It all started with a back ache . . .

by Nancy                        

A few weeks ago, I realized that the back ache that I first noticed on an airplane in November was still hanging around in March. The pain wasn't excruciating, but it wasn't going away either. And since my mother has endured some of the most appallingly barbaric back surgeries imaginable--I mean, a machete might have been kinder--I figured I should do something now before I end up looking like a witch in a Disney movie. (Which my mother does not, by the way, because she's done an hour of yoga every morning for twenty years. She'll be eighty next year.)

                                    

In the interest of dodging the bad back bullet, I brought up the subject with my regular doctor. And if you're over fifty, you know what happened next.

Tests. My doctor sent me to six different places to take tests, have x-rays, get prodded and hmm-ed over.  I walked on a hosptial treadmill, lifted weights with my ankles, and wore hospital gowns in very public spaces. Results? Well, my cholorestrol is fine, my bone density is above average and I'm not pregnant.

My back, on the other hand, needed work.

At last, I washed up at the office of a physical therapist who only lacks the German accent and a dental drill to make her the perfect villain in a thriller.  The fraulein can't cure what ails me  (disk disease--erk!) but she can "make me more comfortable" through exercise.

I'm pretty sure if the writing gig doesn't work out that I could become a doctor.  No kidding. Here's what every single ailment comes down to:  No matter what your health problem is, ladies and gentlemen, you'll always be told to get more exercise.

At our first meeting, the therapist tried to cheer me up. She said, "When you're young, you must exercise to stay in shape. After a certain--well, later in life, you must stay in shape to exercise."

I wanted to punch her.  Except I have tendonitis in my right wrist.

Now I dutifully go to therapy twice a week with the AARP set. (And 80% of them are women.  Men do not have time for physical therapy, I guess, unless it's golf season, in which case I'm told the number of male patients hoping to get back on the golf course jumps exponentially. My husband has been putting off his shoulder physical therapy since before Christmas and only lately has realized golf season is nearly upon us.) 

At the beginning of every session I first spend ten minutes flat out on a heating pad. Which feels good, but I find myself ticking off how many dollars a minute that heating pad-enduced hot flash costs when I could instead turn on the hot seat in my car on the drive over.

But after I fume for those ten minutes, the really bad stuff starts. The therapist fits me with the electrodes. Yes, I said ELECTRODES--these long plastic sticky things that run from my knees to my hipbones.  When she flips on the Frankenstein machine, my legs twitch and feel as if a nest of ants has been turned loose on my lower body.

(No, Margie, we will not discuss what it might feel like if the electrodes were elsewhere.  But it has crossed my mind. Does anybody else remember Jane Fonda in Barbarella?)

Next comes the deep massage. And when I say "deep," I mean give-me-something-to-bite-on-Scarlett or Ashley's-going-to-hear-me-all-the-way-in-Gettysburg.

One criteria for a good physical therapist must be strong thumbs. How does she keep those thumbs so strong? Man, I'm yelping like a kicked puppy by the time she's finished. (And I delivered an 11-pound baby WITHOUT ANESTHESIA.) The deep tissue massage is much, much more painful than the back ache.

After the massage comes exercise, which I must do in the small gym with all the AARP people laughing and jumping around like they're in 3rd grade phys ed class.--They're having a ball.  I expect a game of Red Rover to break out any minute.  (Remember Red Rover?  I hear it's outlawed now because kids might break their fingernails or something.)  They make plans to go out for lunch and go shopping after therapy.  Me, I'm practically weeping with the excruciating need for a nap.

Finally the therapist sends me limping home with a sheet of paper with diagrams for more exercises pictured with a man who's smiling so happily that I want to kick him, except I've sprained my calf muscle or something.

Anyway, physical therapy makes me ache all over, but I'm told that's a short term thing. And truthfully? It's helping.  A lot. 

But the ultimate irony? There's a bakery across the street from the gym.  It takes every ounce of self control not to hobble over there and scarf up a dozen scones. But the only other advice a doctor will give you after the exercise thing is to watch your diet, and I'm pretty sure scones aren't on it. So I resist.

Fortunately--maybe---I get a week off from physical therapy.  I'm on the road again to plug MURDER MELTS IN YOUR MOUTH.  I'll be back in the gym for more torture next week.  Say a prayer for me, will you?

Meanwhile, get more exercise. 

Comments

[Karen in Ohio]

By the way, if those electrodes are causing you pain, you should definitely ask the therapist to dial it back for you. It's not supposed to be painful, just slightly prickly. It does more harm than good if your muscles tense up to avoid the pain, I've been told.

[Mary Storyteller]

I can recommend the massage place in the Denver airport, or at least the sweet man who helped me -- I'm not sure I would have made it all the way home without him. It's hard to fly when it hurts to sit.
I try to avoid pain meds on general principles, but for that hip injury I took Naproxen until it began to hurt my stomach (and muscle relaxer for few days until Scott's magic calmed the angry hip).

[Becky Hutchison]

The bone density test showed I had some osteoarthritis in my lower back. I broke a bone in my sacrum when I was 19 and didn't find out until nine years later. (I just knew my butt hurt sitting on hard chairs in classes and on long trips.) The pain has been with me on and off since then but is calmed with super duper Extra Strength Motrin.

William, I like your approach of getting up & moving around every hour. I try to do that too so my back and legs don't hurt. But when I try to get on an exercise regiment, I hurt something else. It's like one step forward & two steps back. I am starting a stretching routine like I used to do for ballet as a kid. Hopefully that will do a lot to help.

However, the one exercise I've found that is fun and doesn't hurt is tap dancing in my kitchen (in my regular shoes)...when I cook dinner, or when I'm fixing my dog's food, or when I'm just harassing my husband. Every little bit helps!

And BTW, Nancy, about that Red Rover thing...when I was in the third grade a girl in my class had her arm broken when a big boy ran between her & her link partner...definitely "breaking" the chain. (I couldn't resist..)

[janetlynn13]

I've never been to a PT, but my chiropractor, message therapist and yoga instructors are awesome. All have helped with my back/neck pain, and headaches. Yoga has been such a help that I don't need the others any more.

nancy, maybe switch to a really great massage therapist later on for deep tissue? Some people are better at it, and this PT may not be one of best people. It may take several tries to find someone good, but is that so bad? I found someone great, if you want a referral!

[gaylin]

Last November I had a compressed nerve bundle in my neck - resulting in excruciating pain from my shoulder to my wrist. 4 weeks off work, lots of massage, chiro, muscle release, acupuncture. I didn't know that extreme pain makes me monosyllabic and keeping my own company for 4 weeks straight - I am boring!
Daytime tv is boring.
All of this was a result of a 2 hour long dentist appointment where I found out I don't freeze properly.
Thankfully I have a union contract with extended health coverage.
My shoulder started bothering me again last week, quick like a bunny (and not a Dark Bunny) I was back at chiro . . . massage . . .
Yes I do home exercises, walk 3 miles a day. And one of the Dr's had the nerve to say, oh these things will happen, you are getting old.
Son of a B

[ramona]

I feel rather left out because I don't have any real debilitating condition, and I've never been run over by a semi or fallen down the steps of a police station.

I do have this thing called deQuervain's Thumb. It's tendinitis in the thumb, and it hurts like a SOB. I got it from text messaging. The treatment is a cortisone injection right in the socket, usually followed by fainting.

[Josh]

Nancy, maybe this is your opportunity to get a Hitachi Magic Wand. Here's a link to an Amazon.com listing for it:

http://www.amazon.com/Vibratex-HV-250R-Hitachi-Magic-Massager/dp/B00005M1WE

[Pam aka SisterZip]

I didn't realize that Amazon had those sort of toys...

[Becky Hutchison]

Josh - just where DO you come up with such titillating stuff? First manhunt.com and the airplane "lift-off" and now this! Such unique links... :-)

[Holly D]

I wish you the best. My mother-in-law has had 2 back surgeries so far. She's only in her sixties.

My oldest daughter was born w/ Cerebral Palsy. She started Occupational and Physical Therapy when she was 3 months old. She is about to turn 14 and is still required to do therapy at home. She still hates every minute of it. Especially since it will be required for the rest of her life.

On a happier note. I just finished Murder Melts in Your Mouth. I loved it. As always your books rock!

[AlynneP]

Nancy
I'm totally impressed that you had an 11 pound baby with no anesthesia! I loved Murder Melts in Your Mouth! Can you release a new Blackbird Sisters book every few months? Just kidding, I can wait as long as it takes!

[Tom]

A small diversion - it seems yesterday was National Humorists Hate Air Travel day.

http://kenlevine.blogspot.com/

Shouldn't this have been on *all* our calendars?

[CilleyGirl]

I believe chiro is the way to go for back injuries or pain. Otherwise, everything else is just making your muscles feel better about being in the wrong place. I've got repetitive strain injury in my right wrist too (what I call "mouse finger") and the chiro is great about adjusting that as well when everything gets all jammed up.

And I second the statements that the electrodes should not hurt or make you twitch. If they do, the juice is up too high -- and they should be asking you whether it's up too high or too low. It's great when it works properly. When the machine spikes (like the older one I was on at my chiro one time; they quickly replaced that one), not so great. It's like the cartoon where Bugs Bunny drinks the potion and starts twitching and acking all over. Just like that!

[Peg H]

I think my physical therapist took great glee in hearing me squeak "ouch" when he worked on my shoulder. I'm from the school of living with the pain instead of having more pain with a weak promise of relief. Once I started yoga I got more relief than any of his shoulder cracking, pain inducing exercises. Though I do agree the electrode thingy did help.

[Nancy Martin]

I'm home! At last! Thanks to all of you for keeping today's blog alive. Okay, I'm drinking water, stretching, dieting and soon going upstairs to crawl into MY OWN BED to read myself to sleep.

But somebody tell me----are chiropractors for real? I remember my family considering them quacks when I was a kid. And the idea of somebody snapping my joints and bones----eek!

[Karen in Ohio]

Yes, Nancy, chiropractors are a godsend, as long as you get a good one. There are some not-so-good ones around, so you do need to be careful.

My riding teacher called to cancel our lesson yesterday; the mare I usually ride needed to go to the chiropractor! She has been very touchy, especially whenever anyone touches her withers. Turns out she had a pinched nerve, poor thing. Apparently, horses get chiropractic treatments all the time. Who knew?

[Steve]

Good luck with the back, Nancy. I don't envy anyone with back pain. I learned of the joy of the electrodes late last fall when I injured my knee. My therapists place them on my quadriceps and turned it up until I decided it was uncomfortable and then they backed it off slightly. If they're causing you pain you have to tell them to turn it down. I came to love the electrodes. Tried to get them to sell me a home version. It didn't work. The therapists did say this is something some people love while others can't stand the thought of it.

[Pam aka SisterZip]

I limit what I let my chiropractor do, I'm not into the constant xrays and certain stuff. But it has helped my knees, wrists, and shoulder. If my back is out of aline, sometimes Ihave trouble breathing. After a couple of adjustments...it is perfect.

There are a lot of quacks out there. If you have a local chiropractic college, you could check with them. Logan College of Chiropractic is here in St. Louis. They might have a referral thing online.

http://www.logan.edu/pages/default.asp