Take the Long Way Home

By Elaine Viets

"You can go to the store," my mother said. "But you are not allowed in the alley, understand?"

I understood.

I understood that the alley was the coolest place in my neighborhood, as well as the shortcut to the Kroger store. If I was old enough at seven to get a whole dollar to buy a gallon of milk and bring it home, then I should be allowed to make a detour through the alley.

Now, this was not your standard city alley. It was a suburban alley, paved with concrete and lined with almost new yellow brick buildings. It was fairly clean for an alley.

But it was still a wicked place. Even at seven, I knew that.

That was where the bad boys smoked cigarettes they shoplifted from the drug store. They kissed nasty girls here. They also wrote bad words in black paint on the walls. Last time, they’d written FUCK A DUCK.

I was pretty sure I knew what the F-word meant, but I couldn’t figure why they’d write that.

I followed my mom around the house asking, "Why would anyone want to do that to a duck?" until she threatened to tell my father when he got home from work if I didn’t shut up.

Now Mom was out of milk again – which happened a lot with four kids – and she wanted me to go to the Kroger store with my little brother, who was five. I was supposed to be proud of this responsibility, but it was a drag. The kid wouldn’t listen to me, even though I was a whole lot older. On the plus side, it allowed me another chance to explore the alley. He knew better than to snitch me out.

We’re talking 52 years ago. The world wasn’t any more innocent then, but kids weren’t quite as aware of stranger dangers. We were told we should NEVER take candy from strangers. We were warned about kidnapers. The whole state reacted in horror to the kidnaping of a little boy whose father owned a car dealership. Even after the boy’s parents gave the kidnapers a hundred thousand dollars, he was still killed. That poor little boy and his newspaper photo lived in the nightmares of my generation.

We didn’t realize the chances of kidnapers holding a nearly penniless electrician’s child for ransom were pretty slim.

Anyway, I was headed for the Kroger store, little blond brother in tow and my mother’s dollar bill clutched in my hand. Naturally, I made a beeline for that fascinating alley. My little brother didn’t object. He liked the alley, too.

We were almost to the store when a man stepped out from behind the Dumpster. To my kid’s eyes, he looked about nine feet tall, but that’s the only description I could give. He took my brother’s hand and said, "Come here, little boy" in a weird, stagy voice.

He did not sound nice at all.

"No," I said. "You can’t have him. He’s my brother." I yanked my brother’s hand away.

The man started laughing. He kept laughing, a dirty, horror movie sound, as I ran down the alley with my brother.

My brother and I went to the store. I bought the milk. We took the long way home. We never told Mom what happened.

I never went back in that alley again. I never saw the man.

It was only years later that I realized what a narrow escape we’d had. I still can’t figure out why the man let my brother go.

Sometimes, I still hear the man laughing in my dreams.

Comments

[Pam aka SisterZip]

They go after the weak and timid. He stopped because you put up a fight.

My stepdaughter was 13 when a man in a pickup truck approached her while she was walking 5 blocks from her house to the Moose Lodge to meet up with her mother. She stayed ahead of the guy, but when he got out of the truck and started for her, another stranger saw what was happening and intervened. He followed her to the Lodge and told the X what had happened. Stepdaugher had a good description of the truck but no plate. The other stranger was so shaken up by the whole thing he didn't get anything except a vague look at the guy.

And that was 30 years ago.

[Pam aka SisterZip]

Oh, I forgot....

Sick, perverts, bastard, motherf'in, a-holes. Their punishment should be castration by the father of the child.

[Josh]

On the way to dance lessons, an acquaintance of mine was molested by the driver on a city bus when she was about 12, about 75 years ago. She never told her mother, because she was afraid that she wouldn't let her go to dance lessons anymore. I am grateful that nothing like that has happened to myself, my siblings, my children, and my wife--all, as far as I know.

[William Simon]

No need for me to chime in here; everyone knows how rabid I get on this subject.

But I will say GOOD for you, Elaine. Protecting your brother and getting the hell OUT of there was indeed the right thing. A lot of seven year olds (and a lot of people much older than seven) might have been too afraid to do or say anything. You knew what to do, and you did it. In the process, you most likely scared that freak out of the neighborhood.

It's a shame they won't let seven year olds have a CHL.

[Kathy Reschini Sweeney]

Holy shit, Elaine!

I was expecting something on the candy you bought with the change, and boom! What a nightmare.

You should (still) be proud of yourself for the quick and effective reaction.

William - such restraint from you. For any of you relatively new to the blog, William is one of those people who hunts these monsters.

I am normally adamantly opposed to torture. There are exceptions however. Maybe if the CIA gets melancholy for the old days, they could have some child molesters for a month or so. Sister Pam and I will deliver them.

[Sue]

Long about the same time, across the state and state line in Kansas City, Kansas, I was walking to school with friends when a man stopped his car right outside of my friend Margie's house and offered any of us a ride to school.....it was two blocks away. Being children of the time, we declined...very politely...and kept going. So did he. I have no idea why. None of us knew him - it was no one's dad or grandpa. It still haunts me to think what would have happened if one of us took him up on the offer.

[Harley]

Well, for the love of Pete's sake! (as my 7-year old says). I was not expecting that. Elaine, you have an inner Stephen King wanting to come out.

I go through this litany with my 7, 5 and 5 year olds every few months. I didn't have to make up the scenario, either--they too sort of just know by osmosis that there are Bad People in the world.

"When is it okay to hit or kick a grown-up and scream as loud as you want?"

"If someone kidnaps you. Like if someone asks you to get in their car or come look for their lost puppy."

"What about if they have candy or say they'll take you to Toys R Us?"

[Long pause.] "You still have to say no."

I used to worry about implanting in their heads too much fear of the world, but they're more scared of the monsters under the bed than the ones driving the nice van.

I also tell them they're the boss of their own body. I hope they remember this one all their lives.

[janetlynn13]

Elaine - you should really be proud of yourself - even at 7 you knew what to do.

Seriously, why isn't castration used on child molesters and rapists? Wouldn't the fear of it reduce attacks? It would reduce the repeat offenders to almost zero, right? I know they would find other means to express violence, but wouldn't it help?

[Maryann Mercer]

Way back in the day, we used to take the city bus to school and back. In the winter, that meant walking down a dimly lit street on the way home (especially after Brownies). Cute streetlights, but not too much in the lighting department. I always sprinted. For some reason I just knew someone was watching.
Oh...and we lived near a commuter/freight station on Chicago's Rock Island suburban line...sometimes we saw hoboes.
Catherine was a latch-key kid in middle school(long story short, our childsitter was more interested in her boyfriend than in Cath). One day after school, she got an obscene phone call...the guy knew who she was and mentioned the school she attended. He also used some heavy-duty words. I know because she told them to the police. Turned out that the caller worked at the school. We got Cath her own phone, unlisted number (cost us a whole $10 a month) and established additional ground rules. We still have the phone line.
One summer, Catherine's best friend was in her house, screen door latched, when a man broke in and surprised her. He had a knife. Ann had a book. She tossed it at him, ran into her room (ground floor),locked the door and escaped through the window to a neighbor's house to call the police. Happy ending, she described him well enough that they caught him three blocks away. All this in central Illinois, where people didn't feel the need to lock their doors at night.

You've all probably heard of The Gift of Fear by Gavin DeBecker (Oprah recommended it. So does Barry Eisler). It tells us we need to listen to that little "hmmmmm" feeling we get sometimes, and what to do when we get that feeling. Elaine listened to hers and saved her brother...it's a great book to have, and not just for women.
Good post, Elaine. Thank you.

[Maryann Mercer]

Oh and Elaine...I had forgotten about Kroeger! We shopped there AND the A&P back when grocery stores weren't trying to be department stores :o)

[ramona]

"You can't have him. He's my brother."

Beautiful words, Elaine. Can't get any straighter than that.

I'm all for training your kids to recognize danger, but I'm sorry to say that I do think any clever adult can outwit a child.

I know there are many instances, but Alison Gaylin did one in her first book that stuck with me, because it was both funny and scary. A cop did a school "Stranger Danger" visit. He got all the No! responses to offers of candy, a ride, help me find my puppy, etc, but when he asked, what do you do if a stranger offers you a brand new Nintendo, one kid answered, "Say thank you!"

I can totally see that happening, but not by Elaine.

[Nancy Martin]

Okay, I'm perverted. I expected this story to end with Elaine's mother paying off the scary guy for teaching her kids a lesson. Hey, it was a different era!

[ArkansasCyndi]

This story gave me the heebee-geebees just reading it. Scared me just thinking about what COULD have happened. How scary it must be to be a parent today.

You know JanetLynn13, molestation and rape don't have anything to do with sex. It's about power so castration wouldn't stop their urges. Maybe punish the offender but there are plenty of ways (unfortunately) that these sickos can think of to molest without using his... I want to keep this a PG blog so lets say his "member"

Power blog, Elaine

[Laura (in PA)]

Wonderful blog, Elaine. Thank God, I never had that kind of encounter as a child, nor did my daughter. Although I'm fully aware that boys are just as susceptible to child predators, I always was very worried about my daughter being a target as a girl, especially when she was a young teen.

I don't remember ever being warned about strangers as a child, and I did a lot of walking to the store with the dollar in my hand. In fact, my older sister used to send me, at age 7 or 8, with a dollar and a note to buy cigarettes for her! Also, at about the same age, I walked about 10 blocks to my piano lessons, by myself.

I wouldn't let my kid go off the street until she was a teen.

[Abbe]

Good story. I guess that's one of the reasons why I worry about my son. With his special needs and lack of social understanding, he's very easy to talk to and manipulate. He hugs strangers, which is occasionally sweet when we're all together, but a little scary when I think about him getting lost. I'm thinking about getting one of those LoJacks for kids....

[Elaine Viets]

Thank you all for your comments. I've spent many hours wondering why my brother and I escaped the potential horror, but your responses helped me understand it. One of the mysteries of my life has been solved.

[Holly D]

Elaine - Wow. You rock. That would be scary even as an adult.

William - You are a Hero. These F***ers should pay. As the mom of 5, the B****rd had better pray the cops find him/her before I do.

My husband says I'm too protective. I don't allow any of our kids to play in the front yard alone, not even the 12 and 13 year olds. I watch all of them constantly. This is a big fear for me. A girl about 12 years old was walking her dog and disappeared about six years ago. It can happen where you live.

[Kerry]

Ditto what everyone else has said. Gavin DeBecker's book is excellent; everyone should read it. Harley, I love your approach. I wish all parents had the kind of relationship with their kids that would let the kids tell them, freely and openly, when horrible stuff happens to them (whether it's a relatively mild boundary issue or something a lot scarier). I am reminded of a great bumper sticker: "Children should be seen AND heard."

[Hannah]

powerful blog, Elaine!This is an important,yet scary,topic.

I,too,love Harley's approach.i'll try to do that same as a teacher.it's just kind of hard to try to tell about these things to those kids who have never heard of anything like this before.i think parents should tell to their children about these predators.
the thing that scares me,though, is that when they've made researches about this stuff,children tend to follow these "nice men" even though their parents have warn them about going somewhere with strangers.they just don't seem to realize that it would be dangerous to see someones puppy.

i've taught children who have been molested by pedofiles.i felt so sorry for them.they were pretty small and they didn't seem to understand the thing that had happened to them. i am afraid of the day when they do understand...

[Elaine Viets]

Hannah, I used to do volunteer work at a home that took in wards of the state. Some (but not all) of these children had been molested. I've kept track of them and I'm amazed at how many grew up to be strong, productive and likeable people.
On a different note, I'd like to see the death penalty for pedophiles.

[Maryann Mercer]

Kids today have to be so much more savvy than we were at their age. Growing up in a Chicago suburb, I was exposed to the dangers of strangers as far back as the disappearance of the Grimes Sisters (in 1958 I think and I was already 11), but a lot of kids in rural areas only learned about locked doors when they came to college. They had no clue that anything bad could happen to them. I have a friend who still sometimes forgets to lock her door...she has stay at home neighbors, lives in a small farming town, and so far has been fortunate.
How do we teach our kids and grandkids the right level of vigilance (if that's the word) without terrorizing them?
Cyndi-there are meds. The downside is making sure the bad guys stay on them and get counseling.
Abbe-how old is your son? Could he use a pre-paid cell (maybe one with a tracking system in it)? He could keep it on all day, hit speed dial to check in, and charge it at night. William-would this be a good solution?

[ArkansasCyndi]

Yeah Maryann, I know about drugs for offenders, but it can be almost impossible to keep them taking the meds. Regulation is a problem. Monitoring? there just aren't enough workers to do that, not mention there are side effects.

The best defense is a good offense, I'd guess

[Pam aka SisterZip]

And castration violates their civil rights.

[Maryann Mercer]

I agree Cyndi-right now it seems to be a Catch-22 and until we fund better and educate more, it will continue to be that way,or at least that's what it seems. Here's another question-is it up to the teachers to add this to their responsibilities? There are parents who never take the time to talk with their children, or who believe it can't happen in their town,etc. Or is that another no-win situation? As a parent, it would not have bothered me to have the teacher reinforce my talks with Catherine, but that's just me.

[Marcia in OK]

Thanks for sharing your story Elaine.

Bad stuff has always happened to kids. But, years ago, it was talked about less. One of the benefits of the media and current technology is that word gets around more now.

As a single mom raising two daughters - well, let's just say I always stand on the line of caution and sometimes cross-over into overprotective. The alternative scares me to death.

Harley - everyone needs to remember that they are the "boss" of their own bodies - especially kids. Please avoid those mandatory kisses and hugs when they are tired or scared or feeling overwhelmed. Cuase, if they can't say to you and other relatives in a safe place, how can they say no and mean it to someone threatening them.

William - keep fighting the good fight.