Stand By Your Man...Or Not

Stand By Your Man...Or Not

By Sarah

I thought I'd heard it all with the saga of Mark Sanford, the hopeless romantic governor of South Carolina whose "walk" on the Appalachian Trail took him to Argentina and into the arms of a heavy browed TV  personality. I was patient even when he tearfully professed his love, referencing The Thornbirds and looking misty eyed aloft as he recalled the great sacrifice of breaking with his Latin lover. Granted, I was getting a bit tired after he began cataloging women with whom he came close but did not cross over the line, since in so doing he crossed the line into becoming an eighth grade girl scribbling in her diary.

But I could not take it when his ex Wall Street wife, Jenny, proclaimed that their marriage could still be saved. My first thought was...you patsy.

Yes, I know what you're going to say. I'm a bitch. (Whoa! There's a new one.) I'm one of those women who's harder on other women than on men. I'm a catty shrew. All of which would be correct, though I was  the above long before Jenny Sanford professed her marital fidelity.

Also, I do realize they have four boys, but what kids would want to have anything to do with a father who so publicly humiliated their mother? Kids aren't ignorant. There are other kids to fill them in and YouTube to show them the clips. They know their dad's an ass.

I'm just plain fed up with these wives sticking by their men. Jenny Sanford AT LEAST had the good grace not to literally "stand by" him as Mark publicly confessed his sins and declared his love. (Though one can't help but wonder if we would have been spared his water works if she had.) 

But it's been a long line of wronged women legitimizing their husbands' callous disregard for their dignity and feelings - Silda Spitzer, Elizabeth Edwards, Suzanne Craig (wife of bathroom gigolo, Larry Craig), Dina McGreevey (though she later divorced and sued) and last, but certainly not least, Hillary Clinton. Strong smart women - all saps.

What's wrong with these chicks?

How can Jenny Sanford face her husband across the breakfast table - never mind in the marital bed - after he proclaimed this other woman to be his soul mate? How did Hillary Clinton ever muster a smidgeon of respect for a man who inserted a cigar in an intern and then proclaimed it "tasty"? How does Elizabeth Edwards look herself in the mirror as evidence mounts that Rielle Hunter's baby is the daughter of her husband? (And kudos for you, John, for not lovingly welcoming your latest child. Nice.)

Are they on drugs? They must be.

Of course, the argument is one never knows what goes on in a marriage. That's true. I've had more than one friend reunite with her philandering husband for the sake of all sorts of things. But not one of those husbands held a press conference about it. Nor was a child born out of wedlock. Nor did he claim the other woman was his soulmate. Those guys who did feel that way got divorced and their ex wives, my friends, went on with their lives. Most have found other men and are very happy.

What I suspect is that the women who stay by their (in)famous husbands do so because they, too, like the limelight. Jenny Sanford must enjoy being a governor's wife. (She certainly worked hard enough on his campaign.) And because they feel some ownership of their husbands' success, they are not so willing to let it go - especially to another woman.

Did their husbands know that? Did John Edwards cheat on his cancer striken wife because he knew  there would be no repercussions at home? (On the campaign trail is another matter. I would say it is forever blocked.) I'm not suggesting that their errant ways are their wives' fault, but I am suggesting that a bubble of confidence, of immunity, might have prompted them to act in ways other husbands wouldn't have dared.

Whatever their reasoning, it's a bummer. For once I'd like to see an Elizabeth Edwards or Hillary Clinton stand up and say, "You bastard! Get out of my house and take the damn cat with you." Preferably to the sounds of some country music. Tammy Wynette - but not.

I want to see tail between the legs. I want to hear recorded late night phone calls from the likes of Mark Sanford begging forgiveness and then being taken by the ear to the microphone to apologize not only to his wife, but to all the truly faithful, committed gay couples whom - in his warped view - do not deserve the protections of the institution of marriage. I want to see Larry Craig in an apron and rubber gloves scouring the toilet in penance. (Though, that might very well be one of his fantasies.) I want John Edwards to be on call, 24/7, to draw his wife a bath and massage her feet.

And I want it all on YouTube.

Is that too much to ask for the mishandled cigar, the quick trip to South America?

Hardly.

Sarah

Just a reminder - THE PENNY PINCHERS CLUB - went on sale last week. This is the BIG week for sales, the one publishers care about (hint, hint.) BTW - The New York Daily News picked it as one of its "Great Summer Beach Reads." Quoth the Daily News: Penny Pinchers is "sweet and entertaining." Me. Sweet. Shows what they know.

ALSO!! If you're in the Montpelier, Vermont, area tonight, come on down to Bear Pond Books where I'll be reading and signing and blabbing away.

Comments

[William Simon]

Sarah said: "stand up and say, "You bastard! Get out of my house and take the damn cat with you."

There's a very bad pun in there, but I'd end up facing a Tart Firing Squad...:)

Sarah also said: "I want to see tail between the legs."

Isn't that how all this got started?!?!??!

Ohhhhhhhh boy.... I think I need coffee, stat!

Once upon a time, a puppy was playing all by himself by the railroad tracks. He heard a train coming his way, but ignored it. When he realized he was in danger, he couldn't get out of the way fast enough and the train nipped the tip of his tail. The puppy spun around to see what had happened, and the train crushed his skull.

Moral? Don't ever lose your head over a piece of tail....

Okay, okay, I'm going for the coffee now....

[JanetLynn13]

Ditto.

I don't understand getting back in bed with someone who has broken your trust and respect by cheating in a normal situation. But to do so after public humiliation as well? Where is her (their) self-respect?

And I just don't understand cheating. If he was so unhappy with his wife, why didn't he leave her before starting the affair? How can you live that lie? Plus, no one's that good - they have to know they are going to get caught. Especially someone in politics whose followed around by staff and reporters. It's just stupid.

[Laurie Moore]

Double ditto.

I couldn't share my home/bed/life with someone I knew didn't love me. At first, I was behind the governor's wife all the way (when she was standing up for herself). Now, I think she's pathetic, too. Wonder how she'll feel when the lights are off and he's over on the next pillow thinking about "the girl from Ipanema"?

As for their kids, I had a really good friend (deceased) whose father was a notorious philanderer, chasing girls his daughter's age. She learned how to blackmail him for nice things (read: "Everything you buy her, you also buy me.") and eventually married her own cheater. Not much comfort when you're on your deathbed. But I guess she picked someone like her father because that's the behavior she knew how to deal with and was most comfortable with. Go figure.

But that's not for me. Now that I'm the age I am, I realize that the single guys out there, are out there for a reason. I used to think all the good ones were taken until a guy I knew (who was cheating on his wife) told me, "Married men never leave their wives." Sometimes it's just easier to be home alone and not have to worry about that sort of thing.

[charles]

These women all seem to be reading from some smarmy script written, no doubt, but some souless political hack like James Carville. Time to burn the script and fire the writer.

I wonder what the script would be were the roles reversed. How would the husband of a governor respond if his governor wife were caught cheating?

[Ann Marie Gonsalves]

I wanted Hilliary to toss Bill's clothes out onto the Whte House lawn. I would have respected her more if she did.
These women are also looking at the wallet and checkbook and in a way I don't blame them for that.
What they need to do is realize that they are intelligent women and can make it on their own. They do not need that kind of husband to drag them down. Love should be lifting a partner up, not dragging her or him down.
So gals get rid of the baggage and get on with your life ecven if it means going at it alone but don't forget to take the checkbook and wallet first

[judy merrill larsen]

When this all first hit the news, I was cheering Jenny Sanford on--she didn't stand by his side, a brave smile pasted on her face; she said she'd kicked him out two weeks earlier; she said she didn't know (and didn't care) where he was. I want that Jenny back. It's true, no one ever really knows what goes on in the privacy of someone else's marriage, but when one partner is going on and on about soulmates and trying to fall back in love with his wife (WTF?), it's no longer private.

I put up with things in my first marriage that I'd never put up with today--but I was younger and had a baby and another on the way. And I loved him. But he didn't go on the news and blather about it and we eventually divorced anyway.

When it's all said and done, you've got to be able to face yourself (and your children). Just makes me wonder of any of these women ever look in a mirror. And if so, who do they see?

[kris]

Here's the country song those wives should be singing: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SWj3qKVCOc0 (It;s a fan video, no fancy graphics, but it's all about the lyrics.)

Many folks will say that the wives are handsomely rewarded for sticking by the philandering hubby - power, the spotlight, money. But I wonder which is worse for the kids to see - dad being a stupid ass for cheating, or mom selling her soul?

[xena]

Soooo....Laurie Laurie Laurie all the good ones are taken! And that old saying married gay or moving away is still true.
Remember the wenches motto: Men are all dogs. They think they can get away with what ever you let them get away with. Push their doggie noses in it enough and they'll learn what you'll accept as good behavior. Otherwise it's "Bad Boy!" and out to the doghouse!
Somewhere I'm remembering muff power.
I've been after the lumberjack type that lives down the street for a while. He works a loading crane at the docks...he works ALL the time. Finally when he stopped his car next to me to talk while I was walking Isaac Dog I said maybe he should call me the next evening. The old Cabaret Girl rule #3: Men have to call you 3 times a week at least and take you out once or more to get the cookie.
He did call. He called at 9:PM. I told him I was going to wash my hair and go to bed. He said well maybe he should have called earlier. Yeah...Dah now.
Truly I don't care if I ever have to deal with men again. Well unless they are paying my rent and have no secrets. They seem to think they can do whatever they want with whatever age they want and never feel guilty. Let's get out the choker collars now ladies!
Does that Argentine woman think her behavior is okay?
Do I hear barking?
Just saying.

[JanetLynn13]

There is no choker collar, Xena. Men can do what ever they want whenever they want. Not happy? Wife getting too old? Younger women looking your way? There's no reason to work at it, just cheat and/or get a divorce.

Women can do the same thing, but it seems they have more responsibility to their kids and family. Plus men have a much larger acceptable pool of women that can go 5, 10, 15, 20 years younger. So much easier and more attractive reasons to leave for men.

And shame on the women who cheat with married men. Have you no respect for the rest of us? And why do you want a man who cheats his wife? I'll never understand that.

Ticks me off. Can you tell?

[Ramona]

Hey now, there is no need to be dissing my pal Carville. If he were messing around, his mother, Miss Nippy, would rise from the grave and slap his bald head until it glowed like the sun.

[Pam aka SisterZip]

If your fooling around with a married man and you think he will leave his wife for you, just stop and think. Do you really want a guy that will just drop one wife to be with another? What will he do when he gets tired of you?

Maybe Jenny Sanford is just lining up her ducks so she can get the best out of the deal without going through a long, painful separation. Work out the settlement with him on the premises and keep him off guard. I know she is the one with the money, but there is a lot at stake here. She probably doesn't care much about the noteriety now, but you just can't up and leave a mess like this to the lawyers. They have to work out some sort of agreement. And what better way than have him under your thumb, right in front of you?

I have always thought it was good for young women to have an affair with a married man. That way you get to know first hand what the lies are, how the bahavior shows itself, and how the jerk acts while he is cheating. That way when you get married, you will be able to spot the signs.

I dated a married man for about 6 months. But my situation was special. I had her permission. They were staying together for their son & economic reasons. They had separate rooms and approved each others dates. A very weird situation, to say the least.

[kathy sweeney]

At the risk of inciting violence, there are ways to curtail a cheater's future activities. I saw it's time some of these dicks were subject to a sharp rebuke.

[kathy sweeney]

oops. I meant 'see' not 'saw'. Although...

[Sarah]

Pam! What a story.

No. I never understood the dating a married man thing although I have a close friend who did and they eventually married - have been married for many, many years. (Though he DID have a long standing affair in that time.)

Here's my question - where do people our age get the energy? I mean, I know this might sound stupid, but it's enough for me to just work/housestuff/cook/kids and make Charlie (see above) happy. Adding another man to the mix? Uh, no thanks.

Hey - maybe that's why married men cheat and married women don't! Unless, you know, there are special circumstances.

Laurie - don't give up hope. There are some nice guys out there.

Who has the lumberjack? That sounds good!

[Ramona]

At the risk of sounding ironic....

Maybe Jenny Stanford is a genuinely religious person who took her marriage vows with real faith, and is now trying to forgive her husband's transgressions because she believes that is the right thing to do, in keeping with her own beliefs.

[charles]

Great image, Ramona, and something I would sorely like to see!

And admit it, we like Carville cause he's so fun to listen to ("You can call the dogs in, wet the fire, and leave the house. The hunt is over.") But soul? nahhhhh.

[michele]

McNair sure paid for his sins. A few more of those and we'd see a decrease in cheating. Too bad his wife and kids have to pay, too.

By shifting the focus to how the wives handle the cheating, we're taking the spotlight off the men, aren't we? Doesn't it say a lot about where the relative power still lies in our society that so many supposedly empowered women stick this ugly situation out -- even someone as strong as Hillary Clinton? I'm not going to criticize till I walk a mile in their shoes (hopefully that WON'T be happening any time soon).

[Pam aka SisterZip]

Amen, Michele! No one really knows what goes on behind closed doors.

And Harley, Storyteller Mary? See yesterday's post for the whole story.

[Lynn Parker]

Per Ramona....."Hey now, there is no need to be dissing my pal Carville. If he were messing around, his mother, Miss Nippy, would rise from the grave and slap his bald head until it glowed like the sun."

That made me laugh so loud people in my office were looking at me. LMAO!

I have been the "intended" of the husbands of two friends over the years. Needless to say I no longer associate with them. I am sure they are on to other women who will play their silly games. I consider myself a very forgiving person. . Forgive? Sure. Forget? Never. I understand that men ARE the weaker sex. I don't understand why they are so dumb that they think they will not get caught!

[Tom`]

Some pols are in the game because they need to win. Doesn't matter what, they just need to win. A secure person wouldn't need that kind of validation. Athletes, actors, musicians, financial wizards . . . same thing.

Fame does bad things to insecure people. I was involved with someone well-known in her field, and her star seemed to be rising. Yeah, there were problems, yeah, it was a very up-and-down relationship, but when it was good it was really good.

I thought.

Turns out she was cheating every time she was on a road trip, and sometimes when she was home. When I learned that, a lot of things about her hunger for recognition fell into place.

So you're absolutely right, Sarah, pols' errant ways are not at all their wives' fault.

[Debby]

This was my parents situation. I have an older half brother (before dad met mom), that he never told us about.

Dad left, and moved in with her when I was 13. And introduced his 'eldest' son. She returned to her husband, dad came crawling back.

She left her husband again, dad left. She left dad for another man, and he couldnt understand why. Returned again to mom.

Decided he didn't need counseling, and after one fight I witnessed, I packed his bags. Told my mom no more, and she realized that it was okay to not keep trying.

Six years later she married her Sunday School teacher. Whom I have known longer. :) He is the best.

Sarah...if I ever get up your way, I may have to stop in Vergennes to see if the half brother is still alive or what.

[storyteller Mary]

Kristin Lems has a great song with the lesson, "The only one you can stop him from seeing is you."
Kacey Jones offers "I Keep Missin' My Man (but my aim is improving)" (or something like that) and "Every Man I Love (is either married, gay, or dead)"
Yeah, home alone isn't all that bad . . .

[gaylin in vancouver]

Stand by your cheater . . . not a chance. Ewwww, the attraction would just die. Keep that thing away from me. Sap is the right word for these women, if they were such a strong religious couple and are working on the relationship - where were his beliefs when he dropped trou?
Home alone works for me.
Years ago I was interested (very) in a divorced guy, since I was divorced as well, no big deal. We went on one amazing date. Then I found out that yes, he was divorced - he was also in his second marriage! Bad boy, no cookie. Last I heard he was on his third marriage, not a big surprise.

[Rita Scott]

Last week I got a message from a guy on a dating site. He's married but travels to my town quite often on business & is looking for a 'friend with benefits'. I told him I saw no benefit in that relationship. Try flirting with your wife!
Changed my profile to read "married men need not apply. Put your energy into your marriage!"
Ex#1 was a cheater & I always swore I'd never be 'the other woman'.
At least you can get tomcats fixed & keep them in the house! LOL

[Lynn Parker]

I just recalled something my Dad once told me....I think it would apply now: "If I had killed him when I first wanted to I'd be out of jail by now." I kinda like that. Just sayin'