by William Simon (as Forrest Gump would say, "Aaaaagain....")

The doorbell rang at 5:00am. 

Normally, that would lift me about three feet off the bed, but I was already awake.  The Boss looked at me funny, Boo actually raised an ear.  I got up, put on my robe (it's 29 down here today, and for us, that's COLD), and went to the door. 

"Western Union!" a disgustingly cheerful voice called.  I hit the lights (for reasons I won't get into, I am very big on lots of light outside, especially at 5am) and looked through the peephole.  Yes, it was a Western Union guy. 

I opened the door, and he cheerfully asked, "Mr. Simon?"  Something brushed my leg, and I looked down to see Boo, nine pounds of canine alertness, had actually gotten out of bed and followed me.  I replied in the affirmative.  "Telegram for you, sir!"  He handed me an envelope.  "Sign here, please!"  I signed where he said to sign, shooed Boo back inside, locked the door, hit the dining room light, and opened the envelope, all the while considering a letter to my Congressman asking if it would be justifiable homicide to shoot someone that perky and cheerful at 5am. 

The Boss came in, rubbing sleep from her eyes.  "WHAT," she asked, "is this all about?" 

"No idea," I said as I ripped open the telegram.  "But let's find out." 

"DEAR DUMBHEAD, the message began.  "DUE TO CIRCUMSTANCES BEYOND OUR CONTROL (WE ARE ALL VERY BUSY, YOU KNOW), WE NEED A BLOG THIS MORNING AND WE NEED IT RIGHT NOW!  GET GOING, OR ELSE!   WE'RE BUSY, YOU KNOW, ONE OF US IS SO BUSY SHE'S ON THE WAY TO ARUBA WITH THE U.P.S. GUY, JUST SAYING. MERRY MERRY, HAPPY, HAPPY, AND ALL THAT JAZZ.  (signed) Elaine, Harley, Lisa, Michele, Nancy, Sarah, and Me, Margie"

Okay.  Now I knew who had actually composed and sent the telegram, and signed everyone's name to it.  The Boss shrugged, mumbled something about "Defy her at your own risk", and headed for the kitchen.  Boo (the little traitor) fell into step with Dawg Fud Givr Person and went with her; he's a dog, but he's not stupid, and his motto is "She Who Controls the Kitchen Controls the World."

So, in the interests of helping out, I jumped into the shower and stood there for ten minutes.  It was very nice, until The Boss came in and turned on the water.  I woke up lots quicker then, especially when she slapped a cup of coffee into my hand.  Once out, I put my robe back on and headed to the office upstairs, clutching the over-sized cup of Life Giving Caffeine in both hands, freezing for a moment at the sight of the Christmas Tree on the landing (a 60's flashback, sue me), and turned on the computer.

After receiving Orders from Headquarters….. here we go, CHRISTMAS MOVIES, PART DEUX!!!!  (Can you stand the excitement?!?!)

LOVE ACTUALLY:  I don't believe I left this off the first time.  Absolutely brilliantly written movie inter-connecting several stories, all about love; the trials, the tribulations, the joys, the heartaches, the incredible soaring highs and the brutally devastating lows.  The Prime Minister and Natalie sequences will make you laugh out loud, the Alan Rickman/Emma Thompson story will break your heart, Liam Neeson is the perfect example of what a Dad should be (Dad….not a Father.  There's a huge difference) and I even liked Rowan Atkinson for once.  (Is he an angel or isn't he?  I still don't know.)  Buy it, watch it, add it to the library.

TEN LITTLE INDIANS (the 1965 version):  Yes, it's the Agatha Christie chestnut about ten people in a deserted chalet, cut off from the world, being murdered one by one.  There's enough snow in it to make it a Holiday Classic, though, in addition to Shirley Eaton in her absolute prime (marrone…. no wonder Hugh O'Brian lost his head).  It's clichéd now, but I remember the first time I saw it, it scared me half to death.  If you know the story already, just enjoy.  If you've not seen it, try to guess who the Killer is before the end.  One of Dame Agatha's greatest puzzlers.

We're skipping over the usual schmaltz like THE CHRISTMAS SHOES, and all the original and distaff versions of A CHRISTMAS CAROL.   Enough already of sick children, dying mothers, or having a Moment of Clarity and realizing you've spent your life being mean and nasty and suddenly turning over a New Leaf.  Sure, yeah, happens all the time.

One last one.  NOEL (West Wing, Season 2, Episode 10)  I know it's cheating to include a television show, but this one is so far beyond brilliant, it's got to make the list.  Christmas Eve in Washington, Josh Lyman is showing signs of stress.  A psychiatrist is called in, and the conversation roams everywhere and nowhere and back again until the truth is revealed.  I'm not sure (and too lazy to look it up) but I believe Bradley Whitford (Josh) and Adam Arkin (the doctor) received nominations for this episode.  Go with it, even if you didn't follow the entire series.

As someone recently said, Merry Merry and Happy Happy to You All....or, as we say here in Texas, "Merry Happy, y'all"....

Comments

[Elaine Viets]

William, once again I salute your movie choices. I've had it up to here with Christmas cheer. Give me DIE HARD XXXVI for the holidays.

[Lisa Daily]

I love Christmas movies, and Love Actually is one of my favorites.

Another overlooked should-be classic is UNACCOMPANIED MINORS, where a group of kids flying alone are stranded in an airport because of a snow storm, where they outsmart the grumpy airport manager repeatedly (and eventually help him to see the true meaning of Christmas. Obviously.)

XO and mistletoe,

Lisa

[Lisa Daily]

Elaine,

Well, DIE HARD, of course. What, are you kidding? What's more Xmas-y than Bruce Willis, hot and bleeding, shooting up the bad guys and tossing off one-liners?

Nothing I can think of. :-)

<>

+

XO,

Lisa

[ArkansasCyndi]

Thank you for skipping the schmaltzy "dying child/parent/grandparent/spouse" movies.

My family quotes Christmas Vacation to each other more than I'm comfortable with!

Merry Merry, Ho Ho

[ramona]

I love the movie Peter's Friends, starring a whole bunch of British actors everyone will recognize. It's set at New Year's, but close enough.

As an added bonus, for fans of the TV show "House" you get to hear Hugh Laurie sing--and there is a butt shot. Ho ho ho!

[Me, Margie]

Message from Margie (who is at Miami International Airport, and giving the baggage attendants holy hell over one of her suitcases, something about "toys".)

Dear Stupidface. You forgot the BEST HOLIDAY MOVIE EVER. It figures, I have to do everything as usual. You forgot ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS, an undiscovered treasure starring our very own Harley Jane Kozak! (One word about 'schmaltz', and I will smack you SO hard your second cousin will fall off his chair!)

Merry Merry Happy Happy Yadda Yadda I gotta go hurt a baggage handler,

Me, Margie

[Becky Hutchison]

Hey ramona -- I like that movie too. It's like a British version of THE BIG CHILL. I still like WHITE CHRISTMAS for the holidays, but the SOUTH PARK and THE SIMPSON'S Christmas shows are really funny. So is THE OFFICE's. And don't forget the all-important Alec Baldwin SNL's "Sweddy Balls" skit. Here's the clip on Hulu (preceded by 30 sec commercial):

http://www.hulu.com/watch/4156/saturday-night-live-nprs-delicious-dish-schweddy-balls

[JanetLynn13]

Loved the blog, William!

I just watched Love, Actually, and then it was one TV the next day. It is an awesome collection of love stories, and you are right, a few will break your heart.

I loved the West Wing, but I don't remember that on - I'll have to find it somehow.

Frankly, I've been Elf-ed to death. The Santa Clause is a much better movie! And Home Alone...

Merry Christmas!

[Karen in Ohio]

Congratulations, William, for coming up with the blog, as required, and doing such a great job of it. You have proven that you take orders well.

LOL!

And thanks for giving us so many good ideas for holiday movie rentals/purchases. Too bad some of these will never again be shown in theatres, though, isn't it?

We saw a phenomenally good movie last night that has nothing to do with Christmas, but if you get a chance to see it, do. Slumdog Millionaire--it's definitely going to get nominated for Best Picture, if not run away with it. And stay til the end credits--the best ever.

Merry, Happy, y'all, indeed. Ho, and Ho!

[Laura (in PA)]

I bought Love, Actually after attending a dinner at a work conference, and sitting next to a gay man and his partner, neither of whom I'd ever met, and having the most fun I've ever had at a work-related dinner. He made me promise to buy or rent the movie, which at the time I'd never seen, because it was his favorite. And he was right.

The bonus was, the only copy I could find at the time was a 4-disc version of Hugh Grant movies, which I got for $20.

I was a HUGE fan of West Wing, and I remember that episode. It's worth buying the whole season to see it.

[Joyce Tremel]

Great blog, William.

I'm with Becky, though--I LOVE White Christmas.

[William Simon]

Agreed, Becky and Joyce.... WHITE CHRISTMAS is a classic. I mean, come ON, Rosemary Clooney in her prime, and that voice.... she really could just "read the phone book" to me and I'd be a happy man. But, I'm going for the off-beat, the unusual, the movies one wouldn't normally think of as "Holiday Movies"....:)

[Harley]

Oh, William, my hero!

LOVE, ACTUALLY was discovered for me by our then-au-pair, who forced me to stop the activities (which would have been changing multiple sets of diapers, back then) and sit and watch, actually, an entire movie. It was worth it. (not all of her film choices were. She was/is German, so there was a lot of schmaltz involved.)

I'm tougher than I look, but I did adore that movie. I also adored 4 weddings and a funeral. Was there no Christmas scene in that one?

But yes, for the true meaning of Christmas, it's DIE HARD.

[Josh]

Mr. Magoo's Christmas Carol. I realize it's a Christmas Carol movie, but it's Mr. Magoo.

[kris]

Oh, Love, Actually. I so hope I can sit down and watch that one again soon. It's forever popping into my head,, which to me is the sign of an excellent movie.

Do NOT speak to me of Christmas Shoes. Hate the song, would never choose to watch the movie. And why, oh why did anyone think this should be a movie in the first place? ARGH!

Four Weddings - I seem to remember a Christmas wedding in there. Maybe the Highlands one - you know, with everyone dancing in their kilts, and then there's that unexpected - um - (Don't want to reveal any spoilers here ...)

White Christmas - oh geez. I will never forget my cousins and I watching that one just so we could join in on the Sisters song. We still mock that one out constantly. However, there was another one that I did love - the one about counting blessings to get to sleep - sigh.

Oh crap. The Tsarina just discovered the scotch tape. ACK!

[Karen in Ohio]

Kris, if you like the Sisters song, you will love the Bette Midler version. It's one of those techno wonders like the Nat King Cole/Natalie Cole "Unforgettable", where the long departed Ms. Clooney sings with the Divine Ms. M. No mocking necessary, I promise.

[Mary Eman]

William - yes, yes, yes to Love Actually! Clearly I am not the only one who wanted to Alan Rickman a kick in the pants!
I thought the Laura Linney character was sad and don't know that I could be as self-sacrificing as she was - giving up her own chance at happiness to care for her brother.
And Peter's Friends is most definitely a must see during the holidays.

[ramona]

Other holiday crime favorites are The Ref (Denis Leary, Kevin Spacey, Judy Davis) and The Long Kiss Goodnight (Geena Davis and Samuel L. Jackson.)

Radio Days is also fun to watch on New Year's Eve.

[Tom]

The time has come, Tarts All And Wondrous. Put William's picture up there in the masthead. Otherwise, I would never have know 'Love Actually' was worth a look.

[Pam aka SisterZip]

One of my all time favorite Christmas bits that a local radio station does is "The Physics of Santa Claus". Granted, the laughter in the background makes it much funnier than it probably is, so...

The Physics of Santa Claus

1. No known species of reindeer can fly. BUT there are 300,000 species of living organisms yet to be classified, and while most of these are insects and germs, this does not COMPLETELY rule out flying reindeer which only Santa has ever seen.

2. There are 2 billion children (persons under 18) in the world. BUT since Santa doesn't (appear) to handle the Muslim, Hindu, Jewish and Buddhist children, that reduces the workload to 15% of the total - 378 million according to the Population Reference Bureau. At an average (census rate of 3.5 children per household, that's 91.8 million homes. One presumes there's at least one good child in each.

3. Santa has 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the different time zones and the rotation of the earth, and assuming he travels east to west (which seems logical). This works out to 822.6 visits per second. This is to say that for each Christian household with good children, Santa has 1/1000th of a second to park, hop out of his sleigh, jump down the chimney, fill the stockings, distribute the remaining presents under the tree, eat whatever snacks have been left, get back up the chimney, get back into the sleigh and move on to the next house. Assuming that each of these 91.8 million stops are evenly distributed around the earth (which, of course we know to be false but for the purpose of our calculations we will accept), we are now talking about .78 miles per household, a total trip of 75.5 million miles, not counting stops to do what most of us must do at least once every 31 hours, plus feeding and etc.This means that Santa's sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second, 3000 times the speed of sound. For purposes of comparison, the fastest man-made vehicle on earth, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a poky 27.4 miles per second - a conventional reindeer can run, tops, 15 miles per hour.

4. The payload on the sleigh adds another interesting element. Assuming that each child gets nothing more than a medium-sized lego set (2 pounds), the sleigh is carrying 321,300 tons, not counting Santa, who is invariably described as overweight. On land, conventional reindeer can pull no more than 300 pounds. Even granting that "flying reindeer" (refer to point #1) could pull TEN TIMES the normal load, we cannot do the job with eight, or even nine. We need 214,200 reindeer. This increases the payload - not even counting the weight of the sleigh - 353,430 tons. Again, for comparison - this is four times the weight of the Queen Elizabeth.

5. 353,000 tons traveling at 650 miles per second creates enormous air resistance - this will heat the reindeer up in the same fashion as spacecrafts re-entering the earth's atmosphere. The lead pair of reindeer will absorb 14.3 QUINTILLION joules of energy per SECOND, EACH! In short, he will burst into flames almost instantaneously, exposing the reindeer behind them, and create a deafening sonic boom in their wake. The entire reindeer team will be vaporized within 4.26 thousandths of a second. Santa, meanwhile, will be subjected to centrifugal* forces 17,500.06 times greater than gravity. A 250 pound Santa (which seems ludicrously slim) would be pinned to the back of his sleigh by 4,315,015 pounds of force.

In conclusion - If Santa ever DID deliver presents on Christmas Eve, he's dead by now

[William Simon]

It is Tom, most definitely. LOVE, ACTUALLY is genuinely a Chick Flick for Guys!

Last night, we were watching the new version of GET SMART, which was actually much much better than I was expecting. A major plot point is "Ode to Joy", which in the final moments plays thunderously as Max and 99 race to the theater.

I grinned, and said, "I recognize that music!" The Boss said, "Oh?" I said, "Yeah.... it's from DIE HARD!"

One of those moments when those who love us take a moment to re-affirm and remind themselves of that love....

[Laura (in PA)]

I actually liked the GET SMART movie. My favorite part was the swordfish.

[Mothrababe]

Yep, Die Hard I & II - but I've already posted that on another blog somewhere. :-D

The Long Kiss Goodnight is one we end up sitting down and watching, even if we only see it in passing. Not sure why. :-D

The old Bing and Fred christmas movies were staples I grew up on. But have now pegged Love Actually as something I want to see.

BUT, BUT, BUT: I wrote about Santa having a tame wormhole for his very own use on Christmas night. If anyone is insterested, they can read it on my blog: http://musedujour.blogspot.com/ I had to post it to enter it into a competition. :-D

Merry, Merry, Happy, Mates.
CHeers,
Marianne

[Joyce Tremel]

Kris, if you hate The Christmas Shoes, you might like my version of what the song is really about (http://joycetremel.blogspot.com).

Does anyone remember the scene near the beginning of the movie Scrooged where Lee Majors charges in with guns blazing to rescue Santa Claus? Now, that would make a good movie. Very Die Hard like.

And Scrooged was pretty good, too.

[Pam aka SisterZip]

White Christmas & Scrooged are my two favorites. Carol Kane as the Ghost of Christmas Present...."Oooooh, look, it's a (wack Murray upside the head) Toaster!"

Best. Scene. Ever.!