PARTY ON!

Party On!

by Harley

As my city prepares for the King of Pop’s send-off, I was reminded of a Tennessee newspaper last week reporting the average cost of a Tennessee funeral ($7,807, not including cemetery plots, monuments, flowers, or extras like opening and closing the grave).

That got me Googling. I found a website called FuneralWise.com that features a test to determine your send-off’s pricetag--putting the “fun” back into “funeral.”

First, you choose between Cemetery Burial, Mausoleum Entombment, Cremation, Donation to Medical Science and Other. For kicks, I went with Mausoleum. (Imagine if Romeo and Juliet had been cremated--no 5^th act.) I picked a Traditional Service and Public Viewing, then got a little crazy with the side orders: embalming, DNA sample and even out-of-town transportation (in case I die on a nice beach on Maui). My grand total?  $12,605.

Of course, that’s very ballpark-y. Caskets, e.g., vary widely. There’s one online called Shalom Hazel, marked down to $980, in contrast to the Opulent Mahogany with grape leaf carvings and velvet interior, for $5,396.

But let’s say you have no friends (“interment only”), wisely die in your hometown, and give your body to science. That brings your cost down to $355. You just saved 12 grand.

But not so fast! In some cases, cause of death or condition of your body may disqualify it from body-donation programs. Bummer. I’ve spent my entire professional life auditioning. Must it go on after death?

Which brings me to my sofa story.

I bought a new sofa last week. Since delivery guys don’t haul away the old sofa, like they do with dishwashers, I dialed a charity that had sent a flyer soliciting furniture donations.

“What is your sofa’s condition?” a volunteer asked.

“Pretty good.” Given that it’s held babies, kittens, puppies, and the occasional passed-out drunk for a dozen years.

“Well, the driver will be the judge of that,” she said. “Furniture acceptance is at the driver’s discretion. Where will the sofa be?”

“Uh, my den.”

“No. The driver will not enter the house. The sofa must be on the street or in the driveway.”

“Wait,” I said. “You mean I have to hire someone to get my sofa out of my house, and then, if the driver rejects it, hire them to move it back into my house?”

“Yes.”

Okay, so Reduce, Re-use, Recycle is easier said than done. I foisted the old sofa upon my friend Yara’s cleaning lady’s son, only to find the new sofa made our beloved rocking chair look grungy. So I took it to the upholsterer. Even using discounted scraps, the upholstery fee exceeds the chair’s value.

But back to coffins. Here Reduce, Re-use, Recycle means casket rental. Say you’re cremating Aunt Tiffany, but want a nice wake/viewing first. Aunt Tiffany is placed in a cardboard liner, which is loaded into the casket. After the party, Aunt Tiffany and her cardboard liner are removed for cremation. Casket rental also is available for memorial services prior to burial, but some families are reportedly dismayed to learn their loved one will be buried in the plastic tub liner used with a rental casket.

Not my family. Dad’s in a grave in Wilkes-Barre, Mom’s scattered over Lake Superior and some Norwegian fjord, and nobody, to my knowledge, ever expressed interest in the transportation methods. Certainly no Kozak has been heard to exclaim, “I’d kill for that casket.”

So put me down for the body donation audition, followed by coffin-free cremation. My survivors are hereby instructed to use the savings on a party with free-flowing martinis. Shaken, not stirred. And to re-upholster the furniture.

Happy Monday!

Harley

 

Comments

[Peg H]

It's donated to science or body bag and burn me. No way do I want any money wasted on my mortal remains. We have no kids and I hate funerals, I've attended far too many lately.

[Elizabeth Spann Craig]

Great story!

I was in your boat with the sofa just 3 weeks ago. I was so surprised when the charity asked me if the sofa was in good shape!

Recycling sometimes is pretty tough. But my children (who apparently are brainwashed at school to recycle), will fuss at me if I don't do it.

Elizabeth
http://mysterywritingismurder.blogspot.com/

[William Simon]

Donation, cremation, and one hell of a party are my instructions. No morbid nonsense. Lots of Beatles, Rolling Stones, and John Barry to be played, really REALLY loud. Martinis and scotch and root beer, fajitas and pizza and pasta on the menu. Laughter, not tears, will be the order of the day....

[Kathy Sweeney]

I wonder if there is a teaching hospital some where that would take all our corpses, sight unseen, if we can promise some very interesting cadaver conditions for their students?

Or - a Drug Co. A group of livers in varying conditions, for example, might prove invaluable to some future clinical trial.

Then, when they make a major medical discovery, they can call it the TLC Breakthrough.

Anyone care to start the research? I'd ask Margie, but her record on appearing at work on holiday Mondays is sketchy at best.

[Cinema Dave]

30 years ago, I thought I wanted a Viking Funeral, like Kirk Douglas in "The Vikings" while a band plays "The Long and Winding Road."

Now I prefer to leave this world like Yoda or Obi Won Ben Kenobi. Just disappear.

[JanetLynn13]

Did you know you can order a casket from Costco? Haven't talked to anyone who has, yet...

[Robin]

Shalom Hazel? Since when are you Jewish? Actually, we do things right--if you're really religious, you're buried in a plain pine box....which we did with my dad, since we covered it anyway with an American Flag--he was a WWII vet. Glad you are posting links to your blog on Facebook--so I actually remember to read it! How are the lemons?

[Me, Margie]

Hi. It's Me, Margie.

Ex-CUSE me, but I am HERE. ALONE. Doing all the work, as usual just saying.

And I want everyone to notice that I am totally BEHAVING myself in this comment. Seriously.

How did everyone's fireworks go?

[judy merrill larsen]

I'm with the donation/cremation crowd and a big party. As for your sofa (and anything else), my college-age kids have turned me on to freecycle.org--you list your stuff, people come and get it. We've gotten rid of mattresses and box springs and a few other things. College kids aren't very picky (as evidenced by my younger son getting his full-size boxspring from the Salvation Army store (he was pleased because they don't charge tax . . . so it only cost $7.50). I spent about $50 buying him the thickest, plastic-coated mattress cover I could find.

[Jennifer]

I've decided that I'm going to be cremated and then have my ashes put into two baggies (one for each daughter - or three if I have another baby...). Then those baggies will be stuffed into Build-A-Bears so that anytime my girls want a hug from mom, I'm always there!

Very funny post, though - I had to share this with my dad!

~ Jennifer
http://thetoyboxyears.blogspot.com/

[hollygee]

There is a forensic school in Texas that needs corpses -- they haven't been around as long as the Tennessee school and don't yet have a backlog of bodies.
I'm still carrying around my mother's ashes in my car. She died in 2005. I think this is a good year to do something about her. I know that I'm right on the Pacific ocean front, but I keep on replaying the Big Lebowski in my mind.
Maybe I'll multitask and add Mom to the soil of the plant that I'm putting over my cat's grave (Mom has a crape myrtle planted in memory of her in North Carolina). And we did have a nice party.

[hollygee]

http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=105479033

The article that said that they need bodies.

[Harley]

Hollygee, is your mom in the glove box? Or the trunk? Not a backseat driver, surely?

Boy, that freecycle.org is a real find. Had I but known 2 weeks ago . . . .

[Harley]

Oh -- William, your funeral sounds like fun. I'll let you come to mine if I can come to yours.

[William Simon]

You've got a deal, Miss H!

Personally, I plan on haunting all the Tarts; nothing too serious or scary, just an otherworldly supervision kind of thing, to make sure the Books Keep On Coming....

[Cinema Dave]

Do you remember in the late seventies, there were Body Snatchers? One group got as far as kidnapping Charlie Chaplin's body and held it for ransom!

There were a couple of other deceased movie stars that were dug up. In fact, John Wayne was laid to rest in an unmarked grave for many years for that reason.

Of course, there is the story about W.C. Fields and several others who kidnapped the late John Barrymore for one final drink.

When I disappear like Yoda or Obi Won Ben Kenobi, I would like people to drink to me, drink to my health, because you know I won't drink anymore....(Picasso's Last Words).

[Book Tarts]

Funny post, Harley, but I hope a funeral is a decision you won't have to make for a long, long time.
Getting charity organizations to take large used furniture is difficult. Don's mother lived in a small town with lots of old people. When she died, the local charities wouldn't take anything, no matter what shape it was in.
Elaine Viets

[Alan P.]

They still get you if you want an Orthodox Jewish funeral. The "plainest" of the plain boxes was about $200 when my father died in 2001. It was also so ugly no one would want it. The next plainest was about twice that, but you could look at it during the service.

My brother is a wood worker. I keep telling the wife that I am going to have Bobby make me a coffin and use it as an end table until the time comes. Wife not really going for that. But, hay, why not get some use out of it first?

We joke that cemeteries are the family business. Two of the wifes cousins manage three of St. Louis's Jewish cemeteries. One cousin took over when another cousin retired. I will try to tell one of his stories as politely as possible. Retiring cousin told the new guy to always get 100% from Russians before the funeral. Russian immigrants pay in cash, but try to pay as little as possible. It is completely possible to see a line of black Lexuses pull up and then ask for a discount because they are new to America. One day, there is a Russian to be buried and the bill is not paid. They go back and forth until cousin says, Missouri law says a burial needs to be paid in full before the ceremony. Out comes a breifcase of cash and the Rabbi can begin.

[Pam aka SisterZip]

I have a feeling that after these past two weeks, I will have people cheering at my funeral.

[Harley]

Alan P., my Slovak grandfather was in the funeral business too, back in the day. My aging cousins still remember living in the funeral home. Good times . . .

[Kathy Sweeney]

Is it just me, or does anyone else thing "Shalom Hazel" would be a great name for a band?

[Kadi]

My mom had a rare cancer and decided to donate her body to science. The research facility kicked in $600 for a memorial service so we had a service, two pictures of my mom, dad's favorite and mine, a stack of books, a statue of her puppy and flowers in irreverent mugs and teapots depicting the things she loved most, kitties, race cars and St. Louis Cardinal baseball. The service was short, fun and we retired back to the house for a rousing barbeque with lots of food, beer and laughter. I'm pretty sure she would have enjoyed it. She always did love a great party. As soon as it was over I sent in my donation paperwork to the same research facility. I have the donation cards passed out to my kids and in my wallet. I think the best service is one someone else pays for. I hope my kids use the insurance money to do something really fun.

[Cinema Dave]

Kathy Sweeney wrote;
"..is it just me, or does anyone else think "Shalom Hazel" would be a great name for a band?"

I can hear them perform at the Bal Harbor Jewish-Mexican restaurant in Miami Beach. The name of the restaurant is;
"CASA HADASSAH."

:P

[Lynn Parker]

I, for one, do not want to be cremated. If I had any doubts about that they were laid to rest (sorry!) last week at my aunt's memorial service. In the past I have attended services for cremated folks whose inurnments (yep--that's what's its called---not internment when you are cremated) were done with taste. That is, their final resting vessel was placed into the cemetary plot. So after the memorial service for my Aunt which took place in an lovely,historic Episopal church she was to be inurned in their memorial garden. They dug a hole and the Deacon kneeled down and OPENED UP A PLASTIC BAG WITH MY AUNT'S ASHES IN IT AND PUT SOME INTO THE GROUND. I was overcome with a huge and extemely loud sob---I was simply horrified at the thought of this beautiful, smart, amazing red headed Aunt Dotty Ann being scooped out of a zip lock bag into the ground. Ashes to ashes my ass. It was ugly and cruel to me.

Therefore please purchase a low to mid-priced box for my coffin, have a service in our church with lovely music then bury me in the family plot at the cemetary. Afterwards PARTY for as long as you can with GOOD drinks, GOOD food and GREAT music---spare no expense for entertaining whomever remains to celebrate my life. And please put my walking shoes in the coffin because when I get where I am going I will have a lot of people to visit.

[Pam aka SisterZip]

Lynn, that was incredibly insensitive. If you don't put the entire urn in, don't do it.

I am rather weird in that I find cemetaries to be comforting and I love the history of familys, communities that they show. But I still haven't decided what I want to do. I think Dear Hubby & I will probably be cremated & put in the same plot in the church cemetary, close to my grandparents, aunts & uncles, and my parents.