Real Wedding Vows

by Rebecca the Bookseller

You don't have to call me Rev, but you could. Yep - I am now licensed to perform marriages. How did I do it? About five minutes online. Free. Why did I do it? To see if I could.

So any local official who wants to go out on a limb and issue a marriage license to a gay couple, call me. I'll do the ceremony. Sure, I could lose my license. Who cares?

Until then, I decided to seek the fine wisdom of our TLC community to devise some REAL wedding vows. All that pledging of troths might have worked in the past, but it's time for change.

Let's start by taking a page from Pastor Paul Wirth of Florida, who is challenging his married flock to have sex every day for a month. Our friend Chris, who sent me the article, put it best: "Hallelujah, I have found Jesus." Pastor Wirth believes it will help lower the divorce rate. It could. Conversely, given the average age of many Florida congregations, I'd look for an equivalent spike in cardiac incidents.

Regardless, the Pastor has a good point - when we get married, we promise NOT to have sex with anyone else. But we don't promise TO have sex with each other. Some people may not care. No comment. But lots of people do.

What else is really important? Let's take a moment in the bathroom. Toothpaste, toilet seat - changing the paper - using the bath mat instead of leaving a slippery patch - these are things that should be agreed upon from the get-go.

And the kitchen. There is a silent, yet vicious, war going on about the best way to load the dishwasher. And when to take out the trash. Is it okay to keep smashing it down so that it melds so closely with the can itself that you need the jaws of life to remove the bag? Or should you take it out as soon as the contents are visible at the top edge? What about wedging the pizza box in there so that it takes up all the room? These things are critical.

Then there is the temperature tempest. Sure, when you're young, you think you can adjust. But I am here to tell you, gentlemen, when your wife approaches a certain age, you'd best stock up on warm socks and sweaters. Because when she resets that thing to 60 degrees, you had damn well keep your mitts off.

Get the idea? So let's go - what promises should really be included in the wedding vows? I'll start:

I promise not to finish the coffee/soda/milk without replacing it or at least warning you before the next morning. (Leaving half an ounce counts as finishing.)

I promise that if you get sick, and you want to be left alone, I will honor your wishes. (Alternative vow for men: I promise that I will NOT get sick every time you get sick. And I promise not to act like a toddler and moan and whine when I do get sick.)

I promise not to make fun of whatever you read, be it Playboy (for the articles) or a cheesy romance novel.

I promise to pay attention when you say: "I don't want to talk about it." This promise must be accompanied by its companion promise: I promise not to say "I don't want to talk about it" unless I really mean it.

I promise to negotiate in good faith about the bathroom and the trash, and to abide by our collective decision. Especially about the pizza boxes.

Your turn - you'll note that I left the sex vow out of it. I'm counting on the rest of you to come up with that one. heh.

Comments

[Hannah]

Great one,Rebecca!i could use some of your promises when the day comes...we're not there quite yet...

Another date with mr.Iceland yesterday...he called me and informed me that he was going to meet me in an hour.i was still in bed and didn't look like i could meet anybody.don't guys realize that girls need TIME to get ready...?
so i hurried to shower,put my make-up on and ran to meet him while my hair was still wet...i can assure you that i wasn't a pretty sight.but i blame it all on him.he should've let me have more time to get ready!!!

at least this time i wasn't freezing all the time...i knew better this time.we spent the whole time indoors.

i'm still not sure about this guy.i want a man who can make me laugh.

[William Simon]

If I promise to make sure the dirty clothes hit the hamper more often than not, will you promise not to roll your eyes and groan "Not again?!?" when TCM runs a Bogart or Man From U.N.C.L.E. marathon?

[Nancy Martin]

Yes, I agree with William that a couple needs to negotiate that certain television programs are sacred and/or allowed when the spouse is sick and/or needs mindless entertainment. I watch General Hospital from 10 to 11 at night on Soapnet. My husband has finally figured out it's the equivalent of the Sunday afternoon of football games.

I can, however, be distracted from General Hospital.

[Maryann Mercer]

Good job, Rebecca :o)
I have a couple-

I solemnly swear not to enter the room during the last five minutes of the program you've been watching for the past two hours and proceed to tell you how my day went.
I promise to turn on the porch lights and the interior garage light when I leave BEFORE it gets dark but know you're not getting home until AFTER it gets dark.
I promise to put "need juice, sugar,or whatever" on the dry-erase board before you leave for work or be responsible for getting it myself.
I promise to flush and then close the lid so the cat doesn't fall in (it happens)
I promise not to say "I don't care" when you ask what I want for dinner and then say "that AGAIN!?!?!?!?
I promise not to clean off the top of your desk or dresser without asking first.
I promise not to interrupt while you're finishing the last chapter of the book you've been reading (Chuck and I are both guilty of this one)
I promise to do my own laundry and keep whites separate from darks (Chuck does his own work clothes.Irons them too..yay!)

I know I could think of more, but I have a question--Nancy, who did Michael shoot? I am sooo tempted to start watching again, now that Sarah Brown is back (argh...GH withrdrawal!).

[Nancy Martin]

P.S. to the newly ordained Rev: Way to go, girl! Will you do funerals, baptisms and whatnot, too? Didn't mean to ignore the headline.

(Hijack for Maryann: Michael shot Kate, Sonny's new squeeze. Except Sonny thinks it was a hit ordered by the Zacarras (sp?) and he's declared a mob war. When Sonny finds out it was his own son was the shooter . . . Well, let's just say it feels as if the writers' strike is over.)

[Rebecca the Bookseller]

Good morning and good suggestions!

Nancy - no religious stuff. Just legal stuff. I think. I guess I should read my online handbook or something. I will leave the rest to our friend Susan, who is finishing seminary this year - YEA!

Hannah - honey - I left a note for Margie to address your comment. Please check back. When it snows, especially on Friday, one can never be sure when she'll make an appearance at work.

William - unless you are legally blind, there is *no* reason not to put things in the hamper, for Pete's sake. As for promises about rolling the eyes, well, I think as long as you can't actually see it happen, it didn't.

Maryann - excellent! Maybe you could be my assistant Rev. You know, if we ever open the TLC Wedding Chapel and Dessert Emporium.

[Sue]

So he wants the married folk to have sex every day for a month? Does it have to be with each other?

I promise to buy you your own tube of toothpaste so that you can squeeze, fondle, mutilate, and leave the cap off until the entire contents solidify.

I promise to not flip you off when I'm pissed and you walk into the bathroom while I'm still ranting.

I promise to quit making fun of the look on your face, when you found out that Suzanne Pleshette, the love of your life, was not only over 70, she had passed on to the great cocktail party in the sky.

I have to ask....is it fair to make a list of promises for him too?

[Rebecca the Bookseller]

Sue - fantastic - and are you kidding? Writing the promises for him is the best part!

And yes, the sex for 30 days thing is just between those already married. For some reason, I keep getting flashes of that Dick Van Dyke movie about the town that quit smoking - I think it was called "Cold Turkey" or something.

[Maryann Mercer]

Rebecca, just direct me to the website :o)

Hi-jack to Nancy, Thanks. (Soapnet, huh? Maybe I can catch an episode tonight :o)!)

[Karen in Ohio]

Way cool, Rebecca. It would never have occurred to me to get cyber-ordained, just for the heck of it, so you get major points for creativity!

After 26 years of yoked bliss-ish with one man, I think it's time for renegotiation. The vows we take when we don't know each other as well are certainly not the same ones we'd make after significant time rubbing the corners off each other. We promised to share household duties equally, since we had both been single for a long time, and that worked, for a while. Then along came the two kids, and there went that agreement, out the window, along with my resolve to keep my own business for the duration. It just wasn't compatible with his business, which took him out of town so much. We never did get back to sharing chores inside the house, but now he takes care of cutting grass, and I do most everything else. But he also brings in the bulk of the income--and hands it all over to me. You can't get better than that.

But we have successfully navigated most of the shoals of marital peril, and I have to admit that it's mostly because of him being such a good guy. He never leaves the toilet seat up, and eagerly removes smelly trash and compost bins. He empties the dishwasher once in awhile, or loads it. This is a biggie, by the way, especially if you cook, like I do. It's such an endless task. And he is a wonderful stepdad and grandpa to MY oldest daughter and grandson; you'd never know they aren't related. Who can complain?

My only real beef is that we don't go out to eat often enough. After traveling so much, he does not enjoy it, but I do get weary of cooking every night. I wouldn't mind some kind of every Saturday night out commitment.

[Laurie King]

Actually, the old wedding vows clearly stated, "With my body I thee worship, with my goods I thee endow."

[Kerry]

I promise that if you do something that really, really bugs me, I'll tell you about it so we can figure out a solution. I promise to reciprocate. I promise that I expect real compromise -- not that you'll make all the changes while I sit back and eat crackers in bed.

I promise that I'll only make fun of your music if it amuses you that I do so, and I'll accept you making fun of mine in the same spirit. Unless it's Manilow or Neil Diamond, who are strictly off-limits.

I promise that, as long as you're doing the chores, I won't correct how you do them, except when you leave the water running unnecessarily while doing the dishes.

I promise that, if I tell you that all I want for my birthday is a card, I'm not going to think you don't love me if all you get me is a card.

I promise to call to let you know I'm on my way home, but I expect you to pay attention and call out the Marines if I'm unreasonably late (that would, after all, be the point). That's not being patronizing; that's being safe. I promise that I will definitely and emphatically let you know when you're being patronizing :)

[Nancy Martin]

Exorcisms. I bet there's big money in performing exorcisms. Just saying.

[Nancy Martin]

And the exorcism remark has nothing to do with it being 10am and still no Margie in the office.

[jodiL]

Hannah, Let's go back to Mr. Iceland..."he called me and informed me that he was going to meet me in an hour"? Did you have plans already but just hadn't set the time? If not, you need to start training this guy now before this relationship goes one step further. If you don't get him on the right track early you are heading down a slippery slope. Let's start by his asking when it is convenient for you to be ready, then move on to are you warm enough, do we need to go inside, and then to where/what would you like to go/do. Maybe we need dating vows before marriage vows.

[Me, Margie]

Hi. It's Me, Margie.

The reason it took me so long to get here is because SOME people just let the toner run out without telling anyone and then some responsible person like Me, Margie has to fix everything.

I am staying out of the wedding vows thing. The entire concept gives me a rash.

BUT - Hannah, sweetheart - you need to STOP. Right now. Listen:

1. Just because Mr. Iceland tells you he's going to pick you up in an hour doesn't mean you have to agree. Just tell him "That doesn't work for me, but I can see you in two hours" or whatever.

2. NEVER leave until you are ready. He can wait. If that's too much for him to handle, better to know now than later.

3. Sense of humor - please - that is like one of THE MOST IMPORTANT things. Even if the guy is a sexual maestro, you have to talk sometimes. And humor is the only thing that gets you through in the long run.

Now go forth and educate. And stay safe.

[Tom]

A little off-topic . . . Got ordained about six years ago for a nephew's wedding; when I saw the marriage was going rancid (like an over-ripe soul from DEAD LIKE ME, in fact), I felt pretty badly. Did an 'unmarriage' in my mind's eye; the divorce is just about final. Don't think it needed my 'help,' but any acceleration was good.

OTOH, our friends Mike and Astrid are still going strong - four years as of Leap Day. The ceremony was in our back yard under a blossoming bottlebrush tree. They always come to mind when I see the tree and its bright red-pink flowers.

[Mary Storyteller]

My divorce attorney proposed that "either party going to philosophy grad school" be added as the sixth no-fault reason in MN. divorce law, so perhaps a vow not to do so would be helpful. OTOH, wife #3 doesn't seem to mind.
Friends have told me that respect for each other's interests (and having separate interests) is essential for a long-term marriage.

[Hannah]

Thanks,guys :)

i know, i'm way too nice.it's always been my problem that i let people walk all over me,but maybe your pep talk cured me from that...i really need to work on that.

Sense of humour is so important to me that i know that i can't live without it.with this guy, i don't know yet wheter i want to stay around and find out if he can live with my sense of humour...my sense of humour can be a little mischevious sometimes...well,who are we kidding??it's like that all the time...

i recently had one guy who had a perfect sense of humour and i really liked him.there was only one "small" problem...he was kind of like my brother...

now,wait:it wasn't as twisted as it sounds.his parents have sort of "adopted" me since they don't have biological daughters.but still,this thing didn't really work.life can be pretty tricky sometimes...maybe i'll just go to convent and start a life as a nun.now there's a thought!

[Maryann Mercer]

I totally forgot about the music thing, which brings to mind this vow:
I will not remove your favorite CD from the car disc player and set the radio on the local talk station without warning you first.
I like NPR as well as anyone, but Chuck manages to find obscure talk stations--a shock to me when I'm expecting Paul McCartey and get "the pros and cons of dwarf-tossing" instead.
Exorcisms? I'll just wait in the car :o)

[Rita Scott]

Hannah, listen to the experts! Don't let Mr. Iceman start out taking you for granted.
Sweet thing tried that. 8pm Friday night, "You're coming over for the weekend, aren't you?" Uh, no,I didn't know I was invited and too late now!
Vows- some need to be in plain english. Ex#1 didn't understand the flowery phrase of 'foresaking all others' Phrase it 'no cheating or expect a Bobbit!'

[Harley]

Reverend Rebecca? I have no problem with the promises. But I can see I might have a problem believing the Other Party, while sincere in the moment, doesn't carry in the pocket of his tuxedo that tiny clause, in fine print, that reads, "unless I change my mind."

I guess I need Margie to vet them for me.

Oh, and Margie, that was me with toner. Sorry. Deadline.

[Mary Storyteller]

I played a CD/radio trick on myself -- I thought I'd hit the radio button, so when my friend's storytelling CD began playing, I thought he'd been discovered by NPR. Maybe it was a sign for the future?
I think volume needs to be part of that sharing thing as well. Turning on the car and being blasted by whatever someone else had chosen would ruin my day. Maybe separate cars would make sense (especially since I tend to make mine a to-do list on wheels, putting things inside to remind myself of errands.
Harley, I like the all-purpose apology format "sorry. Deadline." I used to use "grades due" and folks would understand my hermit ways.
Good luck, Hannah. It's hard to get the right balance of give and take in any relationship.

[janetlynn13]

OMG, Mary! I use my car as a to-do list as well, and didn't even realize it. I have 4 things in my car right now to remind me of things I have to do tonight.

Nancy, I watched GH for over 25 years, and finally gave it up - I was fast forwarding through more than I was watching. I went cold turkey for a few months, but they lured me back when Anna/Robert/Robin came back. It only lasted a few months, so I gave it up for good - well, unless I'm home sick. I miss the old days - and there's just NOT ENOUGH JAX.

BTW, what did the soaps do during the writer's strike????

[Becky Hutchison]

Hannah -- It took awhile to get to know my husband as the warm, funny guy he is. He is VERY quiet (and I am VERY not), and other people thought we weren't meant for each other at all. This year will be our 20th anniversary, so I guess we're somewhat compatible after all. We share similar interests, but we also have different ones. He likes to watch golf on TV...I like to watch paranormal stuff on TV. (At least there's some action in mine!)

At first the only things I thought we had in common were some friends, the music we liked, & our work (did I tell you I met him at work?). After he felt more comfortable with me, his dry sense of humor emerged, and I started falling for him.

**BUT** he was always considerate of me & asked what I wanted to do, etc. (Okay...he suggested going to Robocop on our first date, but I didn't protest.)

My point is that the person you see right now may not be the real person. He may just be acting that way out of nervousness.

However, I agree with the others...you should never compromise on consideration! Don't let the guy start thinking that you like to be told what to do. Let him know up front what you expect. You'll thank yourself for it later.