Mr. No Shoulders

Mr. No Shoulders
By Nancie the Gun Tart

One day at work (on the gun range) I was handed a metallic blue stick with tong-like ends. Now, if you hand me a shiny sparkly object, don’t bother talking to me because I’ll be in my own little world, in this case practicing my fencing techniques and grabbing at items within reach of the tongs. But a few words from my coworker filtered through onto my plane of childlike happiness. For instance: “. . . along with the snake box.”

Huh, what? I looked at my coworker and saw he was holding a snake box.

“What’s with the snake box?” I asked cautiously.

He explained that the snake box needed to go into my work truck along with the object of my affection, the snake stick.

“I don’t do snakes,” I said. “It’s not in my job description.”

A disembodied voice from the other room called, “Yes it is, it’s under Other Duties as Assigned.”

“Remember,” my coworker added, “the Mojaves have a green sheen to their skin and they’re the dangerous ones.”

Does anyone really care about color, sheen, astrological signs, vacation preferences, or income levels of these things? They’re poisonous.

“All I get is a tiny stick and a box to defend mankind against the buzz tails?” I raised it, snapping it at him like a crab claw.

He backed away. “I can get you a longer one.”

I got the longer version and begrudgingly tossed it in my truck along with the snake box. Determined never to use them.

But one day, the entire morning shift was on the Scared of Snakes Team. I realized this when I heard the scream of a coworker. Not quite girly, but not a manly scream either. A “we’ve got a rattler!” scream.

My first question was, “How big is it?”

“What difference does that make?” my coworker, an ex-cop, was backing away.

“If he’s a big one,” I called, “he can stay until he determines he would like to relocate.”

“You have to come get this thing!” he yelled.

We kept yelling back and forth, as I refused to come look and he kept backing away. We were minutes away from opening and had about 60 people waiting, hearing this. “I’m not doing anything until you tell me how big it is.”

“It’s a little one,” said the big tough retired Chicago cop.

“I don’t trust the male system of measurement so I need the feet-inches type answer so I’ll know within several inches the real length.” This brought a few high-pitched laughs from the crowd, several chuckles from men and glares from the other male patrons. Oops.

“About a foot long.”

I fetched my tools, wondering if I could outwit a foot-long animal without legs.

My helpful co-workers neglected to employ the one working brain cell they all share, and instead, let customers in. Perfect. Now I’d have witnesses to my humiliation. I opened the box. The snake was disinterested. I worked my snake stick. The snake appeared mildly inconvenienced and slid out of the tongs.

Now, I had a crowd behind me, all male, all with not so helpful tips, and not one offer to actually capture this thing for me. nooooo. The general consensus was that they should be allowed to shoot it. “No thanks,” I said. “I’ve seen all of you shoot and I’d like to live.”

The crowd fell silent as I went for snake capture round two, which, to my complete surprise, was a success. I dropped it in the box, slammed the lid, and locked it quickly.

When the crowd dispersed, I checked, and am pleased to report I didn’t wet myself. That was my greatest achievement.

Comments

[Karen in Ohio]

Way to go, Nancie! Save the big, bad men from the scary little snake.

My husband is way more terrified of snakes than I am. It's a form of power. Hey, you take it where you can find it. ;-)

[William Simon]

I've been accused of being Indiana Jones's coach for the "Fear of Snakes" scenes. I was recently at some friend's house when their 14 year old son excused himself and came back with the House Python.

I left the room so quickly, there were stories of a vapor trail hanging in the air. Along with the usual attempts at wit, like "You scream like a girl", and "Are you okay, Little Lady?" etc etc etc yadda yadda yadda.

It lasted until I pointed out to someone his fear of heights, and said I'd be happy to hold the snake if he would throw it to me from the roof of their three story home.

The ribbing stopped right then....

[Nancy Martin]

Male system of measurement---" You gave me my first laugh of the day, Nancie---and then a few more! I HATE SNAKES, and usually I can't even read about 'em, but you kept me going. Luv ya, girlfriend.

[Elaine Viets]

Way to go, Nancie, and you are a braver person than I am to capture snakes. I keep thinking of the "Monk" scene where Adrian stands on the dining room table to avoid snakes. I'd be standing next to him.

[Laura (in PA)]

Nancie, you crack me right up.

I think if anyone brought me a snake box and tongs and said it's part of my job, I'd be packing up my desk and hitting the want ads. Spiders, I can do. Snakes, no way in hell.

Awesome story. Thanks for a fun start to my Sunday.

[Luce]

My brothers had a "house" python and a very large boa as pets, so snakes don't bother me. Though, I would stay clear of rattlers. However, I can't stand snails and worms. Yech. They give me the heebie-jeebies. So gardening is always an adventure.

[William Simon]

That would be a REALLY crowded table, Elaine...:)

[Kathy Sweeney]

Hilarious!!!

Nancie - this story reminds me of your days at the Pet Store - which still make me laugh years later.

I can't believe (and yet, I can) that all those tough guys stood back and made you get the snake.

Something makes me think there is a biblical reference here - don't some statues of the BVM have her crushing snakes?

Great, great blog - thanks for the laughs!!

[Nancie aka Gun Tart]

Karen, I usually call one of the guys to deal with the little buzz tails if it’s in a public area, otherwise I just leave as soon as I hear a rattle. This particular day I didn’t have my usual resources of snake wranglers, just the chickens bigger than myself. Fortunately, this has been my only capture and hopefully the last. I have discovered my flight response kicks into overdrive when I’ve encountered rattlesnakes on the range in the past.

William, it’s the poison part of the snake that gets my attention, otherwise snakes don’t bother me. Well, unless they’re 12 feet long and hungry looking, which all snakes of that size always are, so I’m out of there in a hurry in those circumstances.

Nancy, always happy to provide laughs and in my line of work we have plenty, especially when you mix me with wildlife. I don’t like rattlesnakes, but at least they do have that handy warning system built in, unless they’ve lost their rattle, or were shortchanged in the rattle department. As an added bonus I found out last year they have TWO breeding seasons a year, and this was news I could’ve lived without knowing.

Elaine, I prefer the table method of avoidance myself, but I usually jump into my truck. I have discovered I have an amazing talent to hurl myself into the bed of a pickup without touching the sides or tailgate. I have also learned to look down before exiting my truck, or personal vehicle.

Laura, yep spiders we have, tarantulas, wolf, black widows, etc., we also have scorpions, one large one which caused a big uproar on the range recently. Oh ya big babies. I just picked him up with the tongs and deposited him in the coffee can for relocation.

[Nancie aka Gun Tart]

Luce, what about grubs? Just curious. Snails and worms are a rarity down here in the desert, but there have been sightings from my understanding.

Yes, William, a very crowded table indeed, although, if I’m not at work, I’ll just shoot the thing. We have a relocation policy at work, so my offer to use the 12 gauge shotgun and supply my own ammo, in lieu of the stick and box method, was turned down.

Kathy, I do work with several cowards no question about it. I’m glad you remember the pet store stories; I don’t because all of you kept buying me margaritas and I have no recollection of that night except laughing A LOT!

[Karen in Ohio]

Nancie, where the heck do you live, Texas?

Many years ago I was staying in a hotel in midtown Manhattan. My boss's room was next to mine, and shortly after we had retired for the evening my phone rang. It was him, saying to pack my stuff, we were moving rooms because there was a mouse that he had just chased into the hallway. Just about that time I saw out of the corner of my eye selfsame mouse, entering MY room, under the door.

The funny part of this was that he requested our new rooms to be several flights up, as if mice weren't going to use the elevator or something, so we'd be "safe".

[Harley]

Nancie, I think there's a job opening at my kids' former preschool, where one of the teachers is assigned "snake check" before every single recess, which means walking the perimeter of the play area, ready to pounce.

Just in case those Gun Guys don't sufficiently appreciate you!

[Laura (in PA)]

OK, well, I'd like to amend my previous comment to spiders smaller than a quarter, which would NOT include tarantulas.

[storyteller Mary]

Nancie, rattlesnakes at work?? I'm thinking I don't want to work there . . . You are one brave woman!
I am ok with non-lethal snakes, thanks to my little brothers (showing fear of their pets would have been an invitation to torment). In fact, one summer I babysat the science department's garter snake, so tame that we could hand-feed it. (Luce, you might not like this part) I bought night crawlers for it, since it was a very dry summer and worms were scarce.
This has reminded me of a wonderful short story I used to read with my students, in the book _You and Science Fiction_. I can't remember the title right now, and I can't find the book, but it had to do with vandalism gone way out of control, and it used to spark wonderful discussions -- and admissions of past transgressions from some of my students. One young man said he was only attending school because his lawyer suggested his hearing on vandalism charges might go better for him if he was in school and showing responsible behavior. We wished him good luck.

[storyteller Mary]

I just remembered my mother's story about asking the next door neighbor's son to help her capture one of my brother's snakes. After he successfully trapped it under a pail, he shook uncontrollably; he was more scared of snakes than she was, but since she asked, and he was a good kid . . . .
During the Indiana Jones snake scene, the woman sitting next to me shifted her food and accidentally touched mine -- we both nearly hit the ceiling.
Spiders: My friend's house is Chuckey, TN is invaded every fall by Tennessee Fishing Spiders -- biggest spider I ever saw! I successfully caught it in a plastic box, telling it, "I'm trying to help you here. If you want to live, go in the box," and my friend released it outside, pointing toward the Nolochuckey River.
http://sparkleberrysprings.com/v-web/b2/images/fisher2.jpg

[Becky Hutchison]

Nancie, your stories are always so fun! I'd love to hear the pet store ones some day, but I guess I'll have to ask Kathy instead (seeing as you were somewhat incapacitated when you told them). ;-0

My childhood friend was a boy and we did mostly boy things for fun. Frequently we'd dare each other to pick up a snake...luckily small and very green snakes...so I'm not too afraid of those things. BUT get me anywhere near a spider and I'm a lost cause. I make my son or husband take care of them if the little buggers are big. The little ones? I pull up my big girl panties and try to relocate those suckers without losing my sanity. But tarantulas or black widows or brown recluse...big yuck!! I'd run screaming from those in a heartbeat...or sooner.

[Nancy Martin]

Two breeding seasons? Where's Margie today?

[Peg H]

When I managed the pet store it was my job to keep an eye on the various snakes while the cage cleaner did his job. Didn't bother me, I'd wear the baby Ball Pythons on my wrists like bracelets and would tuck the little black and white King snakes into my shirt pocket. One of the Boa Constictors liked to hang around my neck and rest its head on my shoulder.

Going to the early years, I was the child who terrorized an older snake phobic sister any chance I could. I'd often bring home a harmless snake to show it to her. My father got a kick out of his fearless daughter...

However, there was that thing I had about heights..."Ladder? No, you climb it."

[Nancie aka Gun Tart]

Karen, I'm in Phoenix, the home of sand, sun, snakes, scorpions, spiders and other S things. Unless there are enough mice to stack up, I'm sure mice can't use the elevators because they can't reach the buttons. Also, hurling themselves at the elevators buttons to get enough force to depress the button usually topples the mousey tower they built, resulting in humiliation, injury and disgust at the failed plan.

Harley, I'll consider the job if they let me use my shotgun. What does it pay and what are the benefits? Free Depends should be included as a job perk. I’ll need them.

Laura, I haven’t had to relocate any tarantulas, but they usually come out at night after we turn the lights out along with the rattlers, and people wonder why I carry really bright flashlights.

[Nancie aka Gun Tart]

Storyteller Mary, I know I would’ve jumped too if someone would’ve touched me during the snake scene. We also have mutant sized cockroaches down here and that sets this household into a panicked frenzy to kill the thing.

Becky, I’ll try to remember some of those stories for a blog, but I have this problem with processing alcohol; it just stays with me so after several nights of margaritas I was completely blitzed by the end of the convention.

Yes, where is Margie today? I figured she’d be all over that statement.

Peg, I also worked in the pet industry for a number of years, so the little ones don’t bother me either. Anything poisonous on the other hand has my complete respect no matter what size it is.

[Karen in Ohio]

Mice get around, Nancie. They hitch rides in the laundry carts, and in suitcases, and all manner of other conveyances. Trust me, the height of the building has nothing to do with their occurrence.

However, I love the whimsical idea of a mouse tower!

[Nancie aka Gun Tart]

I suddenly have this visual of the mice unzipping luggage and slipping inside while you’re checking in to your room. Their destination is the wine tasting party on the 5th floor.

[storyteller Mary]

Cockroaches are truly disgusting (and will out-survive us, which is totally unfair). When I traveled in Central America, the other females in our group were so scared of the big cockroaches that I stepped up and smashed one with my shoe. The resulting mess was so disgusting and hard to clean up, though, that I switched tactics, and herded all other cockroaches out the door.

[storyteller Mary]

Hah! I knew I'd find the story! "Day of Truce" by Clifford Simak -- lots of good stories in that anthology!

Meanwhile, I hung pictures and artwork on the last bare wall -- while listening to a very uplifting rebroadcast of this week's Prairie Home Companion. I've loved Garrison Keillor's work since the '70's, when I lived in Minnesota.

[Laura (in PA)]

"Unless there are enough mice to stack up, I'm sure mice can't use the elevators because they can't reach the buttons. Also, hurling themselves at the elevators buttons to get enough force to depress the button usually topples the mousey tower they built, resulting in humiliation, injury and disgust at the failed plan."

OK, now you've made me snort my Diet Pepsi.

[Nancie aka Gun Tart]

Cockroaches, ewwwwww, even they survive a shotgun blast, uh, not that I know personally, I’ve just heard this rumor.

Laura, sorry about that, okay I’m kinda sorry, but this is how my mind works and I can’t be held responsible-the courts said so. TLC should come with some sort of hazard warning about the content of the blogs and comments.

[xena]

Soooo....new line of work for Nancie aka Gun Tart. aka Snake Woman! Brings to mind the topless women of Crete holding snakes in their hands or Medusa with her snakey snake hair. Move over dreadlocks! Nancie is in the house!
I'm still in the world of lonely people rehearsals. Everything has to do with some kind of "snake". Or snake shape. You get used to it. Trouser snakes (where is Margie?) being the most prominent.
Tables cannot save you from a trouser snake in a pick-up bar. Blue tongs either.
Actually I've gotten into feeding the boys & girls at rehearsal. Their idea of a food group is Skittles.
Harmless at first. Hot dogs...kosher dill pickles...bananas. But now then how much fun I'm having to think up rude food! Cucumbers with Rome tomatoes sliced in for a long dong to put in the salad.
There are actually "banana sandwiches" in the play.
Okay...so it brings out my creative side.
Any suggestions?
And...well...in Miami Springs if you don't walk thru 3 spider webs taking out the trash or walking to your car in the morning then it's snowing. I bet those banana spiders would still be weaving webs in the snow too!
And didn't Cleopatra have a thing going with snakes? I bet she didn't name him Reggie!
Just saying.

[Laraine]

When setting up the pop-up 'loft' bed in an old VW van in Joshua Tree late one evening, I was standing outside the van in the dark while the guys wrestled cushions and tabletop in or out of place by the interior lights. I saw a cute little kangaroo rat leap up into the van, and innocently called attention to it--I thought it was a very special and smart little critter. Turns out, the guys were not fans of rats, kangaroo or otherwise, and I was treated to the sight of otherwise adult males leaping onto seats or trying to fling themselves from the van to avoid the little varmint. I tried not to snicker, really I did!

[storyteller Mary]

Laraine, why do I have the feeling you didn't try all that hard? . . .any photos?

[Peg H]

Larraine, I blogged about a similar incident with bats.

[Lisa Daily]

Wow,

I'm impressed. No snakes, no bugs for me.

Ack. Double ack.

I'm getting queasy just thinking about it.

Lisa

[Debby]

Where I live, I am surrounded by snakes...and mice...and spiders...and ugh.

Since the snakes are just mice hunters, I will encourage them into a box and then will relocate them down the drive and across the street...so if they try to return they must first avoid the cars and buggies.

My dog isn't much of a mouser, but my dad seems blind to the open areas in the basement where they get in to the house. Darn him.

Now, should I mention that as a child I had a pet...tarantula? Saved him when we were driving to grandma's (in El Paso) from getting splatted. My pet praying mantis ate him, though.