Kathy's Anger Surrogate Tips

By Kathy Sweeney

Okay, thanks to all of you good people on TLC, I have found my calling:

Anger Surrogate.

Since I can't actually be there when you need me (not yet - but the Internet is developing every day and I could soon be just a click away) I thought I'd take this opportunity to give you anger-challenged people a few tips.

1. If you are angry, it's legit. There may be a good reason, or a dumb reason, but you are entitled to your anger. Don't summarily dismiss it.

2. Picture the object of your anger as the stone asshole that he or she really is. I'm not talking about the anatomical part - although if that works, by all means. (P.S. I wonder how someone decides they want to grow up and be a proctologist?). Some people recommend picturing them naked or in their underwear. That kind of image would probably make me barf, but if it works for you, do it.

3. Try to step back - emotionally - even physically if you have to. Hitting someone can be the most satisfying act in the universe, but these days, they arrest you for that crap. Jail is bad, bad juju. And yeah, violence is not the answer. Not that I don't think about it. In detail. With a plotline and everything. Just saying.

4. If you are righteously angry (that means it's not for a dumb reason) - channel it. Lock your jaw - as a matter of fact, some people believe that shifting the jaw makes crying physically impossible. Who knows and who cares - if you believe it, it can be true. Another trick is to dig a fingernail into your palm, or generate minor pain from another source - it distracts the brain and helps you focus.

5. Take a deep breath before you speak. The object of your anger can damn well wait for you to choose your words. If you can't speak without crying or lunging for their jugular, conjure up the most withering look you can and just walk away. Another nice touch is to use your middle finger to wipe your eyes. Of course it's childish. So?

6. If looking the jagoff in the eye makes you crazed, pick a spot over their shoulder. This has the added bonus of dismissing the person in a very subtle way.

7. Ask yourself: "What would Kathy Sweeney say?" Feel free to substitute someone else you'd like to mimic. On those rare occasions when all I feel like doing is yelling "You asshole! I'd like to choke you with your own eyeballs so you can watch yourself die" I try to think - "What would Julia Sugarbaker say?". If you really want to let loose, and there are no kids around, ask yourself: "What would Margie say?" Do that one at your own risk.

8. Disdain is the key to angry sparring. The source of your anger deserves nothing more than your disdain. Show it. Even the most benign message ("Really?" or "How nice for you") can cut like a knife if you deliver it properly.

9. Don't bite off more than you can chew. Don't ask a question ("Have you always been a freaking piece of shit?") because that just invites a response. We don't need no stinkin' response. Say as little as you need to, and get out.

10. Finally, know when to exit. Just because the jagoff is still talking doesn't mean you need to listen. A flip of the hand (or finger) suffices to say good-bye.

Okay - your turn. We might be able to get our own TV show from this, y'know? I mean, look at Dr. Phil. Really.

Comments

[Peg H]

Verbal Judo is a wonderful thing. DH had a course in it as part of his ongoing police training and as he did with much of his training, he taught me. Here's a handy book to read on the subject, Verbal Judo: The Gentle Art of Persuasion, by George Thompson, PhD, a Trade PB from Harper Paperbacks.

It has served me well over the years. ;D

[William Simon]

Something I have found to be extremely effective is to suddenly become very interested in my fingernails. Curl your fingers in toward your palm, pretend you are giving yourself a Laser Manicure. Then hold them out straight and do it again. Depending on the SA, do as long as necessary. When the SA stops, or pauses, count to five. Look up innocently, meet their eyes, and say, "I beg your pardon? Did you say something?"

The results can, on occasion, be spectacular....:)

[Nancy martin]

I want these 10 ideas put on a little card I can carry in my wallet!

[Joyce Tremel]

Great tips, and oh so timely.

Thanks, Kathy!

[Josh]

Here's a suggestion:

When you are drafting a contract document, don't ask the other party to give a rep and warranty that it is not "an agent of Satan or some other Force of Evil." You can get into trouble from the humorless stiffs in HR when the document gets sent out with that rep & warranty showing and the agents of Satan from the other party complain about it.

Not that I have experience with that happening. Well, yes, I do. And we laugh at it now, although we weren't laughing then.

[mary alice at mystery lovers bookshop]

WWKSS
Priceless!

[Harley]

Beautiful, Kathy!

Here's a phrase I never used in my whole life before last summer, that has gotten me through the past year. It's too civilized to be any fun, but it's handy when everything you say can be used against you and/or the kids are within earshot.

"I'm hanging up now. Goodbye."

Not even an agent of Satan can do much with that.

[Kathy Sweeney]

Peg - I'm afraid the gentle approach has passed me by, but I may get that for my son!

William - I am totally using that. I even have a manicure to check most of the time. In the summer, I can even add a pedicure inspection to the drill.

Oh Nancy - you don't need a list. Just channel Mick.

Josh - I didn't know you did contract work for the government. hee.

Joyce - HTF are you? I'm here if there is anything I can do to help.

Assholes in uniforms can be the absolute worst. Put them behind a podium or a table on a committee, and you can double the asshole factor.

[Kathy Sweeney]

Oops - missed you Harley and Mary Alice.

Harley - you have come a long way, baby.

Mary Alice - you are another source of inspiration for me if I get to pissed to be cogent. You could write a book on how you handled judges alone.

[Elaine Viets]

Kathy, I am sending this link to a good friend who is going through a bad time. She needs to read this.

[bea]

I don't get angry too often, but when I do, it hits like a wave--a huge wave, and I am immediately still, on alert, ready to fight. Obviously the adrenaline surge, which would be excellent if I were facing a bison.

I have learned to do everything I can to calm before I speak. Otherwise, classically, I say things I regret. And I say them in a low voice that is scary--my version of growling, no doubt.

I have experimented with withdrawing from the situation. This works, but then I seethe, which is worse than the anger.

[Laura (in PA)]

What do you mean, you can't be here? I was totally counting on you when I need someone who has the presence of mind to think of great things to say at the moment, instead of 4 hours later when I'm by myself.

OK, like Nancy, I'll need the card for my wallet. I totally need to try those things not to cry, because that's usually my first reaction. Big baby.

Thanks, Kathy. Wusses like me need strong people like you to help us get by.

[Maryann Mercer]

I do think we need to push the card angle here, especially for those of us not right in the neighborhood. I'm taking this to work with me...county fair week brings out all sorts of people who believe that B&N is a great place to hang out, leave a mess and then walk out for the next big tractor pull (without purchasing so much as a tall latte). Biting your lip doesn't help, unless you want a fat lip. Thanks Kathy...once you get established, you could start a franchise with branch offices all over the country :o)

[michele]

I admire you for providing this public service, Kathy, though unfortunately I'm not in need of it. Lately, if you look at me funny I will jump down your throat. Anybody out there up for the role of calmness surrogate?

One person I'm not angry at is Ramona. No. Ramona I feel sorry for. Word is finally out. Blond Bond is a little tiny twerp who wears shoe lifts.

http://www.mailonsunday.co.uk/tvshowbiz/article-1036572/For-size-James-Bond-wears-stacked-heels-hes-says-star.html

Clive, on the other hand, is 6'2" and one half. I mention the 1/2 on the theory that there can never be enough Clive. Ramona, whenever you're ready to concede defeat, I'm here.

[Rita Scott]

A big shit-eating grin, while looking at the point over their shoulder, really messes with their minds.Then laughing and shaking your head as you walk away, it's totally unexpected!

[ramona]

Michele, you are so sweet to post an article about Daniel Craig's good humor and one that mentions how he got the last laugh at his critics when he gave a fantastic performance as Bond! And I thought you didn't like him, you big silly.

About anger--want someone to get fumed at? Try this jagoff, to use a Kathyism:

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/steve-young/a-savage-betrayal-of-huma_b_113510.html

Because it takes a big brave Savage man to pick on autistic children.

[Karen in Ohio]

Kathy, you are the anger goddess, truly!

A distressing business situation came to a scary head just as I was about to deliver a talk to a group of business peers. My nemesis was in the audience of about 75 people, and I was concerned that I would be too nervous to do well in the talk, knowing she was there. So I confronted her just before the talk, stuck out my hand and said "Why don't we bury the hatchet?" She made a very smart alecky remark about having no need to do such a thing (despite the fact that the disagreement was all on her side). I did a short doubletake, then cracked up, since we were having this exchange right in front of someone highly influential in our industry. I walked away, still laughing, and had one of the best talks ever. It defused the situation, in just the right way, and I never had a problem with this individual again. Totally accidental impulse, on my part, but I've used laughter in other situations since with the same results.

My husband and I have discussed how we used to get a lot more fussed over things when we were younger than we do now that we're in our late 50's. I guess the perspective is different.

[michele]

Wow, Ramona. That was impressive anger management.

[janetlynn13]

Wow, Kathy! I'm a little late here, but I am printing this and keeping it near.

I will remember WWKSS!

Thanks

[janetlynn13]

Wow, Kathy. I'm a little late here, but I am going to print this and save it.

I will remember WWKSS!