Strangers on a Plane

By Elaine Viets

You’re trapped in a metal tube with more than a hundred frightened people, hurtling across the sky at five hundred miles an hour. Welcome to modern plane travel. No matter how many people are on your flight, most of them can be divided into the following groups.

The octopus: I met my first octopus on a crowded four-hour flight. The poor fellow was crammed in a middle seat. I had the aisle. The octopus was a young man in satin gangsta clothes who fell asleep right after the plane took off. Soon he was sleeping with his head on my shoulder. Then he had his arms wrapped around me. The guy was about six feet tall and weighed two-twenty. I was drowning in a satin avalanche.

I gingerly woke him.

"Sorry, miss," he said.

I instantly forgave him his trespasses.

The guy sat up straight for about ten minutes, then fell asleep again. How did he manage to sleep on a plane? His head slipped to my shoulder. Soon he was sprawled everywhere, like satin kudzu. Again, I woke him up. Again, he apologized. The third time, I put the chair arm down between us and said, "Here. Lean on this." It worked until we landed.

The talker: This person is usually a nervous flyer. It doesn’t matter if you have a book and pointedly stare at it. The talker is compelled to tell you about her children, her husband, her job, her dog and her church projects. There is no escape. It’s like being locked in the world’s longest Christmas letter.

The pickup artist: The guy next to you offers to buy you a drink. You decline, but he doesn’t take that as a no. He wants to talk about his wife, his ex-wife – and you. "What do you do?" he’ll say, about half an hour into the monologue.

"I’m a writer."

"Interesting," he says, in a tone that says he couldn’t be less interested, and then he’s back to his pickup attempt. There is no escape. You are stuck in a singles bar at 30,000 feet. There’s only one way to get rid of this guy – put the fear of the Lord into him. That’s when I ask, "Do you accept Jesus as your personal savior?"

Only once has this tactic failed me. As punishment for my sins, I had to listen to a long religious lecture.

The defiant ones: The captain has announced that the plane is in its final descent, or about to take off, or it’s hit rough weather and all passengers are instructed to return to their seats and fasten their belts.

The defiant ones wander about the cabin as if they are at a cocktail party. They open the overhead bins when the plane is bouncing like a basketball. They use the lavatory. They ignore the pointed comments from the flight attendants. The rules don’t apply to them.

The kicker: This is usually a child who is impervious to glares. The kid is kicking the back of your seat until you are ready to dropkick the munchkin down the aisle. The parent is oblivious.

The sneezer: Sneezing, coughing, snerching. This passenger is ceaselessly spreading disease just sitting in his seat. If the plane is hijacked, I swear I’m throwing this one into the arms of the terrorists, so he can damage those who deserve it.

Comments

[Josh]

Okay, this blog reminds me of this story I saw yesterday about a woman suing American because a passenger next to her, um, did something on her. Don't read the comments if you don't want further grossing out, although a couple of the comments that I read made me chuckle.

http://startelegram.typepad.com/sky_talk/2008/03/woman-files-law.html

[JodiL]

I can't believe no one in this group has found and used www.SeatGuru.com. Try it, folks, you'll be glad you did. It lets you compare seats on domestic flights/airlines, international flights/airlines, gives you tips on booking the best seats in the particular plane you are flying, how/where to find noise cancelling head phones. And lots of other worthwhile tips. Check it out. As to those darling kickers, I have an evil eye that stops them dead in their tracks and I'm not afraid to use it. I did want to offer to walk the baby for the stressed out mother of 4 small children including the wailing baby on that 9 hour overnight flight to Europe. But I refrained.

[Elaine Viets]

Josh, I'm still trying to figure out how that guy had room to do that in his seat. Yuck.

[Mary Storyteller]

Jodi, why didn't you offer? She would have probably canonized you on the spot. On one flight back from Europe, twin Romanian babies became mascots for the whole plane. Whenever the parents needed a break, there were plenty of adopted aunts and uncles and cousins, of all nationalities, waiting for a turn to hold them. I "liberated" bottled water from first class when a flight attendant wouldn't bring some for mixing formula. Another family came up with an extra diaper when their supply ran out.

[Pam aka SisterZip]

Just reading a few of the comments on Josh's link makes me realize what great people we have here. There are some very weird wackjobs out there folks!

[JodiL]

Mary, I really should have but the mother didn't appear to speak much English as her older children were doing most of the "official" speaking and they were sound asleep as soon as the plane left the ground. I was afraid I would scare her or add to her stress. FYI, I was in the very last row of a huge plane in the middle section of 4 seats but at least I had the aisle seat. But then I travel as an airline employee and I am just thrilled to get a seat sometimes. I've done my share of middle seats, last row, non reclining seats. Once on a flight back from France, the lady in front of me reclined her seat so she was almost in my lap and she went to sleep. I couldn't get up or move but I was able to count the hairs on her head. It was a loooong 9 hour flight. That was the worst, but again, I got a seat and I got home. So I really shouldn't complain.

[JodiL]

Oh, and Marcia, how ever are you getting to Disneyland without going thru DFW from OK?

[ramona]

Warning: If any fellow passenger does to me what that guy did to that woman in Josh's link, I'm going to beat the crap out of you with my bottle of Purell.

[Karen in Ohio]

I was just about to mention SeatGuru.com, which has saved my bacon many times. It lets you know which seats do and do not recline, which is a godsend for me and my bad back.

Marcia, try to get a bulkhead row for you and your children, which is what my daughter does when she travels with her little one. There is a lot of room in front of the seats for kids to play, and it's quieter there because there is no one in front of you. Usually, the TV monitor is right there, too, so no adult heads or seat backs are in the way for the kids. You can find the right seats with SeatGuru.com, too. Most airlines offer a way to reserve seats online, with diagrams. I usually open a second browser window for SeatGuru.com, and switch back and forth between that and the airlines' site, to determine my optimal seats.

The only drawback of the bulkhead is that there is no seat in front of you to store anything beneath, so you have to be able to put everything in the stow area above. FYI.

[Elaine Viets]

You got it, Pam. Whackjobs is the operative word. I'm always impressed with the quality of the discussions we get on TLC -- and they're funny, besides.
Mary, you and your flightmates should go straight to heaven for helping that poor traveling mom.

[Marcia in OK]

jodil - we can route through Houston, St. Louis, Denver, or DFW depending on the airline. Is one airline any better for kids than another?

Karen - THANK YOU for the tips. I'm off to peruse seatguru.com.

I'm ignoring Josh's link.

[JodiL]

Marcia, I can only speak to my airline (but I won't) but here's what I would recommend. 1st, go for the flight with the least number of connections. 2nd,travel as early in the morning as you can. I usually try for the first flight of the day. The earlier you go the less chance of delays from connecting flights and/or planes. Plus you gain 2 hours and have the entire day to spend at Mickey's place. 3rd, try to fly into either John Wayne airport in Irvine, Orange County which will be the closest to Disneyland. OR to Long Beach or Ontario airports. Long Beach and Ontario are small airports in comparison and have a whole lot less people trying to get on and off airplanes, thus being easier to get thru security lines and retreive baggage. Try to avoid LAX because of the multitude of people that pass thru there. Plus renting a car at LAX is more expensive than any of the others and all the car rental companies allow you to drop off the car at any of the airports without a penalty if you tell them in advance you want to drop off elsewhere. Burbank airport is my favorite airport but my husband says it is the farthest from Disneyland.

[gaylin]

I usually fly Alaska Airlines - when checking in at the gate you can ask to upgrade (for a fee) to first class, if there are any seats available, it is the best way to fly. Or collect their points and upgrade before the flight.

Marcia - remember to go to City Hall at Disneyland and get your free pin that says you are a first time visitor or a princess or pirate!

I am hoping this doesn't jinx me but generally I have had decent seats and good seatmates when flying and yes, I also long for the days when I could sleep on a plane.

Once we did have a kicker kid behind us, not only was he annoying I don't think his parents had ever taken him to a dentist so the miasma coming from his mouth, horrendous. I now bring some peppermint essential oil with me, a dab of that will take care of anyone else's smell without stinking up the whole plane.

[Elaine Viets]

peppermint oil -- now that's resourceful.
The St. Louis airport is a lot smaller and easier to get around since it is no longer a TWA hub. You may want to take it before flying through DFW.

[JodiL]

I've use St. Louis as a connection between DFW and Washington National airport. Lots of good places to eat in that airport.

[Rita Scott]

Last time I flew was in '82, they just x-rayed take on stuff then and my purse was searched because I was carrying city, county and company badges, handcuffs, and a roll of quarters (for hotel vending machines).
I like the idea of slapping the back of the kids seat if Mom doesn't make them stop!
Would having your tray up stop someone from reclining in your lap? (especially if you accidentally spilled your drink on them?)
As for the whackjob, everybody on the plane would have heard my 4 letter words and his screams as I twisted it off!

[Kevin]

I'll never forget one flight where I was seated next to some bible christians. They were redaing and praying and a stewerdes came by and had to ask them a very important question,"My brother is gay and he and his partner have invited me to dinner, what should I do?" I couldn't help myself. I tapped her on the shoulder and said, "Hi, I overheard your question and I'm a Christian and I'm gay!" They smiled at the first part, but then just stared at me after that. I asked her, "Do you love your brother?" She said of course. I said, "well, let that be enough". We talked back and forth a few minutes, then they handed me a tract for my salvation. I've never forgotten that experience 30,000 feet above the earth!

[Becky Hutchison]

Josh, thanks for the suggestion re: Las Vegas. I'm going for one day to meet up with my husband & son on our cross-country vacation, and I don't want to be sitting on a bus for the six hours I'm there.

I also recommend seatguru.com. It tells you what amenities are on the plane, which seats have more leg room, which seats don't recline, etc. It's awesome.

And Kerry -- When my family went to Disney World, we bought each of our kids an autograph book. They really enjoyed trying to find the Disney "stars" to sign the books.

[William]

I read the story associated with the link that was posted.

All we can really say is the guy joined the Mile-High Club.... single-handedly, so to speak....

[Becky Hutchison]

Whoops! It was Karen that I needed to thanks for the Las Vegas tip...so thanks, Karen! :-)

[Karen in Ohio]

One last comment, vis a vis, porn. I have not seen this, but a friend did--someone had a porno movie running on their DVD player while on the plane! That one utterly flabbergasted me. That's even worse than the yoyos who drive around in cars with the porn playing on the DVD player in the back seat, so anyone driving behind them gets an eyeful.

[Shannon]

I once ended up seated in front of an unaccompanied child, who had been given a duck caller, but at least he didn't kick the back of my seat.

[J.D. Rhoades]

Worse than the oblivious parents are the ones who get all pissy and indignant when you ask them to please stop their little angel from kicking the back of your seat, or throwing cheerios over the seat back and into your lap, or, if you have the misfortune to be sitting next to them, leaning over you and playing with the window shade. Up and down, up and down, up and down...

[Michael]

Oh where to start, where to start?

From a historical perspective, the decline in the state of the airline industry really began in 1978 with the Airline Deregulation Act. Personally, I think it was a good idea on paper, but it was doomed to failure because it was set up almost entirely by economics professors with little or no previous industry experience. (Google Alfred Kahn....)

Prior to deregulation, the Civil Aeronautics Board determined what airlines flew what routes, and set fares to allow (GASP!) those airline to make a profit. With no real way to compete against each other based on ticket prices, the airlines used (DOUBLE GASP!) quality of service to compete with one another. Hence the Golden Age of airline travel, with smiling Flight Attendants (err, Air Hostesses....) linen table cloths, real china, decent food, etc. The downside? It was too expensive for the average American to fly regularly, if at all.

Along comes Alfie Kahn, Jimmy Carter et al and the Deregulation Act. Get rid of the CAB (I'm always in favor of a government agency regulating itself out of business) and let the free market determine ticket prices. Competition goes up, prices come down. Sounds good on paper, right?

And it worked. Sort of. Prior to Deregulation, something like 40% of adult Americans had flown on an airline. Today, that number is way into the 90% range. Ol' Alfie will tell you, airline tickets are one of the only consumer items that have actually gotten cheaper over the past 30 years when corrected for inflation. And they've gotten a LOT cheaper. And that's due to an over capacity in the industry, which is a direct result of Deregulation. Except, it's not REALLY a deregulated industry.

Right now, anyone can start an airline, even foreigners if they can find some Americans to pretend to control 51% of the company. Sir Richard wants into the US airline market? Why look, it's an American company, controlled by Americans, nod nod, wink wink. Just wait til a certain candidate gets elected and allows cabotage. One of them is a big supporter of cabotage and what we call the Eighth Freedom, which allows foreign airlines to compete in domestic markets. So in a few years, you'll be able to buy a ticket on Air Botswana from Omaha to Orlando. "Oh look Honey, $12 fares to see Mickey Mouse....." "Let's wait a few days, I hear Air Somalia is going have a big fare sale next week....."

Whether cheap prices are more important than protecting American jobs is a whole other blog topic, but the point is, it's just the latest manifestation of what I call the Wal-Marting of the airline industry. And that really began with the Deregulation Act. Except, it's only SORT of deregulated. If it were really deregulated, USAir and United wouldn't exist right now. Probably no one except Southwest and American would, and maybe a few niche players like Alaska and Frontier.

Had free market forces been allowed to run their natural course, the weak players would have ben weeded out over the past 30 years, and especially post 9-11. Airline Darwinism if you will. But that didn't happen. Instead, they were allowed to use a combination of government backed loans and the bankruptcy process to stay alive, in a sort of government approved purgatory. Don't pay your bills, rape your employees and their pensions, and continue to sell your product at a loss, forcing your healthy competitors to suffer or lose market share.

Hey, it keeps those ticket prices low, right? In the long run it's the worst thing for the industry and the consumer. It leads to ARTIFICIALLY low fares, and a drop in service to the point of consumer frustration. Which brings us to today's blog.

So now, anyone can fly, frequently for less than it costs to drive. Airlines have become public transportation. If you want to get somewhere cheaply and safely, that's a good thing. If you want that limo service, it's a bad thing. And as some posters have already noted, there's a trend beginning where some consumers are wiling to pay more for a nicer product. Some services are making a comeback in the airlines, usually for a premium fare, but where you can really see this, is in the explosive growth of fractional private jet ownership companies.

Wondering where all those well dressed First Class passengers went? They're riding around on http://www.flexjet.com/ or http://www.citationshares.com/ bypassing the TSA, fat, snoring, seat kicking airline experience entirely. It's another basic economic law, and a problem for the airlines; the premium fare elite consumers have been so put off by the "Wal-Marting" process, they've found another option. To paraphrase Ferris Bueller; "It's so choice. If you have the means, I highly recommend giving it a try."

For the rest of us, the reality is, it's never, ever going to go back to the way it was. Service will never get back to where it was. When most airlines have break even load factors in the mid to high 80% range, you can forget having a row all to yourself. Something to think about: The business models most of the airlines used when reorganizing under CH11 had oil at $55 to $60 a barrel. Guess what's going to happen in the next year or 2.

As far as the fat passenger thing, at my airline, they're referred to as Passengers of Size, or POS's (insert your own joke here....) The rule is, if you can't fit in the seat with both arm rests down, you officially are occupying the seat next to you. If the flight has empty seats, you're welcome to occupy as many of them as you need, but if it's full, you need to buy the rest of you another ticket. Personally, I can see both sides of the issue, but our seats haven't changed in size since we began operations in the early 1970's. I can't speak for other airlines's seats, but I DO know that the FAA has recognized that Americans are getting bigger. The official "FAA Standard Adult" used to be 170lbs. It was raised to 180, then 185, at my airline, we use 190 now. That kind of weight increase adds up when you multiply it by the number of passengers onboard. On my airplane, it's the equivalent of carrying an extra 30 minutes worth of fuel. Or a Honda Civic in the cargo hold. Which of course, is less freight revenue for the airline to use to offset rising fuel costs, etc.

The projections are for passenger levels to grow at an average of 5 to 7% per year, with no new major airports planned to accommodate the growth. So the bottom line is seats aren't going to get any bigger, service isn't going to get any better and lines aren't going to get any shorter, unless consumers are willing to pay for it. Which, for the most part, they aren't.

So all you rich folks can call FlexJet and reserve your Lear. The rest of us will wind up on Air Bangladesh. Of course, once they start flying in this country, my airline will probably only have 5 years or so before we liquidate. Maybe that'll give me time to go to law school.

Then I can sue Alfred Kahn............

[Josh]

Michael! I knew we could count on you.