Empathy

Empathy

by Nancy

I've been thinking a lot about the word "empathy" since President Obama used it--only at first--when describing his ideal candidate for the Supreme Court.  He said (and I'm paraphrasing here) that hoped to find a person who--in addition to all the other skills required for the job--had some empathy for his fellow man.

Apparently, the president's political opponents found this word objectionable, because they kicked up a fuss, and in subsequent discussions of Supreme Court nominees, the word didn't come up again.

Empathy is "the sympathetic understanding of another person."

OKay, I get it that a Supreme Court justice ought to primarily be a scholar of the law, but is the quality of empthy so bad?

In fact, I'm starting to think the lack of empathy is what's wrong with our country right now.  The Wall Street guy who's making hundreds of millions of dollars in bonus money--does he care who pays the price for his windfall? The Tea Party shouter who complains about high taxes--does that person realize who suffers when federal services are cut back? Is there no sympathy anymore for the person who's truly needy? No urge to help?

In all those "reality" shows like Survivor and The Real Housewives of Wherever (I'm trying to click away when that show comes on, honest, or I feel my brain rotting) I think it's the self-serving quality in the contestants that makes them so compulsively watchable. But also reprehensible. Perhaps the show Sober House (where celebrities move in together to try to "get clean") is the ultimate display of me-me-and-only-me. Drug addicts seem to care for nobody and nothing but themselves. Is that the drugs at work?  Or did those addicts never have an understanding of others to begin with?

In real life, when it is acceptable to care only about yourself?

And when did we start celebrating that quality in each other?

As a fiction writer, of course, it's my job to see everybody's point of view and to show that on the page, so maybe I'm hyper-aware of how people do or don't put their egos on full display.

At the risk of taking this too far and really pissing off my audience, let's take the abortion issue for a second.  Yes, I know it's an appalling act.  I can't imagine aborting a child myself.  But I have the resources to raise a child if I accidentally (okay, miraculously at my age!) became pregnant.  I can understand how a young woman with no family support, no money, no education, no ability to reach out for help, might find herself contemplating such an awful choice. I can put myself in her shoes.

As a writer, I can even put myself in the shoes of a murderer--I do it regularly--so maybe I'm more attuned than your average Tea Party shouter.  Or maybe I'm just more imaginative?

In the last couple of weeks here in my city, we had two incidents of children showing up in elementary schools with large quantities of illegal drugs in their backpacks.  One 8 year-old was in possession of 78 stamp bags of heroin. He had passed out 18 of them to friends when the teacher noticed and stopped it.  Mom was arrested two days later. In another case, a kid's father called the local elementary school--twice--to ask if he could get his kid's backpack right away.  When school officials became suspicious, they discovered a large quantity of weed in the bag.  They called police, and Dad was arrested when he came to retrieve his dope-. He was astonished to see the cops.  He was only getting his own property! Sure, it's hilarious.  But was Dad thinking of anyone but himself?  Even of his own child? Other children? Nope.

Isn't it the highest form of evolution to rein in your id and care for others?

Anyway, I'm thinking empathy is a quality we ought to be nurturing these days.  There seems to be a sad lack of it.

Comments

[ArkansasCyndi]

interesting discussion, Nancy. Remember the movie Wall Street...Greed is good? That movie (IMHO) came out during a time in our history when the focus was changing from what is good for many to what is good for me. Yes, everyone has to be concerned for his own self interests but somewhere along the way, self interests became paramount to everything else.

Does TV reflect our world, or is our world being influenced by what is seen on TV?

[Ramona]

Explain to me how empathy would be a negative quality in any position of authority.

Do we want our judges and justices, and cops and lawyers and all other keepers of law and peace, to be robots?

Sheesh.

[William]

Looking out for # 1.

Winning Through Intimidation.

Your Erroneous Zones.

Three 'self-help' books from the 1970's that taught going through life using manipulation, threats, and intimidation to get what you want will give you a better life. If I win, great. If I win and hose you, even better.

"If you're not the Lead Dog, the view never changes." Yeah, well, everyone is Lead Dog these days. Everyone is Special, nay, Superior.

Me? I have a tendency to yawn a lot when dealing with these types....

[nancy martin]

Cyndi---There's a terrific article in Vanity Fair (Michael Douglas on the cover) about the Wall STreet movie and how everyone connected with it---Oliver Stone & Michael Douglas in particular--were stunned that Wall Streeters took the "greed is good" message to heart. I think they were still thinking like hippies from the 60s--that everyone would be blissed out and take the movie as a parable, but the national tide had turned and people embraced greed with enthusiasm.

[Ramona]

Do you all know that a sequel to Wall Street will be out soon?

Wall Street: Money Never Sleeps is the title. Opens in September.

[Amy]

I think empathy is more present than it appears. But empathy is easily trod upon.

As for drug addicts caring only about themselves, I have to disagree. They don't care about themselves. They care only about their next fix. The addiction controls every thought and action, and hats off to anyone who's successfully dealing with it.

[Harley]

My God, I think empathy is the whole enchilada. Is there a higher spiritual value? It's the thing that makes compassion possible, and isn't that what Jesus, just to name one, was all about? It's hardly a wimpy quality. Good grief. Yes, let's just have a Supreme Court full of sociopaths instead.

As for the "reality" shows, I'm convinced that the only person who matters on them is the editor. Take a bunch of raw footage, find the stuff that shows the people in their most horrible, selfish, Me Only moments, and that's what gets on the air. Of course, it helps to cast the most Me Only contestants in the first place. And to encourage the competitive element.

[marie]

To me empathy might be a trait that is ingrained from birth.
Temperament sets the pace for everything.
A family unit where people actually talk to each other and a home that offers a safe haven can do much to foster a sense of security.
Sitting in the living room hashing out memories, grinding out the gossip of the day in your own life instead of a celebrity is probably missing.
Children in the same family chose their own paths.
Some siblings are given the role to bale out others.
Greed exists because goods are easier to come by.
I have learned from previous blogs including examples by William and others that people make their own choices.
Being mindful of others can be fostered but the initial values have to exist.
Reality shows are devious entertainment and Harley is right...it is all about the editing and in some cases is about how much humiliation the participants can endure.

[Barbara]

I can't imagine finding anyone who is opposed to empathy in general. But what if all the judges felt such empathy for the victims that they made sure any defendant arrested for any crime was convicted and sentenced to the longest possible term? That would violate the rights of criminal defendants, some of whom are actually innocent or should get a more creative sentence.

[Pam aka SisterZip]

Empathy is a wonderful thing. And I agree that everyone working in government needs to have a certain amount of it. But it can be a dangerous thing if that is the only criteria used to judge something.

The Supreme Court is there to judge the legality of our laws. They are to decide how the Constitution is interpreted as it applies to any law that is passed. They get to decide what is 'cruel and unusual' punishment, not this guy gets it because he is alone with no family and that other guy doesn't because he has kids and a sick mother. Yes, I have empathy for those kids, but he still did the crime.

I do what I can to help people. But I guess the fear is the empathy can be turned around and people get used.

[Kathy Sweeney]

I detest those reality TV shows - I'm even getting fed up with Dancing With the Stars because there seem to be way too many tantrums per capita this season.

As for empathy - I know judges who struggle to maintain it and judges who fight keep it in check. It's a human quality.

As for the people who didn't like Obama using empathy as a requirement for The Supremes, aren't they the same people who would find a way to object if he said "breathing" was a pre-requisite?

[William]

Reality shows?

A recent browsing of Saturday afternoon TV led me to a show called "Love Stings", all about a female PI and her three daughters who set up 'stings' to catch guys cheating or wanting to cheat on their wives, girlfriends, etc.

Ashamed as I am to admit it, after the first five minutes, I spent the entire afternoon watching this crap. I told a friend about it, who was horrified I'd watch anything like it, and all I could say was, "I felt like DiNozzo when he saw Gibbs's ex-wife, former girlfriend, and current girlfriend talking in the lobby of NCIS. 'It's like a Train Wreck.... you want to look away, but you can't.' " I was mesmerized by the sheer lunacy of it, the absolute and total lack of professionalism, manners, or ethics, and the outrageous pontification from a former 'exotic dancer' now heading all this up.

I feel that I have genuinely reached a point in life where nothing surprises me anymore, except what people do to each other....

[azcat]

I agree that empathy on a personal level is important. I need to see that there is a world beyond me and that what's good for me is not what's good for everyone and, to quote Mr. Spock "The needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few....or the one".

On the other hand, I believe it is the job of our JUDGES to act with objectivity--it's their job to cut through the personal stories and get to what is REALLY the good of the many.

Often, these days, it seems that our courts are only on the lookout for what's good for an individual, rather than the good of a larger group. For example, as a public school teacher, I see MANY times how one student is allowed to disrupt an entire classroom because he is a child with special needs who has an IEP. I would NEVER want to go back to the days when all children with learning or physical disabilities were warehoused or removed from the general classroom. But some children NEED to be removed no matter WHAT their parents want for them. We are NOT helping the individual child learn to cope with the expectations and restrictions of the "real world" and we are cheating the majority of the children out of their educations.

So, do I want people to have empathy for others--absolutely. Do I want my judges appointed because they have empathy? No way, they need to be appointed on the basis of their intellect and their OBJECTIVITY.

Lastly, for me, it's not an Anti-Obama sentiment. My opinion would be the same if we had a Republican president who said he wanted to base his selection on empathy (or selfishness, for that matter).

[Tom]

Don't ignore the rest of the message, AZCAT. " . . . *in addition to all the other skills required for the job*--had some empathy for his fellow man."

In other words, he wants the best and most brilliant legal minds to still be aware of their humanity, and the human frailty of the rest of us, in addition to The Law. Moderation. Balance. A judicious judiciary.

Amy's got a good part of it, too. Cornelia Read wrote an amazing few lines about addiction in FIELD OF DARKNESS. A paraphrase: "First comes the pain, the pain you can't turn off. Then comes the discovery of a thing that DOES turn off the pain, for a while. And then you need more."

[Laraine]

100% with you on this, Nancy! I think you've hit a very critical issue right on the point. Some of the 'cut all taxes' folks that I know personally are, I'm convinced, some sort of autistic, as they seem like totally uncaring automotons, and are unable to experience my choices or those of others as anything except theoretical categories--very cut off from feeling or personal impact.

[Holly Gault]

I need a little clarification of the difference between empathy and compassion. Who better to ask than our word people?

I THINK that the difference is that compassion is a step removed from empathy, which is sharing the feelings of another. If I understand that correctly, I would prefer that a justice show her compassion and concern more than I want her to empathize with the defendant.

If I have the definitions wrong, I'm willing to change my mind. Maybe.

[bea]

For whom is the Supreme Court justice (or any judge) to have empathy? The legal system is adversarial, and with good reason. Neither side is inherently better than the other, and a judge/justice should not be employing idiosyncratical concepts of empathy to make determinations. Also, for anyone who thinks that a judge has to display empathy, consider for a moment how that would play out if the judge happened to display empathy for a child molester, a rapist, or a serial murderer. On the civil side, imagine that the judge in the just-filed Goldman Sachs SEC case determines that the investment decisions of Goldman Sachs were quite reasonable and appropriate if viewed through the lens of empathy.

No one is criticising the importance of empathy, nor is anyone suggesting that what the world needs is less of it. Nurturing empathy, however, is not the job of any branch of the government.

[Hank phillippi ryan]

Yeah...first, Holly, yes, HER. Exactly.

Empathy is different from sympathy, of course, which is important. And compassion, too.

But I'm sitting on the train to Bosotn from Bridgeport, thinking about how much emotion
should play a role in a judge's decision.

It cuts both ways so much-which is why court is often the place where the rules really matter.

On the other hand, don't get me started on mandatory sentencing.

[Lil Gluckstern]

For me, true compassion comes from empathy which is born from imagination, and generosity. There are those who say that there can be no empathy without the experience of being willing to think about others' places and plights. The problem with our Constitution-and its richness-is that it is not really written in an absolute way, and it IS subject to interpretation. That is where human nature and empathy comes into play. And I agree that we have lost some of our humanity in the popularity of reality television. How sad to think that producers play on the public's need to see conflict and true ugliness displayed on the tube. I always wonder about these people-it feels like the Romans watching the Lions and Christians, not very civilized. What an interesting blog today...

[Barbara]

Thank you to the backbloggers for making this a safe place to disagree -- discussion with respect.

[Holly Gault]

Yes, Barbara, it is a joy to exchange ideas and thoughts without the too often shouted, expletive- rich denigrations.
Thank you, Tarts, for this safety.

[Gayle Carline]

I was just bemoaning the selfishness of other drivers, customers, everyone who is only interested in whether THEY get THEIRS, and the President gets blasted for suggesting that anyone needs empathy. Makes me want to go out and smack someone, just so I can say, "But it made ME feel better."

[nancy martin]

Sorry I've been gone all day. I'm so pleased everyone is pitching in on this subject!

[storyteller Mary]

I'm with you Nancy -- we need more empathy, more compassion, less selfishness. I even wonder, since you put the two issues in proximity, if bored selfish hedonism might be partly responsible for increased drug use. I have seen studies that female students with strong career goals are less likely to become pregnant. Perhaps connecting and caring for others is likewise a deterrent to drug use.
A friend organizes events for families to eat together and share stories, a positive and healthful experience. We need more of that.
Reality tv is so negative that I just can't watch it, and my nice pointed out to me that is has hurt the writers, now unemployed, as well as the quality of programs.
Thanks for bringing up a great topic.
**I remember Erroneous Zones as being about responsibility for self and resisting manipulation . . . but I don't have a copy handy for review. Anyone care to furnish examples?

[storyteller Mary]

I'll gave a storytelling workshop for early childhood educators -- RBAEYC conference at St. Charles Community College -- those who teach the very young are especially dedicated! Their work epitomizes compassion!
I put some of the handouts on my website and will add more. I meant to take Crazy Gibberish by Naomi Baltuk with me, but couldn't locate my copy (but I don't have too many books --no such thing). http://www.storytellermary.com/Garrett/Workshops.html

[Nora]

Nancy, I couldn't agree with you more. Everyone is so self centered and unempathetic! It scares me! I wonder if theses reality "stars" will ever look back in embarassement. The kids today are constantly exposed to this nonsense. That's why I keep talking and loving my kids...Family, it's all they got!

[Laraine]

Re: empathy and the Supreme Court justices--when the literalists get going, preaching the infallibility of strict application of the Constitution, we could have some really inane judgements handed down . . . although I don't know of a case like the one I'm going to hypothesize, here goes:
a judgement that because the constitution doesn't mention global warming, regulations improving fuel efficiency are unconstitutional, so better to be constitutional than save our planet.
Empathy, compassion, perspective, whatever you want to call it, I'm for it, and agin' the opposite.

[storyteller Mary]

Wise, wise woman!

[Laraine]

BTW, someone had mentioned loving Gesine Confectionery . . . I just read in Gesine's blog that she's 'back in business', but not retail, only via filling and shipping orders. Sweet pics of 'macaron' on her website.

[Cindy from Oregon]

Sorry, when it comes to law I like mine black and white. Each person is entitled to due process, but where exactly is empathy applied when it comes to law? Rules are rules, and your rights start where mine stop. That being said I do wish there were a better way to return to a more civil society.

[Laurissa]

Nancy, I know I'm a little late reading this, but I agree with you. It is possible to be both objective and empathetic. Empathy is a wonderful quality, and in a perfect world a quality EVERYONE should strive to possess. I can't think of any job that wouldn't be better performed with a little empathy and compassion.