Boob Control
By Kathy Reschini Sweeney, who has a female reproductive system and is therefore qualified to be the Decider
I know I said I was going to try to stay out of politics - but this one crosses all political parties, subdivisions, and inclinations.
Knock, Knock.
Who's There?
A Man Who wants to control your Uterus.
Go Fuck Yourself.
And that goes double for a RELIGIOUS man who wants to control my uterus. How about getting your own cat houses in order before you bound into my bedroom? The unfortunate reality is that most religious institutions wouldn't know a moral high ground if it were on a relief map in their laps. Yeah. I DID put it that way, because after all, I must be totally driven by penis envy. Riiiiiiiight.
Earlier today on Facebook, I posted the following image along with the following message:
"Memo to all elected officials and those who aspire to same: This country needs jobs. We checked and no one's Uterus is hiring. So get the hell out of our reproductive systems and do some actual WORK to put Americans back to WORK."
See, I think it should be about controlling the boobs aka idiots from saying and doing things that will set the entire world back about a hundred years and less about what goes on in my Va-Jay-Jay and the surrounding community of my own body.
For purposes of discussion, let's refer to all male politicians (and some idiot women who need to turn in their estrogen and take one for the team, I am talking to you Liz Trotta, just saying) as "Senators". Just because.
Do you see me evaluating a Senator (former, current or future) in terms of how his johnson functions? You do not.
Do you see me requiring that said Senator watch films on impotence, protected sex or HIV before he can get a prescription for Viagra or Cialis? You do not.
Do you see me requiring Senators to wear ice packs when they ride bikes so it doesn't impact their sperm count? You do not.
Do you hear me requiring that the Senators impanel a committee to discuss the general use and prohibition of any activity related to their beans and weiners? You do not. Blech.
Those kinds of invasions and violations of civil rights would be ridiculous.
Naturally, in order to avoid a rise in blood pressure that would blow one of my eyes out of its socket, I am going to try to make fun. Because Mel Brooks said that is the very best way to take down a villian - make him a joke.
Thus, my first BUMPER STICKER CONTEST!! The winner will get a gift certificate to Mystery Lovers Bookshop (because not every town has a Fredricks of Hollywood or a Condom Nation).
Here is my first proposal:
HEY! If you guys don't stop messing with our uteri,
you won't be welcome in the neighborhood.
I will be back with more, but first, it's your turn!
Okay, this one has been rolling around in my head all day:
STOP DICKING AROUND WITH MY UTERUS
NOW it's your turn...
Here is one for Tuesday:
Let's Talk About Birth Control. Right after Your Vasectomy.
And here is a paraphrase from a classic SNL Point/Counterpoint:
"Senator, if only birth control had been available when your mother got pregnant with you."
NO LAW SHOULD BE HYSTERICAL
Posted by: Nell | 02/20/2012 at 05:32 PM
Excellent entry from our resident Pharm expert - well done, Golden Girl!
Posted by: Kathy Reschini Sweeney | 02/20/2012 at 05:34 PM
Look me in the eye, not the uteri.
Posted by: Gaylin | 02/20/2012 at 05:37 PM
It's my vagina. Make your own laws for yours.
Posted by: ArkansasCyndi | 02/20/2012 at 05:42 PM
I'm having a stupid day for quips, perhaps it will improve after a nap.
what we need is another campaign against overpopulation like we did in the 70s. Gawd knows it's worse now and we have exceeded the Malthusian tipping point.
make it shameful to have more than two children.
Posted by: mary lynn | 02/20/2012 at 05:51 PM
Keep Your Small-Gummint Hands Out Of My Pants
(or we'll have to talk about your small-gummint penis)!
Posted by: Tom | 02/20/2012 at 06:00 PM
Look with your eyes and not with your hands.
Then a picture of a vagina.
Posted by: m | 02/20/2012 at 06:05 PM
There's a reason some men are called dick-heads, because that's what they think with.(Not a bumper sticker, but oh so true.)
"U.T.E.R.U.S. Look it up. It's a woman thing."
That...and anger...are all I got, Kath. Good luck to the winner. I'm in line for a bumper sticker :o)
Posted by: Maryann Mercer | 02/20/2012 at 06:08 PM
I've got a better place to stick that bottle of aspirin Friess...
IDK, I am still thinking...
Posted by: AlisonB | 02/20/2012 at 06:16 PM
From my late, sainted mother:
Those people should keep their noses out of other people's bodies!
. . . and glad your sense of humor and righteous wrath are both working well, Kathy!
Posted by: Storyteller Mary | 02/20/2012 at 06:31 PM
Say no to state rape!
Posted by: NancyP | 02/20/2012 at 06:33 PM
By which I was referring to the law in Virgin-ia that makes me angry enough to write a Kathy blog!
Posted by: NancyP | 02/20/2012 at 06:35 PM
I saw this one last week, on the back of a 45-foot trailer that I was drafting, "Are you following Jesus this closely?" I tried to get a photo, but I haven't figured out how to zoom my iPhone, and, plus, we were going 65 mph, and I was six feet from him.
I realize this is OT, but it's my bumper sticker story of the weekend, and I intend to own it.
Posted by: Josh | 02/20/2012 at 07:14 PM
Good idea Kathy I hope you get some good ones. Great blog. I'm so sick of the idiots who believe it's their way or the highway and sadly keep gathering enough followers to make it happen. I've watched Missouri turn from a "bellwether" state to a "bats in the belfry" state and it is scary.
Posted by: Diana in STL | 02/20/2012 at 07:23 PM
MY VA-JAY-JAY BELONGS TO ME ALONE! NO TRESSPASSERS ALLOWED!
Posted by: Diane Russom Harrison | 02/20/2012 at 07:37 PM
LEAVE MY VAGINA OUT OF YOUR POLITICS! TRESPASSERS WILL BE NEUTERED!
Posted by: Diane Russom Harrison | 02/20/2012 at 07:39 PM
What part of 'private parts' don't you understand?
Posted by: Cathy Smith | 02/20/2012 at 07:52 PM
Yeast infections are contagious.
Posted by: Pam aka SisterZip | 02/20/2012 at 08:01 PM
My body, my decision. Though honestly, I love some of the others ;)
Posted by: lil Gluckstern | 02/20/2012 at 08:10 PM
Take your own damn aspirin.
Posted by: NancyM | 02/20/2012 at 08:59 PM
You can stick a probe in my vagina when I can massage your prostate with a cattle prod.
Posted by: Doc In CA | 02/20/2012 at 09:33 PM
How is it that the goverment out of our buisness does not include the bedroom?
Start your smaller goverment with getting out of my sex life
Posted by: Alan P. | 02/20/2012 at 09:48 PM
Good blog, Kath. So true. And, that aspirin comment especially burned me. Is that supposed to apply to legally married women who wish to control the size of their families, too? Not that that matters, but, seriously, where the HELL did that comment come from? Santorum is absolutely terrifying...not that there is a sensible choice among that group...
Anyway, I don't have a bumper sticker...but, I really liked "no law should be hysterical" and "what part of 'private parts' don't you understand?" especially; though I appreciate all the submissions.
Posted by: Kathleen Oravec | 02/20/2012 at 10:03 PM
Deny a woman contraception --- Go fuck yourself (LOL)
Posted by: M. Passerrello | 02/20/2012 at 10:27 PM
My choice is between Doc & Alan. Made me really LOL.
Posted by: Pam aka SisterZip | 02/20/2012 at 10:57 PM