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March 25, 2010

Tell Me a Good One

Tell Me a Good One

by Nancy  Go to fullsize image

I'm really bad at telling jokes.  This character flaw is a big disappointment to my husband, who loves jokes. But I  tend to forget some crucial detail or I flub the punchline. More often than not, I can't remember a good one when I need it.

Today I need a good one.  Or twenty.

I'm spending the day in the waiting room of our local hospital while my husband of 30-some years has surgery. He has never been sick--really sick, that is, and has only taken one and a half days off work for headcolds in the time I've known him. But today we're accepting the fact that he's got something bad.

He doesn't want me blogging about this, so that should be your first clue.  But since he's under anesthetic at the moment, I'll tell you this much: He has been diagnosed with one of those illnesses that guys don't want to talk about. And they certainly don't want sharp instruments in that particular region, if you get my drift.

When faced with the three options his doctors gave him, he kept waiting for the fourth, which didn't come.  And the docs were in agreement that surgery was the only real option, so Jeff finally caved.

He did not want to do this, and it wasn't just his Christian Scientist upbringing that made him resist the surgery so adamantly. He just doesn't like the idea of being sick in the first place, or going under, getting carved up and waking up to a bunch of unpleasantness ahead of him. He also hates to take time off work unless a beach is nearby.

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Surgery itself doesn't seem like a big deal to me anymore. Maybe women are more accustomed to surgical procedures and medical personnel poking around our most tender parts. In just the last four years, I've had back surgery, foot surgery, breast surgery and a countless number of examinations that involve stirrups. I won't even list the number of gynecological procedures I've had in my lifetime, or the labor and delivery stories. (Except: My second child weighed eleven pounds, two ounces, folks.  No C-section, either.) None of these medical events concerned me much. Even the back surgery recovery, which was supposed to be gruesomely awful, turned out to be pretty much a snap. Long ago, I quit filling the prescriptions for post-surgical pain meds because a.) I don't like using them and b.) Tylenol seems to work just fine and doesn't make me want to throw up and c.) I always seem to have a supply left over from the most recent procedure.

For Jeff, though, today is the first time he's had anesthesia. Ever.

You'll notice I'm ignoring the life-threatening aspects of today's surgery, not to mention the illness itself, entirely.  I'm not ready to discuss, and he--perhaps as a result of his upbringing--ain't talking much either. This coping technique works for us. But the elephant is definitely sitting here next to me as you read this. Let's just not go there, okay? Not today. I don't need to hear about your uncle or your friend who had this same experience, because . . . I just don't. Tomorrow, maybe, but not today.

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My dear husband has been at my bedside every time I woke up from an operation. He brought me snacks when the hospital food was inedible. He purchased newspapers and InStyle magazine. (Still the best mindless reading for hospitals.  It requires so few functioning brain cells. Is there a male equivalent?  One that won't insult the nursing staff, that is?) He tells me the same stories I've heard dozens of times, but it's comforting for both of us that he talks and I listen. Before he leaves the hospital, he always carefully shows me how to use the television clicker when I'm woozy.

The least I can do is get everything right the one day he's on the other side of the equation.

At home, I have a slew of diversions ready to keep his mind off the grim aspects of his recovery and the prospects of chemo or radiation down the road. I have a couple of seasons of Mad Men (which he's never seen) and various action movies, too. There's always ESPN, of course (still hockey season--yay!) and the NFL channel, which shows games that were played thirty years ago, but he's entralled. When he's ready for reading, a stack of mystery novels and thrillers on his bedside table looks like some architecture in Pisa, but if you have suggestions for more, I'm listening. My daughter sent him DVDs of TV shows he's never heard of and will probably like because they're funny.

But today I need jokes. When Jeff wakes up and needs to be distracted, I want to be able to amuse him. He loves a good joke.  He's particularly fond of puns. (I married him in spite of that weakness.) So, c'mon, dear friends. Help me out. Got a good joke?

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Comments

Gad, Nancy, I'm as bad at remembering jokes as you are. The only one I can ever remember is this one:

Did you hear about the agnostic dyslexic insomniac?

He lay awake all night wondering if there really is a Dog !

You're onto something with the joke thing. Before you pick him up from the hospital, go get a pile of funny movies along with the Sports Illustrated. Laughing is one of the best possible things you can do for your health.

I'm sending you and Jeff positive and healing vibes/prayers/whatever for his immediate and complete recovery, and big hugs to you.

A little boy came down for breakfast one morning and asked his grandma, "Where's Mom and dad?" and she replied, "they're up in bed."

The little boy started to giggle and ate his breakfast and went out to play. Then he came back in for lunch and asked his grandma "where's Mom and Dad?" and she replied "they're still up in bed."

Again the little boy started to giggle and he ate his lunch and went out to play. Then the little boy came in for dinner and once again he asked his grandma "where's Mom and dad?" and his grandmother replied "they're still up in bed."

The little boy started to laugh and his grandmother asked, "what gives? Every time I tell you they're still up in bed you start to laugh! what is going on here?" The little boy replied, "well last night daddy came into my bedroom and asked me for the Vaseline and I gave him super glue

Nancy, being a grandma I could not resist telling this joke!!

All the best to you and Jeff...prayers are with you!


A Rodney Dangerfield joke:


With my dog I don't get no respect. He keeps barking at the front door. He don't want to go out. He wants me to leave.

While being wheeled into surgery after being shot by John Hinckley, President Reagan looked up from the gurney at the worried team of surgeons and said, “I hope you’re all Republicans.”

You and Jeff have been in my prayers this week. Now on to the cheap laughs.

Use your discretion on this one.

90-year old guy goes to the doctor to ask for Viagra. Doctor is amazed the guy is still sexually active. Old guy says: "Sex? I was going to cut them in half - I'm just tired of peeing on my shoes."

Ty's favorite when he was learning to talk (you can teach Bobby this one). "How do you keep your doggy off the road? Put him in a barking lot!" This got so many laughs that Ty just started yelling; "Barking Lot! HA!"

Another good kid pun: "Why did the chicken cross the playground? To get to the other slide."

I'll be back throughout the day with more - I know you just can't wait for another dose of these gems.

Call me if you need food, magazines or cheap laughs!

xo

Throw-back political story:

The two major party presidential candidates agreed that Americans are seeing too much inappropriate material in popular entertainment. However, they disagreed on the details. The republican candidate, George W. Bush, stated that there is too much bloody violence in the movies and on television. Vice President Al Gore, his democratic opponent, stated meanwhile that the media present Americans with too much sex and frontal nudity. In other words, Bush says there is too much Gore and Gore says there is too much Bush.

Lawyer jokes! Told with great fondness, of course.

A lawyer receives a check from one of his clients, and the client has accidentally added a zero to the bottom line. The lawyer is now faced with an ethical dilemma -- Should he tell his partner?

A young boy receives a diary for Christmas. Pondering what to write, he asks his grandmother, "Grandma, where do babies come from?" Grandma stammers and stutters and finally says, "Well, honey, the Gypsies brought you to us."

The lad nods, and moves on. He goes into the kitchen, and asks his mother, "Mom, where do babies come from?" Mom stammers and stutters and finally blurts out, "We found you in the pumpkin patch, darling." The boy nods and heads for his room.

Enroute, he runs into his 19 year old sister. "Hey, where do babies come from?" The sister is taken aback, fumbles for a moment, and finally manages to say "The stork brought you, little bro."

He heads for his room, sits at his desk, and opens his diary. "Dear Diary. According to my research, the women in my family have not gotten laid in three generations...."

========================================

A young boy went up to his father and asked him, 'Dad, what is the difference between 'potentially' and 'realistically'?'

The father thought for a moment, then answered, 'Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars.

Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million
dollars, and then ask your brother if he'd sleep with Brad Pitt for a
million dollars. Come back and tell me what you learn from that.'

So the boy went to his mother and asked, 'Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?'

The mother replied, 'Of course I would! We could really use that money to fix up the house and send you kids to a great University!'

The boy then went to his sister and asked, 'Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?'

The girl replied, 'Oh my Gawd! I LOVE Brad Pitt I would sleep with him in a heartbeat, are you nuts?'

The boy then went to his brother and asked, 'Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?'

'Of course,' the brother replied. 'Do you know what a million bucks would buy?'

The boy pondered the answers for a few days and then went back to his dad.

His father asked him, 'Did you find out the difference between
'potentially' and 'realistically'?'

The boy replied, 'Yes, 'Potentially', you and I are sitting on three
million dollars ..

But 'realistically', we're living with two hookers and a queer.'

=======================================

A man is facing a heart transplant. Doctor says, "You have two choices. I can give you the heart of a 19 year old Olympic Triathlete, or the other match is an 89 year old attorney."

Without hesitation, the patient says, "The lawyer's."

The surgeon blinks, not sure he heard correctly. "Are you CRAZY?"

The patient shrugs and replies, "I'd prefer a heart that's never been used."

=======================================

A lawyer on a cruise ship falls overboard. The other passengers panic, screaming and shrieking as a huge shark heads right for him. At the last moment, the sharks veers off and heads for the open sea. A woman yelled, "Did you see that? That was an Act of God!"

Another attorney turned and said, "No, that was Professional Courtesy."

========================================

I could go on, but.......

Okay, this is a Vermont hunting season joke. I figure, the sportsman like tone of it might appeal to Jeff.

Two dumb old men, hunting buddies for ages, go out in the woods on the first day of doe season. Suddenly, one of them clutches his chest, gasps and dies from what appears to be a fatal heart attack.

The other hunter pulls out his cell phone and, distraught, calls 911. "Quick. Help! My friend and I were hunting and he had a heart attack. I think he's dead. We're out in the woods, miles from my truck or a hospital. What should I do?"

In a steady voice, the dispatcher says, "Okay, sir. Calm down. Secondly, let's make sure he's really dead."

There's a silence on the phone followed by the sound of a gun blast.

The hunter gets back on. "All right. Now what?"


Nancy - Has Jeff seen Tropic Thunder? And do you have the kind of cable where you can watch TV shows on demand for free? 'Cause I'm thinking there are some HGTV shows out there that will keep him preoccupied for days, right? I know it works for me. That and Seinfeld. I don't know why, but I find Seinfeld very comforting. For Charlie, not so much.

By the way, Cassie, good one. It's so true!

You guys are great! Keep 'em coming!

One of the best medical breakthroughs must be wireless internet in surgical waiting rooms. Whew. I was afraid I'd be here all alone today.

(I think this is a true story...) A priest tells a room full of third graders the story of the prodigal son. There's the father, one of whose sons left him and spent all his money, but who is willing to kill the fatted calf in celebration when his son returns unharmed. There's the prodigal son, who is broke and ashamed that he abandoned his family. There's the good son, who stayed by his father and worked hard, but is angry now that his lazy brother is back and being treated so well.

The priest asks the kids, "Who in this story has it the worst?" One kid raises his hand immediately and answers, "The fatted calf." Smart kid...

Good luck to you and Jeff today.

Big hugs, Nancy. I'll be keeping you all in my prayers today.

A bad joke:

What's the difference between a Rolling Stone and a Scotsman?
The Stone says, "Hey, you! Get off of my cloud!" while the Scotsman says, "Hey, McCloud! Get off of my ewe!"

And in a similar vein -
Why do Scotsmen wear kilts?
Because sheep can hear zippers.

I'll add a Star Trek joke to the group...

Did you hear what the dyslexic Borg said?

"Your ass will be laminated".

Hope your hubby gets well soon!

I'm so bad that it took me a full minute to figure out that one today, Debbie! Yeesh.

True story:

We were discussing Tiger Woods, and whether or not winning the US Open would net him sponsors again. One guy said that, if Tiger wins, he would most definitely get at least one sponsor:

Trojans.

To which I added: Astroglide

To which my husband added: What's that?

A joke that has all the senior citizens around here laughing:

I got a new stick deodorant today. The instructions said, “Remove cap and push up bottom”. I can barely walk, but whenever I fart the room smells lovely.


Having had "sharp instruments in that particular region" held by a doc who liked telling jokes while saying hold still, I can understand his reluctance. But, if the questions get to personal, I can always ask if someone wants to see the scar.

Some jokes to brighten your day:

Late One Night on Lovers Lane PDF Print E-mail
A policeman was patrolling near midnight at a local parking spot overlooking a golf course. He drove by a car and saw a couple inside with the dome light on. Inside there was a young man in the driver's seat reading a computer magazine and a young lady in the back seat calmly knitting.

He stopped to investigate.

He walked up to the driver's window and knocked. The young man looked up, obligingly cranked the window down, and said, "Yes, Officer?"

"What are you doing?" the policeman asked.

"What does it look like?" answered the young man. "I'm reading this magazine."

Pointing towards the young lady in the back seat, the officer then asked, "And what is she doing?"

The young man looked over his shoulder and replied, "I think she's knitting a sweater."

Confused, the officer asked, "How old are you, young man?" "I'm nineteen," he replied.

"And how old is she?" asked the officer.

The young man looked at his watch and said, "Well, in about twelve minutes she'll be eighteen."

=====
A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl tells him that after dinner, she would like to have sex with him for the first time.

The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacy to get some condoms. He tells the pharmacist about his plans, how hot his girlfriend is, and how her parents will never know.

The pharmacist helps the boy for about half an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex. At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he’d like to buy a 3-pack, 10-pack or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.

That night, the boy shows up at the girls parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. “Oh, I’m so excited for you to meet my parents! Come on in!”

The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl’s parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down 10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, “I had no idea you were this religious.”

The boy turns, and whispers back, “I had no idea your father was a pharmacist.”

================

I have more on my joke page: http://theportmans.name/index.php/Table/Jokes/

Here is to a quick and full recovery.

A Sunday Sermon, 'Dear Lord,' the minister began, with arms extended toward heaven and a rapturous look on his upturned face. 'Without you, we are but dust...' He would have continued but at that moment a little girl in the congregation who was listening leaned over to her mother and asked quite audibly in her shrill little four-year-old girl voice, 'Mom, what is butt dust?'

I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.

Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.

Two peanuts were walking in a tough neighborhood, when one of them was a-salted.

A hungry traveler stops at a monastery and is taken to the kitchens, where a brother is frying chips. "Are you the friar?" the traveler asks. "No, I'm the chip-monk," he replied.

What do you have when a lawyer is buried up to his neck in the sand? Not enough sand.

Love to you and Jeff.

Ah, we're seguing into the STAR TREK jokes:

The Enterprise is under attack and various commanders have only enough time for one last order. How is this tense situation handled by different characters ?

Scotty : "Why, ya lilly livered poor excuse for a potato head, I oughta blastya ta Ceti Alpha Six !"

Geordi : "Reroute the phase inducers and heterodyne the frequency of the warp coil!"

Worf : " yopwaHHomwIj yISop, romuluSngan ! " (Eat my shorts, Romulan!)

McCoy : "I'm a Doctor, Jim, not a solider!"

Data : "Romulan commander, your actions are most unnecessary and are not in keeping with the established treaties. May I advise you of the current political situation which threatens the very continuity of the principles involved. A corollary I might point out would be that of ....."

Riker : "Shields UP! Red ALERT! Captain to the BRIDGE !"

Spock : (Raises eyebrow)

Picard : "I will count to three, then fire! One! Two! I'm not joking. THREE!. I'm quite serious, you know. Four! Five! I don't think you grasp the reality here. Six!...."

Kirk : "FIRE!"

You and Jeff and the girls are in my prayers today and for the next few weeks. And just remember that the best way to take care of him is to take care of yourself.

{{{extra strong hugs}}}

*********************************************
My favorite, told to me by my orthopedist:

A 90 year old woman goes to her doctor. She says, “Doc, what is the most efficient, most successful way to kill oneself?”

The doctor answers, “You shoot yourself 3 inches below your left breast”.

A few days later, while on rounds at the hospital, the doctor notices his patient’s chart at the nurse’s station. He asks the nurse, “Oh, my goodness. I just saw this lady the other day. What happened to her?”

The nurse answers, “Gunshot wound to the knee.”

Ba dum bum.

Ow, Pam--that hurts!

OKay, he's in surgery. The early jokes were grrrrreat. (He particularly liked the Vermont hunters, Sarah.) I'm in the waiting room with Rachel Ray talking to a porn start on one tv and a game show on the other. Of the 22 people in this room with me, five are elderly volunteers who cat together in very loud voices (hearing aids, anyone?), the rest are on their cell phones. ACK!

A DEA agent wants to talk to a rancher. The rancher says, "Fine, just don't go into that field there."
"I'm a federal agent," the DEA guy said. "I have the full power of the government. I have a badge. I can go wherever I want."
"Suit yourself," the rancher said, and walked toward the barn.
Soon the rancher hears a scream. The rancher's bull is chasing the DEA agent, who is shouting for help.
"Show him your badge!" the rancher yells.

If you both like political/editorial cartoons, this is a great site. Had some really good ones during the campaign. It is an equal opportunity offender. It has cartoons from the left & the right.

http://www.cagle.com/

One elephant walks into a bar.

The other elephant says, "Duck next time..."

(Buh-dum-ching!)

Thoughts and good wishes for you all, Nancy!

How much did the pirate pay for his hook and peg? An arm and a leg.

What's a pirate's favorite subject in school? Arrrrrrithmetic.

How does a pirate stop smoking? He uses a patch!

How much did the pirate pay to get his ears pierced? A buck an ear.

What do you call a pirate who skips class?
Captain Hooky.

What does a vegan pirate do in jail?
Starrrrrrrrve.

Love,
Cousin Rita

Hugs to you and Jeff.

I am also not one to remember any really good jokes, unlike my stepdad had can belt them out for hours. However, I do have a couple of short ones that seem to be the only ones that I can ever remember.

What do you call a guy, no arms or legs, sitting on the porch?

Matt.

What do you call a guy, no arms or legs, hanging on the wall?

Art.

What do you call a guy, no arms or legs, in the swimming pool?

Bob.

What do you call a guy, no arms or legs, under the car?

Jack.

What do you call a guy, no arms or legs, on the fence?

Rusty.

What do you call a person, no arms or legs, on the beach?

Sandy.

What do you call two guys, no arms or legs, hanging on the wall?

Curt n Rod.

Okay, so I still have no idea why the no arms or legs, but that is how they were told to me. *sigh*

Oh, my God, I'm laughing at the jokes, and wincing at the thought of Nancy's 11-pound baby. I can't add to this, because I share the "I cannot tell jokes worth a damn" gene.

Two little boys are walking to school. One little boy says to the other, "I heard a new word today. It's 'penis'. Do you know what that is?"

The other little boy replies, "No, but I'll go home today and ask my Dad. He'll know for sure."

That evening, the little boy asks his Dad, "Dad, what's a penis." The Dad thinks a minute, then whips his out and lays it on his palm. "Son," he says, "that is a penis. Not only that, but it is a PERFECT penis."

The next day, the little boy meets up with his friend. His friend eagerly asks, "Did you find out about penises?" "Yes," he replies, and whips his out and lays it on his palm. "This is a penis. Not only that, but if it was 2 inches shorter, it would be a PERFECT penis."

This is actually an apocryphal story I heard when I lived in West Virginia - maybe it will appeal based on your time there :) It won't be funny to anyone not familiar with WV politics . . .

When JFK was campaigning for the Presidency, he visited the Democratic party bosses in West Virginia (who, owning the miner's union, owned a big chunk of the state). During their discussions, it came out that the Pope had died and that a new one was being elected. Said the party bosses to JFK, "Just tell us which one you want elected - we'll deliver Mingo County."

Much love to you both . . .

P.S. to William. Please tell The Boss that she is one lucky lady :)

Guy walks into a bar - the usual kind of place, except with a piano player who's feet can't reach the pedals, and someone in a Genie out fit at the far end of the bar.

Guy: "What's with the Genie?"
Bartender: "He only THINKS he's a Genie - don't talk to him."
Genie: "Shut up - I AM a genie and I can grant wishes"
Bartender: "Don't listen to him"

A few beers later, the Guy finally walks over to the Genie and asks if he really can grant wishes. Genie nods - yes he can. The Guy thinks about it and then says:

"I wish I had a million bucks"

**BOOM*** Lightening flashes and suddenly the bar is overrun with ducks.

Bartender shakes his head and says: "Why do you think I have a twelve inch pianist?"

My best worst joke: What did the fish say when it swam into the concrete wall?

Dam!

I can't help it, I'm the daughter of an engineer.

Dirty Joke
The bride tells her husband
The bride tells her husband, "Honey, you know I'm a virgin and I don't know
anything about sex. Can you explain it to me first?"

"OK, Sweetheart. Putting it simply, we will call your private place 'the
prison' and call my private thing 'the prisoner'. So what we do is: put the
prisoner in the prison.

And then they made love for the first time.

Afterwards, the guy is lying face up on the bed, smiling with satisfaction.

Nudging him, his bride giggles, "Honey the prisoner seems to have escaped."

Turning on his side, he smiles. "Then we will have to re-imprison him."

After the second time they spent, the guy reaches for his cigarettes but
the girl, thoroughly enjoying the new experience of making love, gives him
a suggestive smile, "Honey, the prisoner is out again!"

The man rises to the occasion, but with the unsteady legs of a recently
born foal.

Afterwards, he lays back on the bed, totally exhausted.

She nudges him and says, "Honey, the prisoner escaped again."

Limply turning his head, He YELLS at her, "Hey, its not a life sentence,
OKAY!

A little naughty but brings back memories.

I don't have any jokes to share, but can offer my empathy for having to sit in a hospital surgery waiting room. I did that three times within the last year and a half with DH.

It is almost as big of a train wreck as people@walmart, but you might get some great personalities and/or ideas to incorporate into your next Roxy adventure.

Speaking of Roxy -- I am totally savoring the book and appreciated the b'day wishes.

A Stranger walks into a bar in West Texas. In the middle of the bar stands a prize palomino; perfectly groomed, a champion. Near the horse is a sign that reads "Make the Horse Laugh, free drinks!"

The Stranger walks over to the horse, whispers in his ear, whereupon the horse immediately breaks into hysterical laughter. The bartender, realizing a deal is a deal, pours free drinks for the rest of the night.

A few weeks later, the Stranger returns. The horse is still laughing hysterically, causing quite a ruckus. In frustration, the bartender has changed the sign to read, "Make the horse CRY, free drinks!"

The Stranger walks over, gathers the reins in his hands, and leads the horse outside. They are gone for less than ten seconds when the most godawful sounds heard by human ears float into the bar. The Stranger walks back in, leading the horse who is now sobbing so badly the poor thing can't breathe. The Stranger loops the reins back on the post and goes to claim his free drink.

The bartender is stunned. "Mister," he says. "I have to know. How did you make that horse laugh so hard?"

The Stranger tosses back his drink, and says "I told him mine was bigger than his."

The bartender thinks about that, then asks "And to make him stop laughing and start crying?"

"Took him outside and proved it...."

Debby, I remember those jokes from when I was a kid. Loved them! Another favorite was Mary Jane jokes.

1. Mary Jane's mom told her not to swing so high because the boys could see her underwear. (this was in the day when girls only could wear dresses to school) Mary Jane laughed and laughed. She knew she didn't have any underwear on.

2. Mary Jane was at the movies with her boyfriend. He put his hand up her skirt.
Mary Jane laughed and laughed, because she knew her money was in her shoe.

3. Mary Jane was walking through a cow pasture when she came upon a big, fresh pile of cow manure. On top of this steaming pile of manure was a tiny fly.
And Mary Jane laughed and laughed, because she knew a fly couldn't have made all of that.

And of course, the Mommy Mommy jokes:

1. Mommy! Mommy! I'm spinning in circles.
Shut up, kid, or I'll nail your other foot to the floor!

2. Mommy! Mommy! Can I play in the sandbox?
Shut up, kid. Not until I find a better place to bury Daddy.

OMG, it's Dame Edna on The View, talking to Jennifer LOve Hewitt.........and a game show on the other TV. Hell on earth.

More jokes!!

Sophie Tucker story a la Bette Midler:

I was sitting with my boyfriend Ernie watching TV when a healer came on the show. "My friends," he said, "if you touch the TV the with hand and with the other touch the part of you that is wounded, I will heal it." So with one hand I touched the TV; with the other, I touched my heart. My boyfriend Ernie put one hand on the TV and the other on his crotch. "Ernie," I said, "he can heal your wounds, not raise the dead."

Wait------------Sarah Palin now has a reality show??? Surely that's a joke?

Why do you cover your butt while you are in the hospital?...Because you are in enema territory!

Hey, Nancy..it could be worse.
Yesterday Martha Stewart was coercing a guest into making slaw to put on a Mexican type burger.
She often has her guests sewing at the sewing machine standing up.
She can be so cruel!!
And I do not want to hear about her special chickens that lay humongous eggs.
Thousands of crocus and spring flowers are abounding on her property.
I am so jealous!!


Check out this story -- talk about having a *terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day*

http://wcco.com/local/truck.ice.rescue.2.1587848.html

It will take your mind off daytime tv for a minute or two (and hopefully provide a chuckle or two)

A couple returns from visiting the husband's brother's farm.

Husband reaches over, pats the wife's chest and says - "Honey, if these worked, we wouldn't need a cow."

She smiles sweetly, pats him on the crotch and replies - "Honey, if this worked, we wouldn't need your brother."

Two nuns in Rome take a short cut back to the Vatican over some old side streets. When they get there, the first nun says: "I've never come that way before" and the second one says: "It's the cobblestones."
*******************

A Jewish family was having trouble with their son - he seemed to be running with the wrong crowd. Worried, they went to the Rabbi, who advised that they bring the son in for a test. When the son arrived, he was ushered into an office. In the office was a Bible, a set of golf clubs and a fifth of whiskey. The son took a slug of whiskey, flipped through the Bible, picked up the golf clubs and left, taking all three with him. The Rabbi was desolate. The parents, nearly afraid to ask, wondered what the test revealed. "Well" replied the Rabbi, "if he had just read the bible, I'd say he might be a Man of God. If he just took the whiskey, I'd say he was definitely breaking wild - but to take all three? I hate to be the one to tell you, but your son is destined to be a Catholic Priest."
*******************

A guy retires and goes to collect social security. After standing in a long line for what seemed like forever, he finally got up to the clerk, only to realize that he forgot his ID. Frustrated because he'd already stood in line, he tried to convince the clerk that he really was old enough to collect the benefits. Finally, he unbuttoned his shirt and pointed out that all the hair on his chest was grey. When he got home and told his wife the story, she said: "You should've dropped your pants. They would have given you total disability."
*******************

Two ducks go on their honeymoon and stay in a hotel. As they are about to make love, the male duck says, ''Oh, we haven't got any condoms. I'll ring down to room service.'' He calls and asks for some condoms. 
The woman says, ''OK sir, would you like to put them on your bill?''
''No,'' he says, ''I'll suffocate!''

How many psychiatrists does it take to change a lightbulb? **

and From Garrison Keillor's
http://www.publicradio.org/applications/formbuilder/projects/joke_machine/joke_page.php
I just saw a vegetarian zombie! I could tell he was vegetarian, he staggered about all stiff limbed searchibg for "Grains!".

** Only one, but it has to really WANT to change.

Mick and Paddy were walking home from the pub after closing.
Mick says to Paddy, 'I can't be bothered to walk all that way.'
'I know,' says Paddy, 'but we've no money for a cab and we've missed the last bus home.'
'We could steal a bus from the depot,' Mick suggests.
They arrive at the bus depot and Mick tells Paddy to go in and steal a bus while he keeps a look-out.
After shuffling around for ages, Mick shouts, 'Paddy, what are you doing? Have you not found one yet?'
Paddy shouts back, 'I cant find a No. 91'
Says Mick, 'Oh Jaysus Christ, ye thick sod, take the No. 14 and we'll walk from the roundabout!'
*******************

Two bulls were standing on a hill overlooking a field of cows. The young bull says to the old bull, "Let's run down the hill and screw a cow." The old bull says to the young bull, "Hell, let's walk down and screw them all."

How many cops does it take to throw a convicted pedophile down a flight of stairs? None. "He tripped, Your Honor."
*******************

A mechanic was removing a cylinder-head from the motor of a Harley motorcycle when he spotted a well-known cardiologist in his shop. The cardiologist was there waiting for the service manager to come take a look at his bike when the mechanic shouted across the garage "Hey Doc, want to take a look at this?" The cardiologist, a bit surprised, walked over to where the mechanic was working on the motorcycle. The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and said, "So Doc, look at this engine. I open its heart, take the valves out, repair any damage, and then put them back in, and when I finish, it works just like new. So how come I make $39,675 a year, a pretty small salary and you get the really big bucks ($1,695,759) when you and I are doing basically the same work?" The cardiologist paused, smiled and leaned over, then whispered to the mechanic, "Now do it with the engine running."

What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover?
The position of the dirt bag

What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Doughnuts

Why don't bunnies make noise when they have sex?
Because they have cotton balls.

What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
"Are you sure it's mine?"


Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?
Mace will do that to you.

Why do drivers' education classes in Redneck schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?
Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.

What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?
A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage along with... "a recipe".


How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F word?
Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!

What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale?
A northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time ..." -A southern fairytale begins
"Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit....

A woman went up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestured alluringly to the bartender who approached her immediately. She seductively signaled that he should bring his face closer to hers. As he did, she gently caressed his full beard. "Are you the manager?" she asked, softly stroking his face with both hands. "Actually, no," he replied. "Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him," she said, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair. "I'm afraid I can't," breathed the bartender... "Is there anything I can do?" "Yes. I need you to give him a message," she continued, running her forefinger across the bartender's lip and slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently. "What should I tell him?" the bartender managed to say. "Tell him," she whispered, "There's no toilet paper, hand soap, or paper towels in the ladies room."

How many teamsters does it take to change a light bulb? 24 - you got a problem with that?

How many Jewish mothers does it take to change a light bulb? None, I'll just sit here in the dark, you go out and have a good time, don't worry about me.

Here's an old political one or two (no offense to anyone): What's the difference between Jane Fonda and George W. Bush? Jane went to Vietnam.

What's the difference between Sarah Palin and Dan Quayle? Lipstick.

I send my wishes to you and your husband for an uneventful recovery.

And last but not least . . .

A train hits a busload of catholic school girls and
they all perish. They all wind up in Heaven trying to
enter the pearly gates past St. Peter.
St. Peter asks the first girl, "Karen, have you ever
had any contact with a penis?" She giggles and shyly
replies, "Well I once touched the head of one with the
tip of my finger." St. Peter says, "OK, dip the tip
of your finger in The Holy Water and pass through the
gate."
St. Peter asks the next girl the same question, "Karina
have you ever had any contact with a penis?" The girl
is a little reluctant but replies, "Well once I fondled
and stroked one." St. Peter says "OK, dip your whole
hand in The Holy Water and pass through the gate."
All of a sudden there is a lot of commotion in the line
of girls, one girl is pushing her way to the front of
the line. When she reaches the front of the line St.
Peter says "Sharon! What seems to be the rush?"

The girl replies
"If I'm going to have to gargle that Holy
Water, I want to do it before Mandy sticks her ass in
it!"

Another favorite that I gave to my OB/GYN:

A GYN decided he was tired of delivering babies and listening to women complain so he went back to school to become an auto mechanic. At the end of the course, he had to take a two part final exam.

When the grades came in, the doctor was confused at his score. The instructor explained “Well, you got a perfect score of 50 on the first half of the exam by taking the engine completely apart. You also got 50 points for the second half by putting the engine back together and making it work.”

“But,” the doctor said, “I got 150 points. Why?”

The instructor replied, “We have you 50 points for extra credit. We’ve never had anyone complete the exam through the exhaust pipe.”

Well, I sure hope Jeff enjoys these as much as I have. I've been laughing so much my husband had to hear them, too, and he's also been cracking up.

Sarah Palin was born for reality shows. The Oval Office, not so much. Hope she stays with her own area of expertise.

Just got this one via e-mail:

After getting all of Pope Benedict's luggage loaded into the limo, (and he doesn't travel light), the driver notices the Pope is still standing on the curb.

'Excuse me, Your Holiness,' says the driver, 'Would you please take your seat so we can leave?'

'Well, to tell you the truth,' says the Pope, 'they never let me drive at the Vatican when I was a cardinal, and I'd really like to drive today.'

'I'm sorry, Your Holiness, but I can't let you do that. I'd lose my job! What if something should happen?' protests the driver, wishing he'd never gone to work that morning..

'Who's going to tell?' says the Pope with a smile.

Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 205 kms... (Remember, the Pope is German..)

'Please slow down, Your Holiness!' pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens.

'Oh, dear God, I'm going to lose my license -- and my job!' moans the driver.

The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio.

'I need to talk to the Chief,' he says to the dispatcher.

The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a limo going 205 kph.

'So bust him,' says the Chief.

'I don't think we want to do that, he's really important,' said the cop.

The Chief exclaimed,' All the more reason!'

'No, I mean really important,' said the cop with a bit of persistence.

The Chief then asked, 'Who do you have there, the mayor?'
Cop: 'Bigger.'
Chief: ' A senator?'
Cop: 'Bigger.'
Chief: 'The Prime Minister?'
Cop: 'Bigger.'

'Well,' said the Chief, 'who is it?'

Cop: 'I think it's God!'

The Chief is even more puzzled and curious, 'What makes you think it's God?'

Cop: 'His chauffeur is the Pope!'

Give me a sense of humor, Lord,
Give me the grace to see a joke,
To get some humour out of life,
And pass it on to other folk.

Kathy, your prayers were answered!

All right--a horrible pun, but only because you asked for it, Nancy.

What do you call an earthquake fault?

A topographical error.

A long-ago favorite: Why was 6 afraid of 7?

Because 7 8 9.

I recommend Reader's Digest for groggy hospital reading.

Found some more . . .


Two people were in a kayak waiting for a polar bear to resurface. They were getting chilly so they started a small fire in the boat. The fire burned through the kayak’s skin and the kayak sank. Proving once again that you can’t have your kayak and heat it too.

A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel for a tournament and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to break it up. “Why?” they asked. “Because,” he said, “I can’t stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.

A group of friars opened a small florist shop to raise funds for their monastery. A rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good brothers to close down but they said no. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. The rival florist hired Hugh MacHeath, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to “persuade” them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store. Terrified, they closed up shop, proof that only Hugh can prevent florist friars.

Harold, the Computer Guy

I was having trouble with my computer. (Sound familiar?)
So I called Harold, the computer guy, to come over.
Harold clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem. He gave me a bill for a minimum service call.

As he was walking away, I called after him, "So, what was wrong?"

He replied, "It was an ID ten T error."

I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, "An ID ten T error? What's that in case I need to fix it again?"

Harold grinned..."Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?"

"No," I replied.

"Write it down," he said, "and I think you'll figure it out."


So I wrote down. I D 1 0 T

I used to like Harold

I've been digging in my *Tidbit* files, but I don't think I can keep up with Gaylin. Now if I gave my dad this link he'd probably crash your computer with Sven, Ole, and Lena jokes.

A Polish man moved to the U.S. and married an American girl. Although his English was far from perfect, they got along very well, until one day he rushed into a lawyer's office and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him, "very quick."

The lawyer said that the speed for getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances, and asked him the following questions:

Lawyer: "Have you any grounds?"

Polish Man: "Ja, Ja, acre and half and nice little home."

Lawyer: "No, I mean what is the foundation of this case?"

Polish Man: "It made of concrete."

Lawyer: "Does either of you have a real grudge?"

Polish Man: "No, we have carport, and not need one."

Lawyer: "I mean, What are your relations like?"

Polish Man: "All my relations still in Poland."

Lawyer: "Is there any infidelity in your marriage?"

Polish Man: "Ja, we have hi-fidelity stereo set and good DVD player."

Lawyer: Does your wife beat you up?"

Polish Man: "No, I always up before her."

Lawyer: "Is your wife a nagger?"

Polish Man: "No, she's white."

Lawyer: "Why do you want this divorce?"

Polish Man: "She going to kill me."

Lawyer: "What makes you think that?"

Polish Man: "I got proof.

Lawyer: "What kind of proof?"

Polish Man: "She going to poison me. She buy a bottle at drugstore and put on shelf in bathroom. I can read and it say, " Polish Remover."

I am no joke teller, but I appreciate them all. I wish Jeff a good recovery, and my thoughts are with you. I hate hospital waiting rooms, and the shows on the TV.

Jeff Foxworthy is always good for a good laugh, mostly because what he says is oh so true.

If you consider it a sport to gather your food by drilling through 18 inches of ice and sitting there all day hoping that the food will swim by, you might live in Minnesota.

If you feel proud that your state makes the national News 96 nights each year, because International Falls is the coldest spot in the nation, you might live in Minnesota.

If your local Dairy Queen is closed from November through March, you might live in Minnesota.

If someone in a store offers you assistance, and they don't work there, you might live in Minnesota.

If your dad's suntan stops at a line curving around the middle of his forehead, you might live in Minnesota.

If you have worn shorts and a parka at the same time, you might live in Minnesota.

If your town has an equal number of bars and churches, you might live in Minnesota.

If you think that ketchup is a little too spicy, you might live in Minnesota.

If vacation means going up North past Virginia for the weekend, you might live in Minnesota.

If you know how to say Wayzata, Mahtomedia, Edina, Shakopee, Winton and Ely, you might live in Minnesota.

If you measure distance in hours, you might live in Minnesota.

You know several people who have hit a deer more than once, you might live in Minnesota.

If you often switch from heat to A/C in the same day and back again, you might live in Minnesota.

If you see people wearing hunting clothes at special events, you might live in Minnesota.

If you can drive 65 mph through 2 feet of snow during a raging blizzard, without flinching, you might live in Minnesota.

If you install security lights on your house and garage and leave both unlocked, you might live in Minnesota.

If you think of the major food groups as beer, fish and venison, you might live in Minnesota.

If you carry jumper cables in your car and your girlfriend knows how to use them, you might live in Minnesota.

If there are seven empty cars running in the parking lot at Zups Grocery Store at any given time, you might live in Minnesota.

If you design your kids Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit, you might live in Minnesota.

If driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled with snow, you might live in Minnesota.

If you know all four seasons: almost winter, winter, still winter and road construction, you might live in Minnesota.

If you consider Minneapolis exotic, you might live in Minnesota.

If your idea of creative landscaping is a statue of a deer next to your blue spruce, you might live in Minnesota.

If "down south" means Iowa, if a brat is something you eat, and if you go out to a fish fry every Friday, you might live in Minnesota.

If you find 0 degrees "a little chilly," you really just might live in Minnesota!

After Monday & Tuesday, even the calendar
says W T F

lotsa prayers headed your way!

Debrasue, all those one-liners could have been written about where I was born, northern Ontario. So glad we moved to BC. And yes, I do keep a jokes file on my computer because I can never remember them either.

Nancy, I hope the hospital stay is brief, with all good results.

How could I forget the bookseller joke!

Dave the bookseller set's up a display of new arrivals. He is amazed as the books are flying off the table. The book: "Translated from the original French, 27 new mating positions."

Dave had never seen a chess book sell so well.

Q: Why did the sweater cross the road?

A: Because it was stapled to the chicken

1. A kindergarten pupil told his teacher he'd found a cat, but it was dead.
'How do you know that the cat was dead?' she asked her pupil.
'Because I pissed in its ear and it didn't move,' answered the child innocently.
‘You did WHAT ? ! ?' the teacher exclaimed in surprise.
'You know,' explained the boy, 'I leaned over and went 'Pssst!' and it didn't move.'
2. A small boy is sent to bed by his father.
Five minutes later..."Papa!"
'What?'
'I'm thirsty. Can you bring a drink of water?'
'No, You had your chance. Lights out!'
Five minutes later: "Papiii..!!!"
'WHAT?'
'I'm THIRSTY. Can I have a drink of water??'
I told you NO! If you ask again, I'll have to spank you!!'
Five minutes later......"FAAAATHERRRR!"...'WHAT DO YOU WANT NOW?'
'When you come in to spank me, can you bring me a drink of water?'
3. An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief, finally asked him 'How do you expect to get into Heaven?'
The boy thought it over and said, 'Well, I'll run in and out and in and out and keep slamming the door until St. Peter says, 'For Heaven's sake, Dylan, come in or stay out!''
4. One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm, a mother was tucking her son into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, 'Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?'
The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug. 'I can't dear,' she said. 'I have to sleep in Daddy's room'
A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice: 'THE BIG SISSY!'
5. It was that time, during the Sunday morning service, for the children's sermon. All the children were invited to come forward.
One little girl was wearing a particularly pretty dress and, as she sat down, the pastor leaned over and said, 'That is a very pretty dress. Is it your Easter Dress?'
The little girl replied, directly into the pastor's clip-on microphone, 'Yes, and my Mom says it's a bitch to iron.'
6. When I was six months pregnant with my third child, my three year old came into the room when I was just getting ready to get into the shower. She said, 'Mommy, you are getting fat!'
I replied, 'Yes, honey, remember Mommy has a baby growing in her tummy.'
'I know,' she replied, but what's growing in your butt?'
7. A little boy was doing his math homework. He said to himself, 'Two plus five, that son of a bitch is seven. Three plus six, that son of a bitch is nine....'
His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, 'What are you doing?'
The little boy answered, 'I'm doing my math homework, Mom.'
'And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?' the mother asked.
'Yes,' he answered.
Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day, 'What are you teaching my son in math?'
The teacher replied, 'Right now, we are learning addition.'
The mother asked, 'And are you teaching them to say two plus two, that son of a bitch is four?'
After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered, 'What I taught them was, two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four.'
8. One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken Little to her class. She came to the part of the story where Chicken Little tried to warn the farmer. She read, '.... and so Chicken Little went up to the farmer and said, 'The sky is falling, the sky is falling!'
The teacher paused then asked the class, 'And what do you think that farmer said?'
One little girl raised her hand and said, 'I think he said: 'Dad-gum son of a hickory go to the mill!'...A talking chicken!''
The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.
9. A certain little girl, when asked her name, would reply, 'I'm Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter.'
Her mother told her this was wrong, she must say, 'I'm Jane Sugarbrown.'
The Vicar spoke to her in Sunday School, and said, 'Aren't you Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter?'
She replied, 'I thought I was, but mother says I'm not.'
10. A little girl asked her mother, 'Can I go outside and play with the boys?'
Her mother replied, 'No, you can't play with the boys, they're too rough.'
The little girl thought about it for a few moments and asked, 'If I can find a smooth one, can I play with him?'

Two doctors were in a hospital hallway one day complaining
about Nurse Jenny. "She's incredibly dumb. She does
everything absolutely backwards.", said one doctor.
"Just last week, I told her to give a patient 2 milligrams
of Percocet every 10 hours. She gave him 10 milligrams
every 2 hours. He nearly died on us!"

The second doctor said, "That's nothing. Earlier this
week, I told her to give a patient an enema every 24
hours. She tried to give him 24 enemas in one hour!
The guy nearly exploded!"

Suddenly, they hear a blood-curdling scream from down
the hall, "Oh my gosh!" said the first doctor, "I just
realized I told Nurse Jenny to prick Mr. Smith's boil!"


A man took his Rottweiler to the vet and says, "My dog is cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?" "Well," said the vet, "let's have a look at him." So he picks up the dog and examines his eyes. Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down." "What? Because he's cross-eyed?" "No, because he's really heavy."

A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.

"Doc, I can't stop singing "The Green, Green, Grass Of Home." "That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome." "Is it common?" "It's not unusual."

Have you heard about the lawyers' word processor? No matter what font you select, everything comes out in fine print.

Stapled to the chicken. Go to love it.

I can only remember one joke at a time ,and right now it's the duck joke. So you know that one. (I am SO sick and have taken too much cold medication, so all these jokes seem HILARIOUS.)

Nancy--please let us know when everything is okay..thinking of you both.

ShaZAAM! Werner Heisenberg, Kurt Gödel and Noam Chomsky find themselves standing in the doorway of a bar.

Heisenberg steps in, and looks back at the other two.

Heisenberg says, “It’s very odd and improbable that we three are in this bar together. It suggests to me that we’re in a joke, but I can’t be certain.”

Gödel says, “Well, if we were outside the joke we would know, but since we’re inside it, there’s no way we can make that determination.”

And Chomsky says, “Of course this is a joke, you idiots, but you’re telling it wrong!”

For everyone currently living in, ever visited, or are from St. Louis.


This is what Jeff Foxworthy has to say about St. Louis:

If someone mentions "The Landing" and it has nothing to do with the space shuttle, you might live in St. Louis.

If you've worn shorts and a parka at the same time, you might live in St. Louis.

If you've had a lengthy telephone conversation with someone who dialed a wrong number, you might live in St. Louis.

If you measure distance in hours instead of miles, you might live in St. Louis.

If you have switched from 'heat' to 'A/C' in the same day and back again, you might live in St. Louis.

If you drive 75 mph through 2 feet of snow during a raging blizzard for some White Castles, you might live in St. Louis.

If you take I-Farty-Far to Six Flags, you might live in St. Louis.

If you know what/where the Piasa Bird is, you might live in St. Louis.

If someone says concrete and you think of Ted Drewes instead of pavement, you might live in St. Louis.

If the speed limit on the highway is 55 mph -- you're going 80 and everybody is passing you, you might live in St. Louis.

If you've ever skipped school, work, or even a court-date because you had tickets to an afternoon Cards you might live in St. Louis.

If you can say the words "Cahokia Mounds" and not think of a candy bar or boobies, you might live in St. Louis.

If driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled with snow, you might live in St. Louis.

If you know all 4 seasons: almost winter, winter, still winter and road construction, you might live in St. Louis.

If you have more miles on your snow blower than your car, you might live in St. Louis.

Okay, I'm horrible with jokes too, so I googled good puns and this is what I ended up with (if there are any repeats here from others, sorry):
I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger then it hit me.
Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and ill show u A-flat minor.
What did the grape say when it got stomped on.Nothing but it let out a little wine.(whine)
The bicycle couldnt stand on its on cuz it was 2 tired.
The butcher backed up into his meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.
A prisoner's favorite punctuation mark is the period. It marks the end of his sentence
When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds
To hats were hanging on a hat wall one said to the other u stay here ill go on a head.
like European food so I decided to Russia over there because I was Hungary. After Czech'ing the menu I menu I ordered Turkey. When I was Finnished I told the waiter 'Spain good but there is Norway I could eat another bite'.
To many girls the word marriage has a nice ring to it
He bent over to pick up a sieve and strained himself.

Hope some of those are new for Don Nancy, and count me in the group sending happy, get-well thoughts your way.

I feel compelled to note the bad grammar is not mine, I did ye olde copy and paste.

Grandchild special:

A large handsome green amphibian hops into a bank and asks to see a loan officer.

The receptionist figures it's a joke and sends him to the loan department newbie, Patricia Black.

"Hello, Ms. Black," says the frog, "I'm looking for a $5,000 loan."

"Hmmmmmmm," thinks young Ms. Black, and, no fool she, reasons, "this must be a gag."

"Well, we make loans here, sir, but I must say I've never been asked to make a loan to a frog before. Do you have any way guarantee the loan? Something valuable for collateral?"

The frog stretches out a four-fingered hand and drops . . . something . . . on Ms. Black's desk.

She has no idea what it is. But she is nothing if not resourceful. Patricia excuses herself to take the . . . collateral . . . to the Loan Department manager.

"Ms. Coughlin, there's a frog at my desk wanting a loan from us, and offering . . . this . . . as collateral, but I don't know what THIS is."

Ms. Coughlin looks at the object, at the younger woman, and says, "It's a knick-knack, Patty Black. Give the frog his loan."

The Sesame Street schoolbus with Kermit driving is on it’s way to school, picking up kids on the route. The first pick-up it two best-friends, chubby girls both named Patricia. The next pick-up is a handicapped boy named Ross. Then a little boy named Lester Sneed gets on, takes his shoes off and starts picking at his feet!
Kermit gets distracted by this and swerves off the road into a ditch. Highway patrol comes along and radios in that there has been a bus accident. The dispatcher asks him is anyone was on the bus, he responds yes:
Two all-beef Patties, Special Ross, Lester Sneed picking bunions on the Sesame Street Bus.

I hope everything is going okay for Jeff. I'm sending virtual hugs and good wishes for you both.

I'm not very good with jokes, either. I have the same affliction as you, Nancy. Not remembering the punch line or leaving out the parts to make it funny. But there are three jokes I'm pretty sure I can remember correctly, and luckily I can type and review to make sure they're funny (at least to me).


Told to me by a 3rd grader:

If you're an American outside the bathroom, what are you when you get in? European

And what are you if you've had to wait awhile and finally get in? Russian

....................

The first dirty joke I remember:

It was a beautiful day, and a man decided to take his convertible out for a drive. He saw a lady in distress standing beside the road and stopped to ask if she needed a ride.
"Oui, Oui!" she said.
The man responded, "Not in my car, you don't."

.................

Now a favorite of mine (because I can actually remember this one):

A pig was running around the road, and a man pulled over to catch him. After the man caught the pig, a policeman pulled over to ask if he could help.
"Where can I take this pig?" the man asked the cop.
"Take him to the zoo," the cop answered.
The next day the policeman pulled over a car and saw the same man with the pig sitting in the front seat.
"I thought I told you to take the pig to the zoo," said the cop.
The man replied,"I did, and he liked it so much, we're going to Disneyland."

................

I hope Jeff has a speedy recovery. Good luck to you both.


And Hank, I hope you get better soon too.

A new island was discovered in the Pacific Ocean, inhabited by an entirely new race of people. The island was named Tridland and a few visitors were allowed on at a time. The islanders were taught English but never seemed very interested in the visitors. It was decided that these new people needed to find God. A priest was sent to the island, he had no luck getting the islanders to talk to him. A protestant minister was sent, again no one would talk to him. It was decided to send a Rabbi!
The Rabbi went to the island and decided to observe the natives first. He walked around and marveled at all of their rituals. One he found particularly interesting. On the path to the water hole the Trid's would walk there and a feral Trid would jump out of the bushes, run over and kick the Trid in the butt. Over and over he watched this occur. He kept walking the path himself hoping for enlightment.
Finally he hid out himself and when the feral Trid came running out to kick another native, the Rabbi ran over and grabbed him by the arm and asked "Why don't you ever run out and kick me?"
The response: "Silly Rabbi, kicks are for Trids."

A priest, a rabbi, a minister, and a nun walk into a bar.

The bartender turns, sees them, and asks, "What? Is this some kind of joke?"

Found some more . . .

Some people say that I'm superficial, but that's just on the surface.

On one hand, I'm indecisive; but on the other, I'm not.

If there's one thing I can't stand, it's intolerance.

The world's full of apathy, but I don't care.

Prejudiced people are all alike.

Those who judge others will burn in Hell!
Exageration is not all it's cracked up to be.

Evil is not all bad.

I'm still not sure if I understand ambiguity.

I always try to do things in chronological order.

A Plateau is the highest form of flattery.

I have a twin brother; he's identical, but I'm not.

Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement.

If you believe in telekenesis, raise my hands.

An oral contract isn't worth the paper its written on. -- Sam Goldwyn

It's Deja Vu all over again.
Yogi Berra

If we do not succeed, we run the risk of failure.
Vice President Dan Quayle

Here's something else:

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I'm schizophrenic,
and so am I.

ShaZAAM! You are all such lovely friends that I can hardly stand it. Thankyouthankyou.---I opened the laptop in the recovery room, and we managed to entertain several patients and at least nine nurses with the jokes that had been posted before 3. Tomorrow I will use the rest---and very gratefully.

The surgery went fine. "No surprises," says the surgeon, which I guess is a good thing. Jeff is groggy and not looking forward to what he calls "the indignities to come," but he's looking good.

Thank you for the many prayers and good wishes. You are all very dear to me tonight!

Such good news, Nancy!!

Not you typical running joke, but certainly some different, clean, mindless amusement:

www.mannequinchronicles, com


Best wishes, and good health to you both.

Nancy, I'm so glad to hear Jeff's surgery went smoothly and with no unexpected surprises. I hope his recovery is easy and complete.

Since someone else started the science jokes, here's another one:

How many radio astronomers does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They are not interested in that short wave stuff.

Checking in before bedtime, and seeing good news about Jeff. Hope the progress continues to run smoothly, and with as few indignities as possible.

Sleep well, Nancy. We are all holding you in our hearts tonight.

So sorry about what you and your husband are facing. Been there, done that.

This joke was a favorite among the chaplains I worked with at a hospital in NE.

Guy goes to the doctor and asks, "What can I do to live to be a hundred?"
The doc asks," Do you drink?"
"No."
"Do you smoke?"
"No."
"Do you chase women?"
"No."
"Then why the hell do you want to live to be a hundred?"

We would use that with patients who needed a good laugh and not some platitude.

Nancy, just saw your entry on "my" blog Saturday -- thanks to all my TLC sisters and brothers for the support and encouragement. I appreciate it (facing a family member's illness here also).
Hope all goes well -- any loved one of yours is loved by us all as well.
Hugs!

Great news Nancy.

And a great idea to request all these jokes.

He who laughs -- Lasts.

A line from the back of a Hallmark card I received:

"People who laugh a lot tend to live longer. That 'die laughing' thing? Total myth!"

Congrats to Jeff on his successful surgery. I'll be wishin' and prayin' for his successful recovery. Sending more hugs your way too!

Just checking in before bedtime...

Glad to hear there were no surprises. You will stay in the prayers for as long as you need.

I'm terrible at remembering jokes, although when I actually remember them, I can usually tell 'em ok. The only one I was remembering just now was the one Bea told, about why was six afraid of seven . . . darn!

So, I'll reach back to my grandmother's tales of growing up in Ohio around 1900. Whether this was from her actual experience or just a charming joke, I do not know.

"Johnny and his sister arrive at the schoolhouse after lessons have already begun. Johnny's overalls are a little the worse for wear. The teacher says, 'I see you're a little behind, Johnny.'
Johnny replies, 'You wouldn't if Sister had more safety pins.'"

All the best to you and Jeff, Nancy. May the news be better than expected and the future path of treatment less indignified than it might have been.

I hope it is not too late for a good joke. This one just came to me via Newfoundland and I LOVE it!


Widdle Wabbit

A precious little girl walks into a Pet-Smart shop and asks,
in the sweetest little lisp, between two missing teeth, "Excuthe me,
mithter, do you keep widdle wabbits?"


As the shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets down on his knees so that
he's on her level and asks, "Do you want a widdle white wabbit,
or a thoft and fuwwy, bwack wabbit, or maybe one like that cute widdle
bwown wabbit over there?"


She, in turn, blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her
hands on her knees, leans forward and says, in a tiny quiet voice,


"I don't think my python weally gives a thit."

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