You already know that Barbara O'Neal is joining us. In January (or February -- your blogwerker is a little vague on the details) Joshilyn Jackson is getting tarted up, too. More exciting stuff. Stay tuned.
The Universe has seen the light and put the Book Tarts In Charge.
We have a few changes that we're going to be making in the global and national situations beginning immediately. And as long as we are making these big changes, we going to slip in a few personal items on the total tally.
Mary Kathryn Rosina Reschini Sweeney is delighted to announce that she has been hand-picked to serve as Steward Queen of the Universe. "I really don't have time for this," she stated, "but as usual, things are a freaking mess and someone has to fix them. And I don't wear crowns. They give me a headache. You may, however, address me as 'Your Highness' and the next person to even think of a short joke is going to the dungeon."
As her first act as reigning Monarch, Ms. Sweeney plans to lower all the counters in all public areas so she can easily see what it going on back there. In addition, all little people will get to sit in the front rows so no big blockhead obstructs their view. Chocolate will now be required at all public meetings. In addition, she has already appointed royal guards to bring Dick Cheney in for a little game of Truth and Consequences. She has no further comment at this time.
No more applause, please, no more applause. I am thrilled and gratified to have been appointed Minister of Food and Fashion. In that role, I am so delighted to announce the demise of fashion aristocracy that deems certain things "in" and "out", therefore requiring you to buy new "things." I am also delighted to reveal some new and exciting developments in the world of food.
Fashion first. I hereby declare, as the Tart Minister of Fashion, that you can wear anything you want. Absolutely anything, and it will be considered fun and stylish and attractive. Skirt lengths, heel heights, you can choose, your call, its all about what makes you happy and comfortable. If you long for those Flashdance sweatshirts and leg warmers, no problem. If you liked the way shoulder pads made your waist look small, by all means, bring 'em out.
We at the ministry will also be happy to collect your unneeded and unused clothing and use it as an alternative fuel source: we understand platform shoes, ruched necklines, gaucho pants, micro-miniskirts, asymmetrical necklines and acrylic burn especially efficiently. But I reiterate, if you love you some platforms, by all means, rock them. It's all good.
Giving to unused clothing to charity is also good, and will get you Tart Points™.
Now, as for nutrition. The item formerly known as "calories" has now been deemed not to exist. In fact, we here at the ministry declare all food is going to be categorized as "good for you" or "not." You know what "good for you" means, tarts of the realm. So eat that. Yes, if Jamoca Almond Fudge seems "good"--then it is. Clearly is it not always "good." Use your best judgment, we trust you.
Finally, as all of us in tart-land know, there are certain tenets and practices we all embrace. Love each other. Be kind. Be generous. Buy books. Laugh and laugh again. If you are in Iraq or Afghanistan, we love you and want you to come home soon, and safely. And be of good cheer--you never know what wonderful thing is just around the corner.
Happy New Year!
Hi! It's Me, Margie. I guess you already know I am the unofficial goodwill ambassador for, well, lots of things. But especially the Book Tarts because they tend to be cranky when their deadlines approach (as if no one else has ever had a deadline before or since puh-leeze) and lucky for them I am a constant smiling face in this office or they would never get anything repaired or delivered on time. Just saying.
So they asked me to be a National Storyteller Lariat or something and I didn't even know you could talk about, you know, bondage, but I am working on some wonderful stories. What? Oh. It's Laureate. Never mind.
When I rule the world in 2011:
US companies that outsource jobs to foreign countries will be heavily penalized and the money will be used to create jobs in the United States or for unemployment compensation and job retraining. Companies that hire U.S. citizens would be rewarded with tax credits and bonuses.
The lenders who created the current mortgage crisis will be prosecuted as terrorists for their destruction of the American economy.
Politicians will be expected to practice what they preach. Those who vote against health care will be required to pay for their own health insurance. Those who vote in favor of wars will be required to send their own sons, daughters and grandchildren to fight in the war for which they voted. Those who cut spending to public schools will be required to send their own children and grandchildren to public schools.
Those who preach fiscal responsibility and practice it by denying help to the poor, the hungry and the schools will renounce all the perks and freebies that come with their jobs -- including free parking at Washington National Airport for members of Congress, free haircuts, subsidized meals at the House, Senate and Supreme Court cafeterias.
Elaine Viets will be elected National News Czar and reinstate the Fairness Doctrine.
Any media outlet will be required to present news stories which are honest, equitable and balanced. All reporters will be required to check facts uttered by politicians and lobbyists and refute those facts if they are not true. This applies to both liberal and conservative media.
Lobbying groups will once more be required to list the amount of their political donations and to whom they were given.
Sarah Palin will be banned from the air waves until she has declared herself as a candidate for public office.
The founder of WikiLeaks will be honored, along with Michael Moore and the soldier who gave the information. Using national security as an excuse for a cover up went out with Nixon. The press will also make a serious effort to discover whether Julian Assange is indeed guilty of rape and why a country which does little to prosecute its own crimes of rape went after him.
Airport security will be revamped and personnel redistributed to provide more effective protection. We will study the methods of countries with successful airline security, including Israel, keeping in mind that those countries may have much smaller borders than ours. We will also protect our ports, which are mostly wide open.
People who fly on private jets will be subject to the same security as those flying steerage.
Fox News will not run continuously at hospitals, doctors' offices, bars and other public places. People in public waiting rooms will be allow to vote on their choice of station and will have the option of turning off the television so they can use their iPod, iPad, or enjoy silence.
Both my Dead-end Job and Josie Marcus Mystery Shopper series will top the bestseller charts and be optioned. Maggie Gyllenhaal will fight Sandra Bullock to play Josie Marcus. Sandra would lose the fight. As consolation, Sandra will play Helen Hawthorne in the movie.
I will take more vacations and walks on the beach. When the end comes, no one ever wishes she'd spent more time at work.
Happy New Year,
And you? What honorific, epithet, rank, office, position will you take on to accomplish what goals in this next year?