Here Comes the Bride

by Nancy

Submitted for your approval:  A wedding isn't memorable unless somebody misbehaves.

At least, that's my theory now that it's been thirty years since my own wedding, and I've attended so many nuptials that they all blur together in my mind until I sort out at which one did the best man have to duck out of line at the altar, dart out the side door and could then be heard upchucking into the bushes because of bachelor party excesses?

And which one was the wedding where one inebriated reception guest (female, who made an unfortunate choice in outfits that morning) climbed onto a table to sing I Will Survive along with the band?

Well, here's a wedding that--er--takes the cake:  Please click on this link, because the photo of the bride emerging from jail in her wedding gown is priceless. I'm only sorry the online version of the newspaper didn't include the photo of the groom with his black eye swollen shut.

Ain't liquor a terrific addition to any wedding reception?

If I attended your wedding, let me say right away that it was lovely. I cried a delicate tear during the vows and enjoyed the reception fare and even sneaked an extra piece of cake because it was so delicious. And the music was divine. There was never a more beautiful bride or a more handsome groom. The flowers were exquisite. I had such a nice time.

But the other 127 weddings I've attended over the years were . . . forgettable.

Really, now, don't you remember the tacky ones best? The silly mistakes? The offensive behavior of a boorish groomsman? The incredibly self meltdown of the MOB?

There are certain people who attend every wedding:

There's the overtly sexy woman who looks much more sophisticated than anyone else on the guest list.  Maybe she's newly divorced or somebody's ex-girlfriend, or the sexy cousin, but you know who I mean. Her dress often has a slit up the side. And she smokes.

There's also the groomsman who gets drunk and a.) trashes the mens room or b.) wrecks his car or c.) supervises the shaving cream spraying of the bridal bed.

There's the little girl in the adorable pink/yellow/lavender satin dress that is quickly smeared with jello or Kool Aid or cake frosting, and she ends up bawling by the end of the evening. She was briefly considered for the role of flower girl, but "you know how she gets sometimes."

The father of the bride who won't leave the bar.

The bridesmaid who really wasn't on the A-list, but somebody ele dropped out of the wedding party and she's the fill-in, and she knows it. She did not bother to diet to squeeze into the $565 satin dress with ruching the bride insisted she buy and will never wear again.

The uncle who wants to dance with all the bridesmaids.

I'm sure you know more of the guest list regulars.  Since we're approcahing wedding season, let's see how many we can identify before you even zip your dress.

We all want our weddings to be perfect.  It's only natural.  But perfect can be boring.  After a couple of decades, isn't it more fun to re-play the mistakes?  The drunks? The hissyfits? How many times can that awful Karen Carpenter song be played and the audience be expected to take it seriously?

C'mon.  Share your most memorable wedding moment. I bet it wasn't hearts and flowers.

Comments

[ArkansasCyndi]

It might be when the soloist at my sister's wedding began to sing (as scheduled), but my grandfather (who was one of the wedding pastors - they had two) was overcome by the need to say a prayer, so he keeps praying louder to be heard of the soloist, who keeps singing louder to be heard over the impromptu prayer.

OR, it might be that my father pulled his back unload the champagne from the trunk of the car (for the wedding reception - cheaper than buying it from the hotel). So, as he's walking my sister down the aisle, he all hunched over to one side - can straighten his back at all.

Or it could be the wedding where we (the spectators) were placing bets on how long the marriage would last. (not long, it turns out).

[ArkansasCyndi]

That should read "heard OVER the soloist".. We need typo correction!

[Kalynne Pudner]

Two hot thought-flashes:

(1) Do people really still play "that awful Karen Carpenter Song" at their wedding since 1408 came out?

(2) Thank God the groom who karate-kicked his (jailbird) bride isn't MY dentist.

[Becky Hutchison]

I think every wedding should have some mistake, because those are the most memorable. At my older sister's first wedding (when I was 15), the priest dropped the rings before their blessing and my 7 yo cousin (who was a junior bridesmaid) cried so much I had to hold her and my sister's bouquet.

My other sister's 2nd marriage ceremony was supposed to be outside, but it rained. So the ceremony was held in a small room and I didn't get to see it because there wasn't enough room for even the family. Thank heavens the sun came out for the reception!

My niece's 2nd marriage was held by a beautiful club's swimming pool in Huntsville AL. Since he had gone to her first wedding, her youngest brother decided to go to his senior prom in Knoxville that weekend instead of the wedding. My niece and her other brothers had a blown up picture of him on a chair in the front row for the wedding and subsequently in all the pictures. We all had a really fun time passing the picture around and posing beside it.

[Josh]

There are others, but this one I smile abotu every time I attend Mass--which I actually did this past Sunday.

During a Mass, instead of saying "Lord hear our prayer," the people said "We pray to the Lord." Over and over. My wife blurted out to me, "They're doing it wrong!"

[William Simon]

You forgot the two year old who decides mid-vow to suddenly squirm out of his mothers arms and consider the aisles of the church training ground for the 100 yard dash. Back and forth, forth and back (to use an expression), all the while bellowing "LA-LA-LA-BA-DA-LABA-CABA" at the top of his lungs. (I briefly considered stopping the ceremony to teach the kid 'Doobie-Doobie Doo', but didn't.)

I focused VERY intently on that little spot between The Boss's eyes, because I knew if I turned my head and looked at Little Speed Racer, I was going to collapse in hysterical laughter....

[Nancy martin]

I love these stories!

Hard to imagine going back to your dentist after reading about him in the paper like this, huh?

[Joyce Tremel]

Ross PD had to request assistance from the surrounding PDs, so some of our Shaler officers got to over and assist.

I hear the lovely bride is now supporting her husband and the whole thing was just a big misunderstanding. Uh-huh. Sure.

My husband tries his best to make weddings memorable, since he's usually bored to tears. At a nephew's wedding he led "The Locomotion" through the kitchen at the restaurant where the reception was held. At a niece's wedding, he took the disposable camera at our table and took photos of the waitresses and just about everything that no one else would take a picture of. And for some reason he was surprised when a few weeks later my sister in law said, "I loved your pictures, Jerry." He couldn't figure out how she guessed which ones he took!

It's also bad news to take both him and my younger son to funeral homes...

[meryl]

My college roommate's wedding was in an unairconditioned church in Maine in the middle of a hot spell. As one of the bridesmaid's I stood up there for upwards of an hour in my high-necked dress trying not to pass out from heat and boredom. Until, that is, Jenny's four year old nephew (the ring bearer) standing by his mother announced in a firm and LOUD voice -- "I gots doody." High point of the ceremony right there.

The boy was promptly whisked away to the bathroom.

[Judy Larsen]

There was the time my friend's mom, very excited about finally attending a Jewish wedding, was so eager for the glass breaking and getting to yell "Mazel Tov" that she was one beat ahead of everyone else and hollered out, at teh top of her lungs, "Molotov!"

[Maryann Mercer]

Well, my own wedding had its 'moments'...or rather the reception did. First the minister's blessing over dinner was pre-empted by the dulcet(recorded of course) tones of Barbra Streisand singing "Second Hand Rose".(someone left the door to the lounge area open). Then my aunt, rest her soul, got a bit snockered and asked us (in front of the above clergy-person) whether I was 'the the pill' and if so, why were we hanging around the hall (her actual words were 'then go have a good screw'). Such an auspicious beginning. :o)

[Cassie]

I've been to a wedding where the priest forgot the groom's name and tried to slyly look at the cover of the program to refresh his memory -- uh, Padre, you are the center of attention right now, and EVERYONE noticed the awkward pause while you resorted to your cheat sheet!

There was also the wedding where the bride's barbed-wire tattoo showed plainly in her strapless Vera Wang (but she seemed to be enjoying that fact, so the rest of us did, too).

I also fondly recall the funeral where the daughter began her eulogy by addressing the casket: "Mom, you could be bitchy, and you could be mean..."

[Pam aka SisterZip]

when my uncle got married (he's only 7 years older than me), his new wife chose velvet for the gowns because they got married on Dec 29. The ring bearer was a 5 year old nephew and his mother was the matron of honor. He stood next to mommy the entire ceramony rubbing his hand, in circles, on her behind. I guess the velvet felt nice.

At a friend's wedding, the best man wrote on the grooms shoes. When they knelt at the alter, and in the unretouched proofs, you can read "Help Me" on his soles.

And Dear Hubby's personal favorite, our daughter was about 8. At my brother-in-law's first wedding reception, she decided she wanted to dance with her boyfriend. Well, she walked through the crowd and picked out a little boy and said, "You are now my boyfriend. You will dance with me." We have a picture of the poor kid just standing there with a stunned look on his face while my daughter jitterbugged around him.

[bea]

There is also the guest no one quite knows. Usually a man, and usually without a date. Everyone is polite and friendly to him, but he is a bit off, and then everyone whispers, at their table, to try and determine exactly how he fits in to the day. By the end of the reception, there are 18 different versions of who he is.

[Harley]

My friend Jill had an outdoor wedding in May, which should have been okay, but it was FREEZING. They did this butterfly thing, where each guest was given some ribbon-festooned capsule and at a certain moment we all released the butterflies but they were all dead (frozen) and then the reception (outdoors) was so cold we were all fighting over the heat lamps, huddling together for bodily warmth, and finally, the catering staff handed out tablecloths and napkins for us to wear over our skimpy dress-up dresses. My car was nearby, so I also got to wear a gray sweatshirt I carry in the trunk.

The marriage lasted longer than the butterflies, by several years.

[peach]

The minister intoned, "I now pronounce you man and wife. You may kiss the bride."
My aunt turned to my uncle who put his arms around her. He acted as if he was going to kiss her, but instead slapped her on the butt. Speaking in a loud North Yorkshire accent, "Ya dun gooood!" Everyone who attended that wedding over 30 years ago still remembers that moment.

My most embarrassing moment came at my brother's wedding. There I was dancing away when I fell flat on my rear and I hadn't even had a drop of alcohol to take the pain away.

My niece is getting married in three weeks and her reception will be in my parents and my yards. My brother and his wife invited over 600 people. I don't know how many will actually attend, but the potential for all of those incidents named previously is there. Or maybe something new?

[paulabuck]

Nancy, I saw a picture of that black-eyed groom and had to laugh. I was the maid of honor for my best friend, and when her groom showed up for the wedding that's exactly what he looked like!

Apparently he went to the bar after the rehearsal dinner and got into a brawl ("not his fault" of course...). He had to wear more makeup than she did for pictures and the ceremony!

[Mariah]

Geez, you guys are making me twitch big time, what with the Royal Wedding (daughter Katie to her Prince Charming) only three months away!
I can't think of one bad wedding experience - most likely have banished all such negative thoughts as a means of mental self-preservation. Though we did have an interesting moment at a family wedding in a small town just outside of Pittsburgh last September. At the reception, we saw two endless tables being set in one corner of the room, and figuring they were hors d'oeuvres, my husband and I wandered over. And what to our wondering eyes should appear but...cookies!!!!!! Table after table after table of the most amazing homemade cookies I'd ever seen! Nance, I know you know all about this, but I gotta tell ya, it was new to us. And so much better than spring rolls and crab dip.

Mariah

[Nancy martin]

There's always a kid who makes some embarrassing blunder, but isn't it great to remind him of the "doody"-like remarks when he's 21?

Ah, family.

[Pam aka SisterZip]

My uncle's nephew is now 35 and has 4 kids of his own. They delight in teasing their dad about rubbing Grandma's butt. Pictures just don't lie.

[Joyce Tremel]

Mariah, the cookies are the only reason most people in the Pittsburgh area go to weddings! Well, that and the free booze.

[Elaine Viets]

I was married by a priest who banned Karen Carpenter's "We've only just begun" at all weddings. It creeped me out that she was singing to her brother.

[Jaime]

There was the wedding where the priest asked if anyone objected and we all (200 of us guests) looked around, waiting for someone to say something. Both the bridge and groom were having affairs with members of the wedding party, EVERYONE knew, and we were all just daring someone to object. (No one did, and the divorce came a mere 4 months later.)

THAT was uncomfortable.

[peach]

I thought the cookie table was an American tradition until 5 years ago when my mother and I did the cookies for my cousin's reception in Lancaster, PA. (My cousin is from the Pittsburgh area originally.) They'd never heard of the cookie table in Eastern PA. I did the cookie tables at both my nephew's weddings in Springfield, MO and Eureka, MO respectively and of course the staff and guests didn't even know what do with them. I made the traditional amount of 6 cookies per guest, but who knew people in Missouri didn't know what to do about cookies. Now I have to make all the cookies for my niece's wedding. I know people around here know what to do.

[Jess Lourey]

This is my favorite sentence in that wonderful, Onion-esque article:

"Police said both Dr. and Mrs. Wielechowski punched and wrestled with the rescuers, who were left with injuries that included cuts, a tooth knocked out and a possibly broken thumb."

Good thing a dentist was near.

My favorite wedding story is when the bridesmaid and her mouth-breathing boyfriend decided they liked the ficuses lining the entrance to the reception hall and started loading them in their pick-up truck when the dance started. I can't remember who got married, but I remember hotel security busting them.