Wedding Bell Blues/blacks/whites
By Harley

On Friday, I heard on NPR (my primary news source, along with STAR magazine at the grocery checkout line) that Jenna Bush was getting married.

“What?” I thought. “Why wasn’t I told? Why wasn’t I invited?”

Here’s why: I have nothing to wear. As you may remember, I’ve weeded out non-essentials in my life, including truckloads of clothes, stuff I’d kept for some oddball reason (I paid full price for it/had sex in it/wore it the day I encountered Al Pacino on the sidewalk.) Anyhow, what’s left in the dressy department are some loud floral numbers appropriate for Hawaii – and eight little black dresses.

The Hawaiian thing I understand—everyone needs something that looks good with a lei. But what’s with those eight little black dresses?

I have two theories. One: in a parallel universe I am Audrey Hepburn, living in New York, needing eight black frocks because at any given time 3 are at the drycleaners and there is always an impromptu cocktail party requiring my presence.

Two: it’s genetic. I’m Slovak/Scandinavian, with big families on both sides, and some ancient relative always at death’s door. One must be prepared. To illustrate (and stop me if I’ve told you this), my Aunt Viera in Pittsburgh, upon hearing Uncle Johnny cry out “Aaaggh!” one afternoon, was heard to say, “Dear God, there’s Johnny having another heart attack and me without a black dress.” (Uncle Johnny’s outcry, in fact, was from sitting on Aunt Viera’s pinking shears, left on the couch.) If there’s one thing Kozaks admire, it’s a woman who looks good graveside (men don’t count. Men have suits.) Think Jackie Kennedy.

So yes, I’m an excellent choice of guest for your funeral. But your marriage ceremony is another story.

I realized that this week during our own Nancy’s couture crisis. Nancy has to attend a Very Important Wedding, the details of which I am not at liberty to disclose (think Jenna’s friends) but she’s wrestling with Nuptial Dress Code. Is anything more complex? One seeks clues in the style of the invitation (font, of course, but there is also paper to consider: white or ecru? Hand-lettered calligraphy or computer labels?), the venue (Jenna’s non-Texan guests must have been driven mad with that pre-wedding barbecue), and the season, the religious convictions/conventions, and the exact relationship of you to the wedding principle (are you a sibling, a client, an old flame? Will you be in the wedding album photos?) And even if you’re confident you know what ballpark you’re in, you still have to find something that fits, that you can afford, that doesn’t make you feel like Pat Nixon.

And it mustn’t be black. Or white. There are 2 kinds of people in this world, those who consider this the 11th commandment, and those who didn’t get the memo. You don’t wear black to a wedding because it’s bad luck (even if you know the marriage doesn’t have a snowball’s chance in hell) and you don’t wear white because you’ll upstage the bride. Is this rule outdated? Yes. If you can ignore it, go for it. I can’t, anymore than I can wear white shoes after Labor Day. Legions of Dead Aunts would descend, tut-tutting and raising their ghostly eyebrows. I may as well wear clogs and a macramé poncho.

Nancy, good luck at the mall this week. Jenna, lovely dress—and big thanks for not sending ME down that long road to Macy’s, Neiman Marcus or Saks. Thank you for not inviting me to the wedding. Thank you for not knowing me.

Happy Monday.
Harley

Comments

[Janis]

Harley,

You could always replace one of your black dresses with a taupe one. Then, if all else fails, you could fade into the woodwork. Actually, I think taupe clothing looks classy, but what's with everybody painting their walls taupe these days?

I didn't get an invitation to the wedding either. But, even if I had, I'd've pled LBJ: "If nominated I will not run; if elected I will not serve!"

[Harley]

Yes, Janis. Excellent advice. But taupe doesn't grow on trees. There's never any taupe when you need it, have you noticed that?

[Susan]

I was standing in my closet the other day, surveying the scene and realized I own more black pants, skirts and dresses than any sane person needs. Maybe I am subconsciously stocking up for my future as a pastor (nothing says ministerial like black), but it was pretty depressing. Holly Go Lightly would feel right at home in my closet.

I like the taupe idea. Although I tend to look washed out in beige.

I am shopping for a graduation dress in the next two weeks (hello world, I'm back!) so any advice for something *other* than black is appreciated.

[Kathy Sweeney]

My family still observes the no black or white rule. One of my Italian cousins actually suggested that her bridesmaids wear black and The Aunts had to convene a special Novena. She chose pink.

Susan - red. You look great in red, and for all the fallen away RCs in the church (and we are legion) nothing says "Listen Up, people!" like red. You can skip the pointy hat, though.

Or, you could go way out on a limb and wear your Cap'n Jack Sparrow T-shirt.

[Anna C.]

I recently said to my husband "I need a new black outfit." "Why?" he asked. "Because considering our ages we're going to start going to funerals pretty regularly," I said. Is that morbid? Or realistic? When I lived in NJ I had lots of black - that was what one wore to everything from the gym to dinner dates. In Ohio, it's pretty much for a) funerals and b) showing off. I was in France earlier this spring (that would be showing off) and noticed that fancy stores (which I did not enter) were doing lots of taupe in combination with gold and white. Lovely, if not practical. Nothing "fade into the woodwork" about it, either.

[Kathy Sweeney]

P.S. Does anyone else remember getting their "colors" done? Coral and periwinkle were my top two.

I remember the woman holding up the olive green fabric and muttering: 'death'. I think that means it's okay to be buried in it - otherwise, not so much.

[Joyce Tremel]

Kathy, I remember getting my colors done. Mine were royal blue, purple and red--the royal colors, which makes perfect sense since I am the queen (in my family, anyway). I prefer earth colors like brown, but I can't wear beige or taupe.

I don't own ANY dresses at the moment, but I have a pair of black pants that I wear for just about everything, when I'm not wearing jeans, that is. I do, however, have several black t-shirts and sweaters.

I tried shopping for a dress recently, but they were all in that knit polyester fabric that I wore back in the seventies. Back then, when I weighed about two pounds, I could get away with wearing that fabric. But now? I'm not wearing anything that requires me stuffing myself into today's version of a girdle first.

[ramona]

Harley, I hope you kept your macrame poncho, because I think it's back in style.

Every time I hear about Jenna's pre-wedding BBQ, I think of that scene in Giant when Elizabeth Taylor faints after being served a heaping spoonful of steaming hot cow brains. I wonder if that was on the menu.

Joyce--NO dresses? Not even a denim skirt?

[Harley]

Yes! I had my colors done! I'm a Spring. We're all Springs in my family, I think, although Dory might have been on the cusp of Autumn. One of my sisters-in-law was a summer, which we found terribly exotic. Two, maybe three of my sisters still have their swatches, which are like a large collection of paint chip samples, which they used to carry in their purse.

Girls, if you're still carrying them, I'm not making fun of you. Honest.

I had to give up on my colors, though. Springs are NOT supposed to wear black.

[Nancy martin]

Harley, I have GIVEN UP. I have shopped:

King of Prussia
Tyson's Corners
New York City
Philadelphia
Pittsburgh
Cleveland

and everywhere else in between. I'm willing to pay any price. ANY PRICE. BUT THERE IS NOTHING TO WEAR THAT'S FOR SALE. Why are clothes so dreadfully ugly these days????

Of course, my problem of what to wear to this Very Important That We Don't Alert The Media wedding, which I cannot tell you about until it's over, but believe me you'll hear all the detaisl, is that I am neither a Spring nor a Summer, but a little of both, plus I want to cover up my neck (See Nora Ephron) and my upper arms and it might be hot and I'm prone to hot flashes and it's outdoors and---well, there are just too many variables. And I'm a size 16 on a good day.

So I gave up. There's something in my closet. At least I hope something will come floating to the top one of these days.

[Nancy martin]

I do look terrible in black, so maybe I'm a spring after all.

[Harley]

Nancy, I am shocked -- SHOCKED. I would've pegged you as a fullblown Summer, or even a Winter.

We all feel your pain. Perhaps a seance is in order, for that perfect outfit to surface, either in your closet or in a store?

[michele]

OK, two things, people. First, let no one doubt the magical powers of the Little Black Dress. I don't care who you are, it will make you look thin and sophisticated with minimal effort. Harley, you're slender and blonde with good cheekbones. A thin blonde with good cheekbones in a LBD is the gold standard! Get rid of them? What are you thinking? If you want to make your life easier, just start wearing them all the time. Formal event? Wear them with stilettos and a satin bag. Picking up the kids from school? Wear one with cute flip flops. Food stains on one? Sponge it off. The LBD is indestructible, and the beauty of this is, they're already in your closet.

Now secondly -- event shopping. I have a foolproof method. First I decide what genre of outfit I need. For example, last weekend I went to a fancy bat mitzvah in New York. I decided I needed a dressy suit in a light color. Then I go to a place (shopping mall, department store, etc.) that's likely to have a selection. Then I allot myself a limited period of time. This period of time should be anywhere from one to four hours, but no more than four because otherwise you get discouraged and overthink it all. Then I choose the item in that genre that looks best on my figure, and I don't look back, I don't second guess. If there are defects in the outfit, I make up for it with hair, makeup, shoes and bag. You have to control the shopping and not let it control you.

[JodiL]

Nancy, I found shopping on the internet at your favorite store works. I chose Nordstrom when I was looking for a LBD earlier this year. Here's the beauty of the process. You put in the category, in my case LBD, and search. Then scan through the pictures of ONLY your search criteria. This way you don't have to run from department to department to find the various selections of dresses that fit your category and ultimatly run screaming and crying from the store. OK, you will see lots of dresses with itty bitty straps or no straps or skirts that would qualify as aprons, but there will be selections with sleeves, higher necks, etc. Pick one, pick two, pick three, what the heck. Have them shipped using the expedite shipping. At Nordstrom it's only $5 no matter how much you order and sometimes it's even free. Returns are free and easy. Try them on in the privacy of your very own bedroom and voila! The perfect dress. It worked for me and it will work for you. Harley, I am with you on white shoes after Labor Day and white or black to a wedding. I'm afraid of my grandmother who would return from her grave and haunt me for the rest of my natural life if I broke one of the rules.

[janetlynn13]

Nancy, I feel your pain. I have a wedding to attend at the end of the month, and no idea what to wear. At least my event isn't going to make the news.

[Joyce Tremel]

No, Ramona. Not even a denim skirt. I'm thinking I might get one of those long, swirly skirts and a shawl and pretend I'm Stevie Nicks. Or not.

Nancy, have you tried my favorite store, Coldwater Creek? They have a huge assortment online.

[Karen in Ohio]

Harley, my daughter is in the process of culling her wardrobe, prior to moving across the country (and it's about time she got her stuff out of my already stuffed house). Yesterday she asked my advice about the wisdom of keeping five black dresses, and of course I told her the same thing Michele told you--keep 'em, as long as they fit. I wish I had two LBD's, at least. And taupe would look good on you, with your coloring, but not so much on those of us with Winter coloring. Talk about fading into the woodwork! No quicker way to look like death warmed over for a Winter.

Nancy, do you have time to have something made for you? A good dressmaker is the very best wardrobe help you can have, in my opinion. But you need a lead time of at least three months, if she's/he's any good, especially this time of year, with lots of weddings coming up. Also, what kind of wedding is it? If it's a very formal one, can you get away with wearing a skirt--either long or short--and a fancy top.

The problem with Coldwater Creek is that nothing they have fits anyone with more than a B-cup bust. And they don't have much in the way of truly dressy. What about Nordstroms?

[Harley]

Karen, very good plan re the dressmaker. In our family, WE were the dressmakers. We had our own sewing machines before we were in B-cups. I don't recall a single Kozak wedding, back in the day, when someone wasn't at the sewing machine an hour before, finishing up their dress. One sister (Dory again?) was putting on her pantyhose, in the car, while driving.

[Harley]

Michele, I want you to come and run my life. Better still, we need to send you to Iraq to organize things there.

[Mary Storyteller]

JodiL, I like your shopping tips and will file them away for future "emergencies." Right now, I'm buying very little new, as I'm trying to hold onto cash and downsize "stuff" for the move (early July! ;-) so I'm using Nancy's
"There's something in my closet. At least I hope something will come floating to the top one of these days."
In fact, that's what I did for the fancy dinner for our storytelling Festival -- I wanted to downplay, cover up, the strange rash on my neck, so I grabbed a pink silk shirt that I wasn't even sure would fit (but it did), and I wanted to keep on my comfy shoes, so I grabbed a floor-length skirt I bought in Guatemala 30 years ago -- and garnered so many compliments. Sometimes it pays not to follow that rule about getting rid of things you haven't worn in x number of months . . .
Have fun at the wedding!!

[ramona]

Joyce, get in your car and come to visit me, because I live near TWO Coldwater Creek outlets! Half of my closet bears CC tags. The other store that I adore is the Black & White shop.

What about this, Nancy? I know it's orange, but so was the cover of one of your books.

http://www.coldwatercreek.com/Products/Product.aspx?productid=40137&ensembleid=45995

[ramona]

Karen, have you looked at this page?

http://www.coldwatercreek.com/Products/prodList.aspx?provider=productsearch&cmd=czNewPage&path=All+Products%2F%2F%2F%2FApparel%2F%2F%2F%2FDresses%2F%2F%2F%2FSpecial+Occasion%2F%2F%2F%2FUserSearch%3DDept.Channel+ID%3D1&ProductsPerPage=61

I will stop now, although I think CC should give me a discount for all of this free advertising.

[Karen in Ohio]

Same here, Harley, with me being our family dressmaker. It never mattered if we couldn't find something to wear in the store because I always knew I could make it better, anyway.

Your sister sounds like mine, a little crazy around the edges!

[Kerry]

Nancy, I feel your pain. I absolutely dread the day I need to shop for a "dressy dress" (unless my "skorts" count, I no longer own a single dress or skirt). Partly because shopping for the dress itself would be traumatic, but even more because shopping for the shoes would be a nightmare. I'm pretty sure that even the best LBD doesn't look good with Birkenstocks or Sketchers.

So, I can see you in a pretty spring skirt and classy, feminine jacket with some bright florals; would a matching scarf take care of the neck issue?

[Karen in Ohio]

Wow, Ramona, I had no idea they had such a great selection of frocks. It might be time for a visit to CC--and they so owe you a discount!