Another C Word

By Rebecca the Bookseller aka Kathy Sweeney

Some people waive it off, as if it were nothing. Some people cringe just hearing it. Some people are vigilant - preparing defensive tactics. I'm talking, of course, about Cramps.

Cramps are a great medical mystery (please - do NOT get me started). Some people never have so much as cramp one - they breeze through life, their reproductive system sloughing itself once every lunar cycle, like clockwork, with nary a care. I hate those people. OK, maybe hate is too strong a word. But I do envy them. Envy, as in one of the Seven Deadlies.

Some people have mid-level cramps - they take the painkiller/anti-inflammatory of choice, grit their teeth for a day or so and carry on. Periodically they ask themselves - why in the hell can't someone figure this out?

Then there are the people like me. Cramps are part of an irregular, Cursed cycle that may or may not begin today, tomorrow or the next day. It may, in turn, end today, tomorrow or the next day. It's like living with a big Roulette Wheel in your body. There are days when I can't leave the house. There are hours when I can't leave my room. It sucks. Big Time. And other than the most helpful - "Let's knock you out, cut you open and take out all that stuff", there isn't much to be done. Hormone therapy? I don't think so. Fool me once, kind of thing.

Now, I understand there are advantages to taking it all out - but there are disadvantages too. Like most serious medical procedures, there are success stories and there are tragedies. My kids are too young to risk the tragedies - and yes, I know, I could get hit by a bus at any time, but that doesn't mean I'm going to choose to stand in the middle of the bus lane and take my chances, either.

Don't get me wrong - I know things could be much, much worse. I could have a fatal disease. I could be forced, in some kind of psychotic game show world, to spend every second of my life with stone idiots - or even worse - people with no discernible sense of humor. I could have a sick child, or a dying loved one. I get that. More on that in the guidelines below.

I am not even going to waste anyone's time talking about how in the name of all that is righteous it comes to pass that we are on our SIXTH generation of hard-on meds, but we still can't figure out how to stop cramps. I do need to mention, though, that the newer ED drugs have more side effects. As my daughter observed after sitting through a commercial: "Are you telling me that people are now willing to risk two of the five primary senses just for THAT?!" I told her that her grandparents' warnings of blindness and fiery damnation didn't stop any of her aunts or uncles. She just shook her head. She's young. Thank God.

Unfortunately, she's got my genes when it comes to her reproductive physiology. She knows from cramps already. And so the cycle begins again. Yeah, I know, I put it that way on purpose.

Basically, this is just a whiny blog.

Naturally, the whining about it makes me feel guilty, so I am going to try to turn this into a mitzvah - by sharing some advice to the people who share a house or a life with someone like me who suffers at the hands of mother nature.

1. If it's really bad, slide a glass of milk (have to have something in your stomach to take the pain meds) and some warm chocolate chip cookies (hell, any chocolate will do) in the door and stay the hell out of the way.

2. Ask if there is anything you can do. If you happen to be a man, and you think she has a rant coming ("YOU -- YOU go through NOTHING - if YOU had to go through this bullshit, the species would have died out CENTURIES ago") just take it and count yourself lucky there are no real weapons in the house. [Note: remove all weapons from the house.]

3. Join in if there is something to criticize (and be happy it's not you) - for example: If she says: "That stupid Mrs. Beasley up the street stopped earlier today to try to get me to sign a petition for one of her shithead projects. She's a menace." Do NOT say: "Gee, honey, what was the project?" DO say: "I KNOW! That ugly bitch needs to be slapped silly."

4. Do NOT try to one-up her. Unless you spend at least 25% of your life with an open compound fracture, you are not going to do anything but sound like a total wuss - and you'll just piss her off even more. You may have played an entire quarter of championship basketball/football/SuperMario Brothers challenge with a shattered tibia. But unless you do it once a month, every month, you have no idea what we're dealing with here.

5. Do NOT try to tell her 'It could be worse.' No shit Sherlock - funny I never thought of that, ya Dumbass. You want worse? Well, I can make that happen. Uh, sorry. See how bad an idea that is?

6. Finally - do NOT try to initate any funny business while the pain is intense. However, and tread lightly here - there is nothing better to relieve mild PMS cramps than an orgasm. But - and get this one guys - you are going to have to do the work. So if you've never paid attention before to what she likes, now is NOT the time to try something new. See #2 about the weapons. And woe to he who even THINKS about asking her to do any of those things she doesn't do. It won't matter whether you have weapons in the house or not. See that lamp on the nightstand? In the coroner's report, it will simply be referred to as 'a blunt object'.

Hmmmm. OK, I think that's enough.

Anyone on either side of this issue want to share?

Comments

[Karen in Ohio]

Kathy, sister friend, you cracked me up with this one. You nailed it, perzactly, as my daughter used to say.

I never had cramps until I had my first child, and then they hit with a vengeance, like clockwork. Then they started lengthening, until finally I was having cramps for roughly 27 out of 30 days, about six of those spent in bed, moaning. I begged my doctor to give me a hysterectomy, which he finally did. Turns out I had something called adenomyosis (like endometriosis, only in the uterus), and the woman intern who assisted in the surgery came in afterwards to tell me my uterus was the spongiest she'd ever seen (such an overachiever!), and she was not surprised to hear that I felt better, two hours after the surgery, than I had the day before. My regular doctor, the male doctor who did not want to do the surgery, barely said a word about it. Grrrr.

So I haven't had cramps now for 20 years, but I think I had more than my share of them, and can empathize completely. More chocolate, all around. And a full glass of scotch wouldn't hurt any, either. And men are wussies, for real.

[Tom]

"Anyone . . . want to share?"

No, no, you just take the whole chocolate shipment and the case of Laphroig for yourself. Perfectly okay. It's all yours. Here's a clean glass. As my grandfather used to say, "Up and down yer kilties."

[toni mcgee causey]

The rule around here is that if you ask, "Is it that time of the month again?" then you are openly acknowledging that you have

a) made out your will
b) are begging for assisted suicide

at which point

c) you will be happily obliged.

Emphasis on the "happily" part.

[toni mcgee causey]

(note: see, I knew I loved Tom, because that is a great answer)

[Josh]

May I make a political comment?

[Lynn]

My daughter has the perfect excuse for work. After starting cramps at work with no pills for relief, she was headed for the restroom to get sick when she was stopped by her boss. When she threw up on her boss's shoes, she is the only person who can call-in saying she has cramps and be told to stay at home.

[Laura (in PA)]

Kathy, only you could make cramps funny.

I'm afraid I fall into the zero-to-mid cramp range, mostly due to being on the pill for many years. I do have close friends who have a horrible time, and pass out regularly. I give them credit for managing to work (or go to school, in the past) through this time every month, because it still isn't seen as a valid excuse for not showing up.

My daughter ended up in the emergency room a couple of months ago, when onset of period, lack of eating, and stress from a test all converged, and she couldn't stop throwing up and passing out. That was fun.

So I offer myself to those in misery as chocolate-gofer, scotch-pourer, or male-kicker, as needed.

[Susan]

I spent my 20's and 30's in the first camp in which periods passed unnoticed, primarily because I was on the pill for most of that time. I've spent my 40's in the second category, on the cusp of the third and I am sure it has to do with the onset of menopause, still hanging out there as both promise and threat. Thus, I am entirely sympathetic to Kathy's woe.

Nothing works for me like massive amounts of motrin and copious doses of alcohol, both of which are probably doing a number on my stomach lining and liver. My life won't let me go to bed, so I travel with a Costco size pack of pads and a jumbo bottle of motrin. But this whole getting older thing really, really sucks when it comes to reproductive health. And Kathy is right that it's amazing nobody has figured out a way to ease the transition short of hormones or hysterectomy. I would think there's tons of money to be made by the drug company who figures it out. There's a whole lot of women who just want their lives back.

[Kathy Sweeney]

See, that is why I love TLC. The comments are always better than the blog. I'll bet a lot of people didn't even know about the throwing up and passing out parts. Seriously? We could also be know as The Learning Channel.

Glad to see some Men of the Blog stepping up too - excellent answer, Tom.

And Josh - when did you start asking permission? Ooohhh. I get it.

[Alexandra Sokoloff]

VERY funny!

I don't get them every month, more like every four, but when they do hit, it's hard to even walk. I hate how rubbery my bones feel when I'm having a heavy period.

I try to let Michael know when PMS hits. He gets it, steers away, and it's just better all the way around to have these things out in the open.

[meryl]

Sorry to get personal, but have you thought about an IUD? I have one and I pretty much don't get a period anymore. I'm not sure about its effect on cramps because I'm one of those people (ducks head) who doesn't really get them but it might be worth asking your doc about.

[Harley]

I've always been the No Cramp Kid, but since I also stopped menstruating for 6 years (and I did everything short of exorcism to start again) I figured there was some connection. Later, when I started taking weird shots (needles, not tequila) and other interesting things in order to have babies, I had one or two months of killer "I must go home this minute and lie in bed and moan" cramps and it made me realize what some of my friends/sisters go through month after month, year in, year out.

Who invented this system, anyway, and what earthly (or heavenly) purpose does it serve?

[Susan Lawson]

Hey Kathy. I hear and have felt your pain. I suffered from severe endometriosis with excruciating cramps until I had a complete hysterectomy at age 33. And what I find incredibly frustrating is that my mother had the same pain, same problem and had her hysterectomy at age 32. So with all the improvements in health care and medication I got exactly 1 year longer as a fully functioning female than my mother. Which begs the question...If men had an ongoing, excrutiating condition for which there was no cure and no relief and it happened every month for many years. And if the only "cure" for this condition was to totally remove all their reproductive organs. How long would it take them to focus their research and find a cure?

[William Simon]

Nothing to add here, except to say 1) Tom's comment is the best, and 2) I've given my AmEx card to the Barrista/Bartender, so you ladies indulge yourselves today....

[ramona]

I live in a house with three males, and we do not discuss These Things. I was always very discreet. Kept boxes out of sight. Never had many problems, so never talked about it.

And then, quite early, I began the big M. Once a hot flash hit, I turned into Screaming Miss GET ME AT F'ING WET TOWEL BEFORE I TEAR YOUR F'ING HEAD OFF! DO IT NOW! NOW!!! NOOOOOOOOOOW!

[ramona]

I live in a house with three males, and we do not discuss These Things. I was always very discreet. Kept boxes out of sight. Never had many problems, so never talked about it.

And then, quite early, I began the big M. Once a hot flash hit, I turned into Screaming Miss GET ME AT F'ING WET TOWEL BEFORE I TEAR YOUR F'ING HEAD OFF! DO IT NOW! NOW!!! NOOOOOOOOOOW!

[ramona]

Sorry for the double post. I go nuts just thinking about it.

[Cheryl]

Too timely.

I am doubled over in my seat with some doozy cramps, after 4 motrin. Add to the joy, 6 year old is home sick from school and husband is at the ER after stubbing his toe on the way to the shower (ugh, talk about turning one's stomach, toe is facing the wrong direction, ick). Don't forget the general whining of a 3 year old. Needless to say, no cookies, warm milk and a heating pad for me.

In my home growing up, the sign of cramps was always one of us laying on the couch with a heating pad. One time my mother came upon my 12 year old brother laid out complaining of cramps. No sympathy for him!

[Maryann Mercer]

I had a long standing affair with my heating pad, even while I was on the pill. Now they make little patches for that sort of thing, located right next to those for back pain at my local CVS. Having crossed the big M, I no longer have to deal with the blasted things. No HRT for me either...why prolong something I was not overly fond of? And there is Boniva (or Actonil) for the bone business.And you know, Midol worked for me better than anything else.

[Joyce Tremel]

I'm afraid to admit I'm one of the lucky ones. If I got cramps at all, they were very mild. Maybe it's just because I have a high tolerance for pain--I walked around on a fractured knee for three weeks once.

[Janis]

I had cramps all through my teens, twenties, and early thirties. They were bothersome but not debilitating. When I hit my mid-thirties, I began to suffer from PMS, which I'd never had before. As I approached menopause, the PMS was so horrible it was almost life-changing for me. I remember feeling as if PMS were a steamroller and I was about to be flattened. Sure, I could see the steamroller approaching but I simply could not move fast enough to get out of its way. I've always resisted taking drugs, but my daughter convinced me to try Midol PMS. I knew I was on the edge of the crazies when I told a clerk at Kroger's (also a friend) to show me where the Midol PMS was or I'd kill her. Man! It worked, but I think that's because half the normal dose put me to sleep for four hours. I felt almost as sorry for my family as I felt for myself.

All that went away after menopause hit. Then hot flashes hit. I have two hints to share: First, sleep with two pillows. Keep one on the floor beside your bed. When a hot flash wakes you up, grab the cool pillow from the floor. It provided instant relief for me. Second, get some of those small, cheap, rubber-bladed, battery-operated fans to keep by your side at all times. I kept one by my reading chair, one in my car, one in my purse. When a power surge hit, I aimed the fan at the back of my neck, then the top of my head, then my face. It didn't make the hot flashes go away, but it did make living through them bearable. I also found that places with no air circulation almost guaranteed a hot flash. That included the library stacks, the back aisles of grocery stores, the cash registers at book and department stores. I always chose to sit as close to the door as possible in restaurants because air moved when the door opened. If there was movement in the air, I was okay.

I made it through menopause about 10 years ago. I'm happy to have returned to my cheerful and kind self. I'm not so happy to report that the hot flashes continue but with much less frequency and intensity. Ah! Joyful womanhood!

[Cheryl]

Oh and the lies. My mother always said that after she had kids the cramps went away. Talk about an incentive plan... but it was all a lie.

[kris]

For those dealing with the joys of hot flashes - there's an herbal supplement called HOT FLASH that practically saved my best friend's life. (Her flashes were extreme - one, at work, was so intense it made her think the Rapture had hit.) Might be worth a try.

My cramps are unpleasant but not debilitating, though the older I get, the more pre-cramps I seem to be blessed with. Add in the fact that all my parts seemed to have reached their expiration date, and it makes for some interesting times indeed.

[beachfla]

I am completely in Susan's camp - managed to get through my 20's and 30's as a functioning human being. The 40's, however, stink to put it mildly. I become an ogre - consuming high quantities of chocolate and naprosyn, my drug of choice for cramps. There has got to be a better way! Until drug companies start putting $$$ into R&D for female conditions as they have for male (the blue pill et al), things are going to remain unchanged. It's the same for insurance companies that cover Viagra but not female contraception. Attitudes in society have got to change.

[AlynneP]

This blog made me laugh out loud! I love having to explain to my 4 yo what's so funny.

I've been nursing or pregnant for the last 8 years, so no cramps for me, but I'm not looking forward to the big M at all! My mother in law has had hot flashes since I've known her (15 years) and they are not pretty!

I want to read Josh's question!