Bums in the News
By Kathy Sweeney
The running joke in our house - like many homes which contain boys - is that all you have to do to make boys laugh is to make a joke using the word 'bum'. In fact, during the Pre-K years, the word itself is a show stopper.
Perhaps that's why I happened to notice there were more bums than usual in this week's news. If you missed it, during an international meet, an American swimmer split his suit down the back - right before his leg of the relay. The relay team still won, and so did people with an eye for a fine specimen of the species. I mean, if you have to show some sculpted buns, where better than Rome, where they build museums around them?
A couple of weeks ago, our fine President appeared to be caught in the act of appreciating a fine Brazilian bum. Video shows that Obama may have been turned to help someone on the steps. Sarkozy? Not so much. Blantant booty check. Hey, I'm not judging - if I still had a fine ass, I'd be parading it around too.
If you really want to see a lot of bums, watch HBO. As a big fan of Charlaine Harris' Sookie Stackhouse books, I love seeing her characters in the series "True Blood". But if you are a book purist, you'll be disturbed - the series is very different. One way that's true: BCPE, or Bum Count Per Episode. Now, I'm no expert, and I don't watch all of HBO's series, but I'm willing to bet that True Blood has more BCPE than any other series, making "Entourage" look like an after-school special. I mean, maybe "Oz" is in contention, but even with the Bada Bing and the Russian Whores, "The Sopranos" isn't even in the running.
Not that there's anything wrong with that. But just in case you want to watch True Blood and are offended by bums, here are some clues that a bum shot is imminent:
The Sookie and Bill music - lots of strings in this melody means at least one bum is just around the bend.
Jason Stackhouse - good for at least a couple of bum shots per episode. I guess if I had to pick a bum for consistent BCPE, his would be a reasonable choice. If you OCHFTS, Jason is your guy.
Shapeshifters - if you see someone ready to shift, get ready for a bum. Applies to both men and women.
Tara - other than Sookie, the female most likely to rack up BCPE - especially when you hear -
Drums - if you hear drums and/or see black irises, or this chick right here starts dancing, brace yourself. All kinds of bums. Old, new, big, small. Me? I can do without seeing most of them.
On regular network TV, the bum count is still pretty low. People are still talking about the NYPD Blue episode that started it all - for $1.4 million in fines, I'd have liked to have a little more bum, but maybe that's just me. But then, I don't watch much regular TV, and I don't watch any reality TV at all - that could be a bumfest for all I know. I can tell you that I have yet to see a bum on NCIS, Castle, or The Mentalist. I'd have noticed.
Noticed any bums lately?