Celebrity Author Dish

By Sarah

Okay, all week I've kvetched about the book touring - the plane screw ups, the paltry showings at signings, the overwhelming feeling that one is a failure. But today is Friday and so I have a little treat - what those Celebrity Authors are really like. Info you really can't get anywhere else but on book tour.

How do I know? Well, I don't really. I'm just going by the gossip I get from the media escorts who drive around everyone from the Rolling Stones to, well, me. Aside from meeting fans, squeezing media escorts for dish is my favorite on-the-road activity. Usually the escorts hold their proverbial cards close to their proverbial chests. The car rides are long, however, and as a genetic pest and a former reporter I'm ruthless. This is what I've been able to find out over the five years of touring. You'll have to guess who the unnamed authors are - hey, maybe we can run a contest!

David Sedaris - Probably the escorts favorite passenger. Takes copious notes in a little wirebound notebook he carries in his shirt pocket. Has a "tip jar." Writes thank you notes on his lap in the car as soon as he leaves a signing. Believes tobacco is a vegetable of which he consumes copious amounts.

Unnamed prominent politician - Once made a pass at an escort after she refused to corral nubile women up to his hotel room. Travels with a posse. Despite that, made the escort carry in tons and tons of books by herself. Tried to French kiss her afteward in front of gang before hopping plane.

Unnamed drunken big author - So blotto that escort realized she could not put this woman on the air. When she was instructed by the publisher to just "pack her up," the escort was pelted by expletives and ashtrays thrown by author who continued to drink from mini bottles, watching through slitted eyes as escort collected underwear and PJs.

Julia Child - Gracious sweetheart with a blue vocabulary. When young chef accidentally tripped while bringing in a beautifully prepared sea bass that flew across the table and landed in Julia Child's lap, Julia chortled, "That's why I never cook the f*^#ers."

Richard Simmons - Voted most fun/most bizarre. Given to taking limos and stopping at curbs, inviting strangers in for rides. Carried large Barbie-ish make up case and referred to himself in the third person as "Dicky." Totally uplifting.

Unnamed fantasy writer and husband - Claimed to be devout vegetarians who only consumed filtered water and whole, organic food. Demanded that escort find such at midnight. When such could not be found after a 90 minute search, ate cheeseburgers and drank Coke lustily. Matching purple fingernails.

Unnmamed "sensitive" male author of women's fiction - A ten hanky tear jerk. Strapping and fit, called escort at her home on the other side of the city and demanded she to take him from his hotel to the gym. When she pointed out that the gym was across the street from the hotel and that the hotel ran on-demand shuttles to and fro,  Ten Hanky Tear Jerk remarked that he "didn't do shuttles" because he was simply too famous. Often asks readers to guess what he prefers - boxers or briefs.

Most favorite authors - Nora Roberts hands down. Candace Bushnell. Harlan Coben. Laura Lippman. Sue Grafton and many others. (Generally - they are nice.)

Least favorite authors - Comedians. Any author of a self-help book. Cornwell. Evanovich.

John Grishman - So unknown at the beginning had to carry around his own books which he sold out of back of car.

JK Rowling - At first signing sold 9 books. Same store one year later, 10,000.

Weirdest Request from an Author - Nonfiction author of "exposes" staying in a European five-star hotel called her contact in the states demanding that said contact call the busboy in the lobby of her five-star European hotel to get him to come up to her room and collect her bags. I kid you not.

Hey - Now I'll never get any dirt from the escorts. Oh, well. If you're in Houston, why not come on down and see me at Rice Epicurean Markets on San Felipe tomorrow. Should be fun.

Sarah

Comments

[Lisa Coutant]

Oh my God. This is fabulous. What great fuel for characters! You could write a book about being on a book tour.

L

[Josh]

Thank you for that dish. You gotta have more than that, though.

[Kathy Sweeney]

I have Rolling Stones concert merchandise and am willing to trade for names....

[Kiaduran]

That was great - now I'll be obsessed trying to figure them out.

This is off-topic, but has anyone heard from Harley re: her house in Topanga Canyon and the fires?

[Kathy Sweeney]

Another off topic comment -

Guess what? Your book is on Amazon's recommended list and there's a great description too - names all the bigs: Sex and the City, Desperate Housewives - and on the same screen is a link to Nancy's latest Blackbird mystery too!

Sarah and Nancy - I forwarded the e-mail to you, but wanted to share the good news here since you're both away from home.

And while I'm already off topic, hope all is well with Harley.

[Leann Sweeney]

What time Saturday--Saturday right? I will try to come, but traveling to downtown Houston from where I live is equivalent to the wonderful evacuation we had from Rita. Plus one of the cars is sick after said evacuation and in the shop. We hope to get it back this evening.

[Alex]

Ohhh I just love celebrity author gossip :-D
Thanks!

[Carstairs38]

Unnamed midlist author - uses long car rides to pester and pester until escort reveals gossip all about other people escorted.

Kidding, only kidding.

Seriously, it is rather amazing how people behave when they think they can get away with it, isn't it?

Hope your stop tonight is successful. And I've been thinking about Harley since yesterday as well.

Mark

[Naomi]

Sedaris is writing thank-you letters in the car when he leaves a signing? Wow, I have to learn etiquette from him. Impressive.

[sarah S]

hey - I don't know where Harley is. I've been emailing her, too. Doesn't sound good, does it?

[sarah S]

Just heard from her - she's fine but her COSTCO is in jeopardy. Let us bow our heads for a minute of silence.

[Andi]

I just got email from Harley - she's FINE and safe

[sarah S]

I just want y'all to know that I'm the only Red Sox fan right now in Houston during a pivotal weekend. Thank heavens for ESPN

[Elissa]

I was really enjoying reading all inside scoop on the authors, as well as the comments until I saw the words Red Sox...

[sarah S]

Oh, c'mon. We ALL hate the Red Sox.

Okay, now I can't find the game on TV down here and they're losing. See what happens when I don't watch!!

BTW - GREAT signings in Houston. Who knew an upscale grocery store would bring in so many readers.

[Andi]

No we don't all hate the Red Sox. Some of us LOVE the Red Sox and were made VERY VERY happy by the events of last year.

some of us are big fans of Randy Johnson but we stilll hate the Yankees and want the Red Sox to take it.

NEVER assume.

I spent 5 days in Chicago cussing out the hotel which had ESPN but NOT ESPN2, and I missed a good part of the WNBA finals.

(NEVER assume you know who's a sports fan either!)

[Jeanne Ketterer]

I'll be back for more in a bit -- gotta get dinner on the table -- did anyone catch the title of the book Stephen King was reading during today's game? They had the camera on him (he usually sits behind first, three rows up, IIRC) and you could see the cover, but I couldn't read it. Of course I absolutely have to know now.

Jeanne

[Harley]

Hey, I'm fine, and thank you all for caring. (well, as fine as a person can be whose children's schools were closed for 2 days.) I'm going to brave the smoke today and see how Costco fared. And I pretty sure Stephen King's book had a woman on the cover wearing pearls and holding a finger up to her lips in a "ssh" gesture.

[Kiaduran]

Red Sox - football, right?

[sarah S]

Woo-hoo! We're in! We're the wild card.

As for hating the bosox - let me just explain. I am a 3rd generation red sox fan (all down the maternal side, by the way). My grandmother died with the transitor radio in her ear. My mother never lived to see them win the world series, but my parents marriage nearly ended when they went up against the phillies. I remember Billy Buckner and I remember bullpens I would like to throttle.
But, as always, I foolishly enter the post season with hope that they will end up battling the Yankees.
I hope y'all understand.

[Charlaine Harris]

Hey, Sarah, that's why I always try to be nice to my escorts; though it's easy, since they're generally wonderful people. I've heard horror stories about other writers, though most of the escorts are too discreet to name the awful ones, darn it!

Have a great time on the road.

Charlaine