How to Marry Julia Roberts

By Elaine Viets

How did a geek like Lyle Lovett marry Julia Roberts? That's a question that drives men mad.

OK, the marriage lasted less than two years. But he did walk her down the aisle.

I can explain, sir. The answer was in an Esquire magazine interview. Lyle told the writer, "There are universal truths about women."

"Oh, let me hear one," the writer said.

"Women like to eat outside," Lyle said.

Now there’s a man who understands women. As soon as the weather turns warm, we women sigh restlessly and look for a romantic cafe. We’ll settle for six plastic tables on the sidewalk.

Many men don’t have these feelings. They love air conditioning. They think air, like beer, should be kept cold. No amount of sweet reason can convince these men to eat outside.

"Let’s sit outside," she will say. "It’s too nice to be indoors."

"Do we have to?" he’ll ask. "It’s too hot."

"This is what real air feels like," she’ll say. "We’ve been cooped up inside all winter. Why don’t you want to sit outside?"

"It’s full of bugs," he’ll say.

"So is that bar you like so much," she’ll say. "At least if I see the bugs outside, I can pretend they are passing through."

"What is it about eating outside?" he’ll ask.

"It’s romantic," she’ll say.

"Breathing bus exhaust is romantic?"

I could go on, but it’s too painful. The man understands he has failed to pass another test. He just doesn’t know what it is. Many men are comfortable in caves. Remember his bachelor apartment? It was done in cave colors – gray, brown and black. Men’s bars are dark caverns. Some even have Neanderthals.

Women like light and sun. We are creatures of imagination. We imagine that if we sit on a parking lot under a Cinzano umbrella, we are closer to nature. If the restaurant puts out six pots of sunbaked petunias, we think it’s romantic.

Most men can’t imagine why we like this. Only if he is desperately in love – or lust – will he eat outside. So during the couple’s courtship, he will take her to an outdoor restaurant.

She thinks it’s because he’s a romantic who likes to do the same things she does. He thinks he’s impressing her with his daring. It’s the same instinct that makes small boys hang from trees so little girls will notice them. But a guy doesn’t have to hang from a tree branch forever. Once the girl is impressed, he can let go.

So most men believe once they have done the daring deed and eaten outside, that’s enough. They’ve proved their love. They won’t ever have to do it again. Surely she won’t make him spend the rest of his life eating outside, trying to hold onto a plastic glass and paper napkin in a gale-force wind?

Besides, eating outside makes a man feel ridiculous.

This last argument won’t impress most women. We know he is not afraid to look ridiculous outside. We see men put on lime green pants and spiked shoes and stomp around the golf course. We see men in short pants and sweaty T-shirts running on the city streets. We know men who sit in cold damp duck blinds at four in the morning.

But these same men complain that sitting in a garden restaurant on a spring day is uncomfortable. A woman wonders what’s wrong. Doesn’t he love her any more?

She doesn’t get it.

He doesn’t get it.

Only Lyle Lovett gets it, which is why he got Julia Roberts – at least for a little while.

Comments

[Peg H]

Last August I bought a lovely cedar table for the yard. It was an end of the season sale (real cheap) so what if the table didn't have matching chairs. I told him I wanted to look for chairs. He asked why. "So we can sit outside and eat a meal or two at our new table." He grumped that it was too hot to sit outside. I'm still looking for chairs and I saw a wonderful pergola in Sears yesterday.

Am I the only one who lives on vampire time?

[Peg H]

Oops, hit post instead of preview.

What happened to the man I married who would take me on picnics? The one who never minded an outdoor cafe? You got it...he proved his love. After 34 years he's figured he's earned his cave time. I get it, so when I want to eat outside, go on a picnic, or stop at a sidewalk cafe I call my neighbor. Her husband has earned his cave time too.

[Linda L. Richards]

Another reason he *got* Roberts: beauty -- attractiveness -- is in the eye of the beholder. To some eyes he's hot -- or he was then -- and she's got a laugh like a donkey and a scary amount of teeth. And in the game of life, of love, none of it matters.

[Sue]

See...having been a Lyle fan forever and a day, the question I always asked was what the hell did he ever see in her? The man has a quiet sexiness that sneaks up behind you and slaps you in the head, rendering you helpless to his charms.

My mister always wants to eat indoors because he's relegated to the garage or the deck to smoke. The only time he gets to come indoors is to use the bathroom, sleep, or eat. And having been married with child most of my life....they still have restaurants? Fancy that!

[Elaine Viets]

Ah, Linda, a woman after my heart. I think Lyle is handsome, too, and Julia Roberts' attractiveness escapes me.

[William Simon]

Given a choice, I always prefer dining "al fresco", a habit picked up in Miami Beach way back when. Trouble is down here, it's usually 98 degrees with 137% humidity, and that hardly adds to the dining experience. From October to March is usually a good time, unless like this past year, when the mercury dropped into the 30's on a regular basis, making it freezing cold. You just can't win with the weather in Houston....

However, I did recently read about a new restaurant in L.A. called "Taste Chicago", that specializes in real Chicago food; Italian Beef sandwiches, real deep dish pizza, etc., and what was described as a large outdoor patio for dining. Might have to put together a Tart Road Trip just to check that out!

[michele]

She married him for his music! I can think of several trolls and dwarves I would've married for their music at various moments in my life.

[Harley]

Aha! There is, as Sue just reminded me, the exception to the inside/outside phenomenon, Elaine -- at the end of my smoking days, just as LA was going No Smoking at all indoor establishments, I was willing to eat outside in the rain. I would've done it even if I'd been a man. Nicotine addiction trumps gender.

Now I like to eat outdoors mainly because the outside Standard of Etiquette is a bit more relaxed and when one has 3 energetic children of a certain age, that matters. Otherwise, I'm happy outside as long as it's not too cold, too windy, or too sunny. There are times in LA, where so much of life happens outdoors, that I'm so cold that I've literally draped cloth napkins over me, and come close to doing it with tablecloths too.

[Harley]

I like Lyle's music too. In fact, I love it!

But I grew up with guitar players and they're always strumming their guitars while pretending to have a conversation and you know they're not listening to anything but that music in their heads. Can't imagine marrying one.

[Maryann Mercer]

Who knew Lyle had a fan club right here at TLC! I could never figure out how he and Julia Roberts got together until I saw him in concert in a very small venue...the man oozes carrying, compassion, and a wicked sense of humor. Not to mention his songs are all little stories set to music, not just random rhyming words.
On the other hand, most of the time I'd rather eat inside and then go out to enjoy the air. I do have one or two exceptions though...the Cafe du Monde on Jackson Square being the first. Hot dogs and beer at Wrigley are another. It's all about the setting I guess.
Hi-jack--my B&N had Angela Shelton in for a presentation and signing last night. She was amazing. If you can find her book, get it, It's title? Finding Angela Shelton.
Back to our regular programming :o)
Now Harley, I have this thing about piano players, but a good flamenco can speak volumes!

[Kathy Reschini Sweeney]

Here in Pittsburgh, you'll see the tables set up on the sidewalks the first time it gets sunny. We have a very short (and erratic) al fresco dinner season, so I'm always willing to take advantage of it. Places are starting to use those portable heaters that look like big pole lamps, so I'm ready as soon as it's over 50. The kids know to dress warm, and there are always blankets in the car.

It's not just the men who balk - I have female friends who don't like to sit outside - some don't like the temp, and some don't see the charm of eating on the sidewalk with cars all over the place.

On the other hand, in August - when the humidity and temps are high, and the bugs are flying, I'm an indoor person.

As for Lyle - it's hard to resist any man who can sing to you.

[Susan]

All you have to do is listen to Lyle's music to know he understands women. And men. And women and men together. Someone has already stolen the quote that the real question is what Lyle saw in Julia. But I always maintain he was far too good and too talented for her.

For some reason, I am the only one in my family who enjoys eating outdoors. I think it may be I am the only one who does not suffer from seasonal allergies. The rest of them will take air conditioning over sneezing every time.

I have a paper to write today, so I'm off to rev up our entire Lyle collection on iTunes I think everything is easier when you have Lyle crooning in you ear. For the record, my favorite is "Nobody Knows Me." Weak in the knees, I'm telling ya.

[Lori]

I too subscribe to the idea that Julia did not deserve Lyle. Lyle is a poet. Who pierces your heart. He DOES understand women. *sigh* Funky hair and all.

[Kerry]

Once again, my husband proves that they broke the mold with him. As long as it's warmish, he'd rather eat outside, mostly because he hates air conditioning. I don't mind eating outside, except that I also suffer from seasonal allergies and really don't want to spend my meal gazing out over traffic or a parking lot (which are the two options in most outdoor seating in my area). Also, I can't stand heat + humidity.

Now, give me appropriate weather (hot's OK as long as it's dry) and either an indoor patio or something pretty to look at, and I'm all there.

[Nancy martin]

I dedicated a book to Lyle. Here's my favorite song:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4o3m1FwhusY

Jeff and I had dinner on the porch last night. Deelightful!

[Mary Storyteller]

I have those allergy problems also, but on those first warm days, I can be tempted to a nice outdoor table, for the sheer joy of being outdoors finally. (Just as, when I lived in Minneapolis, we would buy ice cream cones on the first day that the temperature rose to 32 degrees, just to watch the ice cream actually melt). Grappa Grill and Magpie's in St. Charles have good outdoor patio/garden areas. One busy spring I scored a huge stack of sophomore essays (safely anchored with big "bulldog" clips) on the patio at Grappa, fueled by coffee and cappucinno creme brulee. It was the only way to get some outdoor time. (Teachers are crazy busy in the final quarter of the year -- my friend's husband coined the alliterative warning "Don't mess with Mom in May).
Now that I'm retired, I could see spending quiet moments with a guy who sings . . . ;-)

[Josh]

I love eating outside. I used to eat out on picnic tables outside my suburban office park building before I turned lunch into a social event. That is, when the weather was favorable. Maybe I'll start doing that again this year.

There's a New Orleans-themed restaurant a few blocks from my house, and unless it's too hot or too cold, we eat outside there. Same with any other neighborhood restaurant/bar.

[Cate]

This just proves I am SUCH a guy. I don't need to cuddle afterwards, foreplay is overrated, and I HATE eating outdoors. My husband loves to. What the...

Julia Roberts? Yeah, I don't get it. Her mouth is too wide and she walks like a man. Good actress, but gorgeous? There's that whole eye of the beholder thing again.

[Karen in Ohio]

You guys are making me appreciate my husband more! He loves to eat outdoors (I suffer from being too attractive to mosquitoes), and he does not think Julia Roberts is at all pretty. (For one, she's too flat-chested for him, and he prefers brunettes, Lord love him.)

I never really listened to any of Lyle Lovett's music until I found myself alone with my daughter and son-in-law's music collection, which includes every CD he has made. He's lovely, and I think he's sexy as hell, too. But then, I always thought Willie Nelson was sexy, and Gene Wilder. Go figure. It has more to do with a sense of humor and a twinkle in the eye than with what someone else sees as physical "perfection".

[Elaine Viets]

Karen, give your husband an extra hug from the Book Tarts. I think Willie Nelson is sexy, too, but then I like a man who's been around. Gene Wilder is funny and that counts for a lot in my book.

[Karen in Ohio]

Elaine, I've been working my way through your Dead End jobs books, and loving every page of them. I can so relate, having had a few of those myself. Just finished High Heels Can be Murder, which is wonderful. You left no shoe pun unturned, my dear!

Hubby will love having a hug from the Book Tarts!

[Karen in Ohio]

Oops, sorry. High Heels ARE Murder.

[Elaine Viets]

It's true, Karen. I put my heart and sole into HIGH HEELS ARE MURDER.

[Rebecca the Bookseller]

I love a man who can sing, but even I would have had to do something about Lyle's hair.

As for eating outside, that is one of the reasons we love to go to Florida in January - you can actually spend lots of time outside without coats, boots and mittens!

[Rita Scott]

A sense of humor makes any man look better!