Help! My Husband is a Sex God.

Help! My Husband is a Sex God

By Sarah

So I was doing an interview yesterday with MSNBC.COM and the very nice reporter (a mother at home  with two young kids) asked me if there'd been any reader reaction to my frugality tips in THE PENNY PINCHERS CLUB, which as you may know (because I've told you a thousand times) is my latest book out that I need everyone to buy by the case.

I thought back to the comments I'd received via email and from other reporters and I realized that few had been impressed by the book's coupons vs. generic groceries debate. Aside from a Publishers Weekly note that the tips at the end were "spot on," most people were more interested in how the book's financially strapped married couple in other ways managed to, if you will, make ends meet.

This included a local journalist who got right to the heart of the matter by asking me if the "love scenes"  were inspired by my own sex life.

"Is that what Charlie's REALLY like?" she asked. 

OMG! I mean, okay, I do live in a small town (though it is the state capital) and this journalist, the editor of a local paper, is also the mother of a boy my daughter has been in school with since Kindergarten. And, certainly, when I was writing Bubbles and her main squeeze Stiletto, I heard comments about Charlie since, like Stiletto, Charlie, too, has dark wavy hair. Or should it be Stiletto is like Charlie? Anyway, the point is it didn't really matter back then because back then my husband, aka, Charlie Merriman, wasn't running for Vermont Secretary of State. As he is now.

"I think the voters of Vermont need to know this as we consider who to vote for for Secretary of State," a person very active in the Vermont school library system noted on my Facebook page after I tweeted about the above interview.

Suddenly, I have a new problem. For years I've been thoughtlessly mining my own personal life for professional fodder without a worry. Remember the "100 day pledge" to have sex every day for, well, 100 days? Charlie and I made it pretty far despite all sorts of obstacles including the Romance Writers of America conference. The biggest concern I had then was that my teenage daughter would read the posts.

Then there was the blog wayyy back in the beginning when I wrote about how I "tricked" my husband into marriage through the old fashioned promise of certain sexual favors in perpetuity. I'd say men are "such suckers" for falling for that old shtick, but that'd be the pot calling the kettle black, wouldn't it? 

All of this is out there floating in cyberspace. None of it is the fault of my husband except that he had the audacity to be a good sport. And I can't take back one single word.

Fortunately, this IS Vermont, a small state of 600,000. There have been more people at a Rod Stewart concert. And we're pretty tolerant in our politics and acceptances of lifestyles. Won't find many politicians beating the drum for Conservative family values around here, at least not in the race for Secretary of State where I think the "hot button issue" - not to pun, again - is increasing voter registration.

What I have to do, I've decided, is think like a marketeer. How can I turn my red face into a "blue" win for him? (He's running as a Democrat, you see, hence the blue. God, why can't I be this clever in my real life.) After all, the current Secretary of State, a perfectly nice woman who's probably going to run for governor, has not, to my knowledge, ever blogged about her sex life nor, ipso facto, had her sex life blogged about by others. Her thing is making sure kids understand how bills become law and access to government and all that kind of boring wholesome stuff.

So I'm thinking of a radical new "adult" approach.  How about these bumper stickers?

"Put Sex back in Public Office Where it Belongs: Elect Charlie Merriman Secretary of State"

Or, how about.....

"Merriman for Se(x)retary of State."

 

Or....

"Charlie Merriman: He Hikes the Appalachian Trail Every Night So You Don't Have to."

Maybe....

"He Can't File. 

He Can't Type. 

But With That Ass, Who Cares?

Vote Merriman for Secretary of State."

I dunno. Help me out here.....I think my marriage might depend on it.

Sarah

Then again....maybe it won't be the sex that'll get him in trouble. It'll be scenes like this:

Comments

[SisterZip]

How about...

Vote Merriman...HOBTFTS!

[Kathy Sweeney]

How about something like:

Go Scandal Free with Merriman: No Hookers. No Brazilian Babes. No Interns. He gets his great sex at home in Vermont.

[Kathy Sweeney]

P.S. FYI: when one's husband is a sex god, one usually does not ask for help.

Also, when he's elected, be sure to put a sign on his office that says something like: "Knock first."

[Laura (in PA)]

I hope he's using those pictures in the campaign.

It's probably much better that Charlie's sex life comes out now, rather than later, as that never works out well. At least they know he's busy at home, so therefore not likely to be "walking the Appalachian trail" on taxpayers' money. (Will anyone ever think of the Appalachian Trail the same way again?)

Good luck, Charlie! I wish I could vote for you.

[Ramona]

A different approach, for the women's vote:

"Charlie Merriman: Vermont's Mr. Darcy"

[Nora]

HA HA HA....being raised a good Roman Catholic...it never crossed my mind that you were drawing on..um..er...never mind...no more visuals!! I like to keep those kinds of things separate in my mind..again...ew....but as far as a logo..."Vote for Charlie...he keeps it in the family"? "If the office is rockin', don't bother knocking"....? again...ew....

[Nora]

Oh...and "Vote for Charlie...a man who knows the difference between procreate and recreate"?...still blushing...can't.be.funny.anymore.....

[William Simon]

Sarah, you've got the perfect angle already, staring us all in the face:

LOCAL POLITICIAN SEEN IN SECRET LOVE NEST.... WITH HIS *WIFE*!!!!

Consider the possibilities. Anyone can get caught with a mistress or boy friend or whatever. To be caught WITH YOUR WIFE?!?

Bet Charlie wins....:)

[Amy]

My thoughts are too crude to share. Good luck with the campaign and vivid blog posts – particularly post-win.

[Sarah]

I'm thinking there's got to be something I can do with the words "dick in the office," but every time I think about it, I think about Dick Cheney and then I get angry, especially since he seems to be able to get away with stuff that would get him strung up in other countries.

It's so confusing.

[Rita Scott]

umm, maybe better keep me, Margie away from the campaign. You never know how she might 'buy' votes!

[Alan P.]

I seem to recall that a politician was once accused of practicing heterosexual monogamy and abstinence before marriage. He lost the race. Therefore, stay away from big words near voters.

On the other hand, a whisper campaign that a candidate for Secretary of State could be a double on "Hung" may be a vote getter.

[William Simon]

Sarah, I've got an idea. There's a small company down here that makes Texas cider. The Dickens family has owned it for generations. Charlie needs to arrange a corporate sponsorship with them on the platform of "Every Woman likes a Dickens Cider once in a while."

Think that would work???

[Book Tarts]

How about: Elect Charlie Secretary of State -- hands on politics -- hands off other women?
Hilarious blog, Sarah.
Elaine Viets

[Rocco]

Ciao Bellas!

Rocco here with the first thing that came to my head:

"Tired of getting fucked by the government? Vote for Charlie - he does all his fucking at home."

Fabulous, no?

[Sarah]

You know, William, I had to say that out loud really slowly in order to get it. But when I did? Tea all over the screen of my computer!

All I can say is with 13 kids, my suspicion is the wife of the author of the Tale of Two Cities had a Dickens Cider on numerous occasions as well.

But doesn't Dickens Cider need a modifier? "Healthy" "Big" "Tasty."

You've created a monster!

[Maryann Mercer]

Wow! Campaign slogans in July...who'da thunk it? "Vote for Merriman...in the office every day, at home every night!"

[Me, Margie]

Hi, It's Me Margie.

Rocco, you are an idiot. You can't use fuck in political ads. Duh.

Here's one for the older voters:

"The only V this guy needs is your Vote."

If he decides to run for, like Attorney General or something, I have a whole bunch about who's getting off. Just saying.

[xena]

Soooo....there has to be something about Charlie being a Merri Man because he's in love with his wife. Or Sarah makes him a Merri Man. Married Man?
The photo ah lah MJ dangling Blanket...Trust Merriman - his family does.
Others are just to obviously graphic to mention.
I'm having a hot flash!
Just thinking.

[Nancy Martin]

He'd never win in South Carolina, would he? But Vermont is open-minded!

Merriman: He's No Spitzer.

No, wait, there's something wrong with that, too . . . .

[Kathy Sweeney]

"Spitzer?! He never even met 'er!"

That is the latest form of response in my house. It's a nice variation on "Your Mom" or "That's what she/he said."

Another slogan:

They say that behind every successful man lies a strong woman. Vote Merriman. Because his strong woman will also go under the desk.

[Rita Scott]

William, Dickens Cider has horny goat weed in it! (& yes it works, don't ask)

[Harley]

You guys are killing me! And I can't explain to the kids why I'm laughing out loud.

I love the final photo where Charlie's holding his beloved son in that "michael jackson dangling Blanket over the balcony" way. I'm too sleepy to come up with an appropriate caption.

What fun! TLC's first political campaign that's all in the family! I'm thinking we simply use the banner at the top of our blog, with little caption balloons coming out of our mouths, some variation on "Hell, yes, he's got my vote" and "Yeah, I'd f*** him" and "Make Vermont the only state where the Secretary is a Rock Star"

[Harley]

Of course, the "I'd f*** him" would be coming out of Sarah's mouth, which would make it very Family Values.

[storyteller Mary]

Kathy, Elaine, Rocco, you've got it! -- how refreshing to have a politician interested in his own wife! It's positively inspiring! Happy election (and happy ever after . . . . ;-)