If I Ran the Presidential Debates

By Rebecca the Bookseller

Okay - let's all remember that this is not a political blog. So I'm not endorsing any of the candidates. I will say this: Dear Mr. Nader, I am old enough to remember when your work was a source of inspiration and respect. But many of the current voters? Not so much. You need to step out of this presidential race, or your legacy is going to be that you're a media-grubbing crank. Thank you.

Now - the debates. I live in Pennsylvania, and it looks like we're going to have yet another debate - and that's before the national election even begins. Come on. How many ways can they ask the same boring questions? Let's get to the real issues that matter to real people - like all of us at TLC.

I will pose several questions, and then I'm looking to all of you guys to add your own - with an intelligent, witty group like ours, I'm sure we can come up with not only a meaningful debate, but a ratings winner. One rule I set for myself - the questions must lead to a Yes or No answer. It's the only way. Otherwise, we're just going to hear the same sound bites over and over any time somebody wants to dodge the question. It'll also cut down on the time.

"But how on earth are you going to enforce that?" You may be asking yourself this question, and I did too. The answer: electroshock. The chairs will be wired. Not to, like, taser level, but enough to get their attention. The jolts will get stronger each time they are used on the same person. If someone ends up drooling at the end, well, that's a pretty damn good indicator right there.

Question 1 (let's just get it over with). "Have you ever paid anyone to have any kind of sex with you?" If the answer is Yes, then we'll have a sheriff standing by. It's still a crime, people, even though it's a dumb crime. Besides, if any of them did, they should have come clean about it last week, when it would have just been one more brick in the wall.

Question 2: "Have you ever done anything that you'd be embarrassed to have your mother find out about?" This is a trick question. If the answer is No, then they're either lying or they have one hell of a weird relationship with Mom. The answer should be Yes.

Question 3: "Did Scarlett get Rhett back?" Qualifier: one must, for the sake of all things good, ignore the abomination that was the novel/made for TV movie "Scarlett". In fact, just mentioning it is going to earn someone a shock.

Question 4: "Have you ever shot a man in Reno just to watch him die?" If the answer is Yes, and the candidate is not Johnny Cash, cue the sheriff.

Question 5: "Do you know what it's like to fall in the mud and get kicked... in the head... with an iron boot? Of course you don't, no one does. It never happens. It's a dumb question... skip it."

Question 6: "Have you ever played a complete game of Risk?" No right answer here - I'd just like to know if there is any human alive who has done it.

Question 7: "Are you wearing underwear?" (Okay, this one was Margie's question. She says anyone with the stones to go commando in a televised debate should win automatically. Not surprisingly, we differ on this particular point.)

Question 8: "Have you had sex with your spouse in the last 30 days?" This one is important. Because, most people, if they are not getting busy at home, they are doing it somewhere else. As we all know, this leads to scandals. We don't need any more of those, okay?

Question 9: "Do you think The Da Vinci Code is a great work of literature?" Okay, this is double tricky. Because face it, the overwhelming majority of people who bought or received that book could not finish it. And you can call it a cultural phenom, or a best seller, but as a book, it sucked. Big Time. This is the kind of question that really separates the wheat from the chaff.

Question 10: "If you have a fever, is the only prescription more cowbell?" Best to end on a soft ball query. The answer is obviously, Yes.

Okay, TLC, it's your turn. You don't have to limit your questions to yes or no answers, but if you want me to administer shock therapy, you need to tell me the right answer. What questions do you REALLY want to ask?

Comments

[ramona]

Candidate A is Franklin D. Roosevelt.
Candidate B is Winston Churchill.
Candidate C is Adolph Hitler.

[Karen in Ohio]

And according to a friend of mine, Winston Churchill had almost zero sex drive. How he knows this, I'm not willing to speculate, really.

This is a great blog, and these questions would sure spice up any debate. I also think they need to get zapped whenever they lie about each other or themselves. It gets so tiring to hear the same stupid and lame prevarications.

36. Paper or plastic?

37. Wind or solar?

38. And for the tiebreaker, if needed: How often do you call your nearest older relative?

[michele]

Rabecca, brilliant blog today! I wish I had something funny enough to be worthy, but since I don't I'll just contribute the following.

Interesting piece from today's Times on surviving infidelity in America:

http://www.nytimes.com/2008/03/21/opinion/21druckerman.html?hp

And on Guantanamo, I could be wrong but I thought all three candidates wanted to shut it down. One thing to be thankful for -- all of them, including McCain, are very firmly anti-torture.

[hollygee]

Mac or PC?

[Buzz]

Seriously friends:

Yes or No. Here's a start.

Will you take care of people who are hurting?
Will you shrink the military budget?
Will you make our schools the best in the world?
Will you protect our environment?
Will you explore space?
Will you always tell the truth?
Will you get a war declaration before going to war?
Will you protect our civil rights and liberties?
Will you work for peace and new priorities?

Spring is here.

[Rita Scott]

What is the price of a loaf of bread, gallon of milk, a dozen eggs?
paper or plastic?

[Nancy Martin]

Will you help eradicate worldwide hunger and extreme poverty?

Will you also find ways to control the human population? (Predicted to go over 9 billion, which cannot be sustained on this planet.)

[janetlynn13]

Here, Here, Buzz!

Seriously, can we get those questions in a debate and actually answered?

3 more -
Will you attempt to not tax us to death in the process?
Will you even out the tax debt away from the middle class and on to the rich and corporations who get away with less than their fair share?
Will you put a freaking leash on the oil and energy companies?

[Karen in Ohio]

And in that same vein, will you support research into alternative energy sources? When we did that with the space program back in the 1960's, the US ended up being first in engineering. We've sadly fallen behind, but if we took the lead in energy initiatives we could get that back.

Too bad we aren't spending the kind of money on energy research that we're spending (or more accurately, borrowing) in Iraq.

[Josh]

Will you legalize marijuana so that my children won't be angry at me for shotgunning the dog?

[Pam aka SisterZip]

Will you fix the healthcare disaster while assuring that the insurance companies can make money, everyone get good treatment, and companies will still supply their workers with coverage that won't eat up their entire paycheck?

[Pam aka SisterZip]

All of my humorous questions were supplied already. Good job everyone!!!

[Rebecca the Bookseller]

Got a couple of more via e-mail:

Plain or peanut M&Ms?

Is the infield fly rule a blessing or a curse?

[Kerry]

Wow, Rebecca, that brings up the obvious -- "What do you think about the designated hitter rule?"

[Rita Scott]

Josh - how about "do you save your seeds?"

[Becky]

Yes or no, people!

Have you ever gotten to a braggable level on World of Warcraft?

Does your mom know you're gay?

A wizard has turned you into a whale. Is this awesome?