WTF Did You Say?

By Me, Margie

Okay, we all say stuff we shouldn't. Even someone with the communication skills of Me, Margie, can blurt out something idiotic once in a while.

But seriously? Some things are just beyond belief. So let's play a game. I am going to list some of the stupidest-ass things I have ever heard, and you can guess who said it. Then you can do the same. I mean, there are plenty of moronic statements to go around. To be fair to all you people who are, you know, not really old, but are older than me, I am going to include boners from before I was born. Ready?

1. "The Internet is not a dump truck. It's a series of tubes."

2. "Always go to other people’s funerals, otherwise they won’t come to yours."

3. "The word ‘genius’ isn’t applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein."

4. "If you’re killed, you’ve lost a very important part of your life."

5. "I’ve never had a problem with drugs. I’ve had problems with the police."

6. "I always listen to ‘NSYNC’s Tearin’ Up My Heart. It reminds me to wear a bra."

7. "Politics gives guys so much power that they tend to behave badly around women. And I hope I never get into that."

8. "What a waste it is to lose one's mind. Or not to have a mind is being very wasteful. How true that is."

9. "You mean they've scheduled Yom Kippur opposite Charlie's Angels?"

10. "Whenever I watch TV and I see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I would love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff."

11. "It could take six days..six weeks-- I doubt six months."

12. "Rarely is the question asked: Is our children learning?"

13. "(T)he feminist agenda is not about equal rights for women. It is about a socialist, anti-family political movement that encourages women to leave their husbands, kill their children, practice witchcraft, destroy capitalism and become lesbians."

14. "I mean, it was exactly the same, even though it's run by blacks, primarily black patronship...There wasn't one person in Sylvia's who was screaming, 'M-Fer, I want more iced tea.' "

15. “I can honestly say, all the bad things that ever happened to me were directly, directly attributed to drugs and alcohol. I mean, I would never urinate at the Alamo at nine o'clock in the morning dressed in a woman's evening dress sober.”

Okay, your turn. Once somebody guesses correctly, I'll confirm it. And I left out a LOT of good ones, so you guys have no excuse for not adding to the list.

MID-DAY UPDATE from Me, Margie

We did so well, that it's time for more fun - as you know, some of you (okay, us) only come here for the sex. So here are some classic funny quotes about - what else? Here's a hint - for a change, none of these are from politicians. Those kind are more nauseating than funny.

A. “I know nothing about sex because I was always married.”

B. “Bisexuality doubles your chance of a date on Saturday night.”

C. "When the authorities warn you of the dangers of having sex, there is an important lesson to be learned. Do not have sex with the authorities."

D. "There are a number of mechanical devices that increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief amongst these is the Mercedes-Benz 380L convertible."

E. "Sex at the age of eighty-four is a wonderful experience. Especially the one in the winter."

F. "Sex is one of the most wholesome, beautiful and natural experiences that money can buy."

G. "When I'm good I'm very, very good but when I'm bad I'm better."

H. “Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place.”

I. “A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she's a tramp.”

J. “I'm too shy to express my sexual needs except over the phone to people I don't know.”

K. "Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship."

L. “Hell, if I'd jumped on all the dames I'm supposed to have jumped on, I'd have had no time to go fishing.”

Comments

[cathy]

I believe #8 was uttered by Dan "Potatoe" Quayle and #14 by Bill O'Reilly

[JD Milan]

LOL!!! Thanks for the laugh. These ones all should win Darwin awards. Especially the football one. Did Paris Hilton say #10, the starving kids one?

[Mary Lynn]

Number one is senator Ted Stevens attempting to describe network neutrality. He was trying to keep the bozos from inplementing fees for priority.

Number four was Brooke Shields. What did we ever do to deserve these spokespeoples????

Fred Silverman was only a TV programmer when he uttered #9.

And then there is the paragon of religious tolerance who even scares the other wing-nuts, Pat Roberston, who believes I should abandon Tom, kill my children and become a witch. I'm pretty sure that both my kids and Tom at times have thought I was a witch--just like there were times I felt like killing them or leaving them.
But I am too capatilistic--there's no profit in killing your kids. They won't be around to support you in your dotage.

[Josh]

Some are guesses, some aren't:

# 2--Yogi Berra (guess)

# 3--Joe Theismann

# 4--GWB (guess)

# 6--Britney Spears (guess)

# 7--Eliot Spitzer (guess)

# 8--Dan Qayle

# 11-Dick Cheney (could be Rumsfeld)

# 12-GWB-embarrassing.

# 13-Rosie O'Donnell, my TV-movie sister (actually, I have no idea)

# 14-Bill O'Reilly

# 15-GWB (guess)

Mine will come later, over the course of the day. I know, I know, you can hardly wait.

[William Simon]

The ones that come to my mind are, according to legend, actual statements by studio executives:

"Let's do "The Wiz" with a white cast!"

"This guy Doestoevesky... see if he's available to do the screenplay."

"We want "Rosemary's Baby" with a lighter touch."

"Make it 27% scarier."

[Me, Margie]

Good morning. It's Me, Margie.

Wow. You guys are GOOD!

1. Senator Ted Stevens of Alaska

2. Yogi Berra (more of a genius than a dumbshit, but you gotta love his quotes)

3. Joe Theisman

4. Brooke Sheilds, auditioning to be the spokesperson for an anti-smoking campaign

5. KEEP GUESSING

6. Yes - Britney Spears. This statement should have been a clue as to where she was headed.

7. KEEP GUESSING

8. That would be our former Vice President, Dan Quayle. Who'd have ever thought we might miss him? Simmer down, it's a joke. In a way.

9. It WAS Fred Silverman - excellent call - and perhaps my favorite of all the dumbshit quotes.

10. KEEP GUESSING

11. Donald Rumsfeld. One of the great minds behind the war.

12. That would, in fact, be our very own President, George W(TF) Bush. Truly? I had a very hard time limiting him to only one.

13. Yes, those words of faith and inspiration came from the Rev. Pat Robertson.

14. Bill O'Reilly. And can I just say when I used The Google to double check this one, I saw a very troubling quote that included falafel? WTF? This guy has his own show?

15. KEEP GUESSING.

Okay - clearly you guys are smarter than I though. No offense. So I need more quotes - let's hear them.

[Nancy martin]

Go back and read them all again, but ASSUME they all come out of the mouth of our current president. It's ever so entertaining.

[John McAuley]

#15 is Ozzy...Jeez, how can I know that this this early in the morning, before my first coffee or sixth beer.
John McAuley

[Cathy]

#5 - politics, power, women -- is that Bill Clinton? I've never heard it before, but that just sounds exactly like him, (pre-Monica of course).

[Cathy]

No, I meant #7, not #5, sorry!

[Josh]

Quote: Power is the ultimate aphrodisiac.

[William Simon]

Josh, Answer: Henry Kissinger

[Maryann Mercer]

#7 is Bill Clinton
#10 is Mariah Carey
I like these:
"Life is very important to Americans"
"I get to go to lots of overseas places, like Canada."
"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure."
"The only happy artist is a dead artist, because only then you can't change. After I die, I'll probably come back as a paintbrush."
"Solutions are not the answer."

This is fun! :o) Happy Friday everyone.

[Josh]

Quote: Grown men should not be having sex with prostitutes unless they are married to them.

By the way, Googling is not a fair way to solve any of these, even though that's how I found this quote.

[ArkansasCyndi]

Never have more children than you have car windows.

I like children - fried.

I think we ought to raise the age at which juveniles can have a gun.

[sarahS]

I know some of these - Dan Quayle, Ted Stevens, natch....But, man, they're priceless. Thanks Margie.

BTW - Next month my daughter's high schools IS putting on The Wiz. And, as demographics would have it, with an all white cast.

I know - WTF were they thinking?

[Cassie]

# 10 is Sarah Silverman, right??

And here's my contribution:

"I really believe that the pagans, and the abortionists, and the feminists, and the gays and the lesbians who are actively trying to make that an alternative lifestyle, the ACLU, People for the American Way -- all of them who have tried to secularize America -- I point the finger in their face and say, 'You helped this [the Sept. 11th terrorist attacks] happen.'"

[Cassie]

My guess for #5 is Robert Downey, Jr.

[ArkansasCyndi]

Cassie - Wasn't the Jerry Fawell talking to Pat Robertson, who then agreed with him?

[Kerry]

Thanks, Margie et al., for a great start to the morning. I just treated myself to a romp through the past here: http://www.quotationspage.com/quotes/Dan_Quayle/

Sometimes you have to laugh or you'll cry your eyes out . . .

[Cassie]

It was Jerry Falwell, ArkansasCyndi! Way to go. He said that on Sept. 13, 2001.

[Laura (in PA)]

I like the one supposedly said in response to Fred Astaire's first screen test: "Can't act. Can't sing. Balding. Can dance a little."

Don't know who said it though.

[Pam aka SisterZip]

#6 has to be Britney Spears

#8 Dan Quayle

My contribution: These are all from the same person and the last one is the big clue.

Facts are stupid things.

The nine most terrifying words in the English language are, 'I'm from the government and I'm here to help.'

My fellow Americans, I am pleased to tell you I just signed legislation which outlaws Russia forever. The bombing begins in five minutes.

[Maryann Mercer]

Cyndi-that children quote sounds a lot like W.C.Fields. And Josh...google? Would we do that? :o)

[Pam aka SisterZip]

And an oldie but goody

See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time.