Bad Mommy!

by Nancy

In my own defense, my children turned out great.  But during their formative years, I had moments that weren't exactly Mother of the Year material.

                              

Like the two days I made my 18-month old daughter walk on her broken leg.  Mind you, the x-ray didn't show anything at all--nothing!--so I assumed she was just whining.  Eventually she communicated that I was an idiot, so I took her back for more x-rays, and sure enough, the leg was broken.

I also Had a temper tantrum and quit packing their school lunches when Cassie was in 4th grade and Sarah in 2nd. (Hey, if they're old enough to see the top of the kitchen counter, they can drop a few items into a paper bag, right?)  I threw another hissyfit and stopped doing their laundry before they hit junior high.

My attitude is that kids ought to recognize that Mom is a person, too, not the automatic, always-cheerful deliverer of food, fashionable clothes and boundless emotional support, especially during the tiresome teenage years. The purpose of a mother is not to bring any creature comfort the kids can't reach from their prone positions in front of the television. (Yell for some Doritos at my house, and you'd be likely to receive them crushed and poured over your head.)  A kid who recognizes that she can't boss around her own mother is a kid who grows up into a thoughtful, giving adult.

Giving your kids everything can be . . . bad.

                                    

And a mother who's a door mat is only teaching her kids a lesson that's not going to turn out well.

But then, I'm in the minority.  I know women who have devoted their lives to serving their children, and I admire them for their devotion.  No, really, I do.  They are better human beings than I am.

But I also admire my own mother who taught us independence and resilience and how to catch a fly ball, wipe the tennis court with your opponent, be a gracious loser when necessary and how to iron our damn own shirts.

                              

Some dim-witted organization gave Lindsay Lohan's mother a Mother of the Year award this year.  I'm not bothering to Google it for you, because no intelligent human being who reads People magazine would acknowledge Mrs. Lohan is a good mother. (I did read one Yahoo search item that started, "...she skipped her court date to visit Lindsay in rehab..."  'Nuff said, right?)

But I'm thinking Mrs. Lohan has time to clean up her act.  After all, we've all made mistakes as mothers.  Most of those mistakes turn out to be okay for our kids in the long run. I mean, my daughter had never let me forget the broken leg episode, and I think that's healthy.--Children should recognize that nobody's without fault. (But, really, isn't it a little strange that she's kept the cast all these years??  It's still on a shelf in the bedroom!)

For your entertainment on the day before Mother's Day, here's The Bad Mother's Club.

How about you?  Made any embarrassing motherly blunders? Do you feel a little pesticide on the apple you give your kid every day simply strengthens his immune system? (If you make your own baby food, I'll tell you right now that we're going to blackball you from the TLC Bad Mommy Club.) If your bag of tricks, do you have a heart-warming tale of blessed motherhood gone terribly wrong?

Today's your day to dish. To cleanse your soul.  We won't tell your mother, honest.

Comments

[Christina]

I have a 6 year old and a 3 year old. I ENJOY going to work. I feel like a horrible mom because I love to get away for a while each week.
I'm constantly blogging about my children's antics, but I claim it on my desire to remember these times.
I know that when my kids are older, I'll have more stories....until then, I can't wait to read what others write!

[Josh]

Ooh! Can we fathers tell bad-mother stories about our baby mamas? Funny joke, or bad karma? Reasonable, objective, and instructive perspective, or Felix Ungar, having the frying pan handed out the door to us on our way out?

[Laura (in PA)]

Boy, Nancy, are you playing my song. I believe it's a form of child abuse to not let your kid do anything for him/herself, take responsibility, or never experience disappointment. The world is not your mother, and if you go out there expecting that, you can't function.

I was sure my divorce when she was 3 and remarriage when she was 5 would ruin my daughter, but she's been amazingly resilient. There was that time I was late to daycare and she was sitting there all by herself, but I think that affected me more than her. And the working mother's guilt, missed days at school and sending her sick because I couldn't stay home.

But I've been rewarded with seeing her complete her first year of college, and get through the confused and lonely feeling at the beginning, and take responsibility for herself, and do what needed to be done, and grow up before my eyes. It's the best Mother's Day gift I've ever had.

[Kerry, The Martial Tart]

Oooooh - what a topic! I did so many bad-mom things, especially when my daughter was little. Honey on the pacifier (I swear I didn't know about the botulism risk); letting her fall asleep in her crib with a bottle; letting the TV keep her occupied while I collapsed on the couch after a hard days' work; and, worst of all, celebrating the day she left to spend the summers with her father . . .

I'm constantly amazed that she not only loves me, but likes me. I'm proud of the fact that she calls me regularly to tell me about her latest training triumph (she's preparing for her first Muay Thai fight next month); I try desperately hard to be supportive when she calls to vent about the unfairness of the working world. And I know we'll have a great time when she lets us feed her a good Mother's Day dinner tomorrow ;)

[AlynneP]

My 7 year old constantly reminds me of the time I forgot to pick him up from school and his teacher had to call me (woke me up) to come get him. I was only 10 minutes late, but my son was very worried!
There's also the time I dropped my other son on his head twice in about 30 minutes (don't try to clean the house while holding the 4 month old on your hip).
No real bad Mommy days for my daughter, yet! Oh, I guess the days I'm reading the latest book by one of The Tarts and she's crawling around the house chewing on whatever she can find (dirty rug yesterday) are not gonna win me any "Mommy of the Year" awards. She'll live and I have to find out if Melanie does!

[kris]

Confession time: I did make most of my baby food for the first kid. But he was the first one, okay? And I have a Master's degree in Child & Family crap, so I felt like I HAD to be a Good Mommy. Plus, it was cheaper, and it helped fill all those loooong hours ...

Don't worry. By number 3, I bought everything. He also got formula in his bottles when I wasn't around to nurse him. By number 4, I hit my stride. Unfortunately, she's the first girl, and as such she has Daddy wrapped around her royal pinkie.

I probably do more for them than I should, still, because I'm a SAHM and feel like it's part of my job description. (Though they all have chores, they start doing their own laundry when they hit middle school, and they're on their own for lunches once they hit high school.) But even so, they know without a doubt that Mom has her own life. Just yesterday the daughter gave me a Mother's Day poster she made in school. It included the line, "Mom takes me everywhere with her, except when she goes to her meetings." And I thought, YES!

I will never, ever forget standing in line at the deli counter soon after we moved to our exceedingly kid-centered neighborhood, and hearing one mom say to another, "oh my God, Anne, my youngest just graduated from high school and I have no idea what I'm going to do." She was devastated. And I thought, oh, lady, where have you been all these years?

[Nancy martin]

kris, the jury's still out for you on the baby food issue.

The rest of you---I wish we could have lunch together today. Sounds as if we could rid the world of a few margaritas. Maybe Josh would dance on the table for us?

I'm still waiting for somebody to shoot me down, though. I bet we have a couple of Good Mommies in this group!

[DebbyJ]

"Giving your kids everything can be bad" should be tattooed on forehead of every new parent--before they're allowed to take their infant home! And if there's enough room they might add in very small letters, "You are now a parent, not your child's best friend."

[Cheryl]

My mother of the year award came when then 12 yr old son (who is extrememly allergic to poison ivy and knows what to do for it) came into our room about 2AM stating - "Mom, I must have gotten into some poison ivy, I got a rash all over my stomach". Loving mother that I am, I said to put something on it and get back to bed. The next morning we had him in the emergency room with mennigitis (viral luckily). That blew my chance for any award.
Despite this and numerous other episodes I have two very mature, gracious 20 somethings now.

[Nancy martin]

Okay, Cheryl, meningitis (viral or otherwise) trumps a broken leg, which at least isn't fatal, and late pickups at school, honey on the pacifier and even dropping the kid on his/her head. You might be in the lead for our Bad Mommy of the day.

The winner, by the way, has the honor of buying the margaritas.

[Pam aka SisterZip]

My step-daughter , now 35, was 4 when I married her father. My daughter is 23. The proudest days of my life were when each girl, at the age of 12, said to me with a tear streaked face, "I HATE you...you are a terrible Mother." I looked them straight in the face and calmly replied, "Good, I've done my job. I'm not here to be your friend and make life easy for you."

The one time I had to stop and think about whether we were right in raising my daughter to be sooooooo independant was when her principle in grade school said the reason the girls didn't like her was that she is too aggressive. She fought like a boy. I was concerned that she wouldn't have 'friends' and that relationships with men might be a problem. Luckily that all changed!

[Kathy Sweeney]

Man, I hope no one in my family is checking in today because I've got a big Bad Mommy secret:

I started letting my my kids swear. I mean, just about anything short of the C words. Luckily, they don't use much anatomical stuff, because I'd probably have to draw a line there too. Not even my husband knows this.

Why? I'd like to think that I did some deep analysis and decided that if they see them just as words, they won't be as likely to use them as much when they get older. Probably it's because after 16 years of curbing my own vocabulary, I decided I couldn't do it anymore, and didn't want to take a hypocritical stance.

Whew. I feel better now. Thanks for a great blog, Nancy!

[JodiL]

When my daughter was about 5 she came into my bedroom, looked down in my face and announced she had to throw up. I immediately sent her off to the bathroom with these words. Don't ever come tell me I have to throw up, just tell me when you have already thrown up. Jeez, I didn't want that to happen in my face or bed.

[Mary Storyteller]

ok, only an aunt here (amateur, I know), but JodiL just reminded my of my very considerate great-niece, who managed to make it to the kitchen sink to throw up (the bathroom would have been too far). As I was cleaning the sink, I remarked that it would have been easier to clean if she'd gone to the right side sink, with the garbage disposal. A little later she got sick again -- in the right side sink. Such a considerate girl! (A friend finally taught her step-son to make it to the bathroom when sick -- she declared that she would no longer clean up the mess; either he or his father would have that chore).
As an aunt, I know I pamper and fuss a bit more than a mother of five would. The oldest great-nephew once told me, after I'd cleaned and bandaged a hurt finger for him, "Even getting hurt is fun at your house."

[Mary Storyteller]

BTW, JodiL, one of the first bits of advice I was given from a fellow teacher was to put in the class rules, "If you feel you are going to throw up, tell a friend and go straight to the restroom." Sending a hall pass after the fact is better than having to clean the room (and less embarrassing for the student as well).

[Karen in Ohio]

My 3 yo grandson very proudly announced that he threw up in the potty last week. Now if he could just figure out how to pee, etc. in it.

Sister Zip, we are sistahs of the soul, at least of the mom kind. All three of my girls heard that from me. And I have many times said that none of the three of them would ever need assertiveness training. None of them are afraid of being who they want to be, bless them.

When my oldest went off to college there were many things she did not know how to do, including manage money. So when her little sisters came along (14-year gap) I decided things would be different, and so proceeded to teach them how to be independent in as many areas as possible. They did their own laundry in grade school (beginning in first grade), and always made their own lunches. If they made their lunch (I always provided healthy stuff to take), they got to keep whatever it would have cost to buy lunch at school. Usually, they made their own, unless the lunch choice was some favorite or other. They also made their own breakfasts, using dishes and cereal choices placed low enough for easy reach. And they had to clean their OWN rooms. Many of my friends thought I was crazy for that one.

Probably my biggest 'bad mother' idea was to let them wear their school clothes to bed so that they could sleep just a bit later in the morning. Hey, they did their own laundry anyway, so sleeping in their clothes actually made the wrinkles less noticeable.

[Pam aka SisterZip]

Karen, that is so funny. The fashion when my daughter was in high school was flannel pants and baggy tshirts. She always wore a nightgown to bed but got up to put on the flannel pants. Some days I would make her change to jeans or anything else, but when I left for work, she changed right back.

I didn't do everything right, by any stretch. She isn't much of a housekeeper; I let her deal with her room. As long as the door was shut & I didn't have to look at it, I didn't care.

[Josh]

Okay, I'm a bad mom because I do the laundry for my lazy, good-for-nothing teenagers. It's not that I don't think they should learn. I mean, except for some halcyon days early in my relationship with my wife when she was nesting, I've been doing my own laundry since I moved in with my father and his girlfriend when I was 13. It's just that the laundry is my domain, and I don't want them screwing it up. I hate it when my wife tries to be helpful and uses the wrong color hangers or with the hook facing the wrong way.

Now, instead of an invitation to dance on the table, don't you think a restraining order is more called for?

OT, if you look my posting last night on yesterday's blog, you can see some taboo photos of Clive Owen that are absolutely NSFW. King Arthur and his sword, unsheathed. Does that make me a bad mom?

[Anna C.]

I hear you Josh. I taught my 11-yr old son to do his own laundry, but I couldn't stand the chaos it brought to my system, so I'm doing it again. My parents never gave me any assigned chores - they said, this is our house, when you have your own house you can take care of it. That being said, when I was asked, I was expected to pitch in, and I did. I'm trying that with my kids in the hope that they will be flexible helpers. So far it's really only guaranteeing that they stay out of the kitchen while I'm making dinner, but hey, that's a benefit. Since we homeschool we're together all the time and I take whatever alone-time I can get.

[richcat]

I think I may be worse than all of you all. When my fifteen year old son woke us up to say he had a cramp in his side and was throwing up ( oh yeah, it was appendicitis.) I told him to go back to sleep and let me know if it still hurt in the morning. Then I made him wait until I dropped his sisters off at school before I took him to the E.R. He survived and I learned that if he complains I should listen. He's not a whinner. All of mine learned to do their own laundry and to cook certain meals in middle school. And now that they are all grown they are great independent adults. I think I did a pretty good job all things considered.

[Harley]

I let my 5-year old watch the end of CASINO ROYALE last week, because I was fascinated that she was fascinated by it. (Except for the icky kissing part, which she did not like.)

I can't reveal any more of my dreadful mothering moments until my divorce is settled. However, I feel strongly that all my sins have been forgiven because I have kept The Bunny alive for weeks now, along with 2 new fish. There have to be a lot of maternal brownie points in that.

[Joyce Tremel]

I only have a minute so I'll keep this brief. One of my most used lines when the boys were growing up was, "because I said so." It worked.

[ArkansasCyndi]

Since we have no children, I'm nominating my husband (not me, you'll note!) I fell off a huge rock. It hurt. He decided I had a bad sprained ankle (he has no medical training) We were on vacation, so he bought me this cane (one of those at the local country store). After I'd hobbled around for a week and the swelling had gotten up to my knee, we finally got home from vacation. I called the doctor's office. When I saw him, the x-rays showed a broken ankle, which I had been walking on for 10 days.

[Mary Storyteller]

I can't resist a bit of praise for my late MIL, Irene, who raised three sons capable of housekeeping and cooking. She said she wanted her future daughters-in-law to thank her for the way she raised her boys. She also said that she had been content with three sons because she knew that one day they would bring her daughters. We stayed in touch even after his second wife made him promise not to be in contact with his ex. Hey, Irene didn't promise.

[Mary Storyteller]

Cyndi, you are too tough for your own good. I'd have been weeping and groaning. Your ok, now, though, right? . . .in that "what doesn't kill you makes your stronger" way . . .