Sell. Sell. Sell.
by Harley

I’m living a lie.

My house goes on the market this week, and I’m learning to disappear at a moment’s notice, while conveying the impression that I'm a homeowner with fabulous taste, ethics, and hygiene, whose septic tank has never given anyone a moment’s trouble.

For two months I’ve packed/thrown/given away 3/4 of my earthly possessions, based on what Melissa-the-realtor found unworthy. What remains is the crème de la crème, the art on my walls and the 7.8 million books in my built-in bookshelves. Plus a couple of vases (pronounced “vozziz.” The “vay-sis” went to Goodwill.)

When Melissa-the-realtor walked through my house last fall, I wept. How to offload 10 years of junk, with a looming book deadline? So Melissa sent over Julie-from-Scotland, who stormed my kitchen, and banished (for instance) the Mandoline (inherited from the French chef boyfriend) nine muffin tins and three spare turkey basters. When Julie was done, my kitchen looked great and Julie had persuaded me to consult Hazel-the-Witch, another Topanga neighbor, who works with Disruptive Life Patterns. But then came Christmas, so I blew off house-restoration.

But on Februrary 29 I finished my novel. And got a burst of energy. Cleaning out a closet, I thought, “gee, that was easy. I’ll keep going.” An hour later I said, “I’ve come this far, I may as well move.”

Then I started looking at houses. Yippee! Buyer’s market! Fun hobby! And here’s what I discovered: there are 3 types of “for sale” houses: empty, staged, and lived-in.

Empty: Irritating because I feel stupid when I can’t identify a room. If it’s a bedroom, why’s there a wet bar? If it’s a dining room, how come it’s wired for cable? (BTW, am I the only person who doesn’t care about wet bars?) Plus, there’s no hiding a dreadful chandelier when it’s the only furnishing.

Lived-in: Also not great. One house featured a surly teenage boy in boxers standing at the refrigerator drinking milk from the carton. I thought perhaps he hadn’t gotten the memo about the house being for sale, but no, he allowed us to see his room, done up in black walls and ceiling, covered with gangster rap posters. It took a lot of squinting to picture my daughter’s Barbie canopy in there.

Staged: this is the way to go. Yeah, it’s manipulative, even cheesy, with those cookies baking in the oven, but at least you know the piano’s gonna fit in the living room. After seeing a couple of staged houses, I went home to stage my own. I peeled the poetry off the kitchen cupboards. The “Finish the first draft!” affirmations. The Kwan Yin refrigerator magnets. I left a few personal items, like the skull on my desk, but only because Nancy Martin has one too; thus, it must be tasteful.

So now I am a minimalist woman with minimalist children, who has Windex and whisk brooms strategically placed, and empties wastebaskets with the zeal of a Four Seasons maid. A woman with new-sanded floors, -beige carpets, -white walls, -cleaned windows, -sodded lawn, thanks to Steve, Ruben, Lareto, Lemis, Diego, Carlo, Maria, Mercedes, Jose, Juan, Bo, Brendan, Ralph, Alex, Nelly, Dennis, Paul, and Melissa.

How long can I keep this up? Not long. Soon the new plants will die and the children will go mad and spraypaint the walls like tiny gang members. Say a prayer, would you? Light a candle, convene a coven meeting, send over a Feng Shui consultant or a statue of St. Joseph for me to bury in the backyard? Picture that sign saying “Sold, sold, sold”? Thanks.

Happy Monday!
Harley

Comments

[Peg H]

Harley, if I had a St. Joseph I send him your way, he works. My younger sister buried one in front of her house the day they decided to sell and in a week they had three offers. However, since I don't I'll light some candles and send a buyer your way.

[Vancouver realtor]

Very nice and warm story. I have seen this process hundred times as Vancouver ReMax realtor and observed different types of people - some loving all their things and trying to pack everything from grandfather's pipe to half century old kid shoe half eaten from mice. Other just throw everything into garabage. And most I love those, who leave some treasures in house - box of old LP's, pack of hockey cards or dozen of old VHS tapes. Many new owners are happy to find it and if not, I am happy to take it :)

[Sue]

Reminds me of an Erma Bombeck story about selling her house. It wasn't happening, no matter how clean and tidy they all were; no matter how fast they could disappear when the realtor called that she was right around the corner. One Sunday they all said the heck with it....and they showed the house with the Sunday paper on the floor next to the big armchair, the smell of food and coffee still in the air, and the kids watching cartoons or something. It sold to the people who actually saw the house in use, and it sold because they witnessed the hominess they wanted. Go figure.

St. Joseph didn't work for us when we tried him years ago...I think he was pissed at standing on his head in a chipmunk burrow.

May an anxious buyer fall in love with your house at first sight, and may he/she/it put in a bid over the asking price, just to assure he/she/it gets it. Good luck!

[Alexandra Sokoloff]

Good luck, honey!

Your house has your energy all through it, which makes it priceless. Buyers will pay double, I'm sure.

[Nancy martin]

Harley, take it from me: Do Not Hide The Mail In The Oven When The Rrealtor Calls With A Last Minute Client.

I always forgot it was there when it came time to pre=heat for dinner. Big no-no.

[janetlynn13]

I don't care about wet bars, either! I loved the 'surly teenage boy' comment. It made me remember the intrusive feeling while looking at houses.

I loved looking for a house, and getting a peek at other peoples lives and decorating ideas. But I could never imagine the house without their stuff. That troubled me, because realtors tell people that houses sell better with furniture, and that there would be very few shown empty. Guess what? We bought a house that was empty. Fell in love at first sight.

And selling our house - it was not staged, and not decorated as nicely as I am sure yours is. It still sold quickly. It really comes down to the right person seeing it and loving it. Remember, it takes only one buyer to sell it!

I am sorry I missed you at the Friday night TLC party in Pgh. How was your performance? That would have been great to see!

[Harley]

Janetlynn, I'm sorry I wasn't at the party! The performance was, I hope, visually interesting because the sound system wasn't working so pretty much no one could hear us forget our lines. However, as usual, WE had fun. I hope everyone else did too.

Nancy, thank you. Another item to add to the To Do list! No Mail In Oven.

I'm thinking once someone makes an offer on the house, we can go back to our old slovenly ways, right?

[Laura (in PA)]

Ugh. My husband and I have lived in our current house for 11 years, and are contemplating downsizing in the next couple of years. Looking at all the junk we've accumulated (not to mention kids' junk that is stored in our basement) is enough to give me a headache. I am determined to weed out all the stuff I hung on to for sentimental or other reasons, that I have never used or don't need.

Another thing that annoys me, is that you never do all the stuff you want to do to make your house look better, until you're selling it to someone else. I keep meaning to get that front door fixed, or ideally put in hardwood floors, but it probably won't happen until I need to make it look nice for other people.

It's so hard to keep a house show-worthy, while there are kids and pets still living there. Good luck, Harley - hope you find the perfect home for yourself and your babies.

[Laura (in PA)]

Oh, and Nancy, a friend of mine did the same oven thing with a basket of fruit. It smelled like someone was making a slightly woody pie.

[Maryann Mercer]

Harley- get one of those cinnamon/apple candles. Nothing says homey like the scent of something baking in that oven even if you haven't baked in weeks :o). I know I sound like a Glade commercial here, but subtle scent is a good thing. Especially cookies.
We're on a two year plan to get the house ready for sale. That doesn't mean we'll sell, just that we need to get things done before one of us ends up in the home :o)
Blessings, good thoughts, and a huge SOLD sign to you, Harley.

[ramona]

Harley, no St. Joseph, but I have a voodoo doll with your name on it. I will mail it to you. (It's been wrapped since New Year's but it's going off this week, I swear, by my love for BB.)

When you get it, use the white pin. Visualize the family (preferably happy, rich, and clean) you want living in your home. Stick the pin in and wish them many happy days there.

Then visualize your own family (also happy, rich, and clean) in a nice new home. Stick the pin in again and imagine the same happiness for you and your kids. It will work.

[Harley]

I love this new mantra: Happy, Rich & Clean.

Oh, Laura in PA, you are SO right. When the guy came to tell me how cheap it would be to refinish all our soft-wood floors, I literally wept. For 9 years I lived with floors that looked like we drag chains over them every day. Now they are perfect. Sigh.

But it DOES make me happy to think of new people here, enjoying them. New people who will make an offer quickly. A nice generous offer. New people who will be approved for a mortgage easily.

[Josh]

Whatever you do, please don't lock your daughter in the basement for 24 years and force her to have seven children by your husband. http://www.mirror.co.uk/news/topstories/2008/04/28/sex-slave-father-confesses-to-locking-daughter-in-cellar-for-24-years-89520-20397801/

That would probably adversely affect the market value, although maybe not more than a wet basement.

[Harley]

Or a leaky roof. Thanks for the tip, Josh. You know, I HAD contemplated that, but as you may or may not know, California houses don't have basements.

[Harley]

Okay, I just clicked on the link and that is one gruesome story. I think I'll skip breakfast today.

[Josh]

No, I didn't know that you don't have basements, but I thought that you probably wouldn't likely have water in it, being in the desert and all.

[Kathy Sweeney]

Sending good karma your way. People here swear by the St. Joseph thing - I wonder if burying his baby aspirin would work in California, absent a statue? Might be worth a try.

We did the cookies in the oven thing when we sold our last house. It worked. Although that's Pittsburgh. In your neighborhood, maybe your house should smell like something else. It's like a fire in the fireplace - that's great here if you're selling your house in the winter, but given your area's experience, the last thing you want people thinking about is flames.

Off to set up for the Festival of Mystery - 50 authors this year, and a table set up for our own Elaine's "Clubbed to Death" in her absence.

While you're all thinking good thoughts for Harley, please throw some in for book sales!

[Sue]

You can have soft-wood floors refinished...without it costing more than a 3,000 square foot, all marble addition? Oh, Harley, you have actually put a slight glimmer into my eyes. Imagine what mine look like after 10 years of boy stuff - including having rolling chair races around the island in the kitchen and the occasional "I forgot I still had the metal cleats on." Bless you, my child....bless you twentyfold.

[ArkansasCyndi]

When I had our house on the market, I had the cabinet doors from our new (30 y/o used) house spread all over my kitchen counters. I was painting them. Agent called. I had to stack all these wet cabinet door in my garage. Needless to say, I had to resand and repaint every door. ARGH

The key to selling your house is price it right.

Good Luck, Harley!

[Rita Scott]

Wet bars are 'the thing' now?
Elaine & I were house hunting at the same time. She felt like smacking the agent with a piece of 'granite counter top'.
I threatened to drown mine if she showed me another pool!
Good luck Harley! St. Joseph couldn't hurt, you can get him at any Christian book store.

[Elaine Viets]

Good luck, Harley. I'm not much of a cook, but before we showed our condo, I'd boil a pot of water with a lot of cinnamon in it, then stash it in the fridge until the next showing. We got a record price for the place.
Crossing my fingers for you.

[Mary Storyteller]

Ramona, I like your voodoo style. What pin would help my neighbors stop smoking? They have aired the place out to help keep me breathing (bless their little hearts), but if they'd stop, they could help themselves as well.
My realtor (eco-broker) bakes chocolate chip cookies and offers them as treats to open house attendees. He says they always say no but then take one later, and he has sustenance for himself while he's there. I'm moving first (once the house is finished -- it seems so far away. Right now, there is a basement and wood sitting in mud), so the place will be mostly empty, but we already talked about leaving some lamps behind, because bright lighting is essential.

[Karen in Ohio]

Harley, the good side of selling your house is that you clear out all the clutter that has accumulated. And having just raised three kids, there was probably extra stuff from all the old toys and clothing and just stuff they no longer need. People who don't move need to pretend they are doing so once in awhile, just to be able to get rid of junk.

We've lived here for almost 23 years, and I realized a couple of years ago, when I was cleaning out a relative's family home for them after a death in the family, that it was time to lighten our load, so to speak. Since then, I have driven no fewer than 23 carloads of stuff to Goodwill, plus three people have come over for donated carloads, and the library sent a truck to pick up 1,000 books. And you still can't tell I've taken a thing out of the house, somehow. (It's two stories, four bedrooms, with a big basement and a large attic, so there are LOTS of nooks and crannies to stash stuff).

At the moment, my middle daughter is FINALLY cleaning her room, preparing to move out West and begin her "real" life, ie, not in a college dorm, and not in one room in a shared apartment. I suspect there will be several carloads of stuff leaving the house later this week. Hooray! It will be nice to have a guest room for when the kids all come home to visit. It would be nice to have a shrine in someone's home, wouldn't it? That shrine must go, though. I told her she can keep two shelves of her things in the closet, especially her American Girl dolls, but ONLY those two shelves. We'll see how this goes.

I don't get the wet bar thing, either. But chandeliers can be changed, Harley. Keeping fingers and toes crossed for a quick, well-priced sale so you and the kids can go back to normal ASAP.

[michele]

Harley, it sounds like you're doing everything right. This house is going to sell in a snap.

[Kerry]

Good luck, Harley! I wont' go into the whole saga of trying to sell my parents' house, but it had the happiest of endings: we sold it to a family with an adult daughter who is mentally disabled and for whom the fully-finsihed basement (2 bedrooms, bathroom, and living/sitting room combination) will be perfect. I'm sure yours will sell to someone for whom it will be just as perfect. Oh -- and the cinnamon thing? Try simmering cinnamon sticks and cloves in a pan of apple juice . . .