Loud Sex

By Sarah Strohmeyer

Of all the news stories that happened in the last week - Musharref's resignation, that the economy will NOT rebound in 2009 and that Bernie Mac was buried with praise - no one can doubt that the most significant was the story of the man evicted from his London area apartment because of "loud sex."

I don't know whether to feel sorry for Adam Hinton or his neighbors because I've been on both ends of the equation. Let's face it - loud sex is fun sex. More oxygen in the lungs means more oxygen you know where. Who stays silent while riding a roller coaster - no one! Or, rather, no one with a soul. I suppose there are pristine WASPS out there who can enjoy an orgasm with a polite cough, but isn't the alternative so much more enjoyable?

ON THE OTHER HAND....I have lived in a thin-walled apartment building (really a house divided) in which listening to loud sex was the absolute worst. When Charlie and I moved to South Royalton, Vermont, so he could go to law school, we were in a rabbit warren of apartments in a farmhouse built for one family. I had to be up at 5 a.m. to be at work by 6 for an afternoon newspaper, we had a baby daughter and we were way past tolerating the kind of drunken/sexual hijinks associated with various law students. In the mornings when I drove to work, I'd pass by the single-family homes and envy them because they didn't have to listen to Loud Sex.

And then there was a very memorable time in Erie, P.A., when I was a reporter covering some sort of story out there. I had stay at Best Western where loud sex seemed to be the norm. Lying awake listening to the  thump, thump, thump of the bed and the moans of ecstasy from the woman prompted me to search out the most reliable white noise machine. I never travel to a hotel - no matter how nice - without it.

So here's my question: Are you a loud sex person and, if so, how do you deal with family/neighbors/guests below you at the Best Western? Or are you a quiet sex person and, if so, are you sublimating your energy out of politeness? Don't you wonder what it would be like to pound the headboard and scream at the top of your lungs?

I'm just asking.....

Sarah

Comments

[Josh]

I'm a guy. I don't care. I just want her to want to be doing it, to act as if she is enjoying it, and to validate my ability to do a basic mammalian act adequately. Everything else is gravy.

But for more fun, why don't we make today "our children, especially teenagers, must read and post day?"

[William Simon]

Our first apartment, the people upstairs were the kind of sexual athletes you usually only see or hear in XXX movies. Then again, these are the same people who were using a circular saw after midnight one time. (Everyone relax, they were building bookcases. There's nothing like being shot out of a sound sleep by the sound of an electric saw right above your head, trust me on that one.)

After the saw incident, I ran into him in the parking lot, and we had a nice polite discussion on manners and politeness and consideration for one's neighbors. His initial reaction was "Who the F--- are you?", but after a few moments he saw the Love of Jesus in my pretty hazel eyes, and gauged my sincerity. Things were quiet for a while, then the bed springs started again. A few weeks after that, they moved out, hopefully to a secluded area where they could saw and bang (pun intended) to their hearts content....

[Kerry]

We are not inherently quiet, but we are polite. We live in a townhouse (shared walls) and have vacationed in thin-walled B&B's, hotels, etc. We've discovered that our, er, marital relations can actually be even more enjoyable under conditions of, um, enforced quiet.

[michele]

Having grown up in a very small apartment and being burdened with loud sex memories of my own parents, I'm determined that my own kids will grow up thinking that we never had sex, or else that we did it only while on vacation without them. And don't anybody give me that 70s crapola about how it's important to model comfort with your sexuality to your kids. Hearing your parents have sex is just deeply disturbing.
Which really only means you have to be careful what you do when, and where.

[xena]

Soooo...I say any sex, loud or not, is great sex! And bless your heart Josh, I thought all men just wanted sex. Nice to know that there is at least one manly man out there who enjoys a woman who enjoys sex! Hurricane ville is a palm tree lined wilderness of divorced and widowed women starved for attention. Loud sex only bothers me if I'm not involved.
Just saying.

[sarahS]

Definitely, Michele. I, too, went through the same experience which is why we're super careful - two doors, muffled everything. I suppose it's just a matter of consideration, isn't it?

Then again...I worry that we're not quiet enough. I should put a tape recorder in the other rooms to check when the kids aren't there. Maybe that'll tell.

But the guy in Britain - talk about over the top. I mean, something's going on there besides letting it all hang out.

And William, why couldn't they have run the saw while having loud sex. Would have taken care of two evils, no?

[Kathy Sweeney]

Hmmm.

Great blog, Sarah, and to you and Michele - ewwww. I'm not sure when my parents had sex (I don't remember their bedroom door EVER even being closed). I cannot imagine *hearing* them.

When we're In the house, with the kids, it's all quiet. Well, mostly quiet. Sometimes pillows are required. And when we had the new water bed delivered, we made sure it was anchored close enough to the wall that no banging (heh) occurred, which had been a problem in the past.

This is one of many reasons that hotel sex is so hot. Sorry to all travelers, but that's part of the perk. When the kids were little we would actually go to a local hotel rather than dinner and a movie. Besides, I'd rather hear humans than porn turned all the way up on the next room's TV. Apparently, lonely travelers develop hearing loss.

Now I have to go find out about this guy in Britain. It must have been some performance to have made the paper.

[Karen in Ohio]

Michele, I heard my parents getting ready to have sex once when I was a kid (Dad was sweet-talking my mom into it), and I have to say that it made me aware that married people have playful sex, and it's normal. Since I grew up Catholic, it was good for me to know that. No idea how I'd have felt if they had started grunting and moaning; I must have fallen asleep. All these years I've thought I heard them having sex, when really all I heard was foreplay. Hmm.

When I was single I moved for six months into an apartment with the randiest possible neighbors right above mine. They must also have been big people, stayed up late, got up early, and did not have a carpet in their bedroom. Every single night they would clomp in, literally kick their big heavy shoes off, leap onto the bed and commence the event. I don't think they did foreplay at all, by the sounds of it. In the morning, before my alarm was set to go off (I don't know why I bothered) they would start up again, then do the whole thing in reverse. I started sleeping on the couch, but finally missed my bed so much that I broke my lease and moved in with friends. Which had a whole different set of problems, but at least I got more than five hours sleep a night.

Other loud sex has intruded into my life (I'm fairly quiet, having had a kid in the house since 1970), but the most unusual time was when I was working in a showroom that had an apartment on the second floor. Apparently the tenant was having a little afternoon delight, and everyone in the showroom could hear it.

[Amanda]

Ok. There is a time and place for loud sex just like there is a time and place for a good cussing session. Public places i.e. hotels/apts, etc are not the time and place. If you are in these places and want to have loud sex do it during the day...when no one is around.

But I gotta say the screaming, headbanging loud sex is awesome. Try it sometime.

[sarahS]

But I gotta say the screaming, headbanging loud sex is awesome. Try it sometime.

Don't you know it!

[ArkansasCyndi]

I cannot remember EVER hearing loud sex, either in an apartment nor a hotel. I feel deprived.

And Sarah - what this rumor I'm hearing about The Cinderella Pact and a movie option???

[Josh]

Cyndi,

Whatever is going on, you don't want to black cat it by asking questions. (That's a sports term, btw.)

The only time I recall hearing loud sex was with a neighbor about 15 years ago. Our houses were next door but not attached to each other. I heard screaming and was wondering about it and then I put two and two together. That relationship has been over for many years, but we still socialize with the noisy half of that partnership; I've never had the heart to mention it to her.

My wife had a suitemate in college who, aside from stealing every man whom she thought one of her suitemates was interested in, would then have loud sex with the guy in her bedroom while all her suitemates were in the suite, and only when other people were around. Whenever one of the women would mention she was interested in a guy, this woman would seduce him. So you had the double whammy of betrayal by the suitemate and the loud sex to prove it.

[Anna C.]

IOCHFTS - but it's not only about sex, with the noise, is it? I mean, there's singing while you work, grunting when you lift weights (and yes, it does really help, and it sounds a lot like sex), and ki-yup-ing (sorry, don't know the word) when you do martial arts. Turning up the radio and singing real loud when you're driving. There must be a whole list of examples of the vocalization contributing to the accomplishment of the task at hand. So to speak.

[Rita Scott]

Ex#1 idea of a motel was the type that made Coral Courts seem clean & modern! I kept quiet there because there was already enough headboard banging & groaning from either side of us.
When we bought a trailer, the floorplan had a bedroom on each end and our bedroom door was kept locked during adult playtime.
Where is Me, Margie today??!!! (when I saw the title of todays blog, I thought she had written it!)
MARGIE, we're waiting for your, um, expert input!

[Nancy Martin]

I have Margie locked in a closet today. I'm hoping she doesn't figure out a way to escape.

[Rita Scott]

Not fair! IOCHFTS!!!

[Me, Margie]

Nice try, Nancy, but I learned how to pick every kind of lock there is from my cousins.

Now, I'm with many of you who say - better loud sex than no sex. Sheee-yit, we've got enough problems in the world without telling people to knock of the knocking off, right?

Some people totally get off on the verbal stuff - some people get off just trying to stay quiet. Whatever. If I were on the Supreme Court - which I could totally never be, because those people are too stuffy, and those black robes - blech - but if I were, I'd toss this kind of crap down the trash hole.

If the landlord doesn't like the way the tenants are doing it, then they should be evicted - or better yet, put some damn insulation in the place. Or have some ball gags delivered anonymously. You don't have to be a genius to fix this. Duh.

Why the hell is the government involved? Seriously, people, uh, the U.K. has the same kinds of problems we do, and they're spending time on dirty talk? That is fucking nuts.

As for the screamer couple - geez, mix it up a little. I mean, I like the loud stuff as much as anyone, but not every time. I'll bet somebody in that mess is faking, at least part of the time. Just saying.

[sarahS]

Yeesh, those Cinderella girls sure can gab. I am proud to announce that THE CINDERELLA PACT is under development as a Lifetime movie with a tentative airing date of next year. And so is THE SLEEPING BEAUTY PROPOSAL which is being produced by LionsGate films....Of course there are NO PROMISES in this business, but so far everything is proceeding well. I'm really excited!

[Karen in Ohio]

Sarah, I'm giddy with excitement for you!

Margie, I'm with you--there's faking going on, for sure.

[William Simon]

SARAH!

That is terrific news! Even better that you're keeping a Cool Head about it....there's a long long road between "optioning" and seeing it on-screen, and about a gozillion things can change.

BUT....this is terrific news! Congratulations!

[mome]

Hooray Sarah! I hope and pray it happens!

[Debby]

See what a good girl I have been...I didn't say nothin' until Sarah did! Congratulations, Sarah!!! This news about TCP and TSBP has been giving me the giddy giggles often since you swore me to secrecy.

As for the sex thing...I think that it is better to mix it up. Sometimes quiet, and sometimes not.

[Lolita Flowers]

The jury is still out......but apprently my running commentary is awesome. Check it out ...Audible Talents, a recent post.

[Nancy Martin]

Sarah, go ahead and click on Lolita's name. I think somebody's trying to save you.

And because I've heard a few of the CINDERELLA PACT movie details behind the scenes, I hope you'll blog about the experience eventually!

As for Margie? I'm foiled again.

[sarahS]

I think Lolita got skunked!