Words That Sound Dirty But Aren't
By Me, Margie, filling in for Elaine, who is on deadline
Ballcock. It's a real word, and a part in your toilet tank. For teenage boys, that one is a trifecta.
Hope you weren't expecting some kind of refined, high brow discussion today. There is so much rotten crap going on in the news that I'm tempted to get myself a mask, a cape and a couple of circular saws and just clean some fucking house. I'm talking to you, AIG rat pig bastards. No offense to actual swine of questionable parentage.
So instead of designing my Watchwoman costume (do they make durable fishnets?) I am going to talk nonsense. No comments from the damn peanut gallery on that one either.
I love dirty words. Love. Them. I use them whenever I can. But sometimes, when ya really, really want to use a dirty word, and you cannot, it's great to have a holster full of real words that just sound porny. You know, like when you open the monthly statement from your vacation fund, or retirement fund, or basic money I have to live on fund, and you happen to be within earshot of one of your Aunts.
Words like Uvula. Which sounds like part of someone's genitalia, but is really that thing that hangs down the back of your throat. heh. That just happened. Coccyx is another one. It's a real anatomical part that sounds like another one. Masticate is a physical act, but not a dirty one, unless you're eating something that tastes like crap.
One of my favorite dirty-sounding names is Dick Butkus. I mean, really - it's a good thing that guy is as big as a horse, because with that name, the chances of him being beaten up are sky high. And is there any one of us who can keep a straight face when someone calls the bar and asks for "Mr. Meoff"?
Guaranteed to get a laugh (and probably a "Mom! Aunt Margie said: ________!"): ramrod, mandate (which is now like a regular bromance word, so it's not as funny) and penal. Even the word pianist works in the right joke.
Then there are the ones from school - #1: Uranus. Still cracking up kids since it was discovered a coupla centuries ago. Favorite in literature: Balzac. Geography? Lake Titicaca. You get to double down on that one. Runner-up: Bangkok.
Then there are the word-play ones. Gladiator. Linguist. Cummerbund. Ramification. We could go on forever.
Today you have a choice: wallow in our collective rage and try not to commit a felony, or pretend you're 13 and make the rest of us giggle. You can list words, or tell a dumb joke or a short story. I have at least five more words in mind, and no one is going home until we get them all.