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January 04, 2006

Lost & Found

Lost & Found

by Susan, Who Feels Lost at Least Once a Day

Occasionally, just for fun, I'll get into Typepad and look at the stats.  Not so much to check on the volume of traffic, but to see where it's coming from.  Which is where the "lost" part comes in.  Seems like plenty of folks stumble onto us when they're looking for something else...or, maybe, have no clue what it is they're really looking for.  Just in the past 24-hours, we've had many lost souls, searching the Web for, um, the oddest things and, somehow, ending up in the comforting bosom(s) of The Lipstick Chronicles.

For example, a few peeps found Nancy's piece on "Face-Time With the Rottweiler" after sticking these words into a search engine:  "Hungarian Puli for Sale California" and "Labrador Eye Boogers."  It's the labrador eye boogers that particularly interest me.  What was this person really needing to know?  The origin of doggie eye boogers?  What to do with them?  Recipes involving them?  I'm curious, I must confess.

A Googler seeking "bad lipo jobs" ended up at Harley's "Lipo, Lipo, Lipo" piece, and several folks looking for very different things--"William Petersen wedding photo" and "pictures from St. Louis Magazine Singles Bash"--dropped in on my column about "The Unreal World."

This one confused me.  The "Books That Changed Our Lives" blog drew in a reader who'd entered the search terms "sissy caught lipstick."  Hmmm.  What does that mean?  Is it a code?  A secret message?  Do we need to send a rescue team to free the lipstick from Sissy's evil clutches?  It's enough to drive a mystery author bonkers, trying to solve the riddle.

Sarah's bit on "Mothers I'd Like to Throttle" sucked in someone who had a desire to investigate "mothers I'd like to"...er, f**k.  Yes, I'm serious.  Though perhaps that'll be Sarah's follow-up blog, after she and Josh hit Studland in England and get those nekked pictures on the beach with the nudist camp regulars.

Harley's take on her "Family Wedding" caught the eye of a woman (and I'm assuming it's a woman) wanting to know about "wedding mints" and "calories."  How many calories are there in wedding mints, Harley?  Did you address that question?  Obviously, one inquiring mind wants to know.

I wrote about being photographed for my new author photos in "Mirror, Mirror," and a couple people wondering about "Kelly Ripa lost pounds" and "writing lipstick mirror" clicked onto my essay.  I understand the former, but the latter?  What is a "writing lipstick mirror"?  Does it type and enable you to precisely apply your Coco Red Chanel at the same time?  If so, I'd like one, please.

Folks checking out "2 million dollar jeans by sweetface" and "jlo jeans 17 carat diamond" detoured to Tiffany Van Cleef Arpel's ode to simple gifts for the holidays (aka, "All I Want for Christmas Is Swarovski Crystal Jeans").  Does J-Lo really make two million dollar jeans?  Are you putting me on?  Did anyone buy a pair?  That seems a little steep, even for Daisy.

Now I'm wondering who'll turn up at "Lost & Found" after this goes up on the blog.  Maybe that guy who left a glove in the parking lot and got home, only to reach in his pockets and say, "Damn, where did my right one go?"  Or Jessica Simpson might come searching for her brain.  Surely, it'll turn up somewhere.  I hope.  Perhaps in Harley's next essay.




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Looks like a great topic for a soc class paper. Or a whole semester class.

Based on the photos on that website, and what I look like nekkid, I don't think that my visit to a nude beach would inspire any erotic writings from me or anyone else. I can't speak for Sarah, but I gotta think that she would agree with respect to herself. It just doesn't look very romantic, which, I guess, is the idea.

Okay, first of all, I have no idea how you dug up this stuff, Susan. I can find it on my own website (don't even ask - lots of naked teenage Slim Fast suicide), but this one.
And now that you've combined them all, surely we're looking at Nekked Sissy Wedding Mints (that one totally cracked me up!)
Great piece. Verry, verry funny. Now I gotta find these stats.

Susan, I can't help noticing how many hits we get from people searching for "Kelly Ripa anorexia." Which I don't think we've ever addressed here.

Nancy, back from sunny Florida & ready to rock----er---I mean write!!

Kelly Ripa has anorexia?

It's the "Mirror, Mirror" piece and the comments attached, Nancy. All the key words are in there. Amazing how many people think Kelly has anorexia and are compelled to Google those words, however. I think a study should be done on that.

One wine-fogged night during the past week, my husband and I introduced our home-for-the-holidays children to the Google game, in which you attempt to enter a search phrase that will bring up the least number of hits. You'd be amazed how the most ridiculous string of words will result in thousands of hits. Whoever would have guessed that "octopus clocks" are such a popular item?

So, Susan, maybe that's where your writing lipstick mirror came from. I'm going to Google right now to see if I can order one.


Sissy Caught Lipstick and Writing Lipstick Mirror are clearly blood relatives.

An octopus clock, Letha??? My God, where can I get one?!!

I check my stats once in awhile as well. One of the referrer pages was a Google search for "Cambodian sex goddesses."

Now how, on earth, did they wind up on my site? (And now they'll wind up on yours, he-he.)

Of course, I'm also wondering how I happened to get a coupon in the mail for a free pair of panties from Victoria's Secret.

I look at some of my google hits and shake my head as well. Some are just downright sick, too.

Of course, may pages archieve a month at a time, and in the course of a month, you can wind up with some very strange word combos without even realizing it.


Susan- The jeans are real- at least according to the VH1 show I saw them on (and if you can't trust the network that is bringing you Flava Flav's dating show, then who can you trust?) but as far as I know no one has purchased them. I can't imagine why.
(And hey, I think I just raised your hit count again. Anybody searching for 'anorexic Kelly Ripa dating Flava Flav' is definitely coming here first.)

According to her FATHER (and many of us of the hormonally charged and developmentally stunted gender), Jessica Simpson has as much brains as she needs. Here is the money quote:

“Jessica never tries to be sexy. … She just is sexy. If you put her in a T-shirt or you put her in a bustier, she’s sexy in both. She’s got double D’s! You can’t cover those suckers up!"

How would you like your father to talk about you that way? In the press?

I heard that comment made by Jessica Simpson's father. Saw it on tv. Made me completely sick to my stomach.

I admit, I obsessively look at my hit counter. And I agree - the oddest combinations come up. I seem to get a lot of hits from the Middle East with words keywords that usually involve "boobs." Go figure.

I'm actually surprised the number of folks who keyword my name. You'd think people were looking for me.

Oh wait.


Josh, if my dad even knew my bra size, I'd be surprised (and thank God for that). I wonder what it takes to turn your father into your pimp? I'll have to ask Jessica about that sometime.

Daisy, would you ever buy two million dollar jeans even if you had a billion? I'm thinking I wouldn't. Although, a two million dollar pair of shoes...hmm. I'd have to think about that. (Just kidding! I'd rather donate the moola to charity. Some things are too ridiculous for words.)

Lisa, well, I think I understand the "boobs" connection to your site. You keep running that "magic boobs" piece, which seems to have a lot of staying power.


Yeah, there are two blog entries for Magic Boobs and for some reason folks seem to like it. Every time I run it I get emails telling me how much they love (or resemble) it.

The other one I get requests for is the Rainy Days and Dog Poop entry. That's an old one though.

And then there's The Adventures of Jill and Lisa - I get emails about that one too, but lately the emails have involved lightly veiled threats because I haven't posted the next adventure in the series (Not my fault. It's Jill's fault. She hasn't given it to me yet. I have a feeling there may be a bit of "get even-ness" involved. You'll understand when I finally post it.)

Nah, even I consider 2 mil a little steep for jeans. Especially when they're just $50 jeans with a big old diamond on the button. There is something to be said for spending more to get nice stuff (to the dismay of my father, who believes that the cheapest item is always the best) (and who would never, ever, mention my boobs, or even acknowledge that they exist). But I think that after a certain point you aren't paying for quality any more, you're just spending a lot of money so you can say, "Hey, look at me. I spent a lot of money."

This one made me think , just how much will people pay for things?
At Harrods one pair of shoes 1 million pounds ( of course I have no idea what pounds to American is LOL)
In London one haircut 1,925 pounds
One Tea bag (with diamonds) 7,500 pounds
Geez, I wished I knew the exchange rate!!!!
a cellular phone 28,000
and One pair of Jeans $ 4000.00 ( finally in dollars!
They dont have anything else to spend their money on? ME ME ME spend it on me!!!
Glad your all back, I missed you all!

I always enjoy doing exactly the same thing.. looking at google searches that ended someone from Qatar on my blog.. sometimes they are amusing search terms, as you have seen for yourself..
I once wrote about a local all girl cover band called "group sex"
well.. I don't think I have to tell you what followed.. It was fun to watch though..
glad to hear I'm not the only one who checks them out!

Great post Susan. You’ve got me wondering, and chuckling, about the people that typed in these strange searches, and the reason for doing so in the first place. However, some things should remain a mystery in a few circumstances.

Jessica Simpson and her father’s comments are, well, just to disturbing to think about, egads.

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