Boob on a Wire
By Kathy Reschini Sweeney
First of all, if you only get one thing from these medical blogs, other than early detection, here it is:
TRUST YOUR SURGEON
If you don't trust your surgeon, find another one. I had a royal fit about the surgical center but it turns out that if I could have every other medical procedure in my life performed there, I would be happy. It was like being in an old-fashioned hospital where everyone helped everyone, they knew my name and which boob was the trouble maker, and it was the cleanest medical facility I have ever seen. Shame on me for doubting Dr. Bonaventura (is that the most sublime name for an oncology surgeon?).
Okay, back to the wire part.
When they did the needle biopsy, they left in a piece of metal. This was very smart, especially since it turns out that menopausal boobs are cloudy with calcium.
So my first procedure yesterday was to spend some quality time with a smaller and more agile version of a digital mammogram machine. If there were porn for mammogram readers, I could have had my own issue, complete with a centerfold. They kept smooshing and turning my boob and taking pictures until the Doc was happy with the view. This resulted in my first laugh out loud line of the day, which was: "Geez, I feel like I'm doing Cirque du Soleil presents Boobs".
By about the sixth yoga-like position, they had the shot they wanted. Then they asked me if I thought I could tolerate the procedure while standing up, rather than laying down. Honey, please. I've delivered babies.
I don't like that anesthestic they inject - it burns longer than the pain of the damn process, so I asked them to use as little as possible. As a result, I was able to feel the sensation, with very little pain. First, they snake a needle with a tube attached - and they keep taking pictures so they can make sure they are going to the right place. Once they reach the site where the metal clip is located, they insert a wire through the tube. The tube comes out, the wire stays in, and it serves as a trail for the oncology surgeon so she can go directly to the site.
Here is the weird part - and believe me when I tell you there is always a weird part. I am a short person, for a grown up. I am basically trying to sustain a very awkward embrace with a ten foot machine while holding my breath on command, and - love this - "Relaxing". I can't really see wtf is going on because my face is mashed up against the machine because apparently my ribs wanted in on the photo action.
ANYway, I realize at some point that the doctor is underneath the tray that holds the boob. So, it's like a waitress putting a pizza tray on the table, and another waitress is underneath the tray. At my towering almost 5 feet, this puts the doctor ON THE FLOOR. That's right. The floor. This poor doc is pretzeled up in something that had to look like the fetal position just to fit in the space.
Me: "What the hell? Are you on the floor?"
Nurse: "Yes, she's on the floor. It's the only way for her to get into position to insert the wire."
Me: "The floor?! Why did you want me to stand up for this if she was going to have to do that? Couldn't you at least get her one of those rolling things like auto mechanics use?"
Nurse #2: "We will look into that. You are just, uh, a little shorter than we thought."
Me: "I get that a lot. It's because I'm loud."
Doc: "Okay, everyone, I need to insert this wire now so not talking would be helpful but I want to hear your suggestions when I am done here."
At this point we all shut up because, as you may have learned during the past week, you do NOT mess around when the tits are in the balance. When the doc said she was finished, she burst out laughing and told me she was going to requisition a mechanics creeper just to see what "corporate" would say. Then:
Nurse: #1: "Doctor, do you want a bee-bee?"
Doc (who is still on the floor with gauze and tape): "Yes, that would be good."
Me: "What's a bee-bee?"
Nurse #2: "You know, a little round ball."
Me: "Like from a gun? A Red Ryder BB gun?"
Nurse #1: "No, no - we don't have any guns here. Just the BBs."
Nurse #2: "I love that movie."
The purpose of the BB is so they can find the entry point of the wire. Apparently this is for the pre-op nurses, and they use them for your larger-type boobs.
So there you have it - step one of the process. High tech and low tech meet the floor.
Good thing these blogs write themselves because that Tylenol 3 is some major stuff.
More later, but rest assured that I feel good about the whole thing, I appreciate your thoughts and prayers - no kidding, I could feel the power of that energy whenever I started to panic. It was like a blanket of calm.
Okay - now you guys. Bizarre medical experiences?