My Real Non-Fiction Memoirs

By Me, Margie

I have decided that if other people can make shitloads of money by making up stuff and calling it Non-Fiction, then so can I. So here is my synopsis. Publishers can contact me with their best bids. I do not have time to haggle, people. The advance money is important, but I will also take into consideration other crap, like whether I will be going on an international tour (first class) and whether I will be on The Daily Show. Naturally, I will have veto power over all decisions, including who plays Me, Margie, in the movie. No bimbos need send head shots. Just sayin'.

This is the really and totally true story of my life. I am the love child of Elvis (still alive, natch) and Marilyn Monroe, who is dead now, but at the time of my conception, was being held in a secret room in the White House. If you want to know who is in that room now, you'll have to buy the book.

I spent my early years on a Native American Reservation and Casino in Punxsutawney, PA. In fact, as a baby, I was the one who popped out and saw my shadow. I later passed the tradition on to one of my animal brothers, Phil the groundhog.

After I jumped on a circus train, I ended up in California, where I headed a gang of homeless street kids. We made our living selling Canadian drugs to rich people on the corners of Beverly Hills. In the process of protecting my comrades, I killed many people with nothing but my bare hands and some Q-tips that fell off the back of a Walgreens truck.

I got caught and ended up in Alcatraz. I endured many dangerous and thrilling episodes, which I won't tell you about until you pay. Then I escaped. Why do you think they closed the joint?

Next, I smuggled myself to Europe, where I was a femme fatale in the French Resistance for a brief time. Why brief? They don't shave under their arms over there. That is just plain gross. So I went to Russia, where I headed a team of 300 Black Ops off-the-books agents. Our greatest success occurred in Berlin. You think Reagan brought down that wall? Honey, that TV shot was the only piece left by the time he got there. Seriously.

During that time, I won 14 Olympic Gold Medals - don't bother looking - they are all under an alias, and I never even used crack OR steroids. The Russian jocks made fun of me, but I didn't care. I like my breasts the way they are, thank you very much.

I’ll never forget the day, just outside a squalid software operation in the picturesque suburbs of Bhopal, when Mother Theresa predicted, loudly enough for all to hear, that Crocs would be a big hit. That’s the way she was. When she felt strongly about something, Mother T just came out with it. I always admired her for that.

Then there was the time in the short-term lot at the airport in Jakarta. There we were, in Daniel Day Lewis’ Taurus wagon, smoking the last bit of his son’s Thai stick, saying goodbye again, like before, only different and smelling like Pinesoll. At the end of the day, I concluded then and there, Mike Bloomberg, in my estimation, is not “presidential timber”. Just saying.

I survived Oceanic Flight 815 - and no, I can't tell you who is in the coffin. You will have to buy my book. It's not me, but I killed the vic. Oh yeah - it's the Oceanic 7.5, not the Oceanic Six. I count for more than one person, y'know.

Sure Garbo and I were lovers. But, that’s Munich for you. It was not to be.

"Try using the word 'hammer' instead of 'handgun'" I said to Pete Seeger, and, what do you know, it flowed from there.

Oh - and the one-armed man? He lost that arm when he tried to cheat me in a high stakes poker game.

Okay - now I need your help. Everyone who contributes will get a piece of the action. What am I missing that will make this book just fly off the shelves and make all of us totally famous and filthy rich?

Comments

[mary alice at mystery lovers bookshop]

Me, Margie. How could you forget the fun rides in Roswell, New Mexico? Is it true you were Jimmy Hoffa's last date? Rock on!

[SarahS]

Margie, how could you have forgotten that episode where you saved Mick Jagger from getting bumped off by the Hell's Angels after Altamont? C'mon, girl. Take some Ginko.

[William Simon]

Holy Mary, Mother of God....

I remember an awards show when Pierce Brosnan was doing "Remington Steele" and he acknowledged a mysterious woman who taught him how to dress, how to walk, how to comb his hair, got him an agent, etc. All these years, he never would say her name aloud, but now we all know....

[Josh]

How about the part where you changed your ethnicity and had to have part of your body shortened? That was in a Steve Martin routine, and maybe even was in "The Jerk," which I saw on the ONLY DAY that I cut school in high school.

[Nancy Martin]

Margie, I thought you told me that you, Margie, begged the Unabomber to give himself up?

Except you're not at your desk, so you're probably not reading this email. That wasn't Johnny Depp who stopped in the office last night, was it?

[michele]

Hi, Margie -- I've been assigned to hold your hand through an annoying little process we like to call fact-checking. If any of the questions below seem annoying or intrusive, feel free to ignore them. What matters is that your memoir "feel" true to you.

1. Are you sure Marilyn was your mom and not Anna Nicole? Anna Nicole books are doing really well these days, and the two of them look pretty alike, especially to a newborn. If the dates seem a little off to you, is it possible time travel was involved? Just food for thought.

2. Are you sure Mother Teresa said "crocs"? I'm attaching a list of products looking for placement opportunities. A little secondary income stream is always nice and remember, Mother T had a heavy accent. Could you have been mistaken?

3. My sources in the DEA tell me there are no Canadian drugs in California. Did you mean "Colombian"? And if not, would you mind if we change this anyway, to "add texture"?

No hurry. If you don't get to these before publication, we can always issue a retraction.

[Judy Larsen]

Didn't you mention to John and Paul that they meet with the Maharishi? Thought so.

And weren't you the one who discovered the magic of getting chocolate in my peanut butter? Or was peanut butter in my chocolate?

Don't forget to mention how you secretly house friends from the hood who are trying to break free from the gang life.

And all that surgery you had without anesthesia.

[Me, Margie]

Hi. It's Me, Margie - I only have a minute, because the ship-to-shore connections are spotty at best.

I could tell you what I'm doing in the Med, but then I'd have to, you know, use that thing I invented for "Men in Black". Impossible to do online. As of today.

So - great suggestions! Michele - you are totally right about M.T. and the Crocs. Could have been Cole Haan Nike Air pumps. Or something else.

Gotta run - Cap'n Jack says we're heading into hostile waters. And he says pay no attention if you see us on the international news tonight. I'll check in later, if we're not on radio silence, or, you know, something like that.

[peach]

How could you forget about being the only person to know where Jimmy Hoffa is buried. Surely this knowledge alone would put this book at the top of the NYT list.

[Maryann Mercer]

How could you forget that clandestine laboratory high in the Swiss Alps where you formulated the Ponce de Leon truffle? Dark chocolate, almonds, Cointreau and...damn, what was that secret ingredient?
Or that fantastic bike trip around Europe with Steve McQueen...remember those German castles? And those cute Bavarians in their "liederhosen"?

[Sue]

Don't forget that you are the only person who knows what Bill Clinton knew and when he knew it.

[Harley]

What I respect is how long you kept to yourself the secret of who killed JonBenet Ramsey, even though the tabloids were offering big bucks, which you could've used.

Here's the deal: Johnny (Depp) has expressed interest in playing you. After all that press that Cate got for playing Dylan, he thinks it'll be a scream, esp. as he still has the wig from Willy Wonka. But his agent thinks it will be too much for Johnny's fans to see him as a girl for 2 hours, so is it possible you were male up until about a year ago?

[William Simon]

A news report just came on THE TODAY SHOW. In the Netherlands, authorities recently traced and arrested what is probably the largest ring of child pornographers in history. The problem is, those arrested are mysteriously turning up dead, having been smothered in half-cooked Ramen Noodles, the empty packages arranged around their dead bodies to make the letters "M,M".

SO... I have to ask, just WHERE is Margie today?

[Nancy Martin]

UPS just called. They want a signed statement that you won't mention their company anywhere in your memoirs.

[Pam aka SisterZip]

Uh, You, Margie? I still have that envelope marked "Top Secret KFC Recipe" that you asked me to hold for you until just the right time.

Is that now?

[Michael]

I hear in his upcoming, tell all memoirs, Neil Armstrong admits that his famous line was actually a pre recorded fake transmitted for the benefit of the viewing public.

The REAL transmission was actually; "It's one small step for Me, Margie......."

[Kerry]

Margie, I have just three words for you.

Summer of Love.

Need I say more?

[Harley]

And 3 more words: Tour de France.

[Harley]

Don't forget all the behind-the-scenes work. We all know now who wrote the famous "Checkers" speech. And "I had a dream" . . . You picked up a lot back in your days of apprenticeship with Winston Churchill.

[Pam aka SisterZip]

For over a year now I have been hounding WoodStein that Mark Felt wasn't really Deep Throat. It was just a coverup to protect Margie's identity. But they just wouldn't believe me.

[ArkansasCyndi]

Pam - Margie gave you the KFC recipe to hold? She gave me the Coca Cola recipe. I guess she was hoping we'd never meet and put it together.

And Margie, don't you tell me that you were the power behind Apple and you let Steve Jobs take the credit because you didn't want all that publicity?

I know that I, for one, am anxious for you to finish your research on powering automobiles using saltwater.

[Becky Hutchison]

You, Margie...weren't you the one that was really flying Amelia Earhart's plane & had to keep your position a secret so you could have a longggg vacation with your mysterious Latin lover?

And aren't you the brains behind the whole Disney empire...seducing Walt & making him show his love for you by modeling the Disneyland & Disney World castles after your own in Europe?

And didn't I recognize you as the girl kissing that sailor guy in the famous end-of-WWII pix?

I thought so....

[Becky Hutchison]

...and you did a great job training your brother, Phil the Groundhog. BTW, is there a family resemblance?

[Kerry]

Oh, wow -- I just realized who the original Rosebud must have been . . .

[Marcia in OK]

Don't forget the chapter on your secret love child with you-know-who. . .and all the deets on that relationship through the years.