How Would You Kill Someone?

By Elaine Viets

I’m hopeless at small talk, especially at parties. I spend more time munching my foot than engaging in conversation. If I follow the etiquette rules and steer clear of politics, health and religion, I’ve ruled out the juicy topics.

Last year, at a "meet the authors" dinner, I was at a table of rich people who regarded authors as a curious aboriginal tribe. I knew talking about the election was definitely out. So was food. I could hardly mention that I liked the new hotdog stand on Federal Highway named Dogma. Or did that count as religion? Either way, it was nixed.

Wait, cars. Cars were a safe topic. I asked the guy sitting next to me what car he liked.

He started talking about his Jaguar. He drove one of those Ford abominations that had ruined the fine British automobile. He praised his car and himself for buying it. He rhapsodized through two courses. The conversation was dull, but safe. I couldn’t get in trouble as long as I kept my mouth shut.

Dessert was being served when my dinner partner asked, "What do you drive?"

"I have a 1986 Jaguar," I said. I was too polite to add, "A real Jaguar."

"You need to buy a new one, instead of that piece of junk," he said.

The man had insulted the car I love!

The steak knives were temptingly close, but I resisted stabbing the guy – at least with a dinner utensil. Instead I said, "If I wanted a Ford, I’d buy one."

There were gasps from car afficionados around the table. They knew the depth of that insult. It even penetrated my dinner partner’s thick hide. He was so upset, he could hardly speak.

"Did you – " he stopped for air, then asked the table, "Did you hear what she said?" Outrage raised his voice to a squeak.

Of course, they heard. I could see their sly smiles.

Cars were now off the safe list. I needed a question that I could ask that would stimulate conversation without insulting big donors.

I’ve found it. It starts terrific conversations. It allows people to talk about themselves and helps me in my work.

I now ask: "How would you kill someone?"

First, we agree that the killer would get away with murder. Second, we declare that we don’t really want to kill anyone. It’s just a theory.

With the ground rules established, the answers are delightfully inventive. I’ve spent many dinners discussing the finer points of poisoning. A doctor told me she’d kill a man by injecting him with potassium. "The levels rise after death, so the murder would be hard to detect," she said.

I asked her about that old mystery staple. "What about injecting the person with an air bubble?"

"You need a really big bubble," she said. "That one is harder to pull off. Nope, potassium is the way to go. And if a person was already sick, he’d have several needle marks in him, so even an observant coroner wouldn’t find one suspicious."

I should add that this doctor is a pathologist, so her patients are past the danger point.

The most ferocious answer came from a sweet-looking older woman in lavender chiffon and pearls.

She said, "I’d like to kill my son-in-law because he beat up my daughter. I’d drive him to the river, miles out of town. Then I’d make him strip naked. Then I’d beat him up, like he beat my daughter, only worse. Then I’d dump him in the river."

Her old eyes glittered with satisfaction.

It sounds like the rat deserves to die, ma’am, I said. But why would you strip him naked?

"Because we live in a small town," she said. "If that snake survived, he’d have to walk naked back to town, and that would embarrass him to death."

I love that woman.

Now I’m asking you: How would you kill someone?

Comments

[Karen in Ohio]

I've always thought the ultimate murder weapon would be a sicle of ice, especially one of the really long, thick ones that hang off the roof eaves in some places. Once it was melted, no fingerprints, and no weapon.

[Robin Burcell]

They used the sicle of ice on Grey's Anatomy. Only she didn't die...

I love the story of the little lady at your table, Elaine. I've often thought about fictionally killing off people who need it in real life. But sometimes it is far more effective to keep them alive in a book. One, putting them out of their misery (even if it puts us out of ours) isn't always advantageous. Sometimes it's best to see them suffer. Let the world know just how much of a jerk they are with copyright protection decades after our natural deaths...

[Dottie Taylor]

Elaine, I would use rat poison, you know ground up D-Con. Yes, I know it's traceable, but maybe you could put a couple of chewed on boxes of cereal in their cabinet with the D-Con close by. I know it says not to put it by your food, but most people who are rats wouldn't care as long as they got rid of the pesky little buggers who've been munching their groceries. Who's to say a few of the pellets didn't get mixed into the food before the rat dies? (have to be careful with this one--leave no fingerprints on boxes or D-Con, and for goodness sakes, don't let anyone else eat the cereal (possibly plant the boxes after the fact?), hypothetically of course.

[Mary Eman]

Kill 'em with kindness.....if someone is on a very restrictive diet, then it's steak, eggs, butter and cream.

[Peg H]

I always remind Dear Hubby that there's a section of dirt floor in our old basement. It's even the right size for him. Of course, he reminds me of the same thing on occasion. :D

Nothing like a plenty of iced tea made with the water wherein some Lily of the Valley has soaked a few days.

[William Simon]

A nicely bloodthirsty collection this morning!

Two shots in the back of the head. The pistol goes through a metal grinder, the shavings go into an acid bath, the sludge gets dumped into a sewer.

No muss, no fuss, problem solved....

[Joyce Tremel]

Remind me to never piss off any of you people.

[Elaine Viets]

Remind me not to have breakfast/dinner at any of your houses.
I stare out the window at the Atlantic Ocean, thinking it's a perfect solution, but I don't have a boat, and loading a body into one is difficult. The tides could easily bring it back. To ensure a happy marriage, we have no life insurance.
Robin, I like the philosophy of your comment. William, yours sounds the most practical. We'll be watching you.

[michele]

You specified we would get away with it, right? If you know you're getting away with it, pick something that works. The surest way to kill someone is to shoot 'em with a gun. That's why we have so many murders in this country, the good ole Second Amendment.

[Harley]

pick a creep with a severe tree nut allergy and then feed him (or her; let's be fair) a nice slice of his favorite carrot cake heavily laced with finely ground almonds, plus 2 t. of almond extract. One big bite should do it. Hide the phone & epi-pen. Let the fun begin.

[Sheila Connolly]

Thanks to Luci Zahray, I can't walk by my garden without feeling reassured that help is at hand if I need it. Yup, there's the lily of the valley, and the foxglove. I'm thinking of adding monkshood this year, just in case.

I actually had that "how do we" conversation last summer--with a pair of glassblowers (husband and wife). He was skeptical, but she and I had it nailed, down to the disposal of the body. Don't tell the Cape Cod Times.

[Elaine Viets]

Mary, you can kill me with kindness any time. I'd die happy on that diet. Harley, dinner is DEFINITELY off at your house. My, what a devious crew we have here.

[Karen in Ohio]

Ah, but the ice on Grey's was random, as it fell on Christina from above. And it did fall on her at the hospital, and she was discovered immediately and assisted, otherwise it could have been fatal.

Human life is both fragile and tenacious. Something that might kill one person merely stops another for a time.

[nancy martin]

I can think of nothing more satisfying that delivering a good, old-fashioned blunt force trauma. Baseball bat, one of those really big plumber's wrenches, maybe the bronze statue of a musketeer I have in my living room---any one of those would make a great bash in the head of some deserving SOB.

But, truth be told, the potassium injection is more my style, I guess. No fuss, no muss.

I'm impressed by your table conversation gambit, though, Elaine. I'm going to use the murder weapon question in the future! Nothing like a gruesome topic to jazz up a dinner party.

[Karen in Ohio]

Nancy, I just finished Murder Melts in Your Mouth. Wonderfully done; I didn't want it to end! In fact, I couldn't put it down. Thank you for such a richly drawn, hilarious family.

[Laura (in PA)]

Lol, I originally read Nancy's comment as a "bronze statue of a mouseketeer" and wondered what her living room decor was. Annette Funicello or Britney Spears?

I wish I sat with you at dinners, Elaine - much more interesting than the usual shop talk I'm subjected to (since most of our dinners out are with my husband's company or mine).

I'm kind of partial to the nut allergy one. Or an accidental poisonous mushroom.

[Alan P.]

I have a well thumbed copy of "The poisoner's handbook" Something my wife is not to happy about. I gave my dad's copy to my favorite mystery writer. Does Oleander grow in Ft. Lauderdale, it is in chapter 1?

Since I have a wife with a penicillin allergy and small children with ear aches, bumping her off would not be to hard.

One of my many books is a memoir of a Mossad agent. He said he was trained to use a cheap hand gun. Empty the gun in the chest and head and then leave the gun. Getting caught with a murder weapon is not good. He did not mention the canoli.

In college, one of my professors was also the chief judge of St. Clair county. He said to never hire the cheapest hit man, he is a cop.

You know, you could use a lawn flamingo, oh, that's been done.

[Maryann Mercer]

If only computer viruses could be used...since I've finally won my battle against one I'm back online :o) Tylenol is the way to go here as long as you don't need a quick death. Just make sure your victim exceeds the recommended amount for the 24 hour time period...honest. That's why they have those warnings, folks :o) Too much acetominiphin(sp) and the liver gets overloaded. The person feels ill and dies within 14 days, but if I remember rightly nothing is detectable, and even if it were it could be considered accidental. If I wanted to kill the husband, penicillin would do it...he's allergic to that and raw pineapple.

[Karen in Ohio]

My first husband (almost 40 years ago, good grief) was violently allergic to penicillin, and our doctor told us to refrain from sex if I was taking it. I always thought that would be an excellent way to kill someone, except that the doctor had already told me about this.

What, did you think I seriously entertained such an evil thought? 0:-)

One Christmas my husband and daughters went to Macy's to buy a Swiss Army knife for me for Christmas. The saleslady had been in the Israeli army, and she fascinated my then-teenaged and younger girls by telling them she had been trained to kill with a 3" knife blade. Another example of the fragility of human life.

[Kathy Sweeney]

It's not the killing part - it's the cover-up part.

Unless you own a butcher shop - or heaven knows what kind of businesses William frequents - the real key is getting rid of the body.

Or as Lisa Scottoline told me once: "You are the kind of friend who shows up with garbage bags and duct tape, just in case." I think it was a compliment..

[ramona]

I've been told I nag people to death.

Unfortunately, they keep resurrecting and still don't do what I want them to do.

[storyteller Mary]

After teachers in several departments offered to help me hide the body of the vicious martinet, I instead wrote a cathartic murder mystery using all their suggested means, sodium sulfate in bread pudding, blunt force trauma from a high-tech scantron machine, mold in a clay mask. Writing about it was very satisfying; in real life there would be too much mess, physical and psychological.
Elaine, it would have been so funny to segue straight into the "how would you kill" topic while focusing on the evil man who insulted Ralph -- how dare he!

[ArkansasCyndi]

I have to first say, I laughed at the title (how to kill someone) and then the first sentence (I'm hopeless at small talk). I believe that says it all about Elaine, don't y'all? LOL

If I beat someone to death with a baseball bat, I'd burn that SOB. Why do people keep things they used to kill someone?

It's not the HOW to kill someone that's the problem. It's the HOW to not leave evidence that traces back to you that's the problem.

Potassium is a great idea, and one that's been used. Same with Foxglove.

If you're going "William-Style", be sure be not leave fingerprints on the bullets. I don't know if those can really be traced but hey, that's what gloves were invented for!

Use common, everyday stuff from Walmart. Everyone shops there. Why use some exotic paper or rope or tape that only two shops in the whole country carry? Not only that, but shops that just happen to have a list of all the people who bought that one "special" item.

But the old "slip and fall" in the bathroom seems to work well!

[Marianne Plumridge]

I love TLC: so funny, so entertaining, so educational! :-D

Yeeeeeess: remind me also not to considerably peeve any of you. :-D

Always shake my head at Doctor Langslow in Donna Andrews 'Murder With Peacock'. He takes great delight in his garden of poisonous vegetation: even down to giving people guided tours and eloquent run downs of the symptoms of each poison. You couldn't hold up a bigger sign for a murder that spouted OPPORTUNITY HERE!!! Great book, though. :-D

Marianne

[storyteller Mary]

In Roald Dahl's "Lamb to the Slaughter" the murder weapon is a frozen leg of lamb. My short story students loved it! I checked out the weight at the supermarket one Easter, about five pounds, quite liftable, even by me. I won't say more, as you might want to read it.