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January 24, 2006

Osama's Book Club

By Sarah

Okay, that's it. I'm giving up on Oprah. I'm done with the flowers and chocolates I've been sending her along with my latest new release. Besides, Oprah likes liars or, rather, she gives them wide berth and as anyone who's read the responses to my post about Jim Frey knows, former frat boy liars are right out here at The Lipstick Chronicles.

Which is why I'm leaning more and more toward Osama, though I suspect he's not easily buttered up with chocolate or flowers. (Then again, neither was Oprah.) His debut choice for his brand new Osama's Book Club was not exactly my type of chick lit. William Blum's ROGUE STATE: A Guide to the World's Only Superpower. Osama plugged it in his I'm-Not-Dead-Yet speech last week. "If Bush carries on with his lies and oppression, it would be useful for you to read the book Rogue State," Osama said. And just like that, Blum's small-press book which- surprise here- is critical of US foreign policy went from #332,000 on Amazon to #42. Cha-ching!

Which means fictional accounts of babies being born at Wal-Mart are out and Osama-appeasing tomes are in. I can see the titles now: HOW OSAMA GOT HIS GROOVE BACK. I KNOW WHY THE TRAPPED TERRORIST SINGS. THE DEEP END OF THE CAVE. AND, OF COURSE, A MILLION LITTLE PIECES - MY VISION FOR AMERICA by Osama. (I've been told that bin Laden is not really a last name, just one his family took as a last name to seem more westernized. Also, his brother's Harvard University application insisted.)

Naturally, there are limitations to this new book club. Osama doesn't have the warm, feminine appeal of Oprah. And his TV appearances tend to be rather sporadic instead of reliably on channel 5 from 4:00-5:00, Monday thru Friday. I have never known him to hand out keys to 60 brand new Pontiacs. And, unlike Oprah, he does not have a glossy magazine that totes the value of spiritual growth and a good deep cleansing cucumber face mask. Though he should look into that. It could do wonders for improving his movement's morale between on-air showings.

These quibbles aside, here's the nut question: Could he go for Bubbles? I mean, my character's a bit of a renegade, like him. She's always up against "The Man." And I don't see why I can't fit Osama himself in a cameo in BUBBLES ALL THE WAY (November 2006, FYI). You know, maybe he could be shoplifting a couple of Slim Jims at the 7-11 in Hellertown and Bubbles spots him and....well, as my agent says, mayhem ensues. I bet Osama would be tickled.

Oh, sure, Bubbles is a symbol for all Osama despises about America. She dons the slutty attire of most Western Jezebels - though that's a personal choice as well as a medical one, seeing as how she's allergic to all-natural fibers. Plus she is a diehard Bon Jovi fan and Osama hates rock 'n roll. However, I happen to know that Osama himself used to frequent discos and get down with the lay-dies back in the funky 1970's. He was a regular Disco Stu, in fact, and so regretted his Studio 54 slumming that he reverted to Islamic fundamentalism. Talk about overboard. We all had our "boogie nights", Osama. Too much cocaine and Blondie do not a Jihad call for.

Yes, yes. The more I think about it, the more optimistic I feel. Osama's Book Club is definitely the way to go. Now to see if Penguin publicity can get a legitimate address. The one I have at #59 North Cave, the Third Hill past the Cravass, Western Afghanistan doesn't work anymore. Or maybe he's just avoiding me. You know how these celebrity terrorists are.

Honestly, if this doesn't get my phone tapped, who knows what will. Just what does a girl have to do to get bugged around here?


PS - Here's a pix of Osama in his 1971 Summer 'O Love at Oxford


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Sarah, Bubbles is a shoe-in. Because I happen to know that Osama was born around the same year as me, give or take, but--that hair! Gray is so aging. Remember the Unabomber? Time for a new look.
And--how do you KNOW your phone's not being tapped?

I have a photo of Osama in his swinging disco era - he's in a liesure suit, I swear to God! (Allah?) But somehow I don't think the lighthearted fiction world is ready for Bubbles and Osama (do I hear road show?) And I can see my editor blanche now.

Hmmm. Photos of Osama in a liesure suit? If you weren't on the NSA list before, you are now.

What's with the wierd beards lately? Used to be it was just Bork. Saw a clip of Jeff Daniels in his latest movie and he looks like some kind of forest animal.

Sarah - forget the flowers and candy - send Osama some Grecian Formula. Maybe scratch out the Grecian - my guess is that the Greeks would fall under the category of Imperialist Infidels.

Remember the old show on PBS called "Meeting of the Minds" hosted by Steve Allen?

Here is a representative episode: Charles Darwin, Emily Dickinson, Galileo Galilei, and Attila the Hun; another was Aristotle, Niccolo Machiavelli, Elizabeth Barrett Browning, and Sun Yat-sen.

We could have Bubbles, Osama, Bill Gates, and Pele.

I don't know why Martha Stewart doesn't start her own book club. She could call it the Camp Cupcake Book Club, and prison reading groups across the country would pick up on her titles and discuss them, maybe invite the authors behind bars to share insights. I have a feeling they'd like Bubbles, the Blackbird Sisters, the Debutante Dropout, and Wollie Shelley.

Osama in a leisure suit, huh? What color was it? White, like Travolta's in "Saturday Night Fever?" Nice.

Now you've done it, Susan. Mental images of Osama bin Laden in white pants and vest, moving his hips to "Staying Alive". I'm going to get you for that image, woman, i SWEAR I am.

Okay, I have to find that photo....

Sarah, if you have a photo of Osama dancing like Travolta in a white leisure suit, I think it's enough to get him kicked out of the Taliban. Really, I think that's a hanging offense. (Andi, oh, man, will you put a whoopee cushion on my chair at LCC next year??? Should I be very, very afraid??? Hee hee.)

Sarah, you have totally made my day. Which needed a little making, so thanks for the giggles and grins.

(Pssst . . . be careful when you hear that very faint whispery sound on your telephone . . .)

Bubbles chasing down Osama in high heels for stealing Slim Jims…I can picture this, and it’s hysterical. Thanks for that image Sarah!

This is all I have to say:

With thanx to Ms. Sweeney for the link.

That song never ends! Do you suppose they could have put some ooomph into it?

Whoops! The bus just drove past my house.

You know, I'm sorry Kathy and Nancy, but on further consideration, I've decided it really, really sucks. Plus it's in my head!
"Here we go...Here we go...Here we go..."

It's just so Pittsburgh. ;-)

You oughta hear the Steeler Polka!

Watch it Sarah - you're better off on the NSA list than on the Bad Yinzer list!

Yinz is a Western PA term. Loosely translated, it means 'you' or 'you guys'. Thus, a Yinzer is someone who might actually hear or use the word.

This song has been around for over a decade, and they local guys who do it change up the words each season. For more great Steeler music, check out www.dve.com, our local rock station's website.

I love this town!

And by the by, if Margie is back from Denver, how about telling her to check in with her parole officer - he wants SuperBowl tickets.

How did we get from Osama bin Laden in a white leisure suit back to football?


Don't expect much of anything but football from anyone living within 75 miles of Heinz Field. Unfortunately, that means 1/4 of the Tarts, plus numerous regular readers.

Sorry. It's only 12 more days.

Over dinner my husband - from Ohio - was waxing nostalgically about the great Steeler days when they were always in the Superbowlsand Youngblood who broke his leg and kept on playing.
So, thanks for that, Nancy and Kathy.

Sarah - need a gift idea? There is a great DVD set of the highlights from the last Steelers Dynasty.

Or - I could just put you on my Steeler Faithful e-mai list...too much? OK.

And Nancy - what's with the 75 mile limit?

Our man JON STEWART gave a big shout-out to Big Ben on The Daily Show last night.

Also - feel free to tell me to take my Steeler joy elsewhere - no offense will be taken.

Why do I have this mental image of Nancy dancing around her living room? I don't even know what her living room looks like.

Silly me, I forgot how it is with you Pennsy types and football. Here we go...Here we go....Here we go......

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