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January 11, 2006

The Truth, the Whole Truth, and Everything But the Truth

The Truth, the Whole Truth, and Everything But the Truth

A Fictional Interview with a 100-Proof Poser by Susan

In light of Harley's blog on Monday about government conspiracies and Sarah’s column yesterday on a bestselling nonfiction writer making-up or exaggerating a hunka-hunka stories in his book, I figured it was the perfect opportunity to chat with an acquaintance of mine, a figment of my fertile imagination, Ms. Lya-Lya Pansonfiah.  Lya is a familiar face on the publishing scene, doing panels, giving workshops, and gabbing with Katie Couric and Diane Sawyer regarding her expertise in the areas of writing and mental health.  Lya has yet to pen a book and has no degree in psychology, but poking fun at her not-quite-real life makes for a fascinating discussion. I considered having Hazel or Margie conduct the Q&A, but I thought that would feel so--I don't know--fake?

Susan:  Welcome to TLC, Lya.  It’s a pleasure to have someone of your caliber here, whatever that is. 

Lya:  Thanks, SuSu.  It’s a .38 Special, if you must know.  I keep it in the pocket of my velvet Vera Wang blazer at all times, considering Pat Robertson called for my assassination while lunching with his bosom-buddy, the president of Venezula.  That 700-Club is really a covert branch of the CIA, did you know?  And don’t get me started on the Promise Keepers.

Susan:  Hmm, no, I wasn’t aware of that, but thanks for the info.  As a writer, I’m used to making up stories, which end up in things I call “novels.”  But I’m not sure what to call what you do.  Are you a nonfiction storyteller?  A pseudo-expert on psychology?  A wannabe-writer who masquerades as an author? 

Lya:  Just call me a Renaissance Woman, because that’s what I am.  Nothing is beyond my reach, and, if it is, I’ll just make myself a stepladder out of milk crates and climb on up.  That’s how I am.  Unfazed by obstacles.

Susan:  That would include truth, I’d wager.

Lya:  Truth schmooth.  What is it anyway but a person’s perception of reality?

Susan:  Wow, intriguing take on the subject.  Might I ask about your education?  On the CV you faxed, I can’t quite make out the name of your college.  It looks like, “Skank University”?

Lya:  My God, girl, you need glasses.  I earned my credentials at the most difficult institution on the planet, even tougher than Harvard and Yale combined.  It’s called the School of Hard Knocks, which is a highly accredited online university offering reality-based classes for adults who have no time for classroom study.  They recently bestowed an honorary doctorate upon me, did you know that?  So now I’m officially “Dr. Lya-Lya Pansonfiah.” 

Susan:  Well, congratulations.  I’m sure you’re worthy of that title and more.

Lya:  Speaking of titles, you do realize I was crowned Miss America , Miss Universe, and Miss Galaxy all in one fell swoop?  It was the largest pageant ever, held at Trump’s casino in Vegas, and Oprah sang the National Anthem.  I’ve never heard such a beautiful voice. She could easily do Verdi at the Met. I did that once, of course, and got a standing O, which makes Ms. O very jealous.

Susan:  I'll bet it does. How about some insight into your prison stint, as you claim to have served time at Folsom with Johnny Cash.  I didn't realize they put women in cells with dudes. What happened?

Lya:  Honey, didn't you see "Boys Don't Cry"? Based on my life, I tell you. As for my crime, hell, I shot a man, just to watch him die.  Everyone knows that!  I also shot the sheriff, and narrowly escaped prosecution in Georgia when the lights went out and they hung an innocent man.

Susan:  I can name those tunes in five notes.

Lya:  Are you questioning my veracity, Suzie-Q?  Are you calling me a poser?

Susan:  Um, yeah.  Didn’t you see the title of this interview?

Lya:  You wouldn’t believe how many people believe every word I say.

Susan:  Sadly, I would.

Lya:  And those who know better, I call “liars,” because it’s better to strike first, you know, then risk them spilling the truth about me and even one person buying that I’m full of hot air.

Susan:  Good plan.

Lya:  It’s something I developed while heading the Global War Tribunal at the Pentagon, working side by side with Rummy.  It’s called “Don’t Ask, Don't Ever Frigging Tell the Truth.” 

Susan:  Nice policy.

Lya:  It trumps that 12-Step stuff every time.  Which reminds me, did I tell you about my recovery from mainlining Hostess Cupcakes?  Spent the better part of junior high drying out with some of Hollywood ’s most notable bulimics.

Susan:  We’ll save that for next-time.

Lya:  Just be sure I'm out of court, okay? I'm suing Hilary Clinton.

Susan:  Isn't everyone?

(In the interest of journalistic integrity, it should be noted that Dr. Lya-Lya Pansonfiah is not a real person, but an amalgam of actual and artificial sociopaths descended from a long lost nondenominational tribe once ruled by Chief Sitting Bullshit.  Seriously.  Would I make something like that up?)


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LOVE THIS! Lya Lya must return for another guest appearance.


Did she mention her wife, er, Morgan Fairchild?

Josh, she did not mention that. I'll have to tack that on to my next round of questions, which also include whether or not she's the one who shot those naked photos of Harley that are circulating online. Because I think she did.

Dont forget to ask her if she is the one that shot JR. Oh, and is she the one who really invented the internet, and not Gore?

SusanCo, I'll bet she did...both things!

Susan, did you actually see her, or was the interview conducted over the phone? Because I heard she's had some work done. Or is she, as she claims, only 22?

Susan, could you see if Lya will clear up the second gunman theory on the grassy knoll the next time you talk to her? Thanks.

Harley, it was over the phone, so I'm not sure about the age thing. Next time, I'll request a face-to-face interview and look for scars near the ears.

Nancie, I'm adding that to my list of questions for Lya's follow-up interview. I remember her once letting it slip that she dated the second gunman on the grassy knoll...and the product of that affair was PeeWee Herman (could just be a rumor though).

Could you confirm that rumor with Lya? I've always wanted an explanation for PeeWee Herman's existence.

Thanks for the laugh, Susan. Just finished my revisions, so I'm in a very good mood....

Rob, I saw that on your blog. Tried to post a comment to say, "Woo hoo!" But it wouldn't let me. So...woo hoo right here! Since you're free, would you like to finish my book for me? Just 20 days 'til deadline.

Nancie, I have a feeling Lya will confirm that one. It would surely explain a lot of things, huh?

So, this deal with the 700 Club? Is it black ops CIA like SD-6 or like APO?

(Please tell me there's at least one other Alias fan here.)


Saw fascinating panel with Ms. Pansonfiah the other day and I learned some great stuff. Like, the best way to get an agent's attention at a convention is to follow her to the bathroom and pitch while she's trapped in the stall, and you should always include a bunch of confetti in your query letters so they'll be memorable. It's too bad she hasn't sold a book yet, but I guess her persecution at the hands of the male-dominated media establishment explains that.

Daisy, sounds like you gleaned loads of helpful info from Dr. Pansonfiah's workshop! She'll be thrilled to hear it. Don't forget, too, that you should type your manuscript in Ransom Notes font on jellybean paper and never enclose an SASE. That will guarantee a fast sale!

Mark, um, the first one. Yeah, I'm sure of it.

I think I noted sarcasm. Do you mean that confetti in the letter isn't a good idea?

Hmmm. No wonder I haven't heard from anyone.

Sarcasm? From me? Never.

There are one or two questions I would like her to answer besides the JR and the internet thing. First, is it true she has Judge Crater and Jimmy Hoffa in the basement under that special concrete slab? I wanted to check it out last time I saw her but she wouldnt leave me alone for a second! Also I heard that she was the engineer that worked on Earharts plane before she took off. Now this could just be a rumor but you know that there is always some truth in there somewhere.

Susan, I'm sure we can make some kind of financial arrangement for the completion of your book. I won't charge too much.

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