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March 18, 2009

Words That Sound Dirty But Aren't

Words That Sound Dirty But Aren't


By Me, Margie, filling in for Elaine, who is on deadline

Blog ballcock Ballcock.  It's a real word, and a part in your toilet tank.  For teenage boys, that one is a trifecta.

Hope you weren't expecting some kind of refined, high brow discussion today.  There is so much rotten crap going on in the news that I'm tempted to get myself a mask, a cape and a couple of circular saws and just clean some fucking house.  I'm talking to you, AIG rat pig bastards.  No offense to actual swine of questionable parentage.

So instead of designing my Watchwoman costume (do they make durable fishnets?) I am going to talk nonsense.  No comments from the damn peanut gallery on that one either.

I love dirty words.  Love. Them.  I use them whenever I can.  But sometimes, when ya really, really want to use a dirty word, and you cannot, it's great to have a holster full of real words that just sound porny.  You know, like when you open the monthly statement from your vacation fund, or retirement fund, or basic money I have to live on fund, and you happen to be within earshot of one of your Aunts. 

Words like Uvula.  Which sounds like part of someone's genitalia, but is really that thing that hangs down the back of your throat.  heh.  That just happened.  Coccyx is another one.  It's a real anatomical part that sounds like another one.  Masticate is a physical act, but not a dirty one, unless you're eating something that tastes like crap.

One of my favorite dirty-sounding names is Dick Butkus.  I mean, really - it's a good thing that guy is as big as a horse, because with that name, the chances of him being beaten up are sky high.  And is there any one of us who can keep a straight face when someone calls the bar and asks for "Mr. Meoff"?

Guaranteed to get a laugh (and probably a "Mom! Aunt Margie said: ________!"): ramrod, mandate (which is now like a regular bromance word, so it's not as funny) and penal.  Even the word pianist works in the right joke.

Blog-uranus Then there are the ones from school - #1:  Uranus.  Still cracking up kids since it was discovered a coupla centuries ago.  Favorite in literature:  Balzac.  Geography?  Lake Titicaca.  You get to double down on that one.  Runner-up: Bangkok.

Then there are the word-play ones.  Gladiator.  Linguist.  Cummerbund. Ramification.  We could go on forever.

Today you have a choice: wallow in our collective rage and try not to commit a felony, or pretend you're 13 and make the rest of us giggle.  You can list words, or tell a dumb joke or a short story.  I have at least five more words in mind, and no one is going home until we get them all.

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I noticed that all the Dicks I grew up with are now Rick or Richard. There still dicks, I mean Dicks to me.

I also have recently observed my 12 year old niece and her 7th grade girlfriends giggle at a certain words. You named a few of them; wish I could recall what else they laughed at. I can say that when I was 12 or 13 I did not know any of that stuff. I would not have laughed at the city in Thailand. I do know that when was about their age I got in big and I mean, BIG trouble for calling someone a dork. He WAS a dork, certifiable. But apparently, according to my Dad, that meant a part of a man's body that is the same as well, a Richard. I swear I did not know that. I still wonder if its true but I don't use it anymore. Ok, I use it but not in front of my Dad.

Personally, I have a thing for funny names. So I thought of one that is in the dirty word category: The urologist whose name is, and I SWEAR this is true, Dick Tapper. Its like he was destined to become a urologist; he was born to be a, well, dick tapper. Now THAT'S funny to me.

'Dork' is the name of the bone in a bull walrus's dong. They get carved with intricate designs by the native folks who live north of 60.

So, Lynn, I think you got hosed, so to speak.

On another topic, I'm probably the only FOT who's been assaulted by Dick Butkus. But there was nothing sexual about it. Nothing. Anyone says differently, they're lying. Izzat clear?

Titular, ball peen hammer, penal system, cockatiel, and abreast come to mind. At this time of the morning that's the best I can do. ;)

Lollygagger

Tallywhacker

Penalize.

Homo Erectus. In 7th grade, I got in trouble for turning to my friend and grinning every time we hit another of the homo whatevers.

Titmouse. Not sure I'd even recognize one, but it's a good word.

Growing up, we had a pediatrician named Frank Weiner. Still cracks us up.

There is a big construction guy in town and his name is Noble Dick.

One more - am I the only one who remembers the Senate making a household name out of Long Dong Silver?

Might have been the last time we heard (aloud) from Justice Thomas.

Wenus - the skin on your elbow that you can pull & stretch.

Beaver. (This is a tough one for us Canucks,)

Long Dong Silver makes me remember my favorite line in Muppet Treasure Island, with Tim Curry as Long John. Miss Piggy & Kermit were going to get married, but he left her at the altar (to the other way around), and she ran away. In the movie, they reconnect. We see them talking about their past, and how she consoled herself. Then Tim Curry comes on the screen and Piggy says, "Hello again, LOOOOOOONG John," and I just die laughing. it gets even better when Kermit says, "What? Him, too?" and Piggy says something about being young and misguided.

Knew a guy once whose name really was Richard Waver. That was good for a few.

A photographer is traveling in the South. He spots two young ladies and persuades them to pose by a fence. One of them says, "What's he doin'?" The older and wiser one says "He's going to focus." The younger lady responds, "BOTH of us?"

There once was a girl from Nantucket.... Nah, never mind. I need coffee before this goes further....

Okay, names of real people I know:

Dick P. Sprinkle

Connie Lingus (what were her parents thinking???)

Dr. Richard Head (who happens to be a neurologist and is NOT amused when you ask him if he goes by "Dick").

Oh, and my husband cracks up whenever we watch reruns of "Leave it to Beaver". Just too many comments from June about Ward being "hard on the Beaver"

"Who killed Cock Robin?"

There's a nursery rhyme that's tough to read.

A duck walks into a bar, asks the bartender, "Got any grapes?" The bartender says, "No," and the duck leaves.

Next day, the duck walks back into the bar, asks the bartender, "Got any grapes?" The bartender says, "No," and the duck leaves.

This goes on for several days, and finally the bartender says to the duck, "If you come in here again and ask if we have grapes, I will nail your bill (beak?) to the bar." Duck slinks out.

Next day, the duck walks into the bar. Says to the bartender, "Got any nails?" Bartender replies, "No." Duck says, "Got any grapes?"

7th grade science teachers name was Dick Hunter.

Not that I didn't believe you, Lynn, but I looked up Dr. Dick Tapper, Urologyst. And couldn't stop laughing. WHY! Would you willingly pick urology as your specialty with that name?? Huge dare in med school?

I'm an adult woman, but when names like Dick Tapper come up, I turn into Bevis and Butthead.

A True Life Tale: "Dear Lord," the minister began, with arms extended toward
Heaven and a rapturous look on his upturned face. "Without you, we are but
Dust..." He would have continued, but at that moment a very obedient little girl, who was listening, leaned over to her mother and asked, quite audibly, in her shrill little four year old girl voice, "Mom, what is butt dust?"

My husband's vasectomy was done by Dr. Loveless.

My son goes to school with a kid named Dick Weiner. The second.

LOL on the focus joke!!!!!

My husband's former urologist was Dr. Picklow.

My gynecologist's name was Harry Roach.

Bird names are funny. Not just titmouse, but bulltit and booby. Bluefooted booby, if you don't mind.

Pecksniff is an all-time favorite of mine.

One of the funniest visits to a museum in my life: Indianapolis, the Museum of the Native American, in the Eskimo/Inuit display of waterproof seal-catching gear. The raincoat thingie was made of walrus bladder, and the buttons were made of slices of walrus penis. Oy, oy. I was with two hilarious older women who could not stop cracking jokes about this, and I laughed until I peed myself. I'm surprised they didn't kick us out.

Pianist. And if you want to get fired, niggardly a word that does not refer to skin color.

"A man goes to Miami for a vacation. After four days he notices he has a tan all over his body, except for his penis. So the next day he goes to a deserted area of the beach early in the morning, takes his clothes off and lies down. He sprinkles sand over himself until all that remains in the sun is his penis. Two little old ladies walk by on the boardwalk and one notices the penis. "When I was 20," she says, "I was scared to death of them. When I was 40, I couldn’t get enough of them. When I was 60, I couldn't get one to come near me....and now they're growing wild on the beach."

I once went to a gastroenterologist named Dr. Butt.

Hi-It's Me, Margie!

I am totally printing all these out! I have to go outside to laugh because when the AUTHORS are on DEADLINE, it's like Eggshell City here.

Judy - I cannot BELIEVE that is someone's real name? Tell me she did not marry Phil.

You are still missing some, though.

Here is one: kumquat. LOL.

And Tom, sweetheart - I want DETAILS on you and Dick. Butkus.

Y'all are killing me! What's really tough for me is that I have to say actual anatomy words in front of college students -- and if you don't think that's a hoot, you should try it sometime. 7th graders have nothing on these kids.

The technical term for the penile bone, which is present in many mammals, is "os penis" or "baculum." The raccoon baculum is just the right size to turn into a ball-point pen. The walrus one? You could use that sucker for a baseball bat. Primates don't have them. Just saying.

Next time you're in Washington D.C. and visit the Museum of Natural History, check out the bull elephant in the rotunda. Especially his underside. He seems to be missing something . . . also just saying.

Two little boys are walking to school. One asks the other, "Do you know what a penis is?" Says the other, "No, but I'll ask my Dad." That night, he asks his Dad. Dad obligingly whips it out, lays it on his hand, and says "Son, this is not just a penis, it's a perfect penis."

Next day, the little boy tells his friend, "I know what a penis is!." He whips it out, lays it on his hand, and says "This is a penis. And if it were two inches shorter, it would be a perfect penis."

ba-dum-dum . . .

Ha ha, Margie, this is all funny now, but just wait until Rocco shows up and starts talking about how much he loved playing with his Erector Set when he was a boy.

Hey Kerry - I'm glad you brought up that whole baculum thing (thanks for the new word, too). But if humans don't have them, then what broke on Dr. McSteamy?

Cousin Rita - as I recall, you used to fight Rocco for that set. And shame on you for missing an obvious word:

Seaman. Or in your case, Seamen. At least that's what I hear.

I especially like to use Seaman, First Class.

Me, Margie

We went to a party once, and the hunter host served bear balls, which were the grossest meatballs I've ever tasted, despite the sauce. (Made of ground bear meat, not their, er, balls)

Students always giggled like mad when we worked on conjugating (there's another one ;-) the verb to lie. Of course, I'd by then perfected the withering stare, accompanied by, "Are be going to waste time being immature, or are we going to learn this so we can move on?" We pretty much gave up reading "There is no frigate like a book." They had great fun with "booty" and had to be educated on "hoe" as a farming tool, and any time any numbers added up to 69, there was even more laughter.
OTOH, when we studied Shakespeare, I made sure my students comprehended things like "mar the young clerk's pen" and Katerina and Petruchio's banter, and why Caliban was banished to a cave after trying to "populate the isle with little Calibans." Understanding Will's humor is, of course, NOT immature.

When I was a kid, we used to wear rubbers over our shoes when it rained. By junior high school, no self-respecting kid could even say that without cracking up....

I had high school teachers named Mr. Seaman and Mr. Hoar. I pity them.

Local construction company - now out of business - Butt & Head Construction. They had red trucks with "Butt & Head Construction" in big white letters on the doors. Used to crack me up every time I saw one, and can you imagine what it was like to be the receptionist "Good morning, Butt & Head Construction".

Also had a financial aid counselor in college named Dick Cox.

Dr. Lipshitz is a respected oncologist in Little Rock.

Shih Taz dogs - be careful with the pronunciation

I'll try to come back with more.

Oh, seamen, yeah, last week I was walking down a street in Seattle and passed a big sign for the Catholic Seamen's Union. I was all by my lonesome and burst out laughing. I made sure to point it out to my husband when we passed it later.

If I knew how to post a picture, I would, You'll have to go to this link for the picture.

http://failblog.org/2009/03/17/cola-fail/#comments

Have we have "poop deck"

There was a great piece of dialogue in Ed McBain's THE FRUMIOUS BANDERSNATCH in which some kid in the recording industry is convinced that the word "bandersnatch" has to be dirty. (The word comes from Lewis Carroll's "Jabberwocky" and refers to some sort of beast).

I have a feeling that people who sexualize every turn of phrase are just stroking their vorpal blades.

There used to be a race car driver named Dick Trickle. I always wondered how the tv commentators kept from cracking jokes during the race. "And there goes Dick Trickle, down the back straight away...."

Then there's everyone's favorite South American body of water, Lake Titicaca

The obvious one from my business is cockpit. Unless both pilots are women, then it becomes the box office.

You people have me crying from laughing. This blog is like a tonic.

I worked for a man named Dick Kidney - he used to say he was named after two different organs.

"Peanuts" always makes me giggle, especially when said in my upstate New York accent, which sounds more like "peanits".

At work, we represent a bread company named Ecce Panis (the two "c's" are pronounced like a "ch"). My co-worker laughs every time they're mentioned - it sounds like something you need an ointment for.

How about car names? Why would Volkswagen call a car a Passat? And with all due respect to hybrid cars, the Prius will always be Priapus to me.

Okay, I really need to step away from the computer and get to work, but I just googled (an amusing term in itself) "Catholic Seaman's Club" in Seattle . . . and it's run by a chaplain by the name of HAYCOCK. No lie.

Ha ha ha.

I am still laughing about 'durable fishnets'!

I work with a Leading Seaman . . . she used to be an Ordinary Seaman.

Had a teacher in high school Mr. Oui - pronounced like Oooooweee.

I don't like the anti-sailor tone you people are taking. Margie, this is all your fault!

Maybe I will start a Save Our Seamen club.

Ciao Bellas!

I got paged on the CN (Cousin Network) and had to take a moment to add my choices:

Ramrod
Hancock (big enough for King George to see without his glasses - perfection!)
Crotchety
Blowhole

Seen at my favorite local store, CondomNation: Condomints. I may send some of those candies to the Vatican. I mean, Bitch, please!

Hey, Margie - in reference to your question "I'm glad you brought up that whole baculum thing (thanks for the new word, too). But if humans don't have them, then what broke on Dr. McSteamy?"

Dr. McSteamy must have broken what we in the anatomy biz call, er, soft tissue (snork, snork, snork!). True story - the same happened to a, um, stud horse a friend was breeding to her mare. They opted to go au naturel (vs. artificial insemination). She objected and kicked him right in the, uh, ballcock . . .

The names of cars - the PROBE anyone?

Yessss, Cyndi! Years ago, my wife said she would never drive one nor allow me to drive one, and she couldn't understand why any woman would drive one.

Sheila, one of my best friend's maiden name was Hoar. She's the only girl in her family, and always says she was born a Hoar. But it must have been even more difficult for her brothers to have that last name, now that I think about it!

Cyndi, that Pee Cola is a WTF moment, for sure.

Kerry, a hundred years ago, when I was single, I had a close encounter with a soft tissue injury of that sort, after the injury had already occurred at some previous time. It was traumatic for all concerned.

You, Margie get major points for finding that ballcock thingie in the blog. Awesome.

How about pussywillow or pussycat (not to mention Tweetybird's unfortunate mispronunication, "puddytat")?

Stroke
Vibrate
Thrust

all good words for spicing up a sentence

Do we have all Margie's words yet?

Shuttlecock. Used to play badminton, and was happy to use the proper term for the birdie. Often giggled after using the proper term, and my brother and I made a big production of saying it: "The shuttlecock [snort, giggle] has gone out of bounds."

Humdinger. I don't know why, but it gets me laughing every time I hear it.

Nice to see your up to your usual deadline tricks, Margie. FYI: The printer is out of ink again.

One of my favorites is Handcock, I mean there are lots of things I want someone to hand me, but .... I'm sooo not going to say it!!

I worked with a CPA named Dick Handler.

Two oral surgeons (oh, no snickering about oral) in town in the same practice are Dr. Fear and Dr. Hitchcock. Sounds like a fun place doesn't it? Dr. Pierce did pierce my ears. Really. One of the car dealers is Mr. Butman. Remember the movie "16 Candles" with Molly Ringwald? The exchange student's name was Long Duck Dong.

Lowbrow humor sometimes can be the best. LOL!

Boy am I late today.
The chief of a neighboring police dept name was Glasscock. If that wasn't bad enough, all the cops called him Crystal dick, not to his face of course!
Don't forget the mechanics that tell you, you need a head job.
My brother goes to Dr. Needles. I went to school with Melody Tune & Kelly Green lived up the street.
And cousin Rita, they already have a Save our Seaman club, it's called a sperm bank lol
nite nite folks!

Beautiful post. How can we say that feminism has done its work until each of us can walk on the street alone without fear, annoyance, or embarassment?

Thank you for this useful information. My brother had scabies earlier this summer, and I made sure to keep my distance. No one...went near him for a while. But hey, that's what he gets. For getting scabies.

osculation

sounds like masterbation or maybe another term for your monthly cycle? Try http://thesaurus.com/browse/osculation it is not a dirty word, i swear.

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