathy Sweeney]

Sarah - once separated, the pelvis is more liable to partially separate again.

So if that's what it feels like, then, maybe that's what it is?

But due to the extended periods of sitting you endured last week, maybe it's something else - like scurvy. heh. That is one of the funniest disease names ever.

Take whatever prescription meds you take for bad cramps. And if you don't have a good 'script, get a new OB/GYN.

[Nancie aka Gun Tart]

He has to be able to handle the bug wrangler/annihilator job! If he screams as loud or louder than you at the sight of any little creepy crawlies, this could be a huge problem.

Throwing kitchen appliances at the multi-legged menace, and fleeing the room does not count, especially if he tries to go over the top of you to get away from the bug.

The toaster did survive, and so did the enraged cockroach who threw it back at him as he fled.

[Kathy Sweeney]

Oh, and speaking of diseases, that is a key question on The Boy/GirlFriend Test.

Maybe just get a copy of one of those long forms you fill out to give blood - or better yet, have actual bloodwork done.

And not just for the standard STDs - don't forget the Goldrush Diseases - they're still out there: typhoid (common, oddly, in people named Mary), cholera, that kind of thing. And the Black Plague. That would be a bad thing in a spouse. Or any of those flesh-eating diseases that cause things to fall off at inopportune times.

[Kathy L in Venice Beach]

Being that Christmas just past:

Who does the shopping for presents for HIS family? Does he even know what you bought his mother?

Does he give you something you can wear outside of the bedroom?

Bonus points: Does he know your REAL size?

Valetines Day: Flowers, card, candy, dinner, all of the above or none of the above?

Single and loving it:

[sara rosett]

Just in case the quiz isn't long enough here's two more questions:

How does he react when he's driving in traffic and is trapped behind granny going 25 in a 45 mph zone?

And can he say (aloud) those three special words we all love to hear--"I was wrong."

[Jeanna]

The best advice I ever heard was from my mother: Remember, you're not just marrying him, you're marrying his whole family, so find out about them NOW. And pay special attention to how he treats his mom.

The second best advice was from my best friend's mom, but it was more to do with dating: If it's really love, it's never too far, too late, or too expensive. I just love that one. ;-)

[Carstairs38]

Susan,

You do have a point. Although I still love Santa. And Christmas. Anything Christmas gets an automatic boost in my book.

GREEN EGGS is fun, except if you actually have to eat them. They are very, very gross in real life. Believe me, I ate them.

Mark

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