Metrosexual vs. Retrosexual

by Neil Plakcy, who writes compelling mysteries about Hawaiian detective Kimo Kanapa'aka, struggling to fight crime as he comes out as a gay police officer.

I don't like to admit failure. But I just can't seem to get the metrosexual thing down. I can't give up my Hawaiian shirts. I can't be bothered to get my hair cut until it's so shaggy it blows in my face, and I can't muster much interest in grooming products. Surfing the internet recently, though, I found the term that seems to define me: retrosexual, "a man with an undeveloped aesthetic sense who spends as little time and money as possible on his appearance and lifestyle."

That seemed a little harsh--but sometimes the truth hurts.

I don't know the difference between mauve and fuchsia, and I don't care. I don't know what my skin type is, I think plucking your eyebrows is needlessly painful, and I don't like facials, manicures or pedicures. (I know, having tried one of each as a part of a desperate attempt to make myself more presentable when I wa dating.)

But am I ready to go the other way--to be a retrosexual? Time for a little self-examination.

"A retrosexual not only eats red meat, he often kills it himelf."  I love a good piece of prime rib, but I'm not going to kill the cow for it. That's what restaurants are for.

"A retrosexual does not order a green apple martini at a bar." Do Cosmopolitans count? I do like a good microbrewed beer. But a retrosexual probably sticks to Bud or Miller.  Guess I fail on this count.

"A retrosexual should know how to properly kill stuff (or people) if need be." I'm a mystery writer. I kill people all the time. Thumbs up.

"A retrosexual should have at least one good wound he can brag about." I've got a few scars--but am I going to brag about slicing my foot open on a bicycle pedal when I was nine? Don't think so.

"A retrosexual man is not ashamed of his body nor the sounds and smells that might emanate from it. He understands the theraputic value in a well rendered belch. In public or not." I'm not sure that this is one I should admit to, but you know what they say, if the shoe fits...

"A retrosexual will have at least one outfit in his wardrobe designed to conceal himself from prey." Hmm... I guess aloha shirts don't count.

"A retrosexual man can use a knife. His preferred pocket knife is the Swiss army knife." Hey, I've got a knife like that. Mostly I use it for trimming my nails, but at least I've got the possibility of scaling a fish or sawing a small branch.

"A retrosexual man doesn't mind getting dirty. Men lived for thousands of years without washing their hands every fifteen minutes." Amen, brother. I make sure to wash my hands after using the restroom, or picking up the dog's poop. Anything after that is gravy.

Finally, my favorite: "A retrosexual does not let neighbors f--k up rooms in his house on national TV." No problem there. I remember one show in which the decorator covered one whole wall with moss. Here in Florica, we call that hurricane damage, not interior decorating.

The actual retrosexual code is a lot longer, and easy to find online. On balance, I'm about fifty percent retrosexual. If I was still single, I'd get my hair cut more often, and I'd watch my manners, too. But being happily partnered, I figure I'll live by what I consider the essence of the retrosexual code: just deal with it. Deal with who you are, and that'll make you happiest in the end.

Neil Plakcy's Kimo novels are fast-paced, emotionally compelling reads about a police officer coming to terms with his sexual identity while solving complex mysteries in the exotic Hawaiian setting.  You can check out an excerpt of Mahu Fire here.  But we know TLC regulars will want to explore Neil's foray into erotica.  Check it out here.

Comments

[William Simon]

Neil-

Welcome! You'll fit in *JUST* fine around here...:)

Here are my additions:

A Retrosexual, no matter what the woman insists, PAYS FOR THE EVENING *and* expects NOTHING in return. If something happens, terrific, but it's not Expected. That's No Class.

A Retrosexual opens doors for a woman. Period.

A Retrosexual handles things. Be it a flat tire, break-in into your home, or a natural disaster, you JUST FIX IT.

A Retrosexual doesn't worry about living to be 90. It's not how long you live, or how good you look when it's over, but how well you used your time while here. If you're 90 years old and still smoking cigars and drinking scotch, I salute you.

Dean Martin once said "We are here but for a breath; twice around the fountain, then fuck it." Words to live by....

[Harley]

I went to a big dress-up gala benefit fundraising thing last night, and I have to say, there are few things in life more interesting to me than seeing a retrosexual forced to wear a suit -- worse, a tuxedo. I think that's why I like weddings so much.

Yeah, guys, I know, it's tough. But at least no one expects you to wear spike heels.

Welcome, Neil!

[William Simon]

A real Retro *CAN* wear a suit or tuxedo with style and aplomb when he chooses to... it's just not mandatory to wear designer suits when going to the grocery store....

[neilplakcy]

Thanks for the welcome. And what a great quote from Dean Martin!

And as for the heels, Nancy-- have you ever tried to squeeze your feet into pointy-toed cowboy boots?

[Terry Odell]

Great post, Neil - I'm going to have to give this one to my husband. I think he'll pass with flying colors (although he carries a Leatherman, not a Swiss Army knife.)

[Rita Scott]

Welcome Neil! Loved the blog!
I wear pointy toed cowboy boots all the time, if fitted correctly, they're more comfortable than sneakers. But don't try the stilettos, they're hazardous to you health!

[Maryann Mercer]

I like William's definition of retrosexual :o) Metrosexual has always seemed to me just another term to sell books and other goodies to guys who want to look like Pierce Brosnan...not that there's much wrong with Pierce but not everyone can pull that off. Me? I like a guy who's clean (although not necessarily clean-shaven), smells good (NOT English Leather please), and opens the door for me, even if I'm paying for his birthday dinner. And he's comfortable in his own skin and sees me as an equal. No oneupsmanship here :o)
Great post, Neil and welcome!

[JodiL]

I am so excited to know I am married to a Retrosexual kinda guy. Like you, Neil, he's not 100% retro but certainly more retro than anything else. Can't wait to read Mahu Fire. And I agree with William, you fit in just fine here.

[Karen in Ohio]

I'm married to a retrosexual--who has not changed since he was a lad-- and we had a great laugh this morning when I read this to him. Thanks for the morning amusement, Neil.

He has worn a tuxedo four times in the 30 years I've known him, and you hit the nail on the head, Harley. I have to make sure to lavish compliments on him so that he doesn't walk around all night with that weird expression on his face!

[Rita Scott]

How about "The only cookbook a retrosexual has is by Ted Nugent for wild game?" (autographed, of course!)

[Kathy Sweeney]

By this definition, 95% of the guys I grew up with are retrosexuals. But don't tell them - they'll probably take it as an insult.

Welcome, Neil - your books look terrific and I'll be checking them out soon!

[Tom]

Oh, yeah, welcome, Neil!!!

[PJ Parrish]

I am female but...

I love red meat, I have two Swiss Army knives, used to love playing in the dirt, there's a 6-inch scar on my arm, AND I have a tattoo.

But then again, I just finished reading "Middlesex" so maybe I am just confused...

[JodiL]

Tom, I didn't say I was thrilled my husband is a Retrosexual, just that I was glad to know what he is. Plus he is only about 50% retro so he does have many Metrosexual traits, he will cook the red meat he buys at the store, sort of a Metro/Retro kind of guy.

[Josh Lanyon]

Hey Neil, great post!

So would you say mystery fiction is dominated -- er, maybe I should say PEOPLED -- by retrosexuals or metrosexuals? I mean the characters, not the authors.*g*

[William Simon]

Josh Lanyon said: So would you say mystery fiction is dominated -- er, maybe I should say PEOPLED -- by retrosexuals or metrosexuals? I mean the characters, not the authors.*g*

Spenser - Absolutely
Elvis Cole - No question
Joe Pike - The Ideal
James Bond - The Original
Lucas Davenport - Agreed
David Rossi - Most assuredly
Peterson Chace - So retro it's ridiculous

Got to say 'yes' on that one, Josh...:)

[neilplakcy]

I think William is right; most of the classic detective heroes, and most of today's, are probably retrosexual. Even most of the gay detectives, like my own hero, are retro rather than metro.

To be a sleuth, you've got to be pretty tough. Even the Miss Marples of the world were steely in the face of trouble.

James Bond, though, might be a metrosexual. He's handsome, debonair, comfortable around fine wine and so on. Actually, I'll bet he could cover the whole gamut-- kill his own meat, then serve it up with gourmet flair to one of those lovely Bond girls.

[Elaine Viets]

Welcome, Neil. James Bond (except maybe blond Bond) tries too hard. A retrosexual doesn't have to.

[Karen in Ohio]

Don't forget Joe Leaphorn, Tony Hillerman's detective--definitely retro. In fact, he kind of defines the term.