Oh, Baby

Oh, Baby

By Elaine Viets

I like baby pictures. I adore photos of little kids with innocent eyes, toothless smiles and tiny hats. Their parents and grandparents are almost as cute. They glow with pride. It’s fun to see people who are happy. Too many of my friends are worried about bills, mortgages and medical problems.

There’s another advantage: Baby pictures don’t drool, slobber or need diapers.

When someone hands me an actual baby, I’m terrified. What if I drop her? What if she throws up on me? Usually, the kid bursts into tears and is quickly passed back to her mother.

My own mother used to say "I like children – other people’s. In short doses." Everyone thought she was kidding, except her four children.

I am childless by choice. Not every man is meant to be a mechanic or a farmer. Not every woman is meant to be a mother. I figured it was better to be honest and not torment some poor child.

My maternal instincts are spent admiring friends’ and families’ baby pictures. I say "aw" or "she’s adorable," and mean it. In the rare cases when the kid is seriously homely, I use my all-purpose compliment: "He looks just like you." This makes parents beam.

For some reason, my husband Don is deficient in the art of baby admiration. Tots bring out his inner W.C. Fields. He doesn’t hate babies, or insult them on purpose. He just doesn’t know what to say about them.

At first, Don tried honesty. When a St. Louis neighbor produced her bundle of joy, Don said, "He looks like Winston Churchill."

The mother was shocked speechless.

Don looked as innocent as the baby. "What did I do wrong?" he said later. "The kid was a dead ringer. All he needed was a cigar and he could have given the blood, sweat, toil and tears speech."

"The baby is too young to talk. Churchill was a fat drunk. Mothers like their babies to be complemented."

"Churchill was a great man."

Don tried. He really did. Once we were deep in the Ozark mountains at a resort. We’d wandered back into the kitchen for more coffee. One of the staffers had brought in her baby. All the workers were admiring the child. I did the required cooing. Don plinked the kid’s head like a melon.

I could see the outrage in the new mother’s face.

"Gotta run," I said, and hauled Don out of there.

"What did I do wrong now?" he asked.

"You don’t plink a baby’s head."

"I couldn’t help it. I used to work in the produce department. The kid looked like a cantaloupe."

"Couldn’t you say something nice?"

"It was a baby. It looked like every other baby."

"Not to his mother."

"It smelled funny. Can’t they wait to show the kid off until he’s housebroken?"

"Next time say something nice," I advised. "Something the parents will love."

One of our friends produced her offspring, a baby girl in a welter of pink ruffles.

I said, "She’s adorable."

Don said, "She looks like Dwight Eisenhower."

Mom’s face crumpled. I was afraid she’d start bawling like her infant.

"Don’s an only child," I explained. "He’s not around babies much. Sorry, we have to leave."

I dragged him out of the room.

"What did I say wrong?" Don asked. "The kid is bald. She looks like Dwight in drag."

"Most babies are bald. You don’t say they look like Eisenhower."

"But her parents are Republicans."

"It was a girl baby."

"Are you against women in the military?"

"No, I just wish you’d learn how to handle babies."

"Why? I’m not running for office."

Comments

[Harley]

Elaine, I must agree. I thought my own babies were breathtaking, but most babies--even blood relatives--are all variations on a theme: hair, no hair, curly hair, straight hair, no hair, one or two sad strands of hair. Some are plump, some are scrawny. All are beautiful, but in a very baby-esque way. I love cuddling them, but there aren't a lot of descriptive phrases beyond "cute" that apply. And a lot of them really do look like Churchill.

I applaud you for knowing you didn't want children and not letting conventional ideals tell you otherwise. I feel selfish, having had 3.

[Peg H]

I am not maternal. And although we tried for years to have kids and I suffered one heartbreak after another, now all I can think of is thank goodness we never succeeded.

DH, an only child, is more apt to hold someone's baby than I am. When someone attempts to hand their child off to me, I tell them, "No, thank you. I don't do babies."

However, give me a puppy or a kitten and I'm in heaven.

[Book Tarts]

Peg, we are sisters under the skin.
Harley, you enjoy your children so much. Your family Christmas cards are masterpieces. There's no way you're selfish. Besides, you had my quota.
Elaine Viets

[Laura (in PA)]

So funny, Elaine.

I only had one, and my husband has two. I wanted more, but it didn't work out that way. I have friends who decided not to have children, and it's amazing how much flack they get from people.

I love babies, but hubby and I have gone the dog route instead, lol. At least we don't have to worry about paying for college.

[William Simon]

Elaine, you just described me perfectly. There is something to be said having the distinct advantage of passing the kid back when the diaper fills or the tantrum starts or the burping becomes serious.

Like Peg and Elaine, we're Pet People. The advantages are numerous; no college funds, no one comes home and says "Guess what?", no strangers at the door saying "Guess what?", no phone calls at 11pm that start with "Don't worry, I'm okay," etc etc etc. Knowing how God does indeed have a sense of humor about such things, I have always believed if children had come along, He would have personally seen to it I got daughters... and we can all guess what a mess THAT would have been.

Pets have their own concerns. George Carlin did a routine once on dogs: "You go to the store, hand over twenty bucks, they put this little bundle of fur in your arms, those eyes hit you, and you realize they've lied to you your whole life: you CAN buy Love. Total, unconditional, accepting Love." (long pause) "BULLSHIT! You've just purchased a f---ing family tragedy in twelve years!"

As usual, Carlin nailed it perfectly....

[kris]

Don sounds like my husband. He mellowed after we started having kids, but prior to that, he was a clueless wonder. He would come home from work and say, "Sarah brought her baby in today. I petted it." (Which is made even funnier by the fact that he is most definitely NOT a dog person.)

His most memorable faux pas was when I showed him a picture of a friend's baby. Yes, the kid was homelier than hell, but we were in mixed company, so I said something like, "Look at that smile. He's so happy!" To which the husband replied, "You'd be happy too, if you looked like that and people still fed you."

[smr33]

Glad to hear my husband isn't the only man who believes all newborn babies look like Winston Churchill. He even said it about his own children.

[Kathy Sweeney]

I am a baby holder. In fact, when new parents need a break and I'm in the room, they head for me like a lighthouse.

I think the explanation is two-fold: I believe I was someone's nanny in a previous life, including the natural feeding part. It still happens to me on occasion. Plus, I am built exactly like a lazy-boy recliner for babies. Throw in my high body temp, and the fact that I am usually humming some kind of lullaby, and it's a baby amusement park.

[PK the Bookeemonster]

My husband didn't want kids and I wasn't overwhelmingly urged to have any so we keep the toys for ourselves. :) And have a big dog.
But I'm good with babies. Very good. I babysat a LOT and managed a kids' photo studio for a couple years, taking many many pix of kids in all stages, coaxing smiles, etc. But... one can definitely reach a "baby quota" having that experience, and I hit it and walked away. It is truly amusing to stand back and watch people around babies. Brains sometimes just go to a completely different place for some.
I think the only regret I'll have is not having someone to be a companion like kids can be when we're older. But overall, the choice has been a good choice.

[Laura (in PA)]

Lol, Kathy - I think I want to sit in your lap!

[Pam aka SisterZip]

See, that is what makes being a grandparent so much fun. You get to hold, smell, cuddle, feed, yes, even change diapers and then you get to hand them back.

My cousin's daughter-in-law had a post birth baby shower and after everyone had their fill, I got to hold the little sucker for two whole hours. Being large, um, chested, helps with holding babys. They just snuggle right in and fall asleep. It was heaven.

[Karen Olson]

We've always said that newborns look like Winston Churchill, or like little old Chinese men.

I never wanted kids...until I was told I couldn't have them.

Now I have a beautiful 12 year old whom we adopted in China when she was 13 months old. We missed that first year, and from what I've learned about first years, I'm not at all sorry. And no, kids don't come with instruction manuals. My only hope is that my daughter doesn't need as much therapy as I did.

[Laurie Moore]

Elaine: "He looks just like you." Wonderful save. I used that one yesterday and didn't even know it.

I never wanted kids either, until I was almost 30. I loved mine but was too busy raising her father to want any more. Eventually, one of them had to go, so I kept her and threw him out with the bathwater.

And having only one is a misnomer, because they bring their friends home. Suddenly, you have five or six screaming kids in your house.

Speaking of babies...we all got the www.cakewrecks.blogspot.com website last week when Nancy wrote about her daughter's upcoming wedding. But did anyone besides me bother to go there and look at all the hideous cakes? Look on the right side and scroll down until you get to the baby cakes. OMG! That one looks just like a real baby on top of a cake, and who wants to cut into the kid? It's so real it's borderline ghastly.

When you're done, check out the one called "When Brides Have No Budget (Or Taste)". It's hysterical funny. But I digress.

[kris]

Karen, having acquired kids both biologically & through adoption, I can assure you that while the first year definitely has some special moments, it's still nice to get a kid who has settled into this business of life.

If your daughter was anything like my first (both my girls are adopted - China at 11 months, Russia at 3 years), then you didn't really miss out on a full year's development, since they have so much catching up to do. You probably still saw a far higher proportion of those "firsts" than would be expected of your typical non-SWI kiddo.

And I will forever be grateful to the nannies who taught our girl to sleep well!!

[Marcia in OK]

As our family's amateur geneologist I've noticed that if you take a persons baby picture and sit it beside a picture of themselves in their last years, they look remarkably alike.

Elaine, I wish others would follow their natural instincts and not have kids if they don't want/can't handle the responsibility. Week in and week out, I see people that SHOULD NOT have had children. So much suffering.

I'm not a dog person, so I went the kids route - but waited til I was older to have them - thank goodness! They'd have been a mess if I'd had them when I was younger.

[Marcia in OK]

Sorry for those grammatical errors. I need coffee!

[Book Tarts]

My friends who are grandparents (and a few are great-grandparents) tell me grandchildren are the best. They love holding the babies -- and turning them back to their parents when the kids get cranky.
Kathy, you make me laugh, as always.
Elaine Viets

[Luce]

Being an Auntie is almost as good as being a grandparent, plus you don't have to go through having a kid yourself. I love taking them places (just did a week long road trip with 3 teenagers!) then turn them back in. I strive to be the Cool Aunt...

[Doc in CA]

I like babies, altho they don't get really interesting and fun until they reach the toddler stage.

Thanks to a brother 7 years younger than myself and lots of younger cousins, I'm pretty handy around babies, for a guy who never had any kids (that I know of) himself.

I can change diapers, bottle feed, burp, rock them to sleep, sing to them, etc. I had a pretty big hand in raising all my nephews and nieces.

So, babies, I'm good with.

Teenagers...them I alternately want to laugh at or swat upside the head.

[Book Tarts]

Cool Auntie is a very good role, Luce, and I achieved it by giving the kids rides in my old Jaguar. Their mothers gave them strict instructions not to drip ice cream on the leather seats, etc. So far, I've refrained from giving bass drums and ant farms as gifts, but the temptation is strong.
Elaine Viets

[Laurie Moore]

Marcia in OK: "...not have kids if they... can't handle the responsibility." I got a really ugly visual of Octo-Mom.

Elaine, I think grandparent is a good role. My daughter's getting married next Memorial Day weekend 2010, and because her husband-to-be can't make me one teeny-tiny promise, I've decided to name any children they may have. And told them so. They're not happy about this. I told them they could name their children anything they wanted, but that I was giving them my own names and would call them by the names I give them when they're with me. I also think I'll attach money prizes if they'll insist that their parents refer to them by those names.

*Hijack*- OMG! A friend just called. One of my ex-boyfriend's lost his 3rd wife last week under mysterious circumstances. Investigation still pending. Which is horrific since he lost his 2nd wife (who I introduced him to) under mysterious circumstances two years ago, right after he took out a gazillion dollar life insurance policy on her...think I'll go listen to Garth Brooks' "Unanswered Prayers" about five times in a row and thank heavens it wasn't me. Can you say "Drew Peterson"?

[Laurie Moore]

Elaine, another excellent gift choice is to give them their first puppy. That will put you in the Rockin' Cool Aunt Hall of Fame.

[Pam aka SisterZip]

Oh, Laurie, how sad! Thank God you got rid of him!

A guy I worked with at Dairy Queen during high school is in prison for murdering someone he just picked up off the road. The victim was changing a flat and this guy stopped to "help" and killed him. No details were released; he pled guilty to stay alive. He was the sweetest guy in the world. So gentle & polite to all of us girls and the guys really liked hanging around with him. Makes you wonder what happens to people.

[Rita Scott]

Laurie, yes, I thought of Drew Peterson too! But I do like the idea of the puppy gift! Just add a bag of food, collar & leash, cheaper than a guinea pig cage!
Now a hijack, back to "Party On" OMG! ewwww!
'Goody bags' creepy and inconvenient
By Judith Martin

07/03/2009

Dear Miss Manners — A friend recently attended the funeral of an acquaintance. During the service, silver trays were passed with small silk bags on them, and each guest was encouraged to take one.

She'd been to a funeral where everyone had been given a bubble wand, and during the service they all blew bubbles, so she figured some similar high-jinx were afoot.

Later in the service, it was announced that the bags contained the "cremains" of the dearly departed, who could now remain for all eternity with friends and loved ones.

My friend was appalled, as you can imagine. She was there out of courtesy more than affection; she was not close to the departed and knew him only through her work.

What on earth is she supposed to do with this "gift"?

[Book Tarts]

OMG, Rita. Talk about making an ash of yourself. Bags of ashes at the funeral. Although there are people here in Florida who wear their pets' ashes in necklaces around their necks.
Laurie, how sad and frightening about your former boyfriend.
Elaine Viets