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June 15, 2005

A Quiz

It has been suggested that we can only top the hullabaloo of our last blog entry by posting nekkid pictures here on The Lipstick Chronicles, but alas, that will not happen because it's my turn to write today, and I ain't lettin' nobody see me without my Hanky Panky 4911s.

Hanky Panky Low Rise Lace Thong

Instead, I'm tempted to tell you everything I know about Nora. All her secrets.  The good, the bad, the ugly.  The inside scoop.                                        Image Preview

Not that Nora, you salacious gossip monger!  I mean Nora Blackbird, my alternate personality, my constant companion lo, these last five years, the heroine of my mystery series.

But that seemed kinda Dullsville considering the events of the last 48 hours, so in the interest of deflecting attention temporarily away from the Book Tarts, dear reader, we are gathered here today to focus on you. 

And it requires your participation in a Cosmo-like quiz. Nevermind why.  You'll learn that soon enough.  I trust you'll score yourself fairly. Extra credit is awarded for making up your own answers as long as you don't mention Paris Hilton, Tom Cruise or anybody named Janet.

Here goes:

Pop Culture Division.  Do you believe:

1 point:  John Tesh is an artist and anyway, what's wrong with continuing to watch Regis and Kelly after the first 15 minutes?

2 points: It's high time John Cusack did some nude scenes.

3 points: The only reason to see the new Batman movie is to find out if Christian Bale's rubber suit has nipples.

Possible Occupation Other Than Your Own Division:

1. Bed and breakfast proprietor.  (Are you out of your mind?? You don't do enough laundry and cooking already?)

2. Wardrobe evaluator.  (No kidding, there's actually a company that will come to your home to "evaluate your wardrobe...store and catalog off-season items, donate castaways to worthy charities" and make suggestions for improvements in your "personal style." Now, does this sound like the perfect scam to anyone besides me?)

3. Tastemaker.  (Honest to God, somebody calls herself this in the current issue of Town and Country, which I only buy for research purposes, really.)

Last Minute Summer Vacation Division.  Choose one:

1. A Disney cruise.

2. Luxury fishing camp in Michigan.  (OKay, this is a cheat since it's my brother's latest tax deduction, but check it out, particularly that you can land your private jet or helicopter nearby. http://www.thebluelakelodge.com/

3. Any Ritz-Carlton as long as there's champagne on the room service menu, two of those plush bathrobes, a pool with a swim-up bar and maybe a drunken celebrity throwing a phone in the lobby.

Bookstore Experience Division.  When entering your favorite bookstore, you:

1. Make a beeline for those tiny, expensive, yet morally pretentious books Maria Shriver produces to keep the California governor's mansion in curtains.  Deduct a point if you buy one.

2. Hang out in the self-help aisle, snickering over such titles as BLOW HIM AWAY and SHE COMES FIRST. (Admit it.  You'd sneak a peek if you were pretty sure nobody was watching.)

3. Mosey into the coffee shop (carrying not an Oprah pick, but a copy of HOW TO MAKE LOVE LIKE A PORN STAR or NYMPHOMANIA, A HISTORY or any book written by one of the Book Tarts--dare I mention that CROSS YOUR  HEART AND  HOPE TO DIE is currently available in stores everywhere?) to people watch and scribble snarky observations on the napkin in which you were going to wrap the leftover portion of your brownie, but, uh, you ate it instead.

Housekeeping Division.  You can't take your eyes off this domestic goddess:

1. Martha Stewart.  (OKay, okay, we all have permission to admire the way she coped with the whole jail thing, but you must admit the homemade marshmallow concept is just masochistic.)

2. Nigella Lawson because an occasional girl crush can be healthy and/or psychologically self-exploratory, don't you think, and if you're a man I don't  need to explain further because food and breasts--what more could you possibly want and if you say beer you must deduct two points?

3. The decorator guy on Queer Eye because, damn, he just has a knack for color and texture, and y'know, I hear he might be straight,                   Go to fullsize image

and the sexual fantasy of "converting" a gay man is supposed to be one of the most popular masturbation scenarios for women, no kidding, I do lots of research.

Before You Die Travel Aspiration Division:

1. Universal Studios, Orlando.

2. St. Petersburg (the one with the Hermitage, not the alligators) or maybe Prague because I hear it's fabulous, but definitely not Dubai because the shopping may be unbelievable, but they do have power outages and daytime temperatures of 125 degrees.

3. ______________ (You fill in the blank.)

Sex Division.  Are you getting enough?

1. No.

2. Hell, no.

3.  Omigawd I wouldn't even mind giving Dr. Phil

a spin on the                               Go to fullsize image

500 thread-counts because it's been hours since I last.....well, time's up!

So add up your score and see where you belong:

1-7 points:  Honey, get yourself laid.  Soon. It will make a world of difference.

8-18 points: You'll love any of the books written by the Book Tarts.  We're going to have a printable shopping list somewhere on the blog as soon as I figure out how to do that.

9-whatever points because I'm not really counting:  Congratulations!  You're probably a novelist!! Please post your before-you-die-travel-aspirations in the comments section because I'm creating a list.  Otherwise, tell me how much you want more sex because I'd just like to know.


PS.  Nora Roberts is a lovely person and a brilliantly entertaining writer. I especially like her In Death series, so there.


Is 'everywhere' an acceptable answer to the travel question?

I'd really like to visit Europe and especially Auschwitz. Wierd I know. Ever since I learned, at the age of 15, that 11 million people were systematically executed while the world stood by for the most part (one million at Auschwitz alone)...I have has this need to figure it out. Why? How? Where? What?!! The Catholic Chruch allowed this to happen by giving tacit approval by refusing to denounce it??? There went my religion. (Hey, at 15 EVERYthing is black or white) For some odd reason I would like to go and honor the dead. Stand in the very area people nobly went to their deaths because of who they were. Or rather who Hitler told people they were. I have read everything from Exodus by Leon Uris to The Nuremburg Interviews (notes and interviews by the psychiatrist of the defendants in the trials) which is many books published from 1950-2004. I would like to see all I read of. I would like to cry for a period of time where HELL was on earth. I would like to respect the 11 million dead.

I'm a travel editor and have a travel blog (http://entertainment.ctcentral.com/weblog/travel.php) and yesterday posted about how Chernobyl is a new tourism hot spot. No kidding. But I'm not sure it'll be high on my list. I'd like to go back to China and see the Great Wall this time (last time I was far far from the Wall and distracted by my new daughter), Tokyo intrigues me, and I'd love to visit Iceland.

nancy - All I know is that you managed to get sex in every spot on this blog. I will never be able to go into a B&N Starbucks without blushing. And what's this about straightening out gay guys? I quiver to think where you did your research.

Don't knock the marshmallow making. My dad used to keep all the kids in the neighborhood entertained for hours on rainy afternoons by making really elaborate candy. Rainy days still make me think of hot buttered fingers pulling taffy or making popcorn balls. Watching the other kids get first aid for minor burns was part of the fun.

I've always wanted to ride the Orient Express. And on a photography safari in Africa. And see Venice, Italy.

Um, I could probably keep adding to the list for days. :)

Aaaaah, Venice!

Aaaaah, SEX in Venice!

I like your thinking, Jeanna.

Nice follow up to the "Me and Janet E." tale. The Janet E. tale was fascinating and your Nora tale was quite entertaining. Way to punt. What a recovery.

Gratifying to know we have such a perceptive readership. ;-)

Oooh...can't vouch for the shopping in Dubai (nor the temperatures) but I'm a hotel fanatic and the Burj El Arab Hotel (http://www.burj-al-arab.com/) is definitely on my list.

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