Ship of Fools

Ship of Fools
by Harley

Last week I took my first cruise, not counting “Love Boat” and “The Titanic.”

Not THE Titanic, but the CBS miniseries starring Catherine Zeta-Jones and Peter Gallagher. The one you didn’t see. I never saw it myself. I couldn’t relive the trauma of playing a real person, a demented mother who ran around screeching, “My baby! I’ve misplaced my baby!!” (and then drowned). The good news is I got to hobnob with Roger Rees and Eva Marie Saint and Tim Curry and I had one screechy scene with George C. Scott, the captain. Imagine Dr. Frank-N-Furter and Patton on the same ship.

On the “Love Boat” (not THE “Love Boat,” but the Captain Robert Urich version) I played the writer of vampire novels who thought she was losing her mind, because she kept seeing her own protagonist onboard ship. Think Charlaine Harris spotting Vampire Bill in the buffet line.

On my real life 3-day cruise I lost no children and saw no vampires. Friends suggested it as both affordable (last minute deals) and relaxing, since the kids reportedly love the onboard kid activities and I could loll around on a deck chair and read. And since I haven’t had a vacation (or “family adventure” as Sarah calls them) since 2001 where I wasn’t writing a novel or shooting a film, this sounded dandy.

Except that the “Kid Camp” program was simply floating Day Care and my children were deeply uninterested. The “counselors,” mostly Eastern European, were all nice, even the one that was clearly a former S.P.E.C.T.R.E. agent, but Hannah Montana herself couldn’t have gotten them to spend 3 days there. I bribed them into staying one hour so I could attend a 12-step meeting, which is my idea of a good time, but my son wept at being handed off to Madame Kruschev, and as I was the only attendee at the meeting—held in a bar—I got to liberate him 15 minutes later (he was dolefully playing a video game that involved worm-eating fish.)

There was a great water slide, but the attendant measured my son at 1.5 inches under the required height, even with his hair sticking straight up. Worse, his twin sister made the 48” minimum, and you can imagine how well that went over. And the TV channels were minimal but my 48” daughter developed a deep and inexplicable passion for GOLDEN GIRLS reruns and is still talking about Bea Arthur.

Which got me thinking about my own childhood vacations. We had them every August, my mom stuffing 8 kids and her own mother into a station wagon and hitting the road. My fondest memories?

1. the time we had a blow-out on I-80
2. the night mom’s suitcase fell off the luggage rack onto the Minnesota Turnpike
3. the tornado in Burlington, Iowa
4. the night in the Wisconsin cabin that my sister Mary put on her bathrobe and a bat flew out of the sleeve
5. driving to Grandma’s funeral in Duluth and forgetting to pack my patent leather mary janes.
6. the canoe trip where my brother Joe gashed his foot on a rock and had to be rowed hours to civilization, only to be told it was too late for stitches and having to row back.

So I expect that what my kids will remember best from the cruise is the heart-attack victim getting air-lifted off the ship somewhere near Ensenada. Snafus make the best memories.

And guess what happened in our absence? Our house sold! As my oldest daughter puts it, “That Joseph guy did it.”

Yo, Saint Joe.
Harley

Comments

[Josh]

Great news on the house!

When I was in high school, two of my (older) sisters, my father, and his girlfriend (now my stepmother) drove 350 miles from Bethlehem to Woods Hole, and back, in a 1978 Mustang 2. The next year, two of us took the bus, but we stayed on Chappaquiddick, and we had to take the ferry every time anyone wanted to do anything, except go to what I called the Mary Jo Kopechne Memorial beach/bridge, which is where we did actually go to the beach.

Haven't been back since.

We did spend a week at Sandy Hook in maybe 1968, and the excitement of that week, from a five-year-old's perspective, was that there was a bad car accident at the end of the block, with lots of emergency equipment and bloody occupants. And my mother said we shouldn't go in past our knees because of the undertow.

[Becky Hutchison]

Oh Harley -- GREAT NEWS about the sale of your house! That Joseph guy sure knows how to get them sold, doesn't he?

I agree that the vacations, weddings or whatever events you have with snafus are the most memorable.

A summer vacation to Arkansas coinciding with a heavy-duty hot spell, during which my son and husband had fun hiking, boating and playing golf while I read three Elizabeth George books in the air-conditioned room...

A summer trip to Ft. Lauderdale where the first room we checked into was so full of smoke you could barely breathe, but the replacement room was smoke-free,ten times more spacious and had a balcony...

Coming home from a trip (and just an hour away) when the car died on the interstate, had to be towed to a gas station at the next intersection...checking into a really nice hotel in which the only available room was a suite, and the desk clerk let us have it for the regular room rate...

[William Simon]

Terrific news on the house, and welcome back!

When we lived in Chicago, the "in" vacation among my parents peers was a lake cabin in Minnesota for a week. I don't remember this at all, but it was an old family story that the first two times we were there, I lived in terror of the Hamms Beer Bear, just knowing he was Out There and he was Going to Get Me. I have a hunch that didn't make for much relaxing....

[Joyce Tremel]

Congrats on the house!

We didn't take many vacations when I was a kid, but I do remember the family running through the train station in Chicago when I was five years old. We were going to Iowa to visit relatives and had to catch a connecting train. The only other thing I remember from that trip was my aunt's or grandmother's mean chihuahua named Minnie Mouse.

We've had some great vacations with our kids, but nothing bizarre ever happened.

[michele]

What fantastic news on the house. I'm so happy for you!

We didn't take many vacations when I was a kid, either. But a couple of times we went to visit family in Puerto Rico. There were white sand beaches, swimming pools and on one of the trips even a hotel with room service. It was as great as the Brady Bunch in Hawaii, and definitely a childhood highlight.

My kids are finally old enough that they're really fun on vacations. For so long it was just about managing them and trying to eke out a few minutes for yourself. (Mine never liked the kids' programs either, so we never made them go). These days, I love spending the time with them but they don't always want to be with me. That's life.

[Nancy Martin]

The vacation when we thought my dad was having a heart attack on the QE highway near Toronto, so we stopped at a fabulous hotel with a real maze out back that entertained my siblings and me for a couple of days. Why we didn't go to a hospital, I'm not sure, but the maze was the perfect kid diversion. Years later, my dad finally checked into Johns Hopkins & was diagnosed with a hiatal hernia, not serial heart attacks. Then we went on vacations with him driving while slugging from a Maalox bottle. Fun times.

Great blog, Harley! And that Joseph guy knows what he's doing!

[Susan]

As I read your post this morning, Harley, having just arrived home from our family vacation late last night, I realized that my children's most vivid vacation memory will be that of their mother walking into the silent house after being away for two weeks, opening the refrigerator, dropping to her knees and screaming, "oh no, not again!!!" Every time we go on vacation, we return to the stench of a side-by-side refrigerator that, for reasons known only to God, decides to die. I suspect it konks out the minute it hears our car pulling out of the driveway.

I will be spending my day cleaning out melted popsicles and stinky yogurt. And calling the repair guys who will shake their heads, install another new motor, and hold their noses as they walk by the pile of garbage bags at the curb as they return to the truck.

I don't know why I go on vacation. No earthly good can come from it.

[Kathy Sweeney]

Go, Joe! Great news about the house Harley, and now you get to take advantage of this buyers' market we've been hearing about.

We just got back too, and unlike Susan, had no nasty surprises when we returned. In fact, it was a truly relaxing vacation - the kind I haven't had in many years. More on that Friday.

The only problem was the travel - apparently it hasn't occurred to anyone running the highway dept in West Virginia that the entire state is covered in fog at night, with zero visibility and no guideposts of any kind. Harrowing, and I don't recommend the night drive unless your driver, like my husband, can pull the Iron Man all-nighter and not lose his temper.

As for vacation nightmares, last year's trip home from South Carolina was the topper. Cancelled flights - but not until it was too late to get anywhere else - a stay in a hotel that was struck by lightening and had no A/C - I still can't think about it.

Happy that all the Tarts are back safely and great to 'see' everyone here on the blog.

[Karen in Ohio]

Yay, Harley! Now poor St. Joseph can stand upright again. I'm convinced that's the reason he works so hard for sales. Good luck finding just the right home for you and the kids to begin the next phase of your life.

Eva Marie Saint and George C. Scott! Wow. And what about playing a novelist? There's your foreshadowing, right there.

We never did family vacations as a kid; my parents went places, but they didn't take the four of us. Wonder why. But when I was 14 I did go to Maryland one summer with my aunt, whose husband was on a Navy sub for six months at a time. She took us with her to pick him up from a cruise and I watched, open-mouthed, as he literally bent her backwards and laid the longest, most romantic liplock ever on her. That was a revelation, to see such intense long-married romance; it's inspired me ever since.

My favorite vacation as an adult was the Easter weekend I took my three daughter and my mother to NYC. None of them had ever been there before, and we were lucky enough to find a wonderful three-bedroom B&B on the Upper West Side where we could all be together, with two bathrooms (very important for five females), and great goodies in the tiny kitchenette (former closet). We took the ferry and the subway, and went to FAO Schwartz for my youngest, and drank egg creams and went to see Les Miz, where my star-struck middle daughter got to meet a cast member. My goofy mother took pictures of every damned thing, including planes flying overhead in Central Park, so we got lots of family stories out of the trip, too. My oldest daughter was having a blast pointing out all the celebrities, and we ended up getting in at Carmine's for a spectacular Italian meal, courtesy of the guy who made up the egg creams for us. It was one of the best trips I've ever been on.

[Kerry]

Hooray for the house, Harley! And congratulations on surviving the cruise :)

Family vacations were interesting when I was a kid. My sisters and I all got carsick, so our long drives were restricted to the rare trip to Montana to see my Dad's parents. Dramamine worked its magic, and, as that was back in the day before seatbelts were required, we'd lay down the seats in the station wagon, put a big pad down, and spend the drive snuggled up in pillows playing games. The highlights were all the stops in Nevada, where my Mom inevitably won money on the slots and graciously shared her winnings. The only "disaster" I remember from those trips was the time we were caught in the middle of a cattle drive in the Snake Mountains. The cattle were going the other way, of course. At one point, a bull just stopped in the middle of the road and looked at us until one of the cowboys came and shoed him along. Pretty cool stuff.

The other "big deal" trips were flights east to see my Mom's parents and sister. Disaster struck once when the airline we were flying on went on strike and we wound up making the trip back on the train. I don't remember much except standing in a train station in Chicago.

My best vacation with my daughter was our trip to Europe (Spain, England, Scotland). Once we negotiated mornings (she wanted to sleep, I wanted to be up and moving), we had a great time. At some point, we decided to document our trip by taking pictures of her hat wherever we went -- on statues, in front of Buckingham Palace, etc. What a hoot!

[Harley]

Wow -- you people know how to vacation! Chappaquidick, Elizabeth George in air-conditioned rooms, mean Chihuahuas, zero visibility highways, and refrigerators that party night and day while the cat's away, and then die. So glad I know I'm not alone. You notice the travel agency windows never have posters of these events?

William, we probably were at that same Minnesota lake, as those woods are full of my kinfolk, and all I can say is that it's a miracle anyone there survives the mosquitos.

[Harley]

Kerry, I love the Traveling Hat in Europe idea. Must steal that.

[storyteller Mary]

Well done on the house! -- and may you be perfectly, ecstatically happy in your chosen new home.
Sorry the vacation wasn't all it could have been (at least it was short). On a Carnival Cruise, Bil Lepp's six-year-old loved the children's activities so much that he no longer wanted to come to the formal dinner, even though storytellers can be fun, too. Activities' appeal probably varies with cruise lines, personalities of counselors, and ages of children.
It also seems that cruise lines, like the airlines, are cutting too much in search of low prices. OTOH, I can be so content just walking on the deck and looking at the ocean that the rest just fades into the background.
You are right about remembering the "oh no" moments. On one storytelling cruise, it seemed that every negative possibility anyone voiced would come true, culminating in someone looking at the stacks of luggage being taken ashore and wondering if suitcases ever fell off the top -- whereupon (I'll bet you've already guessed) a suitcase went "splash." We watched them retrieve it with a hook on a long pole, but then it fell open and they were fishing for loose items. I heard later that the woman's jewelry was in that case, despite written instructions not to leave valuables in the bags. We decided to keep silent on negative possibilities after that, no telling what we might have caused otherwise.

[Cathy]

Ah, family vacations. Most of ours were spent with us kids in the back seat of the station wagon going to visit the grandparents "back east". We were California kids, so it was a long drive, and since there were 3 kids and only 2 windows, there was plenty to fight over.

I remember one summer where it seemed that every radio station across the entire country played nothing but "Country Roads Take me Home" and "Only the Good Die Young". Since my Catholic parents definitely did not appreciate Billy Joel's lyrics, it was Country Roads or nothing.

We did get to see so much more of the country than other kids though, and there's really nothing like seeing it from the ground to give you an appreciation for it.

[Tom]

If you go on a car-camping vacation and buy a new tent, do by all means take it out of its box and bag and set it up before you leave.

The Crazed Pianist and I discovered the absence of a - structurally critical - tent pole only after we arrived in King's Canyon National Park. Good thing I liked geometry in high school, and we had some rope, with tall trees nearby.

In the end, I was rather fond of Chester The Limping Tent.

Harley, so sorry the cruise wasn't more fun, but what wondrous news about the house!

[storyteller Mary]

A friend took her two college-age children to Europe a few years back, realizing that it wouldn't be much longer until both would be married and trips with just the three of them would be no longer possible. They made a point of taking pictures with landmarks right behind someone's head, making very unusual "hats" or other appendages in the photos. I've tried to do the trick of angling a shot so someone appears to be holding a ship or building in an outstretched hand, but I never seem to get the angle "just right."

[Debby]

Harley...congratulations on the house!!!

When I was young (and my parents were still married), we would take a big vacation every two or three years to my paternal grandmother's in El Paso TX. We would take a different route each time, going and coming.

I have been to Niagara, through the Dakotas (saw the Chief Crazy Horse monument in the 1970's), Devils Tower, Yellow Stone, the Great Divide, Navajo reservations, spent time with a woman named Carol while at the Grand Canyon, saw many a ghost town, Johnny Appleseed's grave, Boggy Creek, Ciudad de Juarez for beer cans (my brother wanted to collect a bunch of mexican beer cans), and many others.

Off years, we camped. My mom and I still like to camp, although my stepdad spoiled us to roughing it by making us buy a camper so that he could sleep in a semi-real bed. :)

This years vacation with mom was to the wilds of Pittsburgh...as some of you know. The Transplant Games were a blast, and I met some wonderful people (although John has to learn not to yell in his emails, and for the matter sign his name....I almost deleted him as spam! LOL!).

[margaret]

Harley, so happy to hear about the house sale! The combinatin of your preparations and the saint's special skill worked miracles!

I've actually seen that version of The Titanic. Do you think less of me for it?

I love to travel but for years haven't regarded my trips as "vacation".

Either because I'm a writer who just doesn't quite know how to shut it down, ever. Every possible life experience is material.

Or becaue I always know there's that midpoint in the holiday when you realise "this isn't going to last forever" and it just doesn't feel the same after that.

Or because I build in enough "stay-cation" time in my real life for reading and relaxing.

Thinking about vacations of the past, I remember how my parents, brother, and sometimes a Sheltie I would pile into our car and drive for hours to meet the grandparents at the house in the mountains or the house by the sea. Which would eventually be crammed to the rafters with cousins and aunts and uncles. In the morning we had hiking or fishing or beach time, then lunch, then "quiet time" (for me, reading), then going for ice cream, then dinner out or fresh caught fish or crab or shrimp bought from the boats at the dock.

My nieces and nephews hardly ever see their grandparents, who prefer cruises to spending time with their offspring's offspring. Whenever we have the kids here at the lake cottage they sit in a row on the sofa watching loud cartoons on the Disney Channel, or demand to be taken away for mini-golf or go to a "swimming pool" instead of the pristine lake in our front yard.

So I'm relieved that they didn't come this year. Being around them makes me feel out of step, but also more thankful than ever for my youthful summers, which were imperfect but were a cocktail of generations.

[Doc in CA]

Congrats on selling your house, Harley. Here in the Big Tomato, houses are selling only slightly better that raffle tickets for a sharp stick in the eye.

Yes, most of the vacation memories that stick with us are the bad ones. I can still vividly recall my dad inventing new combinations of well known obscenities as he tried to do repairs on our 61 Chevy somewhere in the middle of Utah on a summer day.

And then, of course, there are the many memories of my mom threatening our lives as my sister, brother and I waged war for control of the back seat.

Ah yes, memories.

[Karen in Ohio]

By the way, Harley, my kids have many fond memories of summer vacations spent on North Lake in South Bend, Nebraska. Every summer their dad would aid and abet the little delinquents by helping them put pennies on the railroad tracks, just to see how squished they could get, and one daughter got her first kiss there. Our favorite times at the lake were on Fourth of July holidays. There is nothing as all-American and corny as the Fourth in a small town.

[ArkansasCyndi]

YAY on the house sale. Nothing like a ten-ton monkey off your back!

We used to take one week family summer vacations. Since we didn't have much money, there were loads to trips to Texas - 6 flags over Texas, the Astrodome tour, etc. And Florida beaches were the other cheap vacation. We drove everywhere, with my sister and me fighting over space in the back seat. My favorite memory (which of course involves food) was that we would leave about 3 in the morning and stop about 7 for breakfast, which was always ice cold milk and donut dunking sticks. Yum!

Haven't been on a cruise. Would love to someday.

[Harley]

Karen! There are LAKES in nebraska?

Debby, what are the Transplant Games?

Tom, that is the 3rd Missing Tent Pole story I've heard this year. I'm not kidding. Somewhere out there is the Mad Tent Thief. Look for a tent with 589 tent poles holding it up.

[Karen in Ohio]

I know, crazy, isn't it? North Lake is a ski lake, midway between Omaha and Lincoln (and just past Middle Lake, both manmade). When we first started going there the road was dirt; now they not only paved the road but there is a light, which is funny since there are only about three streets coming off that road. The lake is about a mile long, and about 100' from the Platte. The original cabins were built maybe in the 1930's or 40's, but a lot of them have been torn down and rebuilt, some now lived in all year round. There used to be water skiing competitions there, and it's still a great place to water ski. Our kids learned how to ski on that lake.

One summer it was unbelievably windy almost the entire time we were there. I could finally see why the prairie women used to get "wind sickness".

[Laura (in PA)]

Yay on selling the house, Harley!

We didn't vacation much when I was a kid, since we lived in Central NY and there were lakes everywhere. The one that sticks with me is when we went to the Outer Banks when I was twelve, and Elvis died on my Dad's birthday.

[Auntie Knickers]

Great news on the house sale! I have no vacation stories to relate, but I will mention that my daughters (now 28 and 23) loved Golden Girls and apparently watched it all summer and at every other possible opportunity throughout their tweens and teens. And they actually have turned out OK! Gives the kids a better image of older women than some shows....