Dark Bunny
by Harley

My friend Claire Carmichael has this theory: Add the word “Dark” to any noun and you get an instant noir title. As in, Dark Shadows, Dark Victory, Dark Angel, Wait Until Dark, Dark Side of the Moon, Darkness on the Edge of Town and in my case:

Dark Bunny.

You see, I’ve acquired a rabbit. Some of you are thinking, “little bundle of cuddliness” and others, “boiling water in ‘Fatal Attraction.’” I’m in the latter group.

Here’s how it happened. Rather than screen “Fatal Attraction” for my second-grader, like a smart parent, I foolishly raised her on “Pat the Bunny,” “Knuffle Bunny” and the Rabbits, Peter and Velveteen. Then last fall we spent time with friends who had a bunny, and that was it. “Chloe has a bunny,” my daughter said. “Angus and Fiona have them. Everyone has them.” Was she to be the only rabbit-less child in her school?

Why not? Other families have lots of things we don’t have, like Lamborghinis and putting greens and backstage passes to Hannah Montana concerts. Our family has dogs. Rescued dogs, so we don’t know their breed or their childhood traumas, but we do know they once brought down a deer. (There were witnesses.) Also, our dogs are suspects in the disappearance of our cat, April, but the evidence is purely circumstantial and we never found a body. It’s like living with the Corleone family. Gut-wrenching, yes, but late at night when one dog’s snoring next to me in bed, and the other’s downstairs guarding the children, comforting.

Unless you’re a bunny.

My other problem, as I explained 67 times to my daughter, is that caged animals distress me. But my daughter was on a mission. She checked out library books on rabbits, researched them online, and haunted Petco. I suggested that her father could have an unexplored love for bunnies and might like one at his house. I e-mailed him. He e-mailed me back. “Bunny: terrible idea.”

However, there was talk of guinea pigs and hamsters and shared custody arrangements, but then the rabbits made a comeback and suddenly—don’t ask me how—on the day my daughter turned 8, there was an enormous hutch on my deck and inside, Dixie. A full-time resident. Harley, suckered again.

I’m trying to see this problem as an opportunity in a bunny suit, but it’s an uphill battle. Chloe’s dad confessed just yesterday that their dog ate the guinea pig they bought to keep their rabbit company. Angus’s mom says a coyote broke into their hutch and took out an entire family, leaving behind only fluff. Our own Nancy Martin suffers from leporidae PTSD (too distraught to share details.) And for what? For a ball of fur whose biggest talent is that it can be taught, with painstaking effort, to use a litter box. Woo-hoo! Bring on the marching band.

If this were a children’s book, Dixie would somehow save our lives (perhaps from an attack by a giant, mutant lettuce leaf) and I would cry, “I’m sorry I made fun of you and complained that all you do is poop.” But this is Real Life, so here I sit waiting for the other shoe--uh, bunny slipper--to drop. The dogs lick their lips. Dixie quivers. One day I expect her to hurl herself over the deck into the canyon, leaving behind emptiness. Dark Hutch. Dark Litterbox. Dark Carrots.

If you can offer any advice, please do. Otherwise, heed this cautionary tale. It’s too late for me, but if I save even one reader from a hare-raising experience, I am at peace.

Happy Monday.
Harley

Comments

[Josh]

I've pondered this for a couple of hours, and all I can think of is that there is nothing good that can come of this, other than a Life Lesson. If someone starts a pool, I am taking "seven days."

[Sue]

This weekend I watched an Iron Chef where the secret ingredient was rabbit. Coincidence? I think not.

[William Simon]

Ummmmmmmmmmmmmmmm....

[beachfla]

My money is on the dogs...

[sarahS]

Harley, I hate to say this, but I had a Dutch belted rabbit named Posy growing up who was so wonderful she changed my childhood. We built an outside pen for her and she "dug out." Hung around the house chasing after the local brown rabbits with no luck. Then one day over the hill came a black rabbit with one loppy ear. My father named him Black Bart.

Black Bart and Posy had a slew of baby bunnies that they raised in a warren Posy built. (Bart was a bit of a bum, surprise, surprise.) She would come home, limping and pregnant, her white paws muddy, eat dinner and collapse. The warren extended to a yew occupied by a mean groundhog and one day I found the two of them on their hind haunches snapping and growling at one another.

Posy won the fight and got the yew.

A few years later, a mean neighbor began poisoning her offspring and my favorite child of hers, Blondie, was run over by the train. So on a rainy April day, my father and I took her and her brood across the river to the all-girl's Catholic boarding school where there was a bit of an animal sanctuary and let them go. A hard lesson for a twelve-year-old girl.

Years later, when I was in my 20s, my best friend Lisa and I were down by the river hanging out when a couple of kids came by to "see the rabbits." All of Posy's great-great grandchildren and beyond. They populate the area still.

[michele]

Sarah, that bunny story is the happiest thing I've heard in ages!

My experience is limited to two weekends spent with the class bunny rabbit Oreo last year. For me, it was all about the poop. Prolific animals, and I don't mean the breeding -- I did nothing but clean the cage. But my son is writing his autobiography in school this year, and for the part where he has to recount his happiest times, he picked the weekends with Oreo.

If nothing else, your rabbit experience and this blog will launch a thousand book titles!

[Harley]

Well, you guys have cheered me right up.

Sarah, yours is a lovely story, if one overlooks the overworked pregnant woman who can nevertheless take out a pillaging groundhog, and the homicidal neighbor and sending away the children, lest they be poisoned, and overpopulation. It's like a bedtime story, as written by Tony Soprano.

[janetlynn13]

Harley, email me off-line if you like. I've had rabbits all my life, and I am a rabbit volunteer at Animal Friends.

I had rabbits in a hutch growing up, but have learned that they really are house pets. They are very social creatures. They should be spayed or neutered as they live so much longer, and can be litter trained very easily after. I have 3 - 2 were acquired before I knew about getting them fixed and are too old now - and one adopted from AF. She's fixed, litter trained, and loose in the living room when we are home. Their personalities really come out when they are allowed to roam. They really are great pets if you are prepared.

If you do decide to get her fixed, do research beforehand and find a vet with a lot of experience with rabbits - check with rabbit experts at your local shelter for a referral. THIS IS VERY IMPORTANT, as many vets don't have experience with them. Rabbits are 'exotic' pets and have their own special needs.

Also, your home will need rabbit proofed besides watching the dog! The most important is removing access to all electrical cords - lamps, phones, tvs, cable wires, etc. They love to chew them!

Everyone - please don't give rabbits for Easter! They aren't great gifts for kids - they don't like to be held or chased - they live 8-10 years, and they need more care than just being in a cage. Shelters are inundated each spring with bunnies after the shine has worn off.

'Make my bunny Chocolate!'

http://www.momstoday.com/articles/holiday-spring-summer/make-my-bunny-chocolate-4655/

I could go on further, but I'll get off my soap box now.......

Happy Easter.

[Pam aka SisterZip]

You could always use the "I'm allergic" excuse. It is what my sister did.

I give the dogs 3 days. My Samoyed would chase the things around the fenced in back yard and finally caught one. Do you know how bright red looks on white fur?

[Maryann Mercer]

Thanks janetlynn for saying what I was thinking. We acquired a rabbit because someone dumped one in our yard (or nearby) and the poor thing was living under the car-no kidding. He had no idea what to do. We named him Nelson and I'd like to think he lived happily for the next eight years. However, I agree about the baby chicks and bunnies as Easter (or any other) gifts unless you're talking Heifer International. Chocolate is better. And the chick doesn't grow up into a rooster named Clyde whose favorite past-time was to terrorize commuters on their way home from the Rock Island station(long story).

[Michael]

We have 2 rabbits. I feel qualified to offer this opinion:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5V3NJi3WRKY

[Pam aka SisterZip]

A much clearer clip...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cCI18qAoKq4&feature=related

I was thinking the exact same thing!

[William Simon]

NIGHT OF THE LEPUS - Rory Calhoun, Janet Leigh, AC Lyle Productions, 1972

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-JoY4976x6I

Thanks to atomic experiments, rabiits have grown to the size of houses, and now they're looking to get even with Mankind.

(I'm not kidding...I remember seeing this. Which, I fear, says a great deal about me....)

[Harley]

Better and better! More clips I can't show the kids! I can't believe I'm watching Killer Rabbit films at 6 a.m. -- you guys are awesome.

And here I thought rabbits were vegetarian.

[kris]

Harley, maybe Jimmy Carter could give you some advice ...

[Harley]

Kris, please explain. Were there White House Rabbits in the Carter Administration?

[kris]

OKay, let me see if I can get the link in here (I am SO techno-challenged):

http://www.narsil.org/politics/carter/killer_rabbit.html

[Nancy Martin]

Let me just say that even golden retrievers will chase rabbits in the house. And the furniture didn't get the worst of it.

Okay, here's a horror story, so keep the kids away from the computer: I had (note the verb tense) an acquaintance who gave her kids a rabbit for Easter. A year later, she decided she was spending way too much time yelling at the kids to feed and water the bunny. Finally she gave up. She figured it would teach the kids a lesson if the rabbit starved to death. She let it happen. I still can't believe it, but that's exactly what this Bible-spouting woman did. (Nor did I know it was happening at the time, of course.)

I think the thing about letting the kids have bunnies is that you must go into the project with an exit strategy.

[JDRhoades]

Just be glad she's not fixated on wanting a horse.

[Harley]

Nancy, I have an exit strategy. My children's father. I just need to find a truck to haul the hutch out of here. I can transport Dixie in the cat carrier.

JD, she DOES want a horse. She's saving up for it.

Kris, I am flabbergasted by the President & the Swamp Rabbit story. Makes me proud to have voted for Jimmy in the very first election I ever voted in.

[Laura (in PA)]

Someone gave my older siblings a rabbit for Easter once, and they were playing with it in the yard and it got snatched up and run off with by an Irish Setter. According to my mother, my brother threw stones at that dog for years.

I did see a mention when researching the local CSA farms that one of them will "loan" (for a fee) out chicks for Easter. You bring them back after the holiday. Not sure why you would want to do this, but at least you have an out when it's over.

Nancy! What a horrible story!

[Tom]

Oh, damn.

"Because I want to" versus the value of Dixie's life. Will the young lady understand that? The dogs will never see Dix as a member of the pack (your family). They are hunters already; they will always see Dixie as food.

This is a tough lesson; I hope it doesn't get tougher.

[michele]

Exactly what lesson was that woman teaching her kids? Wow.

[ArkansasCyndi]

Agree with Dusty - Horse = much bigger poop problem! LOL

For the pool - I'll go with the dogs on day 10
:)

[Harley]

Tom, we are naturally taking precautions about having Dixie hop around on the deck only when the dogs are locked inside the house, or bringing Dixie to daughter's bedroom via cat carrier and locking the door. Daughter knows the dogs very well. The problem is, 2 siblings who are less careful about dogs in proximity to rabbits, because the siblings are 5 years old. Am I doing my best? Yes. Can I guarantee eternal vigilance? No.

Hence my current noir state of mind. Is there a priest out there? Can I confess my sins in advance? I have a bad feeling about this.