Why Women Lie

By Sarah

Apparently, real women lie. Not real women like Harley, who, as she explained yesterday, lives a lie by keeping a meticulous, apple-pie-smelling house. I'm talking about about serious stuff such as extra marital affairs and money and whether or not his bald spot is growing. (It is.)

Now a book by Susan Shapiro Barash called "Little White Lies, Deep Dark Secrets: The Truth About Why Women Lie," claims women lie much more than we know. To prove this, Barash interviewed 500 women who answered her Craigslist (Craigslist??) ad and this is what her questionable research found - that 60% cheated on their husbands, 75% lied about money as in how much they made and how much they spent (well, duh) and a whopping half lied about their feelings of motherhood. For example, getting up three times a night to breast feed or tuck in a crying toddler or soothe a nervous teenager might not be as blissful as they claim to the playgroup.

Okay, I admit women lie and for that I say, thank heavens. I write chick lit, women's lit, whatever, and two of my stories - The Cinderella Pact and The Sleeping Beauty Proposal - are predicated on the protagonists' lies. It's no accident they've done well sales wise, I suppose, since women love to read about themselves. And look at soap operas. Some woman's always lying about the paternity of her darling new baby or whether she bludgeoned David Hamilton to death with a statue of Two Lovers. Women lie like carpet in fiction, hearkening back to Grimm's Fairytales (Rumplestiltskin) and Hansel and Gretel (it's Gretel who convinces Hansel to stick out the chicken bone instead of his arm.)

Which brings me to one reason why women lie - survival. I think this is Barash's premise, too, in part, but since this is my blog, not hers, I'm going with it. As girls, there's so much more pressure on us to be good. Boys can get into minor mischief, break a few windows and, when they reach adolescence, experiment with sex without suffering the condemnation of society. Whereas girls, of course, are still stigmatized for sleeping around. Hey, no one's paying them to lose their virginity by their eighteenth birthday and in some cultures it could spell their execution.

So perhaps that's why women are practiced at lying and why they resort to it when they get older and their problems surmount. As a reporter, I covered a number of cases - a surprising number, actually - of  women caught embezzling. Trust me, these were not women zipping around in fancy cars with fabulous wardrobes and diamond tennis bracelets. These were women trying to make ends meet.

The New York Times has reported that between 1993 and 2002, the number of women embezzling increased by 83%. Unreal. Sometimes gambling is to blame. (Porn. Gambling. Why is it that vices are the first edge of new technology?) Sometimes outrageous medical bills - but that's for another blog.

The women I wrote about were secretaries, bookkeepers and town clerks. They embezzled very little on the grand scheme - it was, after all, Vermont - but enough to get them a felony conviction and even time in the slammer. In almost all the cases, they intended to pay the money back and they stole because they needed to pay family bills. That, to me, sums up female lying at its most desperate core.

Women also lie to escape the wrath of their husbands who might hit the roof when they rip open the credit card bills. They lie to paint a more perfect image of themselves to their children. (The evolution, I suppose, of when they lied to paint a more perfect image of themselves to their parents.) And sometimes women lie because, what the hell. It's more convenient than telling the truth.

The bottom line is women lie because they lack power. And, like Brer Rabbit outsmarting the fox, they need to find the upper hand, even if that means sneaking around the back and getting a lift up.

Okay...so what have you lied about? (FYI, email addresses won't be posted and names can be aliases.)

Sarah

Comments

[Shannon]

I once told a drunk college friend that the reason he saw two of me was because my twin had come up for a visit.

[SusanCo]

OK here goes. I am heading out to work in an hour (retail work).As a test I am going to try and not tell a lie from 12noon til 8:30pm, white or just downright lying. You have me curious just how many little white lies I tell in one day while trying to help customers or trying to help ones that are causing a scene because we ran out of mandarin oranges that were in the ad.Now I dont know if oranges are in the ad this week,it is just an example, but they do feel the world is coming to the end if we do run out. This should be interesting or fatal. One way or the other I will let you know.SusanCo

[Kerry]

Karen, I benefited from the same rule growing up, and used it myself with my daughter to excellent effect. Her friends couldn't believe it the one time she really screwed up, felt terribly guilty, and told them she was going to tell me about it. And she told me afterwords that, while she had harbored a tiny doubt about whether or not I'd keep my end of the bargain, I proved to her that she could trust me. What a deal!

Meanwhile, I don't need to lie to anyone about money or anything like that; I stick to the same "social white lies" as everyone else. Except not anymore with folks who call soliciting money over the phone: if I'm sick, down with a migraine, or (on one memorable occassion) packing to go to a funeral, I tell them :)

[Rita Scott]

hmmm Where's Me, Margie? She's not off somewhere with Pinocchio, is she?

What's with typepad today? they doing 'upgrades'?

[sarahS]

Must be...because I've been trying to post and can't get on. SusanCo - great experiment.

What's with the Next, huh?

[Josh]

Sarah, the "Next" is to increase pageviews, which would matter if that's how you are charged or how you get advertising revenue. I hated it when MSNBC all of a sudden was splitting its stories onto two pages. Viola! Double the pageviews.

I could be wrong, but I'm not lying. : )

[Karen in Ohio]

Thank you, Kathy.

Mary, if you ever stop seeing me post here for awhile, it's because I've FINALLY gotten up the gumption to write my book, and then you will find out what the lie was! It will definitely be a part of it, somehow.

[Karen in Ohio]

Thank you, Kathy.

Mary, if you ever stop seeing me post here for awhile, it's because I've FINALLY gotten up the gumption to write my book, and then you will find out what the lie was! It will definitely be a part of it, somehow.

[Karen in Ohio]

Yes, Kerry! That's exactly what happened with our girls. I also made a pact with them when they were each teenagers that if they were ever unsure or uncomfortable when they were out with friends, call me, and I would come and get them, no questions asked. My middle daughter and the youngest one each called once, but neither of them have ever told me why. They also trusted me enough to tell me they were about to become sexually active, and asked for help and advice on birth control, per another agreement. I love these girls!

[Tom Barclay]

Seems to me people (yes, including women) lie for one of four reasons.

Some lies are told to protect yourself from harm.

Other lies are told to preserve our image of ourself. This is the one that's really insidious over the long haul.

Some of us lie for the hell of it. Some of us lie because we don't like other people well enough to tell 'em the truth or share our secrets. What would be character flaws (such as those) for some, writers seem to find an advantage.

[Harley]

Okay, I'm still stuck on Michele's comment about catching the Bad Babysitter and the Bad Boyfriend in their respective lies, and having it on tape.

Did you really catch the boyfriend on tape? Please say, yes, Michele, even if it's a lie, because it's the most entertaining and fabulous image! (of course, it wouldn't be so entertaining if it happened to me.)

In my family we don't call it lying. We call it embellishing. And we embellish a lot.

[Rita Scott]

welllll, I do lie when I'm messing with peoples minds, but that's when everybody is sitting around slinging BS!

[SusanCo]

Well here is the results of trying to not lie for 8 1/2 hours in retail.
I failed horribly!!! I lie without giving it a second thought! The man yelling at me because we ran out of sugar free cherry Jello, I lied that I was sorry we had let him down. I wasnt after being cussed out for three minutes. I lied to one of the clerks that got a new hair style. She was so proud of it what could I do but say I loved it. I knew I was suppose to not lie today and found out in retail working with the public YOU CANT NOT LIE. A man who has been coming into the store for many years and is one pain in the butt to make happy, I told him I was glad to see him again.A LIE. Maybe someone who doesnt work with the public can try the experiment because I FAILED ALL DAY LONG, some with forethought and some without knowing I was doing it. SusanCo

[Sue]

My biggest lie? "Yeah, boss. It's good to get back in the swing of things after a week of vacation."