Margie's War Story
by Me, Margie
Yeah, it's Me again even though I just posted on Friday. A double-shot of Me, Margie. Why? Because I can't keep quiet any more, and since I'm posting this on a Sunday, the rest of the clan will get in less trouble, because most people don't check the blog on Sunday. I never stop thinking, and don't you forget it.
Sometimes, you have tell it like it is. Yeah, I know that nobody wants to talk about it. But that is precisely the time for storytellers and tellers of truth, like Me, Margie, to step up. Oh - and I speak only for myself here - not the rest of the Book Tarts, or the official TLC blog, or anything. So if you don't like what I have to say - you come at me, and me only. If I couldn't take it, I wouldn't have said it. Oh - and I know this is a long story. It was supposed to be a very short story. But then, shit happened. So?
Once upon a time, there was bad wizard. As any one who has ever listened to Hagrid will confirm, not all wizards are good. This wizard took on many forms over the course of the history of the world. Most recently, he took the shape of a two-headed beast we'll call Donald Dick. (Don't get excited, it's a bad kind of dick.) So clever was the wizard that most people saw him as just a small group of men.
Donald Dick loved to make wars. It was his favorite. He always started the same way. In his many faces, he started telling people that the war was necessary. Some people, for whatever reason, jumped in right away. "Yes! A War! Great idea!" They said. I think those people had to pay for sex and had major over-compensation issues, but that's just my theory.
But some people were appalled. They said things like: "Hey - you can't just make that decision! You need facts. You need Intelligence." (As for Me, Margie, I think you could capitalize that word or leave it lower case - because these whacks had neither.) Some people even said: "War is not the first choice - it's the last choice. Got get a sports car or something, for god's sake." Those people were fired or just told to shut up.
Some people simply ignored Donald Dick and his war men, thinking - there is no way in hell these liars and dumbasses are going to get anyone to believe this shit. Let them get together and circle up and play spin the jagoff or whatever they do to get off when they don't have hookers or pages around, and eventually they'll move on to some other lame brain idea. Which might have worked, but Donald Dick was a very determined and evil wizard who didn't even care about hookers or cars.
Donald Dick and his war men got pissed off because they realized The People (we all remember 'We the People', right? Anyone? Bueller?) expected facts. "Facts?!" the war men said to each other. "We don't need no stinking facts! We are the MEN IN CHARGE". But Donald Dick used one of his voices and said - "No big. They want facts? We'll give them facts." So they made them up. That's right. They just fucking made them up, and then they had one of their little hamster-like pals call the newspaper and say: "Guess what I heard? The people we want to war with have really bad stuff." Then the paper put it on the front page, and then the war men - and one woman, I am very sorry to say - would cite the news story as if it were something, you know, like real news. And so on and so on. It's like an echo, but it gets louder instead of softer.
And then they got other spineless stooges to put this crap on official war men government agency letterhead, as if that made it the truth. But it didn't really matter, because no one in the legislature really read the stuff anyway. Because reading, if you are in the government, is just too hard, especially the footnotes. I mean, who has time, what with all the fundraising and trysts and bathroom shenanigans and other critical scheduling conflicts, right?
By the time they were done, Donald Dick and the war men even convinced some good people to go along with them. We don't know why, but they did. This is how powerful lies can be. Good people can believe them, and stake their entire careers and credibility on them. Which is how good people come to spend the rest of their lives filled with regret. Which is very sad.
And so it came to pass that the whole country went to war, even though there never really was a good reason. To make matters even worse, there wasn't even any cake. Of all the dirty tricks, that one was the dirtiest. You don't promise people like Me, Margie, cake, and then bail on the delivery. Seriously. Not even a wizard can pull that and get away with it. And hence the people started to get angry.
Because if you are going to lie about cake, you will lie about anything, and everyone with half an ounce of sense, or vanilla extract, knows that. Donald Dick couldn't have cared less. He and the war men just kept doing whatever they wanted - and some of it was really, really bad. Like torture.
So the people rose up and said -- "Hey! We have elections coming up! We want out of this war!" Then far and wide, candidates promised "Vote for us! We will stop the evil war!" Do you think Donald Dick was nervous? Hell no. Because that wizard knows that most people, especially elected ones, have no balls. And he was right.
The new Anti-War Men and Women did nothing. In fact, they sent more young men and women to die, and otherwise just stood there with their thumbs up their asses while the war men and women started shredding the Constitution, which is an extraordinarily wicked thing, not that anyone seemed to notice.
And even the news people stopped talking about the war, because it was too much of a downer, bad for ratings, and besides, both J. Lo and Brangelina were having twins!
So the war went on and on. And soon the Donald Dick and the war men realized they needed more people to go fight and die, because the ones they started with were getting hurt or coming home in coffins, which they wouldn't let anyone see. Know why? Because there is no way to bullshit your way out of a planeload of coffins. You can spin your way to professional dervish, and you've still got to account to the mothers and fathers and brothers and sisters and husbands and wives and CHILDREN of the dead heroes in those boxes. So they don't let anyone see.
How do you get more people to fight in a war? Easy, said the war men, as Donald Dick whispered in their ears. Institute a Draft. A Draft is where you have to go kill people in someone else's war even if you don't want to. And if you are too old to go, then they will take your sons and daughters. And the war men don't give a damn because they didn't care about the first death, or the 4,000th or the 10,000th. They only care about their war, which justifies it all. Because it's pretty easy to say it's all worth it when none of your kids are being shot at or blown up.
And suddenly, the regular people were furious! "How dare someone come for MY family?!" The people cried. In the streets, and in the grocery store, they ranted and raved, and when one of their neighbors said: "But my daughter died in that war years ago, and you didn't seem upset at that point, did you?" the people ignored their neighbors. Because that is what people do. They don't give a shit until it's visited upon their house.
And then the peace demonstrations, which had dwindled down to about twenty people on the street corner once every six months, became huge and powerful, so Donald Dick and the war men called them "treasonous riots". Someone overheard Donald Dick call out for his four horses and his hired guns, and the people were silenced by whatever means necessary.
Which is how the real enemy showed itself to the people. They finally realized that neither Donald Dick nor the war men were just interested in war. They were interested in absolute power.
This was what Donald Dick had been waiting for. So he and his war men didn't stop at one war. They instituted curfews and martial law. And they called the Bill of Rights "Quaint" - just like the Geneva Conventions. And they killed or locked up everyone who dared disagree with them. And when the people came after Donald Dick with torches and pitchforks and uzis and rocks, he threw his multiple heads back and laughed, and then he disappeared, because his work was done.
Then, as always happened when Donald Dick spread ruin and misery and death and destruction, the people who just wanted freedom and peace looked for a new place to live so they could declare their independence. But you know what? They had no where to go, because that space had already been taken.
And no one lived happily ever after.
You know what you always put at the end of a story, right? "The end." Well, I am not putting that. Because we can change our story. Damn straight we can. But we have to stand up. We have to talk. Even when we don't want to. Hell, most of us talk all the time anyway. So throw in some words about the war. Get someone else talking. Please? Wait a minute - screw PLEASE - this is Me, Margie talking to you damnit- just DO IT.