F the Auld Lang Syne: New Years Resos Mancini Style
Hi. It's Me, Margie. I totally feel like Bette Midler on the last Johnny Carson show. It was actually the penultimate show, just like this blog. (Penultimate is my word of the day - we are all helping our twin cousins Petey and Patty study for the SATs - God bless them, they don't have much Mancini blood in them plus those matching outfits in high school? Weird, just saying. Rocco can't even talk about it.)
It's New Year's Eve, and I already told the real true story about it and here is the link in case you don't remember:
This year, since it's our last blog here, mia famiglia decided we should all blog. That was our first mistake. Because everyone wanted in on the act, like this is the freaking Golden Globes or something, and more than one of them was hammer drunk when they wrote theirs, so don't say I didn't warn you. And I know there is usually some limit on how long these things are supposed to be, but everyone knows size doesn't matter and sometimes longer is better regardless. These are resolutions, Mancini Style.
From Cousin Rita:
Dear Writer Ladies, So, like, Margie says the blog thing is going kaput and it's not because of anything she did with the Steves in the closet or the time the Hazmat crew came that I'm not supposed to ever talk about with anyone, ever. I'd ask Officer Steve if that was true, but the last time I crossed her she reminded me about the thing that at the place with the whozit, and that is just another way of saying, shut up now if you ever want to borrow handcuffs that, like, really work.
But I will tell you all a secret I swore on a mountain of cannoli I'd never tell, even bigger than the Hazmat secret. Margie really likes you ladies. Like, a lot. I think she kept all the Steves around to amuse herself when you all were busy in your offices, but she could have taken the Steves to a whole bunch more comfortable places, so it had to be she liked it there. She was, like, really serious about doing a good job and showing up on time and toning down the neon eye makeup and dressing extra classy. Sometimes we'd be at a club and she'd be texting herself reminders about toner and to bring the good coffee because there was going to be a special visitor the next day. By "special visitor" I mean a writer person, not a "special visitor" like a hot guy home on leave. Sometimes she told funny stories about what you said or what you did. Okay, yeah, so a lot of times she talked about bringing the wood chipper to work, but that was just her way of expressing aggravation.
Me, though, I'm kind of mad at all of you, becuase now Margie will have all kinds of free time on her hands, and I will have to deal with her ALL THE TIME. So thanks for nothing, Writer Ladies. But, like, speaking of thanks, you all know I love my sailors, and I like to do my bit to keep them happy when they are in the home port. And, like, I'm real excited that all the troops will be coming home soon from that war. Some of them are not in such good shape, though. Some need new jobs. They need people to remember we were here all comfy and cozy while they were fighting in that hot ass place. So I think we should help out. That might mean writing some letters to politicians, which I like so hate to do because my talents lie elsewhere.
But if it helps to write a letter to some geezer in Congress or say thank you to the soldiers at the airport, or help them any way I can, let's all do that. It doesn't matter if they are Navy, Air Force, Army, or Coast Guard, they are all The Fleet to me.
Keep the peace and help The Fleet.
From Cousin Rocco:
I am just beside myself with grief here and need a trip to South Beach just to calm my nerves. Not that I didn't already have plans to be in the parade. Time is short, my flight is soon, and Her, Margie says if I don't do this fast, I will end up on the cutting room floor. As always, I think of you, my lovlies, so here are some going-away tips from me:
Your stockings should never be darker than the bottom edge of your skirt.
Knock off handbags are gauche and I can spot them a mile away. The fake is never beautiful.
No glove, no love.
Purple is still the new black.
When in doubt, ask yourself what Elizabeth Taylor would do (unless it's about marriage, then do the opposite).
There is no excuse for roots. If you cannot afford good color at a decent salon, go natural. When in doubt, if you've ever seen Linsay Lohan wearing that style of hair or anything else, do the opposite. That poor bunny is just gone. So sad; I blame the parents. But maybe that's me - my friend Dr. Shrink says my motto should be "If it's not one thing, it's your mother."
Never say goodbye. It ruins the makeup, you look like a racoon and there aren't enough cucumbers or tea bags in the world to fix those eyes.
In mixed company, never use the words cucumber and teabags in the same sentence unless you are making a grocery list. Let's remain ladies!
From Cousin Rosie:
My New Year’s Resolutions,by Cousin Rosie, who is new to this because we didn’t do this back at the convent.
1. Buy my herbs at the Italian Market, not from Margie’s visiting delivery-men friends. UPS Steve’s special oregano tastes great in Mama’s sauce, but honestly, I’m starting to think there’s something strange about it. The last time I made sauce, Nonna Sophia ate a whole tray of cannoli while she watched reruns of The Lawrence Welk show. Nothing good can come from that.
2. Stay away from Father Carm and all the nuns at the convent. I went back last week, just for a little visit, and honest to God, you would never think nuns could behave like that. I don’t know what Father Carm has been telling them all, but I heard one baby nun whisper to another baby nun that I killed Sister Marilyn. I really thought we had cleared up that nonsense a while ago, but I guess not. Probably she’s Father Carm’s new special nun. Whatever. Doesn’t matter to me because my last resolution is to…
3. Say “yes” to Anthony! Yes, TLC people, this is the official announcement! Last night Anthony asked me to marry him, and I told him I would give him an answer today because I needed to think about it overnight. Really I already knew that I was going to say yes, but after the thing with Father Carm, Margie and Rocco and Rita told me to always wait 24 hours before saying yes to anything with a man with a Roman Collar, so I did. My cousins are so smart! Love them!
Well, TLC people, that’s all from me. Hope you all have a happy and blessed New Year!
From Pauletta, Guido and Lucca
Guido: Yinz asking us about resolutionance is a timely but troublesome coincidence.
Lucca: Resolutionance is all very well in books and movies, like at the end of ‘Christmas With Carol’ when Mr. Scrooch gives back the money he made from the three-card-monte stand outside his office.
Guido: Real world, it’s different.
Lucca: So while we wish yinz all well, nothin’ but the best, what’s done is done.
Guido: So what if it was youses? Now it’s ours. No give-back.
Lucca: No resolutionance.
Pauletta: Whattahell yinz two idjits talkin’ about? I think you confused ‘resolution’ with ‘restitution.’ Restitution, that’s the word for giving back what you shouldna took.
Lucca: OK, then, you so smart, what’s a resolution?
Pauletta: You promise youself you either gonna do something that’s better, or you resolve you gonna stop doin’ somethin’ worser.
Guido: We can do dat. Not hard. In fact, easy.
Guido: Yeah. We resolve to not do no restitutionance.
Lucca: Oh. Yeah. ‘Cuz it never works out.
Guido: No, never. We just have to rob you again.
Pauletta: Gramma made me promise to watch outtfah yinz, or I’d be so gone to junior college . . .
And finally, from Me, Margie:
Forget the Auld Lang Syne crap. Nobody even knows what that means. What you really need to remember is that love can kick the hell out of hate. Plus, hate is easy and love is hard. Hopefully. Just saying.
Tell people you love them because you never know if it's the last time you will see them. They could get hit by a bus or by Lucca. It happens.
Remember the letter F: Family, Friends, Food, Fun and other F'y things. All good. You should do them all every day. But not at the same time. Or on camera.
Try everything once. Otherwise, you could be missing out on what turns out to be your favorite (there is another F word, too).
Find time for stories (do you see how I keep using the letter F? That's called sumbliminal massaging). You can tell stories or read stories or pass along stories or buy stories in books. Stories are made of words and words are important. Some people say there are really no 'bad' words. Maybe, but if you use certain words in front of me or my cousins, you are going to have a hard time sounding them out around all that wire. Be nice.
So I guess this is it. Thanks to all the Steves who helped us pack up and move everything from the, uh, storage area and into our new space, which is still under construction. It's going to be fan-fucking-tastic because now we don't have to hide everything except for in that one room with the serious security system. The Mancinis will be back!
Now say something nice and tell everyone your resolutions and don't drink and drive tonight.