The Ski Hat
By Me, Margie
This is a true story about Me, Margie, skiing, and my pony tail hat. What is a pony tail hat? Glad you asked. It's a hat with a hole in the back for your pony tail to stick out. (Josh and William, it's a pony tail, not a "handle" so shaddup.) If you have a lot of hair, you can't just shove it under a regular knit hat. The hat won't stay on. And you can't just let your hair fly all over the place because then you cannot see. Skiing is risky enough without playing hide 'n' seek with your perspective. Just saying.
After much searching, I found the perfect pony tail hat. It was a beautiful day, so a group of us headed up the chair lift for our first run. We went in different directions. I'd like to say I headed for the more advanced slopes, but that would be a boldfaced lie. And if you're looking for a liar, don't look at Me, Margie.
As I made a turn to take one of the runs, the wind caught me at just the right angle, and blew my new hat off my head. What follows is the probable communication in my brain.
Left Brain: Head is cold. Hat is gone.
Right Brain: My hat! My new pony tail hat! Find it!
Left Brain: We are moving at a high rate of speed. Focus on balance and avoid collisions.
Right Brain: It's the perfect color - periwinkle! Must find it!
Left Brain: Sigh. Locating hat.
Right Brain: There it is! There it is! Get it!
Left Brain: Awww shit. Changing course to follow hat. Could be ill advised.
Right Brain: Faster, faster - it's heading for the trees!
Left Brain: Trees bad. There are other hats.
Right Brain: No there are not. We looked. We are *getting* that hat!
Left Brain: Heavy sigh. Fine. There is no dealing with you when you get like this.
Right Brain: There it is - reach for it.
Left Brain: Don't drop the ...... pole.
Right Brain: Hurry - reach for it!
Left Brain: Stop- coming up too fast on the trees!
Right Brain: Hat!
Left Brain: Tree!
Right Brain: Get the hat!
Left Brain: Watch the branches - the face, the face -- protect the face!
Right Brain: Forget the face - we're smart, we don't need to look good.
Left Brain: Idiot. Okay - eyes - must protect the eyes!
Right Brain: Eyes. Right. Can't read without them. okay. We can do both!
Left Brain: WTF?! DUCK!
Right Brain: Got it!
Left Brain: Holy shit. Snow. Cold. Pain.
Right Brain: Thank heaven. Just in time.
Head: Shut up, both of you. I need to figure out if this bump is something we landed on or a potential aneurism.
Central Nervous System: I hope you geniuses up there are happy. You've got about ten more seconds of adrenaline before the pain sets in.
Feet: Pain? What pain? We've been numb since you put these damn boots on. Who the hell is running the show up there?
Bum: Good thing you ate all those pancakes; without all this padding, we'd all be looking at traction.
Skin: If you boneheads don't get up out of this friggin' snow, and I end up with frostbite, I'll give all you bitches a smackdown that will last for a week, yo.
Eyes: I'm not letting Skin watch The Wire any more.
Left Brain: I give up. We need a drink.
Right Brain: Isn't this the coolest hat?
The end.
I was hoping Harley would work "meep" into her post. Maybe later.
Posted by:Josh | January 18, 2008 at 11:08 AM
Skiing ?!? Margie, dear, if the Good Lord had meant for us to ski, He would've given us really, really, long, skinny feet.
Sitting by the fireplace, drinking hot spiced wine, and watching other idiots freezes their butts off - now *that's* my kind of winter sport.
Posted by:j renee stuart | January 18, 2008 at 11:24 AM
Oops - that's "freeze", not "freezes"
Posted by:j renee stuart | January 18, 2008 at 11:26 AM
Hi. It's Me, Margie.
Glad I could make people laugh. I'm really just here to help, y'know?
And yes, I do have a helmet now, and one of my cousins, who has a business with, uh, car parts, used some kind of special paint to make it match.
There is no reason not to look good and be safe at the same time. Just saying.
I love skiing because it's like flying. Really. Not on the moguls, which jack your head around like a bobble-head doll, but the nice long runs. You pick up a little speed, spread your arms, and wheeeeee! It's great.
Next time I am going to try the jumps. But don't tell my Bosses - I don't want them kicking me off their insurance just because I have a real life. Seriously.
Posted by:Me, Margie | January 18, 2008 at 11:31 AM
See, Margie, when you write "I love skiing because it's like flying. Really. Not on the moguls, which jack your head around like a bobble-head doll, but the nice long runs. You pick up a little speed, spread your arms, and wheeeeee! It's great.", all I can think about is "Oh, sure -- until it's time to stop!"
That was the basic problem with my first-and-only ski adventure. My best friend assured me that the "snowplow" maneuver would stop me, no problem. Except it didn't. So I made my way down the slopes by skiing across in one direction, falling down, getting up facing the other way, etc. You know how snow looks all soft and fluffy? It's not. It's hard and cold and wet. And it hurts to fall down in. Unfortunately, I was so stubborn that I had to keep trying, even on the slope that required the chair lift.
Of course, that was the other problem. I fell down getting off the chair lift. The guy in the little hut kept yelling at me to get out of the way. I was too busy trying to comply to explain that I HAD TWO LONG, FUCKING PIECES OF WOOD STUCK TO MY FEET, so how the hell was I supposed to crawl in the first place? Then one of the damned things came loose, compounding my humiliation.
It was not one of my better days. I'll take a nice, long canter on my horse as my flying substitute (or parasailing -- now that's a blast). But skiing? Fuggedaboutit.
Posted by:Kerry, The Martial Tart | January 18, 2008 at 12:17 PM
Margie - so glad you: 1) got your hat back and 2) got the heck off the mountain in one piece. What would we readers do with your informational pieces (not to mention what would the Tarts do without your leadership in the office)
Skied ONCE in my life. Got that? ONCE. Only took ONCE to learn I do much better sitting at the base, by a fire, drinking a fine martini, and watching all the other fools come down the mountain.
But thanks for the snickers today
Posted by:ArkansasCyndi | January 18, 2008 at 01:10 PM
Margie, have you tried water skiing? No hats needed.
Posted by:Lynn | January 18, 2008 at 04:12 PM
I kept thinking this was going to lead to what went on at the lodge later that day.
But no, it seems She (Margie) is not going to say.
Posted by:Tom | January 18, 2008 at 08:05 PM
Tom, honey, aren't you the one who reminded me, Margie that ladies and gentlemen do not kiss and tell?
Posted by:Me, Margie | January 18, 2008 at 08:16 PM
yeah, add me to the "Call Me When It's Time for the Apres Ski Activities" list. Meep, meep. I get cranky when anything requires too much equipment.
Posted by:Harley | January 18, 2008 at 09:19 PM
When you have meep, Harley, you don't need much equipment.
Just ask Josh. Or Her, Margie.
Posted by:Tom | January 18, 2008 at 09:43 PM
Hey I googled ponytail hat and came upon your blog. where is the hat in the picture from? i can't find it anywhere! it's so cute!
Posted by:max | March 09, 2008 at 12:10 PM
where can I find the website for this ponytail ski hat?
thanks
Posted by:Tricia Keiser | April 01, 2008 at 10:04 AM