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July 19, 2010

As Seen on TV

by Harley

When my son turned 8, his big sister wanted to buy him the Touch N Brush.

“The what?” I asked.

“Touch N Brush,” she said. “He wants it bad. He’s seen it on TV.”

Clearly, I don’t watch enough TV, so I investigated online. And a whole world opened up to me. 

The Touch N Brush is the “Hands Free Mess Free [and comma-free, hyphen-free] Toothpaste Dispenser” from a species of products called “As Seen on TV.” A reassuring name; if you see it on TV it must be true.

It takes discernment to distinguish “As Seen on TV” junk oops! products from regular stuff but with a bit of practice (just minutes a day!) you too will see the difference. Here’s how:

Clue #1: An extra-catchy and descriptive name. Examples: Bark Off, the Chia-obama   Mighty Mendit, No No Hair, Egg Genie, Big Top Cupcake, Blo & Go, Kangaroo Keeper, Topsy Turvy Tomato Tree, Potty Patch, AlphaCalm, Relaxium, and the Chia Obama.

Clue #2: A commercial that looks like your brother-in-law produced it, using hapless family members in lieu of actors.

Clue #3: An semi-hysterical announcer warning that this amazing offer won’t last, but that if you act now, they’ll throw in ANOTHER _____, for just the cost of shipping! That’s right! A second _____ is yours, just for the cost of shipping!

Clue #4: The product thwarts a danger you may not have realized existed.

Alligetter1For instance, the Alligetter. “The Alligetter is the premier grabber tool on the market. It is a grabber and a light all in one. Use the Alligetter to quickly and easily retrieve your precious jewelry and other objects you accidentally dropped inside your garbage disposal.” See what I mean? Worry no more about precious jewels inhabiting the garbage disposal.

Or consider the I Know Key: These days to keep your family protected you need to know what they’re doing on-line. That is why you need the I Know Key. This easy to use, USB key allows you to find out what your kids, your spouse, or your employees are doing on any of their computers.”

UnknownOnce you’ve discovered your husband’s XXX-rated sites, you can give those porn stars a run for their money with Bare Lifts, which “instantly give your breasts a lift for a natural perky look” or the Cleavage Clip, which needs no explanation.

Breasts perked up, let’s move to the tummy. Abdominal machines are a whole subcategory, where all advertising, by law, must contain the adjective “rock hard.” There’s the Ab-Doer (with abdobics), Ab Coaster, Ab Flyer, Ab Roller, Ab Rocket, Ab Lounge, Crunchless Abs, Hip Hop Abs, Six Second Abs, Ab Circle Pro.

I own 3 ab products. None work. But no problem, because I can hide Snuggie1   under a Snuggie. “Blankets are okay but they can slip and slide, plus your hands are trapped inside.” Okay, danger (blanket-trapped hands) averted. But is it sexy? “Many people have been asking for a more stylish Snuggie and now you have it with the new Snuggie Designer series.” And of course, there's a Snuggie for Dogs.

Touch-n-brush-  Shockingly, the Touch N Brush (yes, we bought it) did not fulfill its promise. In fact, I have renamed it the Touch N Accumulate Disgusting Toothpaste Discharge in Plastic Dispenser, Requiring Blow Torch to Dislodge.

 But I’m pinning my hopes on the Life Alert. You know, the “Help! I’ve fallen and I can’t get up!” emergency wristwatch, where the alert-yet-immobilized customer can summon an earnest and sexy-voiced dispatcher who’ll talk her through the crisis until help arrives. Now, life and death scenarios are fine, but what I really want is the Emotional Life Alert: “Help! I’m yelling at my kids and I Senior_falls   can’t shut up!” or “Help! I’m having plot problems and my novel is stalled on page 125!” or “Help! I woke up this morning looking exactly like my mother!”

How about you? Operators are standing by.

~Harley

 

 

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Comments

Thanks for the laughs! We were just talking about the old Ron Popeil classics, including the Pocket Fisherman!

Well, this weekend, I watched "Amazon Women on the Moon" with my son ("Kentucky Fried Movie," last weekend), and so this post hits close to home.

In better financial circumstances, I might have bought the records of the "Black Man Without Soul." I would not buy the shag rug hair replacement product that they staple to your head.

(Watched "Carrie," too, him for the first time. Comforted him to see a home situation more dysfunctional than his own.)

My family has an unhealthy obsession with these commercials/products. We went through a very disturbing, "ShamWow" phase which I don't want to talk about. We also owned a "Rocket Fisherman" pole which self-destructed within about 30 seconds. Several Snuggies are lurking around our house (they went into hiding once the outside temperatures rose above 40 degrees).

My very favorite commercial for a product I didn't buy would have to be for the "Freedom Tray." Google it. Says pretty much everything you need to know about what's wrong with America.

I actually bought an Egg Wave! once for my son who begged for it. It! Could! Make! Scrambled! Eggs! In! The! Microwave!

Whatever.

Surprise, surprise it was cheap and plastic and after he and his brother used it once it was relegated to the back of the pantry.

I do like your Emotional Life Alert idea -- I could use one tied to my Abs. You know, Help! I can't drag my big ass off the sofa to go to the gym.

This is sort of off topic but the Emotional Life Alert comment made me wonder. Don't you think the Butterball Hot-line people get calls about holiday problems that have nothing to do with cooking the turkey?

Oh dear. I think I have to go write a short story now.

Whenever I'm on a tight deadline, I get this urge to clean house. That's when I look longingly at household gadgets that will help me dust and reach those hard-to-clean places. Fortunately, I get the book finished before I buy anything.

You ask - is the Snuggie sexy? I take it you have not yet seen the Snuggie Sutra? http://thesnuggiesutra.com/

Unless your workplace is extremely prudish, it's SFW since everything is covered by snuggies (plus they use the international icons for ladies room and mens room to illustrate positions, so no actual body parts).

My mom used to send me TV stuff. That hand-held steamer doesn't get out wrinkles (maybe it will if you have enough patience). Forget the Salad Shooter. And right now, hubster has 2 upside-down tomato plant grower thingies that aren't doing well at all. But to be fair, we just moved to a totally different environment, and he has to learn about the local weather patterns.

I love your Life Alert gizmo so much. Must have.

The only thing I ever bought off the tv was a vacuum cleaner which, strangely, didn't work as they claimed it would. Shock! I was lured by the spectacle of all that dirt whirling around in the transparent canister. I think the truth is that a certain amount of dirt came with the vacuum. Then it whirled around whenever I turned it on, leaving MY dirt still on the carpets. Ha!

Yeah! I asked for some kind of rechargeable electric broom thingie for Christmas one year. The choreography alone in the commercial sold me AND it was like sucking up marbles! The answer to my dog hair dilemma!
I dashed home and tried it on the Christmas tree needles. There are things in this world that never leave. Plastic Easter grass...bird seed...and Christmas tree needles. All this "broom" did was push them up in a pile. It didn't pick up but like ten.
I guess you need a kitchen full of marbles and handsome young dancers leaping about to really appreciate this wonder invention.

The queen loves "as seen on TV!" The salad shooter shot three salads in one day and is now in the basement next to the pan that will bake white bread into little cups. Ginzu knives (I do love the pitch at carnivals) are for RIGHT HANDERS ONLY. They are only sharpened on one side. I do most of the cooking and am left handed. It is in the back of a drawer. The girls snuggies were used for a week and are now in the basement. Handmade quilts by grandma are better, even if they don't have sleeves. The microwave pasta cooker takes longer than a pot on the stove. That I snuck to the trash.

Now the ball shaped cake pan has baked several birthday cakes. It's fun.

Oh, the relief of knowing I am not alone.

Yes, I have tried the Salad Shooter.

Yes, Ramona, it's a short story and when you write it, I must read it.

And my son is begging for the upside down tomatoes, but I can now tell him that it simply doesn't work as advertised, and show him Terry's comment. He takes Product Reviews very seriously. His twin sister was given a Bump It by a family friend, and it actually works, but an 8-year old missing her 3 front teeth wearing a Bump It -- let's just say it's a look not everyone can pull off. I have been blessed with entertaining kids.

And as my 10-year old says, "That Snuggie's just a blanket with arms." Thank God there's a cynic in the family.

I want to read Ramona's short story!

I can now die happy. I have seen the Snuggie Sutra.

I want to read Ramona's story too :o) Chuck is the gadgeteer in the family, not I, thank the gods. Therefore it is his money that goes down the proverbial drain, not mine. Those little egg thingies (they look like eggs, sit in a little holder and are guaranteed to scramble or poach etc with no clean-up require Brillo to get the egg remains out of the cup)are sitting next to the bottle of rum (which gets more use) in a cabinet. Those pastry roller things (ice cubes keep your pastry cold) do not work for me...even the good ones, And topsy-turvy? No way. I wouldn't mind a Life Alert in my declining years (by which time there will probably be a micro chip in one of my replaced knees...as soon as the knee hits the floor, an alarm sounds simultaneously at the CFD, the EMT, my doctor's and Medicare. One must remember to fall forward though)but it should come in colors to match my polyester leisure attire :o)
As Seen On TV? I'm always curious, but the Sham-Wow guy's voice grates on my nerves, the little woman who sells that Chef Express needs to follow a better eating plan, and I remember Ron Popeil's hair 'replacement' spray in a can all too well to take most of these things seriously.
PS. I do have a snuggie...still in the box. Not recommended for menopausal or otherwise heat sensitive individuals. It's a fleece sauna!

Wow, saved by my viewing habits: it is a rare day when I turn the television on before 7 or 8 in the evening, even weekends . . . so I missed the whole Sham-Wow thing, leaving me feeling a wee bit like I did when the in-crowd at school all knew which lines to laugh at and why, and I didn't. But, no mind, my self-esteem can take it. I hope.
Sadly, I've forgotten the name of the little catalog that used to arrive in the mail and tempt my young self to yearn for and save allowance for about a million gadgets, beauty products, trinkets. My grandmother fiercely insisted it was all junk, and usually caught me before I could take action. But, on the few occasions that I slipped through her defenses and ordered products, I discovered, to my sad disappointment, she was RIGHT. Deep sigh.

Since senior citizens are living longer today due to vitamin supplements, exercise and pampering they are victims of the new age craze products.
If you watch the commercials you will see a gentlemen with beautiful abs claiming that he is seventy years old with a body of a forty year old.
As I look around my neighborhood this seventy year old is looking pretty good.
A face cream that will make you FIVE years younger could be a whole new aspiration for an eighty-five year old..she could look eighty.
Somehow seniors are not allowed in the kitchen using ceramic paring knives or grilling.
An all in one cooker saves people from pesky overstock of various microwaves, grills, steamers,
woks, and the pesky, heavy Creuset cookware.
The lady who claims that Life Alert is for old people has probably convinced herself that after using the miracle face cream that will be young for at least five more years.
Falling and not getting up is hazardous to your health. Poor Zsa Zsa Gabor is facing hip replacement surgery this week after falling out of bed.
All I can surmise is that your bed could be a hazard to your health unless it's a super duper Posturepedic or a Sleep Number bed where you can dial in your comfort zone and hopefully not make it ski slide environment. You must always sleep with your Life Alert system..just saying..

Yes, Marie and if I'd had the good judgment to get myself a Sleep Number bed, it's obvious I'd still be married. Those things save marriages. I heard it on TV.

I too missed the ShamWow craze but I caught up this weekend. Did you know that Mr. ShamWow, he of the grating voice, was arrested for beating up a prostitute? In his defense, she allegedly bit his tongue and wouldn't let go. He looked pretty beat up too. This is not something I learned on TV; I had to Google it. I'm with you, Maryann. Perpetually out of the loop. That's what this blog is for.

My Dad slept in his recliner his last few years & would watch the 'middle of the night' infomercials. Some where in the garage I still have a Kitchen Magician, cake decorating set, some kind of ravioli/turnover molds, Miracle Thaw, & a chopper thingie. (I gave him a Chef's catalog & told him to buy what he wanted from there, instead of the plastic ripoffs!)
Dwain bought ONE thing from TV. A Roto zip-saw that he paid $269 for. 2 weeks after we got it, I saw the same type saw at Sears for $79!! Oh, plus when you order over the phone they sign you up for their 'buyer's club', $90 !!! (I had to threaten to call the states attorney's office before they refunded that! grrr)
Dwain could not even get a screw in straight, so when I asked him WHY did you even want that? He said he thought I could use it to cut my own quilting templates from plexiglass. I marked the template shapes on the plexiglass & told him to cut them for me, he found out it looks so much easier on tv! LOL
After that, all I had to say was, "BUT WAIT! IF YOU ORDER IN THE NEXT 10 MINUTES......." and he would go back to his room.

Those snuggies are the thinnest, worst blankets ever.

The tomato topsy-turvy never mentions that you need to hang them from something that's can hold a man's weight and that's at least 6 feet off the ground.

And the ped-egg or whatever it's called feels like you are taking a cheese grater to your feet. All 3 are absolutely horrible!

I was duped into buying Blu-Blocker sunglasses that fit over my regular glasses.
Everything looked hideously orange..good for target shooters I suppose.
Cookware from QVC is being used and now with all the choices I am thinking of going out to eat until I decide. Obviously, watching way too much TV.

And Harley, in a macabre sort of observation I wonder if police are given trial packages of ShamWOW towels for crime scenes?

Marie, I believe there are cleaning services that specialize in crime scenes. Was there a novel based on this? Or a film? Or did I imagine it? Anyhow, I haven't used the ShamWow, because I bought one of those packages of yellow microfiber towels from Costco and it will last me the rest of my life and be passed on to my children and their children. It's like a clown car. I can never reach the end of the microfiber towels.

Oh, THANK YOU Cathy for the snuggie sutra!! And Harley for this great post... order before midnight and you'll ALSO get...

I remember the guy who used to sell a package of classical music records on East Coast TV when I was visiting my grandparents as a little kid during the summers. He was always saying "SHAWLY you'll remember THIS one" before having the record player launch into a snippet of The Moonlight Sonata (apparently AKA "Full Moon and Empty Arms.")

There was a film, Harley. I think Samuel L. Jackson was in it.

The value of Netflix and IMdB:

"The Cleaner," 2007. Samuel L. Jackson, star.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0896798/

Harley, I saw the movie Sunshine Cleaning with Amy Adams and Emily Blunt.
It was a bizarre look into crime scene cleanups.
Amy Adams is such a versatile actress.

I want a topsy tail.

My daughter and her husband bought me Topsy tail tomato plant last year. They secretly had started their quest for tomatoes and we had a contest.
Three tomatoes total between both families had us frustrated and just a little disappointed.
We did have a tomato bonding experience, however.

OOPS! should have said Topsy Turvy?

All the positive reinforcement for my short story comment has given me writer's block. Just saying. But how can it be that, with 29 comments, I'm the first to ask...

Blo & Go?

I have never bought any of that sort of crap, because A: most of it fills a need that really does not exist (what, you can't crack a friggin' egg/brush your hair/squeeze a toothpaste tube/wear a robe instead of a Snuggie?) B: most of it is cheap, easily broken junk that doesn't work right C: They seriously screw you with the non-refundable shipping & handling charges.

However, I will, as a man, admit that I'd like to know exactly what the "Blo & Go" does.

Many moons ago when I was teenager I ordered something (what???) from a magazine, they cashed the cheque and never sent the product. I haven't ordered anything again.

I do remember we had a plastic food mandolin in the house when I was a kid, probably ordered from a magazine (before the days of As Seen on TV). It worked great until its little legs broke off.

But WAIT...there's MORE!!! If you can't get your As Seen on TV fix on TV, you can come to the Annapolis Westfield Mall where, lucky you, you can stroll slowly through and lovingly peruse the items in that fascinating store called...AS SEEN ON TV. That's right! We lucky Annapolitans can see all of these wonderful, useful, long-lasting products up close and personal.

And Hank, you want a topsy tail? Most women want buns of steel... LOL

Whenever I watch home shopping channels I always fall prey to the pitchman's claim that the product for sale is customer top rated.
After I get the item home I wonder if the customers were in a shopping crazed coma when the they rated the product..because I have fallen again to the pitch and I can't get up until I send the item back.

I remember the Lillian Vernon shopping catalogue when I was a kid. Lots and lots of good stuff.
One Craft catalogue that came to my house once threatned me with fact that if I did not purchase an item from their list of many items they would not send me another free issue. Alas no further issues came to my home.

There's more than one As Seen on TV store, sadly. But at least when you buy stuff there you don't have to pay shipping and handling charges.

The one and only thing I've ever bought on the say-so of a TV pitchman that lived up to his claim was OxyClean. That stuff is as miraculous as Advil. Soaking linen tablecloths after the inevitable drenching in red wine? Easy, the wine is gone, completely. OxyClean has saved my bacon more than once.

My mother gets those upside-down tomatoes every year, and she's had great luck with them.

Harley, I would pay money to see your eight-year old with her Bump-It. Or, really, any eight-year old missing front teeth. That has to be hilarious. Hope you took future blackmail photos.

The one product you missed is that crazy upper-arm "exercise" thing called Shake Weight. Seriously, I think some guy invented it just to mess with us.

The catalog that has the most "As seen on TV" products is Miles Kimball, which has been around since I was in high school, I think. And even though I have not ordered from that company in 20 years they still sent me catalogs for years. Until I signed up with Catalog Choice and specifically requested that they stop.

I have a friend who never has any money for medicine, kitty litter, or fixing things at the house, but she gets crap from HSN, Publisher's Clearing house & Walter Drake 2 or 3 times a week!
Drives me nuts!!

Buns o' Steel, Topsy Tail? LOL.

Some friends have one of those upside-down tomato plant thingies in their newly-established garden. It is, due to their great care, perfectly positioned on a sturdy holder under a tree with just the right amount of sun, water, fertilizer, and the tomato plant looks healthy and happy, apparently bearing fruit if it has continued since I saw it a few weeks ago. But, I'm guessing nine times out of ten that wouldn't be the case, so Harley, you don't have to change the review for your boy's hearing.

Lilian Vernon--that was it! I'm amazed there isn't a Lilian Vernon hour somewhere out in the reaches of the cable/satellite universe . . . imagine the nightmare of an OCD hoarding image that the set would have to be, to accurately reflect the catalog! LOL

Sunshine Cleaners too--another film about crime scene clean up is available. Emily Blunt was in it along with that perky red-headed actress...?
I recently went to my mother's beautician, a dear friend who cut my hair and began styling it in a retro '70s do similar to what my mom wore, terrifying me. I held up my hand and screeched "No!". Just say no! Still, it's so tempting to buy something like the Chia Obama? What a conversation starter!

What truly is frightening is women of a certain age (me?) maybe sporting hair extensions from Jessica Simpson or others.
I say it's time to give it up when your grandchildren don't want to be seen with you and the dog hides in the corner until his real owner reappears.

Lilian Vernon! I love "her." Those were the dimestores of catalogs. You could almost hear the wood floors creak as you turned the pages.

Lillian Vernon is much more "upscale" than they used to be. www.lillianvernon.com Probably a lot of the same stuff, but mu slicker catalog.

Walter Drake is more of the dimestore look.

Pam, oh noes, they've upscaled Lillian??
Thanks for the Drake tip. I'll check him out. (We have an actual real, wooden-floored dime store here in K.C. Lucky, eh?)

Nancy, I live near a Lillian Vernon outlet store. It's the cutest thing.

Also, there's a QVC outlet store in my town and an hour or so away is the QVC Studios, where guided tours are available. And, no, I have never take one but suddenly, I want to.

lol, Ramona. If we were all there, we could all go on the tour and giggle our way through it.

A Lillian Vernon outlet store is the very definition of adorable. I didn't know there was such a thing.

Harley, Google crime scene clean-up and your city.

http://www.stltraumaservices.com/stl-trauma-services

There was a news story (it may have even been an Elaine article). The owner drives a Mercedes that was a customers. Seemed the owner didn't want it any more after being raped in it, even after it was cleaned.

Of course I hit post then thought of it. The trauma cleaner that commits murders to drum up business.

Nancy--Lillian Vernon! I am HOOKED. Also that other catalog that has..oh, it's called Home Trends. All kinds of stuff you didn't know you need.

Ah, I've escaped the "seen on TV," but I do remember those catalogs, and a few impulse purchases at the Minnesota State Fair. . .

How about the SKY MALL catalogs slipped into seat pockets on planes? I never knew there were so many practical and obvious solutions to problems I didn't know existed. That catalog is like a rich man's Lillian Vernon. Cool gadgets that aren't cheap. They even have luxury items for your pets!

And now you don't even need to fly to get your SKY MALL items:

http://www.skymall.com/shopping/dept.htm?c=10500&pnr=W22&siteID=8hJTXlwH.xk-u0z5qnmlEFyVtgH2sSgLGw

Today the featured product is a wireless outdoor speaker. Get yours now, before they run out...

Sky Mall! I'm always boggled by the idea that people must actually order from it, or else it wouldn't still exist. Why, lord, why?

Hurries to order her wireless outdoor speakers. Isn't that what a politician-at-a-county-fair is?

Nancy, I guess that's better then "mindless outdoor speakers."

I got Brookstone catalogs for awhile. Totally upscale crap LOL. People really spend $30 for a plastic suction tube to suck bugs off their wall & harmlessly release them outside?
If that bug is in my house, it's ass is mine! Regular vac works great & then bug spray the bag. Or swat it with a newspaper.
Does Lillian Vernon still have the door mat that says 'GO AWAY!'? A friend just got rid of some house guests and is looking for one!

I Googled "door ma"t and the first hit was "go away" ones on Amazon. Also one that reverses to welcome, for selective messaging . . .
I just bought a coconut fiber doormat at T.J.Max for $10. Two years in the house, I thought it was time to get one (really wanted the fishing line ones from Gaiam, but $50 + shipping . . . )

Rita, I remember the GO AWAY mat.

Rita, I remember the GO AWAY welcome mat..may have owned that.


Becky, lol! Mindless outdoor speakers are the worst.

My mother gave us some outdoor speakers for a Xmas gift a few years ago. We have used them, most notably for spooky effects by the front door at a Halloween party. But they came from Macy's, if I remember correctly.

SkyMall catalogs have various vendors, and one of the vendors used to be Lillian Vernon. Haven't looked at one recently.

Blo and Go? Seriously? I am so glad to be back from vacation.

Remember Steve Goodman's "Vegematic"? It's a song about a guy who fell asleep with the TV on and orders everything from the commercials. Here's a link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HnqtGjHJjs8

Oh! Remember K-Tel records? Oh, man.

We bought something from the As Seen on TV section at Farm & Fleet. It was some grinder, sander, saw thingy, and it actually worked! I can't remember what it was called, unfortunately.

Ramona, Lillian Vernon used to have an outlet at the outlet center a mile from my home that has now been re-purposed into a call center. Try as I might, I couldn't find anything worth even the deep discounts.

The QVC stores that are around this area have returns and things they couldn't sell. I wouldn't go to the QVC studio tour, even though the studio is on one of my commuting routes, because, unlike the Herr's Potato Chip Factory Tour (free! free snacks at the end!), QVC apparently charges for its tour.

Oh, Karen, Karen -- I secretly yearn for the Shake Weight.

I love that this conversation went back and forth between Lillian Vernon and Crime Scene Cleanup in alternating comments.

And I couldn't ride in a car, let alone drive one, where a rape had occurred. Not unless a Car Exorcist came in and spiritually cleansed it. Do you suppose there is such a thing?

Ditto for the Shake Weight.

Not even a Car Exorcists would do that sufficiently.

haha this is a classic! Believe it or not though, I've discovered quite a few as seen on tv products to actually work. The Swivel Sweeper (G2, not the G1) actually works as it should and is real handy to have around. I've heard a good thing or two about Bare Lifts too, surprisingly! lol. :)

Like the island of misfit toys, we have an outlet mall that sells items that were only sold on television. I keep looking for the Dean Martin DVD, it is probably only available on VHS.

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