Strangers on a Plane

By Elaine Viets

You’re trapped in a metal tube with more than a hundred frightened people, hurtling across the sky at five hundred miles an hour. Welcome to modern plane travel. No matter how many people are on your flight, most of them can be divided into the following groups.

The octopus: I met my first octopus on a crowded four-hour flight. The poor fellow was crammed in a middle seat. I had the aisle. The octopus was a young man in satin gangsta clothes who fell asleep right after the plane took off. Soon he was sleeping with his head on my shoulder. Then he had his arms wrapped around me. The guy was about six feet tall and weighed two-twenty. I was drowning in a satin avalanche.

I gingerly woke him.

"Sorry, miss," he said.

I instantly forgave him his trespasses.

The guy sat up straight for about ten minutes, then fell asleep again. How did he manage to sleep on a plane? His head slipped to my shoulder. Soon he was sprawled everywhere, like satin kudzu. Again, I woke him up. Again, he apologized. The third time, I put the chair arm down between us and said, "Here. Lean on this." It worked until we landed.

The talker: This person is usually a nervous flyer. It doesn’t matter if you have a book and pointedly stare at it. The talker is compelled to tell you about her children, her husband, her job, her dog and her church projects. There is no escape. It’s like being locked in the world’s longest Christmas letter.

The pickup artist: The guy next to you offers to buy you a drink. You decline, but he doesn’t take that as a no. He wants to talk about his wife, his ex-wife – and you. "What do you do?" he’ll say, about half an hour into the monologue.

"I’m a writer."

"Interesting," he says, in a tone that says he couldn’t be less interested, and then he’s back to his pickup attempt. There is no escape. You are stuck in a singles bar at 30,000 feet. There’s only one way to get rid of this guy – put the fear of the Lord into him. That’s when I ask, "Do you accept Jesus as your personal savior?"

Only once has this tactic failed me. As punishment for my sins, I had to listen to a long religious lecture.

The defiant ones: The captain has announced that the plane is in its final descent, or about to take off, or it’s hit rough weather and all passengers are instructed to return to their seats and fasten their belts.

The defiant ones wander about the cabin as if they are at a cocktail party. They open the overhead bins when the plane is bouncing like a basketball. They use the lavatory. They ignore the pointed comments from the flight attendants. The rules don’t apply to them.

The kicker: This is usually a child who is impervious to glares. The kid is kicking the back of your seat until you are ready to dropkick the munchkin down the aisle. The parent is oblivious.

The sneezer: Sneezing, coughing, snerching. This passenger is ceaselessly spreading disease just sitting in his seat. If the plane is hijacked, I swear I’m throwing this one into the arms of the terrorists, so he can damage those who deserve it.

Comments

[ArkansasCyndi]

Remember when flying was FUN? The planes were not full...no one sat in the middle seat and if you were really lucky, no one sat on your row and you had all three seats to yourself?

I ALWAYS have a book to stem the conversation tide. I've never had anyone fall asleep on my shoulder (and the thought sort of grosses me out). The kicker? Oh yeah...mommy is the one who needed a talking to there.

What do you think about airlines who want to charge overweight or large customers for more than one seat?

[Peg H]

The last time I flew I was returning from a wedding and had innocently placed a candle favor in a sealed box in my suitcase. Guess who's luggage was searched.

That little munchkin sat behind me and kicked my seat for an hour straight.

Another time I swear I caught the flu while in flight. It was a very long flight involving several plane changes. Upon landing and crawling into the car my temperature began to climb, and climb, it hit 104 by the time I arrived at home twenty minutes later.

I've met the octopus and the nonstop talker. Then there's the screaming baby whose mother doesn't realize that if she gives the kid a bottle to suck on the pressure and pain in the poor child's ears will stop along with the gazillion decibel level of screams. (Sigh) I used to enjoy flying before they began to overbook the flights.

Peg H

[William Simon]

Funny blog, Elaine, but you left out the Master/Mistress of the Universe. This is the one who claims all luggage bins as his (or hers), snaps their fingers at the flight attendants for immediate service, sighs heavily at the indignity of eating "airline food", and makes certain anyone within earshot knows how Important and Valuable they are.

They amuse me...:)

[Susan]

Flying in coach is the ultimate class equalizer. After being herded like cattle through security where it is clear that TSA considers all of us terrorists until proven otherwise, it's small wonder that individual personalities are played out in a big way once we hit the plane. And given the teeny tiny piece of real estate to which our ticket entities us, it is truly amazing that passengers don't kill each other on a regular basis. As seat space becomes smaller and smaller, our quirks which seem bearable on land, become almost intolerable in the air. The space we're given just can't contain normal human behavior. There's nowhere to run. Nowhere to hide. So we suffer and pay for the privilege.

I have to say, I like flying on Southwest because, with a little advance planning, I can get the 6 year old a bulkhead seat which means I don't have to spend the entire flight reminding him to STOP KICKING the seat in front of him.

[Harley]

Guilty. I am the one who instantly falls asleep. As soon as I have fastened my seatbelt, I am out cold. That's why I need a window, so as not to turn into The Octopus. It's some Pavlovian thing. I cannot NOT sleep on an airplane.

Unless I have the kids with me. Then it's another story altogether. And Peg H., alas, it's not easy to bring that baby's bottle on board anymore and even if you have a bottle, there are some babies who are simply allergic to flying. One of my 3 was like that. The other two? No problem. But my baby girl would screech! On a flight to Hawaii, on the tip of a sympathetic mom, I hid with her in one of the several bathrooms and locked the door and remained there the entire flight. It didn't stop the screaming but no one attacked us mid-air. We didn't fly again for two full years.

[Sue]

Elaine, you forgot the endless flight in your litany....and it's the one that made me vow to never fly again. After a lovely, wonderful, fabulous week at Amelia Island Plantation, we left Jacksonville just before noon, to fly to Dallas, change planes and then fly to KC, arriving around 6 that evening. It wasn't long before we noticed the plane was circling, or as the pilot eventually explained "doing lazy eights over the Mississippi." DFW was having storms.

We kept circling. And circling. We circled for so long, the pilot then told us he was trying to get us permission to fly to another airport because we were now low on fuel. We ended up in Houston, where we sat on the tarmac for a very long time until they had a gate for us. Once there, however, they wouldn't open the doors and let anyone off because the flight crew had passed their time limit, and opening the doors would mean the entire plane was grounded and they didn't have another crew. So we fueled up and were sent to the far end of the tarmac to wait, because DFW was still closed.

Several hours later, we were placed in line to fly. The passengers literally cheered when we took off. Of course we we had been without crackers and water for a very long time...it was well after dark, and there were a number of very understandably cranky children, as well as a few buttwipe adults on board.

When we finally touched down in Dallas, they were so backed up, we were placed in line on a tarmac that the pilot said was so far away from the terminal we were actually in a different county. Needless to say, it was well over an hour before we actually got a terminal and got off the plane. Then it was time to run from counter to counter, trying to find four standby tickets to Kansas City on the same plane.

We landed in KC at 3am.

I haven't flown since, and I never will. If I can't drive there, it's just not meant for me to see.

[Sue]

And it was four days before they found our luggage.

[Becky Hutchison]

I've flown very few times, but so far I've had excellent seatmates...either quiet ones or no one. The last flight I took I thought was going to be terrible. I was on the last row, so I couldn't put my seat back, I was in the middle and my little pack could barely fit under the seat in front of me. I had small armrests which the two people on either side were using. The man against the window to my right was so close I could read his paperwork. Luckily it was mostly numbers and as far as I know didn't contain any national secrets. The twenty-something to my left read a book the whole flight. However when it came time for refreshments, my neighbors perked up, and we exchanged pleasantries and a couple of funny moments. We three were obviously different in many ways, but we all were nice to each other in a crowded situation. As it turned out, it was one of my best flights. (Well, except for the one where I could sit wherever I wanted because so few people were on board...or... the one where I was moved up to first class because there weren't enough seats for people paying coach...)

[michele]

I fly a lot, and I try to go JetBlue or Southwest if possible. They really are more comfortable. I went to Florida and back on JetBlue for the Southwest Florida Reading festival in a 36-hour period last weekend. I was landing at the same time as the tornado in Atlanta and there was a lot of weather in Florida, too. We had terrible terrible turbulence. People were gasping, it was so bad. The tv's in the back of the seats really helped take my mind off it.

I have rarely had problems with other passengers. Most people seem to have a "We're all in this together" attitude these days. The nastiest people I've run across in recent times have been overworked flight attendants who belong in another profession, or at least on meds.

As to the issue of larger people flying, at least on the airlines with the truly poor seat capacity, the seats are simply not adequate. I was on a flight not too long ago where the person next to me could not fit in his seat. He raised the armrest and was taking up a meaningful part of my seat. There was nothing to be done -- the flight was full, neither of us could change seats. This was not his fault. The seat was ridiculously small, and plenty of Americans wouldn't fit in it. It wasn't fair to either of us that we had to fly squeezed in with physical contact the whole way.

[Becky Hutchison]

**HIJACK**

Apparently Eliot Spitzer's successor, the new Gov Paterson, admitted to having an affair in Manhattan that lasted three years. One line I like from the article (because it also referred to McGreevey): "What aphrodisiacs are these folks taking?"

Check it out:

http://www.independent.co.uk/news/world/americas/spitzer-successor-had-affair-in-manhattan-hotel-797806.html

On another interesting front (at least to me) Heather Mills seemed to be very, very happy with her award...so much so that she threw water on Sir Paul's female solicitor...

http://business.timesonline.co.uk/tol/business/law/article3572346.ece

[Becky Hutchison]

...one more thing...

Has anyone taken a city bus from the Las Vegas airport to one of the hotels on the Strip? If so, how long did it take? I understand there is a transfer involved.

Thanks!

[Kathy Reschini Sweeney]

I like the snorers. They don't just fall asleep, they snore - and not in a breathe in-breathe out way. In a way that reminds one of a malfunctioning chainsaw.

My other favorite are the people on their way to or from some business meeting who didn't get to sit next to eachother, so they yell across three or four rows for the entire flight about who was drunk, and who is getting fired and who slept with which boss, etc. Once, when our kids were little, it got so bad that I went over and whispered to one of them that my next-door neighbor was on their Board of Directors and that I'd been taking notes. Bingo.

Also - as a fat person - let me tell you - the seats are getting smaller. No kidding. I've weighed about the same for the last ten years, and there is a difference. Tall friends tell me the same is true of the leg room.

I remember Michael's post about the current state of the industry and how people expect limo service for bus prices. I, for one, don't need a limo, but I'd sure as hell be happy to pay more for, perhaps, a nice town car.

[Josh]

We should get Michael's opinion on the current state of the industry. That's always fun.

[Karen in Ohio]

One of my pet peeves--after plane traveling for business for the last 35 years. It has changed. People used to dress up nicely for even short flights; now they're in all sorts of ridiculous outfits, some barely presentable for staying home, let alone traveling. And body odor! A seatmate on one long flight took off her shoes and I nearly gagged to death. A guy across the aisle from us on our (very long, 13-hour) flight to Australia had clearly not bathed for at least a week. And try sleeping on that length of flight--with other passengers wandering around, talking, singing (no lie), etc. Even with sleep meds, I had a very hard time relaxing.

Now the airlines don't feed you, unless you ante up for it. This is okay, since the choices are actually better than the free crap they used to serve, but I prefer to bring my own food onto the plane (and most airports now have pretty good selections of food to buy before boarding). On a recent five-hour flight from Seattle, my seatmate was moving here, and a bit weepy. She and I and the other young woman in our row decided to have cocktails, and we chatted nearly the entire way. It was one of the most enjoyable flights I've had in a long time.

Even with gas as high as it is, I prefer to drive, even if the trip is a long one, and even if I'm by myself. It's almost not faster to fly, by the time you get to the airport an hour or two ahead of time, etc.

By the way, the way to get from the airport to the hotels in Vegas is to take a cab. Do not take a limo--they rent by the hour, and it takes a mere 10 minutes to get to the Strip from the airport. The difference in cost is steep. It costs about $75-80 for the limo and less than $15 for a cab. If you have luggage, a cab is much more sensible than a bus.

[Maryann Mercer]

All of the above explains why, when prompted by the self-serve checkin computer to upgrade, I swipe my credit card with elan. It's not the food, although American has the greatest warm cashews and hot towels, it's the room. Seat room, leg room, and a lavatory you don't need to stand in line to use. I don't even mind if it's a window seat. The person next to me can sleep, read, play on his PC and generally not talk to me. It's probably the snob factor, since I tend to travel in jeans and Rykas, but I don't care. :o)
That said, American has always been my airline of choice, and their leg room in coach is pretty good as well. I agree with Kathy though. Those seats are getting smaller. I book far enough ahead to get an aisle seat. And if a kid sits behind me, I have no problem asking the parent to trade places with him if the little urchin kicks.
Oh yeah, and if you travel with an iPod, you can plug in and pretend NOT to hear the talkative guy in the next seat.

[Elaine Viets]

Ah, leg room. I remember leg room. When I fly Continental I wind up with bruised knees, so they may indeed be shoving the seats closer together. I'm with Michele. If I can fly JetBlue, I do. Lovely airline.

[ramona]

I've never really had any airline horror stories, but I don't fly that often. Since my last trip last fall, however, I've developed some germ paranoia. Now I'm worried I will hyperventilate if the inspectors take away my bottle of Purell. If that happens, are you allowed to travel wearing Latex gloves and a medical mask? Anyone tried it? Could I say I'm writing a script for "Monk" and it's research-related?

[Karen in Ohio]

The room! Oh, yes. I used to travel with a friend who is 6'2", all of it in her legs. She was usually incredibly uncomfortable, and we often wondered how the airlines expected anyone but a Munchkin to fit into their ever-diminishing seat spaces. (The airlines have added rows, in order to accommodate more passengers.) We finally figured out the exit row strategy, but honestly, that is also not necessarily a solution because many of the seats in the exit rows don't recline. On a long flight, it's uncomfortable to sit so erect for the entire time. She's a large woman, too, and often was squashed into the seat sideways, as well.

The good thing about traveling with a friend or spouse is that you can usually choose to talk or not. However, when I flew to Europe with my mother I purposely got us seats in different parts of the plane, so she could chew someone else's ear off. I figured we would be together, 24/7, for the next eight days. That one impulse went a long way towards getting us through the trip!

[Karen in Ohio]

Ramona, just use a small bottle. As long as it fits into the quart-sized Ziplock bag, you're allowed to have it on the plane.

[ramona]

Whew. Thanks, Karen. I was starting to hyperventilate just thinking about it being Purell-less.

Of course, I could always go to therapy instead.

[Debby]

See? This is just one of the reasons that I am no longer a travel agent. I hated the travel portion. :)

I think that one of my worst experiences flying was probably coming home from Hawaii with my mom and stepdad. Our flight was overnight, so we planned on sleeping most of the way. It sure was a shame that the one lady felt that it was time for her to do laps around and around...and as we were at a bulkhead, she was bitching at us about the lack of walking space. That is, until she tripped and knocked herself silly.

I used to be a window sitter, as well, until the one time getting in to my seat to go on vacation....I tore my ACL and passed out. I got a lot of free drinks on those flights!!

Re: the Kicker. I have asked the parents to attend to their child before I step in for them. When that didn't work, and with the attendants permission, I stood behind them smacking their seats until they got the point. I wasn't in the mood, obviously. LOL!

[Mary Storyteller]

I only remember two flights ever with disagreeable fellow passengers. One was a 20 minute flight that felt like a lifetime, sitting next to an opinionated man so awful that another passenger caught up to me to tell me that from what he heard I must be an excellent teacher (thank goodness for such kindness). The other was a group of roofers who boarded at the last minute, celebrating with way too much alcohol the completion of a job. When the flight attandant refused to serve them any more, one became very beligerent. When I stuck up for her, he decided to stop trying to hit on me (if I'd only known that secret sooner). I enjoy children on flights and find them usually most entertaining, but then I'm a storyteller.
The seating issue is the real problem for me. There has to be a limit, but apparently there isn't. The United flight back from Hawaii last August was so tight that I also find myself avoiding even the thought of flying. To stand up, I had to crawl up the back of the (reclined) seat in front of me. The woman behind me (a bit larger) absolutely could NOT stand up unless I moved my seat upright. My niece kept wishing for "the coccoon" from a Queen Latifa movie (_Last Holiday_?)

[Marcia in OK]

OK - Now I'm worried.

I'm booking a Disneyland trip for me and my two girls (7 & 10) We'll be flying. (I don't have the time to spend 2 days driving out and back to Anaheim plus stay for a few days.)

Any words of wisdom for traveling on a plane with elementary age children?

No kicking sits - check
keep shoes on - check
handheld games with volume OFF - check
Avoid DFW airport - check

What else? I've only got 2 months to prep for this and be ready.

[Kerry]

I've been lucky enough not to have many airline horror stories lately*; I've mostly experienced the "we're all in it together" syndrome. Including a very cooperative 3-way seat-swap to accomodate a nice FEMA lady with her search-and-rescue dog (the most gorgeous German shepherd I've ever seen). I do seem to find that folks are generally friendlier on the small regional flights than otherwise, for what that's worth.

Seats are definitely getting smaller; I won't fly if I can't get an aisle seat (I actually have a physician's note!). On one flight, I felt so bad for the poor guy stuck in the middle seat. Not fat at all. Just your average 6'+, broad-shouldered, fit male person. I spent most of that flight with my shoulders in the aisle.

Maryann and Elaine, about those iPods -- I'm adding a new category of annoyances: the folks who don't realize that those little earbuds do precious little to prevent sound (in a lovely, tinny transformation) from reaching up to two rows in all directions, depending on volume. On my last flight, I got to listen to hip-hop for 3 hours. Turn it down, turn it off, or get real headphones, please!!

*Last summer, I wound up on one of those "we have to land somewhere else to refuel while the thunderstorm leaves our target airport." The thing that really sucked was that the airport where we landed was the final destination of about 6 people on the flight -- none of whom were allowed to deplane . . .

[Kerry]

Marcia, my Mom had a couple of tricks that might work for you, too. She always kept some small amusements (coloring books, etc.) in reserve to dole out as surprises when the games, books, etc. we brought with us began to pale. Also, a variety of small snacks that can be similarly doled out periodically -- pick some of their favorites that they don't get very often and, if you follow my Mom's generally sneaky approach, provide the first one with a warm "This is a special treat because you're being so wonderful." Worked like a charm on us, even during 14-hour car trips!