Senior Sex Kitten
By Harley

Awhile back, I was telling the soccer moms about my psychic reading in New Orleans. The reading wherein the psychic said it would be 3-4 years before Mr. Next would come into my life. Mr. Next would be younger than me, by 6-8 years.

“I don’t want a younger man,” I told the soccer moms. “It’s too stressful. I want an older man, some geezer that thinks I’m a hot young thing simply because I haven’t had 3 hip replacements.”

“No, no!” cried one of the moms. “You can be a cougar.”

Pardon me?

A cougar. At this point, someone got hit in the face with a soccer ball and the conversation ended, but after the game, the mom said, “Rent ‘Ocean’s 13.’”

This week, I did. For those of you, like me, who are slow to read this century’s entries into the cultural lexicon, “cougar” is an older woman who’s into younger men. In the case of “Ocean’s 13” it’s Ellen Barkin, getting conned by Matt Damon.

Now, Matt and Ellen, at 38 and 54, are not exactly Harold and Maude. And, naturally, if we reversed the genders their age difference wouldn’t be worthy of a subplot; that would require Anna Nicole Smith and Billionaire and a gap of 63 years. Still, this phenomenon, while nothing new--remember that wacky couple, Oedipus and Jocasta?--got its new feline name a few years ago. Now that it’s on my radar, I’m hearing about cougars everywhere. Last week, e.g., they were under discussion at my beauty salon (the one Nancy Reagan frequents with her Secret Servicemen.)

According to Katherine of Newport Beach, getting foil highlights next to me, there are cruise ships that hire young men to just sail around and hook up with the cougars. A cougar is not simply a woman of a certain age, Katherine’s personal trainer told her. Cougars must have plastic surgery (often bad) and money. They find men their own age too bald or paunchy or lacking in testosterone (Viagra notwithstanding) to bother with. It is Katherine’s opinion that cougars are powerful and independent and intimidate men their own age, which is why they’re happy to pay for the attention of young hulks. I mean, hunks. “Look at Cher,” she said. “She’s totally intimidating—plus, she looks great!”

“I think Cher looks a little scary,” I said. “On TV, anyway. I don’t actually know her.”

“Well, okay,” Katherine admitted. “She does look scary. But Demi doesn’t.”

Katherine says that Cougars have hangouts in Newport Beach, where they stuff themselves into very tight, short skirts and travel in packs to pick up guys. No housedresses and rocking chairs here: this is not your grandmother’s grandmother.

But why cougar? Why not . . . hammerhead shark? Humpback whale? Ferret?
Perhaps cougars begin life as sex kittens, and then their old geezer husbands die off and they’re left with pots of money and nothing to do. (Except that the term sex kitten went out with Ann-Margret. The new term for a young woman who likes men over 50 is “Chihuahua.”)

To determine whether the age disparity you have with your loved one is or is not socially acceptable (i.e, deserving of a blog) there is the Half Your Age Plus Seven rule.

I don’t mean to sound sheltered, but the idea of paying a guy who’s young enough to be my son (not my literal son, because he’s six) to have sex with me and tell me how fantastic I am is not that appealing.

Ah, but love is something else. No age limits on love . . . (rent Harold & Maude.)

Happy Monday!
Harley

Comments

[Tom]

At times like this one can but rely on a soupcon of the Francais; liberte, egalite, humanite - et toujour l'amour!

Or whenever it's convenient. Like, whenever.

[William Simon]

Harley-

Daniel Craig was born in 1968, which makes him almost 41.

I think it would be okay....:)

[Kathy Sweeney]

Maybe I've been reading too much Charlaine Harris and Christine Feehan, but the first time I head the term 'cougar', I figured that weres/shifters had finally become as hot as vampires.

Turns out, not.

I'm trying to remember the first time I heard the term, and I'm pretty sure it had to do with Gabby and the Gardner on Desperate Housewives - with a comparison to Demi and Ashton. I don't remember the plastic surgery prereq, but I do think the tag has something to do with women who prefer to hunt, rather than be hunted.

Harley - you don't have to worry about turning into a cougar. Sorry. But you will always have them hunting you, not the other way around.

[xena]

Soooo....I know I've said this before but....sex is where you find it. Most of the time it comes (pun intended) with complications. There's usually emotional baggage involved. Like 18 wheelers full of past involvements let's call them.
In Miami any man over 60 and still breathing is a God. Any age man you have to pay for and is not the man of your dreams is not the man for you unless you are just looking for a broken heart or are heartless and just don't give a damn any more.
I'd like to believe that "Someday he'll come (tee-hee) along and he'll be BIG and strong" and we'll park our 18 wheelers at the curb and have a nice non cougar purr-fect relationship.
What happened to relationships? Somebody wake me up.
Just saying.

[Karen in Ohio]

My sister married a guy who was 18 when she was 26. It was a lot of age difference back then, and she practically raised him. But now that she is 55 and he's 48, it makes one heckuva lot of sense. Come to think of it, my stepsister married a guy a lot younger than she is, too. Not cougar-ishly younger, but still.

I'm with Xena, that paying for sex is ridiculous. We women have it all over men in that regard. And I'm with Kathy, too--Harley, you are one hot mama now, and I see no reason why you won't be for a good long time, so why settle for callow youth. Unless someone really fun like Ashton comes along!

[Harley]

I think I'd be fine with a younger man if he didn't look all that much younger. But if I'm looking for a balding, paunchy guy in his 30's, I suspect I'm missing the point of cougarness.

I think the real question I'm asking is, what's with the trade-off off youth & sex on one side and money & power on the other side?

[Nancy Martin]

I divorced over-50 friend of mine found herself checking out all the guys in the check out line. Which grocery store gentlemen could she bear to sleep with? Turns out, not many over 40. I wonder if she actually got to know any of them, would she have changed her mind? Or is love truly blind?

I'm wondering about the derivation of the term Chihuahua? Little bitch? Yappy pup?

[Maryann Mercer]

At my age, everyone is younger :o) I did however marry someone five years older than me way back in the day and still think older men (think Newman, Connery, and Redford)have something younger guys can't quite pull off yet. Experience, wisdom,whatever. Of course there are exceptions (like Clive and Daniel and Colin Firth)but I'm content to admire from afar.

[Harley]

Okay, yes, if Daniel Craig comes calling, I take it all back. Prrrr.

[ramona]

Harley, have you seen the movie, "The Mother?" Blond Bond gets cougared. He is a bad, weak and whiny man. Still hot, though.

Updated, and fantastic, version of Harold and Maude: "Mrs. Palfrey at the Claremont", starring Joan Plowright (one of my favorite actresses) and Rupert Friend (the latest incarnation of Mr. Wickam.) He's a young writer. It's a good movie.

If it makes you feel any better, not long ago, I was in Atlantic City and I commented on the nice young man holding hands with his grandmother and showing her how to work the slots...You are not alone in not knowing, or understanding, everything in the cultural lexicon.

[Karen in Ohio]

Harley, you need to go to France. French men adore older women. A friend who lives there says she went for the food and the underwear, and stayed because of the men.

[Elaine Viets]

Harley, cougar is just a name. Love is where you find it, and if he's younger than you, it's not his fault.
As for Gabby on "Desperate Housewives," my neurosurgeon swore she had plastic surgery. I said he sawed open skulls for a living and didn't understand the delicate touch. The argument was never resolved.

[Josh]

Ooh! My wife and I were almost at the 1/2 your age plus seven, since she was 31 and I was 23. But I turned 24 a week later and have been 14 ever since.

[William Simon]

The Top Ten Reasons Bald Paunchy Guys Over 50 are a Good Choice:

10) We’ve learned through experience that passion and the “Big O” are wonderful and terrific, but there IS more to Life, and we’ve also finally figured out that holding hands and watching a movie together can be far more intimate than Outrageous Monkey Sex. Sometimes. Not always, but sometimes.

9) We know the meaning of the word “Commitment” and take it seriously. We also know the meaning of words like “Love”, “Honor”, “Cherish”. We may struggle occasionally with “Obedient”, but the thought is there.

8) We’ve established ourselves in our careers. There’s none of this “Finding Myself” nonsense; we did that already through years of trial and error, which is a polite way of saying "Man, I really f---ed THAT up!"

7) While we value and appreciate excitement in our lives, we’re safe and sane drivers. The beauty of reaching a certain age is realizing you don't have to prove anything to anyone, and also recognizing that going 65 in a school zone is not what makes you a man. An idiot, sure, but not a Man.

6) We’re more than happy to stay up all night with a sick child or pet, recognizing you need your sleep, too.

5) We’re not threatened by you or your achievements. In fact, we’re pretty damn proud of them, and will actually brag to our friends how wonderful and terrific you are.

4) When the Stuff Hits the Fan (and it does, no matter how hard we try to stop it from doing so) we work it out TOGETHER. Most of us are too grown up for ultimatums on either side. Compromise is a learned skill.

3) We’re there when YOU get sick, and we’ll hold your hair out of the way while you speak to the Porcelain God, help you back to bed, make sure you have everything you need, and if asked, will even tell you bedtime stories until you fall asleep.

2) We’ve leaned how to LISTEN to you, not just nod our heads and pretend we care. We really DO care, but we’ve also learned you may not want us to DO something about it, you just need us to listen.

And the Number One Reason BPG’s O-50 are Good Choices:

1) We’re fully aware of the consequences of not putting the seat down….so we make sure we do…..:)

[Harley]

William, that is a swoon-worthy summation.

But my friend Connie just told me that our ears keep growing our whole lives, which came as a shock to me. Now we have to worry about looking like Dumbo down the road? And how come I haven't heard of Ear Reduction surgery?

[ramona]

William, honey, if you expanded those 10 points into 20-page chapters, you've got yourself a book.

[Nancy Martin]

Ear Reduction Surgery:

http://www.plasticsurgery4u.com/procedure_folder/ears/big/index.html

[hollygee]

William, you are a god.
When Stephen and I met in our 20s it was giddy young love.
When we met again -- online -- in our 60s, it was giddy not-so-young love.
In callow youth, I was the one who f---ed up and got scared back and, two years ago, I was the one who went seeking that someone good I had thrown away. We have had a happy continuing and I've found everything that William said to be true.
With the exception of the toilet seat -- if he has to lift it up, I can put it down.

[storyteller Mary]

. . . if he's younger than you, it's not his fault.
Elaine, you put things so well. I keep thinking, though, of the real-life outcome of Stella's groove guy. Perhaps he did love her at the time, and perhaps it was just a means to an end -- and how does anyone tell the difference?
William, I love your list! I honor (and sometimes envy) the long-standing romances I see among my friends -- I know a great deal of hard work and understanding went into those relationships. Bravo!
. . . and what is the French expression about everyone having different tastes?

[Kathryn Lilley]

Ooh, glad to hear a discussion of cougars! I almost nixed a in one of my books because most of the women in my writing group didn't know what they were. But the one woman who was under 30 did. So I thought, "Ah, there's my reader."So the cougar reference stayed. I would probably never have the self-confidence to actually BE a cougar, though.In fact, if I ever had to date again, and I wanted to stay well above my age bracket, I'd have to try Speed Dating for Sixty-somethings!

[Kathryn Lilley]

Oh, and I blogged about Cougars after going to a college reunion: http://killerhobbies.blogspot.com/2008/06/mating-cougar-style.html

[Tom]

SMary, "Chacun a son gout," plus the missing diacriticals.

Harley, I don't know that the Cougar Thang will ever make a lot of sense to you. It's pretty contrary to your groove with the Universe. Predation is part of that picture, and that doesn't seem to be you.

Where's Michele? She's probably seen far more cougars in NYC than still exist in the wild.

[Laura (in PA)]

What a coinkydink! Lisa Scottoline wrote about cougars in her column in the Philadelphia Inquirer yesterday:

http://www.philly.com/inquirer/columnists/lisa_scottoline/20081109_Chick_Wit__The_pursuits_of_cougars_give_pause.html

I've heard the term for a few years now, but I can't remember where I heard it first. My favorite was this past season of American Idol, and the women in the audience holding up "Cougars for Cook" signs for David Cook. I have to admit I agree.

I went the other way in my 2nd marriage - hubby is 9 years older than I am.

[storyteller Mary]

Thanks, Tom. I knew someone could provide that phrase . . .can't remember where I read it.
RFT did a feature on cougars -- I'm not planning to adopt the lifestyle either.
http://www.riverfronttimes.com/2008-07-16/news/coug-heaven/

[gaylin in vancouver]

Williiam - do you have any single friends in Canada???