Guest blogger Karen Olson, is the author of the Annie Seymour Mystery series. Check out Karen's latest release, DEAD OF THE DAY.
Almost exactly 10 years ago, my husband and I met our daughter in a dingy, cold government building in Changsha, Hunan, China. A single lightbulb dangled from the concrete ceiling as 15 waiting families held their new daughters for the first time. The girls were dirty and small. Our daughter weighed only 15 pounds at a year and couldn't even pull herself up into a sitting position if she was lying down. She clutched two rice crackers, one in each hand. When we got back to the hotel room, we peeled off five layers of clothing and discovered a disposable diaper was being held on her tiny body with a rubber band. She screamed hysterically for two days, until she realized we were giving her food. Her first smile came when my husband was feeding her rice with chopsticks. Still, food was not to be wasted, and she carefully picked up each grain of rice that fell on her shirt or pants and put it in her mouth.
Her name is Julia Elna, but we kept her Chinese name---Xin, which we were told meant prosperity---as a second middle name. She's 11 now. As American as any other kid, but raising a child of another race has had its ups and downs. We've heard from the moment we started telling people we were adopting a baby from China that she'd be "smart, good in math." She was also described as "a beautiful China doll." Okay, so she's pretty and smart and good in math. She also plays the violin. Some stereotypes you can't get away from.
I did have a stranger walk up to us when she was about 2 and say, "Don't they kill baby girls in China?" And if I had a dollar for every time someone asked me "how much did it cost," I probably would have been able to adopt again. One woman actually asked me if we were going to tell her she's adopted. I mean, she IS Chinese and we aren't. She'd be able to figure it out.
Funny thing is, for a long time apparently she didn't realize she looked Chinese. When she was about 3, we were in a Chinese restaurant and she asked if all the people who worked there were Chinese. I said yes, why do you think so? She said, because they look Chinese. I said, well, you're Chinese. She looked at me calmly and said, but I don't look Chinese. I asked her, what do you think you look like? She said, I look like you. Later, at home, we looked in the mirror together. Her expression was one of disbelief as she turned me to and exclaimed, I look Chinese!
We belong to a group called Families with Children from China. Lots of other families in our area who have adopted girls from various provinces. It's a great organization, and we've been able to show Julia families that look like ours: Caucasian parents, Asian children. But when she was 5, we realized we did too good a job having her accept this. She met a little girl during kindergarten orientation who was also Chinese, and she was so excited. She asked, did you see her father? He's Mexican. I said, he's probably not Mexican, sometimes Asians look Hispanic. I'm sure he's Chinese, too. She asked, why would he be Chinese? She didn't realize Chinese kids could have Chinese parents.
These are all things we didn't realize we'd have to address when we flew across the country to meet her that first time. We felt we were prepared; my husband had lived in Japan for three years and knew firsthand what it was like to be a minority. But as we all know, parenting is on the job training as you go. Julia is a confident girl, proud of her Chinese heritage but very American at the same time. She's taken a great interest in the presidential primaries, and she's upset that she can't run for president because she wasn't born here. She has set her sights on Yale already. As I watch her growing up, I realize that there's nothing else she can't do, and I remember that tiny person being handed to me in that stark gray building 10 years ago. For those people who have insensitively asked me "when I would have a baby of my own," I always respond by saying that Julia IS my child. I'm not a particularly religious person, but I do believe that things happen for a reason, and if I had a biological child, I would never have met Julia. I truly believe she was destined to be our daughter. And I can't imagine life without her.
For more information, try these links:
Welcome Karen. Your story left a lump in my throat because its very much like ours. Thank you. My daughter loved reading about someone whose family began the same way ours did. As she put it, "Cool, someone just like me."
Posted by: Darlene | February 23, 2008 at 07:49 AM
Karen, I only know you through your books (I think DEAD OF THE DAY is a classic traditional mystery with a truly modern woman for the sleuth!) so it's delightful to hear from this side of you. What a story of the human spirit.
I clicked on some of the links, too. I find myself thinking of the amazing life journeys of all those little girls.
Posted by: Nancy Martin | February 23, 2008 at 08:13 AM
Karen - thanks for sharing your beautiful story with us!
Years ago, when friends brought their first baby home from Russia, they sent out announcements that said she was "Born, not under my heart, but in it."
Posted by: Kathy Reschini Sweeney | February 23, 2008 at 08:15 AM
This is such a great story, Karen. Thank you so much for posting it. The fact that your daughter thought she "looked" like you should be heartening to all loving parents. That a mother's love can bridge cultural gaps and biology to be the triumphant identifier proves it is the most powerful force on Earth. Julia's lucky and so are you, clearly. How fantastic you and your husband and Julia found each other.
Posted by: sarahS | February 23, 2008 at 08:26 AM
Karen, what a lovely post. We also traveled to Changsha to adopt our daughter (and took our three boys along for the trip - oh, what an experience for them!). We have had very few questions from people, but find we ARE getting a lot of them now, from Miri herself, as we prepare to adopt a sister for her. Just this week we received a belated Christmas/New Year's card from her Children's Welfare Institute, and that was a powerful moment for her - a connection to her past.
My favorite awkward moment: when Miri marched up to a little girl in the grocery store and said, "Hi. I'm adopted from China. Where are you adopted from?"
Posted by: kris | February 23, 2008 at 08:42 AM
Kris, I love the grocery store story!
Posted by: Nancy Martin | February 23, 2008 at 08:48 AM
What a touching blog, thanks for writng it, Karen. And what joy for you and your husband, to be able to share your lives with this wonderful little person.
It just goes to show you, that kids are universal. You never know what they are going to think about things we think are so obvious!
Posted by: Karen in Ohio | February 23, 2008 at 09:29 AM
Thanks for these lovely comments. It really was an amazing journey, and continued to be.
Nancy, thanks so much for asking me to guest blog. It brought back a lot of memories as I was writing.
Kris, love the story about your daughter! Are you going back to China for her sister? Changsha is an interesting city, isn't it? I remember the heavy silt everywhere from the coal burning. It was the beginning of March, and we were chilled to the bone.
Kathy, Julia has always told us she wants a baby from her tummy and a baby from her heart.
Posted by: Karen Olson | February 23, 2008 at 09:47 AM
I loved this story, Karen.
My predominant emotion, reading it, was a desire to run to China and adopt a child, something I'd seriously considered in my 30's -- all sorts of reasons why that wouldn't work now, but the dream came rushing back to me this morning.
I wish blessings on your whole family! (xin, perhaps?) (How do you pronounce "xin"?)
Posted by: Harley | February 23, 2008 at 09:53 AM
Harley, I totally advocate adopting from anywhere...it's an amazing experience. While I understand why people turn to science instead of adoption to create a family, adoption is ultimately easier, less heartbreaking, less expensive in most cases. I always say that I didn't have to go through a pregnancy, I just had a week of jet lag. Granted, the process can be difficult; you have to bare your soul and more to strangers. We had 17 documents that had to be notarized, certified by the state and approved by the Chinese consulate. One of those was a letter from our doctor saying we didn't have leprosy.
Adoption from China is more difficult now, however, than when we went. There are stricter regulations (some on our side) and higher fees. It takes longer to travel. We have friends who've been waiting more than two years to go back for their second daughter. But China isn't the only option, either.
As for "Xin," the X pronounced with sort of a soft "sh" sound, like "Sheen." We have come across some other meanings for it, but we were told "prosperity" at the getgo so that's what we're sticking with.
Posted by: Karen Olson | February 23, 2008 at 10:03 AM
What a wonderful story, Karen!children with poor living conditions are so lucky that there are people like you and your husband!
Kris,that grocery store story was hilarious!
And Kathy, thanks for sharing that announcement.so beautiful...i'm all tears now...
Posted by: Hannah | February 23, 2008 at 10:06 AM
-- Kathy, Julia has always told us she wants a baby from her tummy and a baby from her heart.
That is beautiful! I remember hearing of a woman who, when asked which were her "real" children and which were adopted, would look over at her children and reply, "I just can't remember."
I'll bet Julia does look like you in many ways. The children at the daycare center often had smiles that matched their parents; much of body language and facial expressions repeat patterns learned from family.
May you have much prosperity and happiness.
Posted by: Mary Storyteller | February 23, 2008 at 10:22 AM
Good to know you don't have leprosy, Karen.
Thanks for being our guest today. We're saps for kids around here.
Posted by: Nancy Martin | February 23, 2008 at 11:25 AM
Karen, I can't say anything more eloquent than what's already been said, so I'll stick with "thanks." Your story falls into the all-important category of "things that make me keep believing in the Good in people." Good luck with Yale!
Posted by: Kerry | February 23, 2008 at 11:58 AM
"Julia has always told us she wants a baby from her tummy and a baby from her heart."
What a tremendous job you have done raising her!
Posted by: Pam aka SisterZip | February 23, 2008 at 12:48 PM
What a great story, Karen. My dh, tho' not Chinese, was also adopted, so I've always held a soft spot in my heart for families who adopt. You seem to be as terrific a mom as you are a writer!
Annie Seymour is one of my favorite characters.
Much happiness & "xin" to you & your family. I
Posted by: Lynn in Texas | February 23, 2008 at 03:09 PM
Karen, what a beautiful blog! Having met the wonderful Julia, I can honestly say that besides being pretty and smart and good at math and violin, she's also a terrific person. And you know what? She does look a little like you...
Posted by: AlisonGaylin | February 23, 2008 at 03:09 PM
Thanks for the wonderful story, Karen. Julia sounds like a bright & talented young lady. I guess pretty soon you'll have to start saving for that Ivy League school.
BTW, only a week of recovery from jet lag? Sure beats the extra 20 pounds I still haven't lost in 17 years & the 3 weeks it took me to heal from a C-section! :-)
Posted by: Becky Hutchison | February 23, 2008 at 05:48 PM
What a great post, Karen, and having met Julia I know what a wonderful family you are. I am, however, reminded of a flipside story. A friend of European ancestry whose husband is from China tells us that when she and her little girl are out alone, they are constantly stopped by people wanting to know how difficult it was to adopt.... hmmm...
Posted by: Clea Simon | February 26, 2008 at 08:04 PM
Do you want to talk everybody like we do here but LIVE ! ?
Let me boost your conversation skills ??
Go to LIFEIS(d0t)PL You will be redirect and You won't regret. Be around everybody - feel Free.
See YoU.
George
Posted by: GeorgeS | March 05, 2008 at 04:24 PM