Death to Pantyhose

by Michele

Recently I was thinking about head gear.  The heroine of my favorite series of time travel books, a thoroughly modern Twentieth Century woman, found herself in the Eighteenth Century and absolutely refused to wear a kerch.  What the hell is a kerch? I wondered, and why would she rather piss people off than wear one?  I'd just had a similar experience trying to visualize the racy "French hood" made popular by Anne Boleyn -- until the movie poster for "The Other Boleyn Girl" came out and I saw Natalie Portman wearing a kind of saucer thing on her head.  Wouldn't you know, my kerch question got answered in the same way.  Last weekend I watched the premiere of "John Adams" on HBO, and there was the admirable Laura Linney wearing a stupid little scrap of lace that I wouldn't be caught dead in either.  Aha, kerch!, I thought, no wonder.  Even worse were the men in their ridiculous wigs. I'm sure everyone's happy we dispensed with that nonsense centuries ago. 

                                                

Kerches and French hoods naturally set me thinking about JFK's inaugural address and its great unintended consequence -- the death of the modern millinery trade.  One guy takes off his hat to give a speech, and suddenly sartorial history is cut into two parts.  The part where you wouldn't any more leave the house without your hat than without your shoes or your pants, and the part where wearing a hat marks you as a weirdo.   Think about it, who just wears a hat any more?  Monica Lewinsky in her black beret? Proves my point; Miss Fashion Savvy she ain't.  The fedora and the pillbox have gone the way of the French hood and the kerch.  People reading about them in the 22nd Century won't even be able to imagine them without visual aids.

I'd been ruminating about head gear for a while when I had a sudden revelation.  Hats aren't the last thing to fall into the fashion black hole, and they're not the most important either.  A week or so ago, I was admiring the pedicure of Kelley from the Lee County Library System at an event in Fort Myers.  (There's your shout-out, Kelley.  Now you'd better post!)  Kelley had elaborate designs painted on her toes, flowers in black, white and silver.  Fancy pedicures were de rigeur in Florida, she explained, since women no longer wear panty hose.

She was right.  We've been liberated!  I was born and raised in the era of pantyhose, and I have lived to witness its death.  This, to me, is a much greater historical moment than the fall of the powdered wig.

I'd sort of realized this a number of years earlier, based on my experiences as a woman lawyer wearing  -- or not wearing --pants to work.  The year I started in the U.S. Attorney's Office, Bill Clinton was President and Janet Reno was Attorney General.  My boss in General Crimes was a tough woman, a liberal and a feminist.  My first week on the job, she called me into her office.  "You're pantsuit is beautiful," she said, "but you can't wear it to the office.  Pants are not appropriate for a woman in the courtroom."  I was pissed, but I listened, especially since she told me that certain male judges might refuse to let me appear in their courtrooms if I was wearing pants.  Who wants to risk humiliation like that, even at the hands of some crotchety old geezer whose days on the bench are numbered? 

For the eight years that I served, I heeded her advice and wore skirts to work without fail.  Then one day toward the end of my tenure, I made a bunch of arrests on a big case and spent some time doing bail hearings in magistrate's court, a place that as a senior prosecutor, I rarely visited.  All the baby prosecutors were hanging out there, stuck with bail duty.  I didn't recognize them or know their names, but one thing I couldn't miss.  The young female prosecutors all wore pants.

I looked down at my outfit -- skirt suit, with the skirt hitting above the knee, and heels.  I look like a slut, I thought.  They look like professionals. It was obvious.  Women in pants are taken more seriously.  Women in pants are de-sexed.  Nobody's looking at your legs while you're arguing legal precedent.  And moreover -- no more pantyhose!!! No more huge runs just when you have to stand up to deliver your summation.  No more feeling like your nether regions are tied up in a strait jacket.  No more wading through the pile of ratty old hose, none of which are presentable to wear.  No more freezing legs in winter time.                                                

   Hallelujah!

Comments

[ramona]

For the people who worry about uneven leg tone: http://www.sallyhansen.com/product.cfm?product=149

The instructions say to spray onto your hands and apply manually, but I just spray down my legs. First time I tried it was to cover up a bruise and I have been hooked ever since, but only for special occasions. Rest of the time, I just use tanning moisturizer, and it's fine.

People, I am not exactly Miss Brazil. If I can walk around in skirts without dogs howling, you can, too!

[michele]

Oh, Ramona, you are too Miss Brazil!

I don't want anyone to get the idea from this blog that I'm against heels or skirts or capri pants or 3/4 length sleeves. I love all those things -- especially skirts and heels. I own shoes with 4 1/2 inch heels fer crying out loud. But they're not for the workplace, and I never ever ever wear them with pantyhose.

I just remembered another thing Kelley from Fort Myers (who hasn't posted yet!) told me. She once met Sonny Bono, and Sonny gave her this piece of advice. If you want to be taken seriously in the business world, wear pants. If you wear a skirt, men will be looking at your legs instead of listening to what you have to say. Who knew -- Sonny Bono, the voice of reason.

[Mary Storyteller]

I gave up pantyhose with the latex allergy (stopped in a dark parking lot on the way home from a reunion to rip them off, the itching was that bad). Hanes did finally make some latex free, which I take very good care of to have for very special occasions. Now with the "incredible swelling foot" I have to wear compression stockings, which is going to play havoc with the skirts and sandals freedom of summer. Drat!
Spanx sound like girdles, which I was glad so we got rid of. I was looking for a poem about freeing one's hips, and instead found Maya Angelou's wonderful poem -- Phenomenal Woman
Pretty women wonder where my secret lies.
I'm not cute or built to suit a fashion model's size
But when I start to tell them,
They think I'm telling lies.
I say,
It's in the reach of my arms
The span of my hips,
The stride of my step,
The curl of my lips.
I'm a woman
Phenomenally.
Phenomenal woman,
That's me.

[Marcia in OK]

I'm a mass of contradictions.

To the office today, I have on a suit, black & white pinstripes with pants, and heals without pantyhose.

For Easter church this weekend, I wore a skirt, sweater set, and pantyhose with heels.

I have a drawer dedicated to pantyhose complete with emergency "new pairs" in black, and off black. Also have real stockings and garters.

I just purchased capri pants, 3/4 lenght t-shirts, and skirts.

Sadly, no hats besides baseball caps (in a rainbow of colors).

Hopefully, one day a week or so, I'll be in fashion.

Sunshiny and flowers are blooming, and they are mowing grass here in OK. I think I'll drive with the sunroof open at lunch. (Too bad the baseball cap won't look good with my suit.)

[Mary Storyteller]

A friend also wore color-coordinated baseball caps, during chemo. She found the turbans and wigs just too hot. She passed her wardrobe of caps on to another teacher when she also had chemo.
At Ren. Faire, we were told that all decent women of the time would have covered their hair with a scarf, in addition to wearing a hat. Too hot for me, so I guess I'm an "indecent" storyteller. (At least I keep my elbows covered).
Another teaching friend said that his definition of proper shoes was any shoes that were comfortable enough that he could smile during his last (7th) period class -- I adopted that standard!

[Mary Storyteller]

A friend also wore color-coordinated baseball caps, during chemo. She found the turbans and wigs just too hot. She passed her wardrobe of caps on to another teacher when she also had chemo.
At Ren. Faire, we were told that all decent women of the time would have covered their hair with a scarf, in addition to wearing a hat. Too hot for me, so I guess I'm an "indecent" storyteller. (At least I keep my elbows covered).
Another teaching friend said that his definition of proper shoes was any shoes that were comfortable enough that he could smile during his last (7th) period class -- I adopted that standard!

[Mary Storyteller]

another double-post to remove . . .
Doncha just love technology?

[toni mcgee causey]

Ramona, you rock. You've made me feel better about trying to wear skirts this summer. Our heat (which you know) is just too damned much for jeans, and I'm not going to wear shorts (I am not that sadistic). But the tanning moisturizer with skirts, I could maybe do.

Michele, I wore that stupid pantyhose for a while, too, in my 20s, and am thrilled it's gone away for the most part. I think the only ones which didn't run as soon as I put them on were the super expensive ones, and then I would live in fear of getting them nicked just before having to stand up in front of a group.

[Josh]

I'm a hat person, but I'm having a tough time finding a decent Panama straw hat for the price I'm willing to pay.

My daughter wears tights with her uniform, but, like all the girls in her class, she wears nylon shorts under her skirt. I think she could wear knee socks, but she doesn't like socks to ride high on her calf--she thinks it makes her too much like Miss Trunchbull. It will be interesting to see her in her dress for the Junior Cotillion dance that she is invited to with the other 7th graders who go to the poshest mostly Protestant middle schools in town. Her parents are forcing her to go. Apparently, it is not easy to find dressy-dresses for 13 year olds that are not strapless or spaghetti strapped. My wife managed, though.

[Kerry]

Josh, the issue of formal dress for teenagers should be the subject of a blog unto itself. A few years ago, I attended the annual awards banquet of our local horse show association, and was appalled beyond belief at what young teens were wearing. Thank goodness mine never tried it!

[Rita Scott]

Yes, I figured the guys would like the garter belts! ( guys should have to wear them and stilettos, then see how sexy you think they are!)
I bought pantyhose to wear to step daughters wedding--9 yrs ago. Pulled out a pair for a funeral last year and they had dry-rotted! So once a year, I will buy a pair off clearance, just in case I need them, not likely, since I only own 1 dress and 2 skirts.

[michele]

How about a blog on prom dresses? Mine was so awful that more than two decades later I still cringe thinking about it. And the girl who went with the guy I *wanted* to go with, wouldn't you know she had the best dress in the place.

[Luce]

I can't remember the last time I wore a skirt or dress. Work is jeans casual. A few months ago I cleaned out my closet of all my old dresses but I kept one skirt "just in case". Living in So. California - I can get away with wearing nice pants for any occasion.

Teenage & younger boys wear baseball caps 24/7. At least my nephews and their friends do. Personally, I look lousy in hats so I'm thankful it's not standard wear for women any more.

[Nancy Martin]

Josh, a true Panama hat is an investment. But it will last your lifetime. Unless your wife decides to murder you, in which case you can will it to your son.

[ramona]

Michele, I am not questioning your knowledge about the perception of professional women in skirts. I have no real-life experience in that regard. But I would like to point out that, if a man thinks a woman is a slut because she's in a skirt, whether it is part of a business suit or casual, it's his thinking that is skewered. But I think we already knew that.

You beat me to commenting on Josh's remark about appropriate formal wear for 13-year-olds. What a challenge. That would indeed be a great blog.

[Jody]

I wear slacks to work in the winter; skirts & tops, bare legs, and sandals in the summer. I am anxiously awaiting the mornings it won't be 33 degrees at the time I go to work! I'm in the scarves, hats, and wigs now that I'm having chemo.
I loved picking out a new hat every spring. I miss wearing them regularly to church, but I do not miss wearing pantyhose. Those only go on for weddings, funerals, and other special occasions - and then not if it's too hot!

[SarahS]

Hey, Karen. That's my uniform, too!

Ramona - is it too early to start the moisturizer with the tanning stuff? I use that, too. Golden.

[Karen in Ohio]

Josh, take a look at this hat:

http://www.basspro.com/webapp/wcs/stores/servlet/ProductDisplay?storeId=10151&catalogId=10001&langId=-1&partNumber=55240&hvarTarget=search&cmCat=SearchResults

A couple of years ago my husband was gathering gear for a trip to the rainforests in Costa Rica, and we found that the Bass Pro Shops have a mother lode of headgear. Reasonably priced, too.

[Pam aka SisterZip]

Even when I was skinny I didn't like going without panty hose. It just doesn't feel right. I just solve the problem by wearing pants to everything. Dear Hubby complains, but he doesn't have to wear it.

I have one dress for funerals. And I bought a skirt & sleeveless sweater combo...I just haven't worn it yet! Color looks great on me, just havent had the guts to wear it.

[Mothrababe]

Back in the 70s, when I was young, my mum would make me wear panyhose when we had to dress up for something special. Then, when I joined the airforce, I got to wear them everyday - better yet, they let me wear black court shoes (er, high heeled black pumps) with them. Gave the summer and winter uniforms a bit of a feminine lift. Otherwise it was polished black minnie-mouse lace up shoes. Sigh. When I was in Darwin, it was permissible to forego the pantyhose for white sox and minnie mouse shoes and cotton 'drabs' dress because of the heat and humidity, and what it did to personal health. :-D

Actually, when we were hitting the nightclubs I went looking for the sexy black stockings or pantyhose that had the rhinestone bows or spiderwebs on the back of the ankle, and always with the black seam. Damn I'm wistful for them now. Double damn - the 80s fashions made my very full bosom look good. I miss them. Sigh. :-D

Marianne

[Mothrababe]

I miss the fashions!! My bosom is still well endowed and gets cursed when I can never buy off the rack clothes.

Marianne

[Josh]

Thanks for the hat info, Karen. $9.95 is the price range I look for, given how hard I am on hats. I got one at a Tom Thumb on Perdido Key for $6.95, and I've gotten a couple at Target for $12.95. I had a real Panama hat, which would have been $50 at retail, and I loved it. Gone, all of them. I think my children are embarrassed by my hats, although maybe it's just the person wearing them.

[ramona]

Sarah, it takes about a week for the glow to show, at least with the high-fashion brands I generally use (Vaseline and Aveeno!) It fades pretty quickly, and if the color gets too dark, just skip a day or two. Also, avoid getting any on elbows or knees, because it darkens too much and looks dirty--unless the dirty knees look is one you desire, for whatever reason.

I should probably make a disclaimer here that #1--I don't work for any of these companies and, #2--you are basically dyeing your skin slowly, over a long period of time. That might be worrisome to people who are prone to skin conditions, or aren't as vain as I am and willing to take my chances.

[michele]

Marianne/Mothrababe -- a military uniform, hose and heels. Now *that* is sexy! Bet those boy soldiers had problems concentrating.

I agree with Ramona that the it's the guys making the problem, but we're the ones who have to take the consequences. I'd rather wear pants and not have to worry about it. Then again, I used to work in law enforcement, and even though the vast majority of the guys are perfect gentlemen, a few aren't. If I'd spent those years in pants instead of skirts and heels, maybe I could've avoided the awkward moments?

[michele]

Sarah, what the heck are you gonna do with a self-tanner around here in this weather, other than get your clothes stained?