Big News for Big Men

Elaine Viets

Florida has taken a big step forward. Last Sunday, the Marlins baseball team held tryouts for the Manatees, an "all-male, plus-size cheerleading squad."

In other words, they want fat men. But the Manatees cheerleading squad has to do more than just stand there and look big. They have to dance.

Most men I know will dance, but it takes at least two beers to get them out on the floor. The Manatees squad will have to dance cold, stone sober. This makes them braver than lesser men. The Manatees’ only comfort is that the Marlins draw the smallest crowds in major league baseball. They probably won’t embarrass themselves in front of more people than your Uncle Norton did when he got drunk at your cousin’s wedding.

Manatees are large, lovable mammals. So are the manatees who aren’t on the cheerleading squad –- they’re also known as sea cows. Manatees are about ten feet long and weigh about a thousand pounds. An adult manatee spends some six to eight hours a day eating, and the rest of the time resting, traveling or watching sports. OK, that last one isn’t true. But manatees are slow-moving. The poor things get run over by speedboats and badly cut by propellers because they aren’t fast enough to get out of the way.

You could say the Florida Marlins are honoring aquatic road kill.

The Marlins already have a cheerleading squad, the Mermaids. Some (male) sports fans claim the Mermaids are the baseball team’s true achievement, even better than its two World Series wins. The Mermaids are, well, I won’t say fast, but they are so slim and perky I’d like to run them down with a speedboat. Check them out at http://www.boxxet.com/Florida_Marlins/Video_Florida_Marlins_Mermaids_Cheerleaders.1gmi2k.d

Some fans question the need for cheerleaders at a baseball game. Did Babe Ruth or Stan Musial need them?

Female cheerleaders are a good way for a team to lose half its audience. Watching them is a depressing experience for many women. We start thinking that not so long ago, we had thin thighs, trim middles and hair down to there – and we threw it all away on the man stuffing his face with pork rinds in front of the TV. Maybe mother was right and we should have married Clarence the stockbroker.

This does not promote healthy family relationships.

You might expect me to call for male hotties to cheerlead for the Marlins -– Mermen, if you will. Svelte hunks dancing in tiny scraps of Spandex. Fair is fair, right? If the guys get to look at hot bodies, women should, too.

But, no. I believe the Manatees squad is better for baseball and its fans. Why would I want to look at fat guys jiggling?

(1) Fat men can be sexy. The late Luciano Pavarotti was no Chippendale, but the man had sex appeal.

(2) Fat male cheerleaders can save marriages.

When couples watch sports events together, men sometimes make unwise comments, such as "Look at the uh, enthusiasm on that blonde cheerleader in the front row."

We can see her enthusiasm. It’s at least a C cup, and definitely false. At this point, a female companion may launch into a tiresome lecture beginning, "Do you want your daughter shaking it in a stadium full of drunken oafs? Do you know how little those poor women make? They can barely afford enough material to cover their . . . enthusiasm."

But the male Manatees make no money at all. They will get free tickets, but no cash.

Besides, it makes sense that the Marlins should have a cheerleading squad of fat men. After all, they are an expansion team.

Comments

[Becky Hutchison]

Baseball with cheerleaders? I follow the Orioles, and I don't remember seeing cheerleaders at Camden Yards. Just the big Oriole Bird. But I have noticed the baseball players in uniform... stretching just the right way....hmmmm....

[Karen in Ohio]

Thanks for the laugh, and let's hope more teams see the light and hire male squads. They might just get more female fans, especially if the guys are, shall we say, more lithe than the Manatees.

Congratulations, and good luck on the Agatha Award, Elaine.

[mary alice at mystery lovers bookshop]

Great to see you here, Elaine, after the Florida power outage.

What ever happened to "Play ball!"

[Kathy Reschini Sweeney]

Great news about the Agatha nomination Elaine - well deserved! If any of you missed Murder with Reservations, now is a good time to pick it up.

As far as the Manatees go, I can only paraphrase:

There's no cheerleading in baseball.

[ramona]

You know, Elaine, male cheerleaders can have "enthusiasm," too. They're called moobies.

Congrats on the Agatha nom! Everyone here already knows you're a winner.

[William Simon]

Congratulations, Elaine, on the Agatha! That's big stuff, and you certainly deserve it.

I believe it was Jimmy Buffet who once said musicians were like manatees; all they do is sleep in the sun, eat, swim, and screw. Nice work if you can get it...:)

(Tony Bennett voice) And if you get it, won't you tell me how?!?!?

[Maryann Mercer]

Congratulations, Elaine!

[Sue]

Congratulations, Elaine!

Baseball cheerleaders? I can just imagine one of the cheers...

Two, four six, eight
Our pitcher's balls are really great
Eight, six, four, two
When it comes to his bat
Baby, woohoo!

[Hannah]

Congratulations, Elaine!Great news!i'm so happy for you.

Baseball with cheerleaders...sounds pretty...um..uh...nevermind.

[michele]

Congratulations, Elaine -- we're all so proud of you!!

The Manatees actually sound funny. If I watched baseball, I might watch them. Great blog.

[Harley]

Woo-hoo, Elaine! How do we get those Manatees to show up to the Agatha Awards banquet?

Ramona, you got there first. I was going to make some remark along the lines of, "Well, wouldja look at the enthusiasm on that guy, second from the left . . . " but now I won't.

[Kerry]

Congratulations, Elaine!

Manatees are an officially endangered species. I'm trying to figure a way to make that a witty commentary on, um, robust male cheerleaders at baseball games, but my trainer made my brains leak out my ears this morning, and I'm woefully short on coffee :)

How 'bout we come up with a Tarts dance team to cheer you on at the Agathas? With Margie in charge, natch.

[Cheryl]

Growing up with the Cubs and Wrigley Field, my first Cards game at Busch was a shock. My jaw dropped when Fred Bird, the Cards mascot hit the field. Cubs fans would have pelted a large stuffed mascot with what ever they had handy. For a while there was a guy named Ronnie Woo Woo. True local color, came in a uniform and yelled, you guessed it, "woo woo". I think that the organization eventually gave him season tickets.

[Elaine Viets]

Ah, Cheryl, I'm a St. Louis woman, and Cardinal baseball had style. I still remember the furor over Fredbird from affronted fans.
I'm sorry to say that the Marlins have a mascot named Bill, a giant fish with a long Marlin-like bill on his nose. His appearances on TV shows are hilarious, because he nearly takes out the anchor's eyes.

[Elaine Viets]

Thanks for the kind words about the Agatha nomination. I was thrilled.

[Rebecca the Bookseller]

Yea Elaine! We don't need no stinkin' manatees - we can have our own cheering section - what rhymes with Agatha?

It's snowing here again. Need a good book? I can't make it any easier than this:

Murder with Reservations: http://www.mysterylovers.com/index.php?target=products&product_id=49507

Notorious:http://www.mysterylovers.com/index.php?target=products&product_id=47987

Another independent bookstore is closing. We need to support the ones we have!

P.S. Moobies is my word of the day.

[Elaine Viets]

I like moobies better than "man boobs."

[Pam aka SisterZip]

And as Kramer has said, "Women have the brassierre, men have the manssiere". So boobies go in a brassierre, moobies...

[Becky Hutchison]

Once again, congratulations on your nomination Elaine!! The next time I see the Marlins on TV I'll look for the mascot's snout in the anchor's face.

Sue -- great cheer! woo hoo

Now if I could just come up with a cheer about moobies & tubies...

[ramona]

LOL, Harley. I was tempted to write something like, "Would you check out the meeping moobies on that dude!" but decided to be polite instead.

[Mary Storyteller]

Congratulations!!! The McClay Library book club will be reading _Murder with Reservations_ this year. Actually, several libraries in the system will be reading it. They have a system of rotating the extra copies to different branches to allow the group discussions. It's a nice "perc" for the adult readers.
No, I lied. I just went to check the list, and it's _Murder Between the Covers_ this year. I'll have to work on them to choose Reservations for the next series ;-)
Maybe cheerleaders can appear in the next book?

[Elaine Viets]

Mary, discussion groups are an author's dream. If your groups need them, there are reading discussion questions for all my books on my Website at www.elaineviets.com

[Nancy Martin]

I am finally back from my mammogram. Let me coin another word: Floobies. (Which I like better than Flabbies, and I'm doing the coining, okay?)

Hooooooraaaaaaaah, Elaine!

[Becky Hutchison]

Ouch, Nancy...a mammogram! Your boobies must now be flatties :-)

Get it? Flabbies, flatties, boobies....oh, never mind.

[Pam aka SisterZip]

I still have the book, but in 1976 Deanne Stillman and Anne P Beatts put out a women's humor book "Titters". Each chapter was named after a euphanism for breasts. Hooters, Knockers, Tits, Headlights...

Very enlightening for a 20 year old, fairly naive girl.